Dave Lister
May 19th 2005, 7:05am
I am posting this here with the permission of the original author, I didn't write it don't praise me.
This is also a straight Cut and paste so don't harange me on spelling.
Something I thought Might amuse!
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it. :(
Xander Mercenary Pt 01
Halloween, 1997
Ethan Rayne's Costume shop
Xander growled as a kid grabbed the last toy gun from
the bargain bin. "Oh great, there goes my costume."
As he looked through store trying to find something
suitable, he noticed the owner of the store speaking
angrily into the phone.
"Listen, you bloody poof. I'm not paying for these
costumes." The owner was yelling into the phone.
"Why? You bloody well sent me damaged goods, that's
why!"
Sensing the possibility of a bargain, Xander eased
over to take a look at the costumes in question. A
ripped up pile of cloth that Xander first took for a
large pile of animal waste sat next to a very
familiar looking toy gun. The second costume
consisted of a pair of military boots, a badly
stained orange velour shirt with gold trim, a set of
grey slacks and some shiny futuristic doodads.
Thinking it over, Xander figured he could probably
use an off color Startrek shirt he owned to replace
the ruined one. Making his decision, he walked over
to the owner and started talking.
"Uh, I couldn't help over-hearing your problem."
Xander began, "I was just wondering, are those what I
think they are?"
"A Captain Kaff Tagon costume and a Sergeant Schlock
costume." The Owner replied, "Both ruined. I don't
even know who these ponces are."
"Yeah, I noticed." Xander nodded then he started his
pitch. "Look, I was going to just buy a toy gun and
go as a soldier but I think I might be able to patch
something together with some things I have at home.
I don't have all that much money though."
"You can have the bloody things." The Owner dumped
the packages on the counter. "I don't ever want to
see them again."
Xander didn't question his good luck, he simply
grabbed the costumes and started to leave. He got
about halfway to the door when the owner called him
back. "Young man! Hold on a moment!"
"I knew it was too good to be true." Xander thought
as he turned around.
"You left this behind." The shop owner handed Xander
a small round device.
"What's that?"
"According the box, it's... A miniature direct holo
line to the 'Post-Dated Check Loan'? What in hell?"
As the Shop Owner stared incredulously at Xander, the
teenager tried to explain. "Yeah, the PDCL also known
as Petey is name of the ship that... Oh never mind,
it would take to long to explain."
"I see," The Shop owner sighed, "Americans. Well
have a happy Halloween."
*****************************************************
As Ethan Rayne finished the spell, something went
wrong. Too much power was being focused through the
bust, draining Ethan totally. The drain was so
significant that Janus actually noticed the spell.
He turned his attention to that particular dimension
in time to see something truly confounding.
Out in space, just beyond the orbit of Jupiter a ship
appeared. Vaguely crescent shaped with four large
rectangular bays, two on each side of the crescent,
drifted along. Inside a very confused AI was
dedicating enormous amounts of processing power to
understand what just happened.
"Whoa!" The AI, Petey as he was known to his crew,
did a quick scan of space and came to several
shocking conclusions. One, he was now positioned
somewhere over Europa instead of being parked in
orbit over Tokyo 3; two, his entire crew was missing
and the only signal detectable belonged to Captain
Tagon; three, Captain Tagon was currently on Earth.
And finally the most shocking conclusion, based on
all starcharts, and planetary evidence, it was now
sometime in the later 20th or 21st century.
"Temporal dislocation is the only remote possible,"
Petey took the AI equivalent of several decades
trying to determine the physics involved. Thirty
real seconds later, Petey decided the math was
possible but so unlikely as to reach the point of
absurdity.
"Would you like to know what's going, little
machine?" A voice sounded from nowhere.
"I didn't hear that." Petey shunted the memory into
the repression command given him by Captain Tagon.
"Oh for the creator's sake." A glowing form appeared
in front of the holographic representation of the AI.
"My name is Janus, search your databases for Terran
Myths."
"Hmm..." Petey frowned, "That doesn't make sense."
"Look," Janus frowned, "I really don't have time for
this. I'll be brief and let you work the math out
later. You weren't just dislocated temporally, you
were dislocated dimensionally as well."
"I'm not sure that the math for that..."
"Oh for..." Janus send a surge of magic at the AI.
Petey's 'eyes' widened in shock as the spell dumped
information about this Earth and the current
situation into his memory core.
"Whoa!!!" Petey activated his systems at full and
teraported straight to the far-side of the Moon.
Opening a comm. Channel, Petey tried to reach his
Commander.
"Captain Tagon are you there?"
After several seconds, a unfamiliar voice responded,
"Petey is that you?"
*****************************************************
Captain Kaff Tagon did a double take as the wave of
dizziness passed, around him strange small aliens
were running amuck in small primitive town. Reaching
for his Gauss pistol, he discovered Sergeant
Schlock's BH-209 plasma gun there instead. "What's
going on?"
"Xander!" Tagon whirled around, pointing the plasma
gun at the newcomer. The ominous hum of the gun filled
the air. "hmm, Schlock is right, that is a soothing
sound."
"Xander, stop pointing that toy at me!" The newcomer,
a very pretty redhead frowned at him. "Something
weird is going on!"
"I'm sorry, miss but you must have me..." Tagon
stopped as his comm. activated.
"Captain Tagon are you there?"
"Petey is that you?"
"Yes sir," Petey's voice responded, "I'm currently in
a parking orbit on the farside of the moon. "I think
there's something you should know."
"Captain?" Petey asked when he didn't get an
immediate response.
"Um, Xander?" Willow spoke aloud, "Who is that and
why are you doing that weird dance?"
"My name is Petey," Petey manifested himself through
the portable holo. "I'm afraid that's what Captain
Tagon refers to has his 'Happy Dance'."
"You're a fuzzy cute Teddy bear?" Willow asked.
"No, actually, I'm the representation of the AI
controlling the Tauseniggan Battle fortress Post
Dated Check Loan."
"Wait," Willow suddenly remembered those names.
"Those are from the webcomic Shlock Mercenary!"
"That's correct." Petey smiled, "Apparently when your
friend Xander dressed as Captain Tagon, he had a prop
that was supposed to be a direct link to me. Someone
cast a spell that turned everyone into their
costumes."
"And the only way for Xander to have a direct link to
you, was if you existed?"
"I knew you'd be smart enough get it."
"But if everyone has been turned into their costumes,
then... BUFFY!!!"
Captain Tagon watched in shock as the young girl took
of running. "What's going on?"
"Captain, I suggest you accompany her. I'll fill you
in on the way."
"So," Petey asked as Tagon finally caught up with
Willow. "Now do you understand what's going
on?"
"Considering you actually used words of two
syllables or less," Tagon replied, "I think I got it.
So what happens when this 'spell' wears off?"
"I think I get sent back to our home dimension
and you leave that kid's body." Petey told him,
"But there is a small possibility that one or both
of us might get stuck here."
"WHAT!?" Both Willow and Tagon shouted at
the same time.
"It's only a small possibility." Petey replied. "I
don't know for certain what will happen."
"Buffy!" Willow's attention was diverted by the
sight of her friend being menaced by a large furry
creature.
"Let me handle this." Tagon aimed the BH-209 at
the 'demon' and prepared to fire.
"NO!" Willow tried to grab his arm and was
almost as shocked as Tagon when her arm passed
harmlessly through his.
"Whoa, so you're a hologram?" Tagon asked.
"No, I dressed as a ghost." Willow told him.
"A ghost!?" Petey almost cut off his link, then he
remembered what Janus downloaded about the
spell. "You're not a real ghost then?"
"Oh," Tagon wondered what kind of ghost she
could possibly be dressed as. Turning back to
'Buffy', he realized that the alien was now
advancing on him instead. "Okay, Jungleball
rules."
"NO!" Willow didn't know what 'Jungleball
rules' meant but it didn't sound good. "That
might be a kid that was turned into their costume.
"Hmm," Petey had been devoting a part of his
attention to the knowledge dumped into his
memory core by the 'God' Janus. A thorough
analysis dictated several decisions and
conclusions on his part. Only one of which he
shared with his Captain. "Sir, I believe my
sensors are capable of distinguishing an altered
human from a true demon."
"Well... Which is this." Tagon said as he backed
off.
"Human." Petey said without hesitation.
"Darn," Tagon dialed down the power on the
Plasma gun and fired a level one blast at the
ground in front of the demon. Even at level one,
the power of the blast sent a gout of flame
shooting into the air, sending the 'demon' running
in fear.
"I am really starting to see what Schlock likes
about this gun." Tagon grinned. "Okay, first we
need a place to regroup, then we need to find out
who caused this."
Scanning the area, Petey informed them,
"Actually first we need to catch your friend, she's
making good time considering the volume of the
dress she's wearing."
"Of for the love of..." Tagon didn't finish the
sentence as he ran to catch up with the fleeing
girl.
"Miss?" Petey said as they started to follow
Tagon, "I suggest you find your friend, a Mr.
Rupert Giles. Tell him that Ethan Rayne is
behind this."
"Ethan?" Willow easily made the connection
between the shop where she got her costume and
the person responsible. "That... that..."
"Walking dead man?" Petey suggested, "Because,
if Captain Tagon finds him, Ethan Rayne is going
find out what a BH-209 at setting ten feels like."
"How do you know all this anyway?" Willow
asked.
"Oh," Petey smiled, "It seems that the god that the
W.D.M. invoked actually felt the drain from the
spell. It decided to take a look see and found me
sitting in space just past Jupiter. Then he did a
'spell' to dump data straight into my memory
core."
"What? Why?" Willow frowned, "I mean if the
invocation worked, wouldn't the god be pleased
about the outcome?"
"Oh he was," Petey told her. "But there is one
other thing that Ethan Rayne didn't think about.
Chaos never plays favorites."
"Oh." Willow nodded, still not quite getting it.
"I'll go find Giles."
"You do that." Petey again devoted most of 'his'
attention to analyzing the data he received from
Janus.
As Petey caught up with Tagon, he asked. "Sir,
why are you risking your neck for this girl?
Nobody's paying you do this."
"I know," Tagon frowned, "For some reason
though, I really feel protective towards her."
****************************************
"Hello, pretty." Pirate Larry cornered Buffy in the
alleyway as she tried to run past.
"Please..." Lady Elizabeth tried to pull away from
the 'Pirate's' grip.
"The lady asked you nicely." It wasn't the voice
that froze Larry in his tracks, it was the
unmistakable feel of a barrel against the back of
his neck that did that. "Now, my way of asking
you to leave her alone, involves a loud noise and
you whimpering and begging me to stop the pain.
Which do you chose?"
Larry let Lady Elizabeth go and dropped his
cutlass, waiting for the hero behind him to drop
his guard. And as the barrel was removed from
the back of his head, he moved. Spinning in
place, he pulled a pistol from his belt and fired.
Tagon didn't even blink as the primitive black
powder weapon discharged right into his stomach.
The lead ball spattered harmlessly against the
carbonan fullerene armor Tagon was wearing.
The Merc Captain smiled, "Okay, so we do it my
way then?"
"Captain," Petey interrupted, "I think you should
know..."
"He's been altered by the spell." Tagon nodded,
"I already know that, Petey. I'm not completely
ignorant."
"Sorry." Petey actually sounded contrite.
"Don't worry about it," Tagon replied, he
holstered the plasma gun and threw a relatively
hard punch to the Pirate's face. The impact spun
the pirate 180 degrees and dropped him on his
face.
"That felt strangely satisfying."
"Now," Tagon turned to terrified Noblewoman.
"Ma'am, I really suggest you come with me. It'll
be safer."
"I... I..."
"Well, this is fun." A voice from the end of the
alley interrupted them.
Tagon turned to see a bleach blond male
approaching flanked by some of the ugliest
'demons' he'd seen that night.
"You know," the blond grinned, "I was just out
for some smokes when all this 'fun' happened.
And now what do I see? The Slayer acting all
girly and helpless. Even if her nancy boy sidekick
has gotten all manly. This is just too good to be
true."
"Petey?" Tagon asked quietly.
"No humans in this bunch, sir." Petey responded
from behind him.
"The name is Spike." The blond informed Tagon.
"Not Petey, like you bloody well didn't already
know that, Harris."
"The name is Captain Kaff Tagon." Tagon
informed Spike, "Not Harris. And I think I'm
going to have to hurt you now."
"Oh?" Spike stepped forward, "You think you can
take me then?"
"Just out of curiosity," Tagon asked as he closed
with Spike, "Do you know what Carbonan
Fullerene Powered Armor is?"
"What's that?" Spike asked.
"Let me demonstrate." Tagon activated his
armor's helmet, then threw a hard punch. The
kinesthetic boost the armor provided delivered a
blow that literally knocked Spike head over heels.
Sending the clueless vampire backwards out of
the alley.
Tagon went for the Plasma gun as the other
monsters rushed in. Unfortunately for the lead
demon, Tagon managed to get the gun up and
firing just as it reached the mercenary captain.
Fortunately for the remaining demons behind it,
the Plasma gun was still set on setting one and
didn't do much more than burn the lead demon to
a crisp.
As the first demon burned the others closed
quickly on Tagon and one managed to knock the
Plasma gun from his hand. The two biggest
grabbed Tagon as the others clawed and
pummeled at him. As none of the creatures could
apparently penetrate his armor and none of them
were smart enough to grab his Plasma gun, Tagon
simply waited for the right moment to act.
"That's enough!" Spike shouted as he staggered
back into the alley. "I'm going to rip your head
off and drink straight out of the stump for that
one, boy."
Tagon tested the strength of the two demon's
holding him, then grinned under his helmet. "Last
time I asked you a question it didn't work out to
well for you. Ready for another question?"
"You have got to be kidding me." Spike sneered.
"What can you possibly do against two Fyarl
demons?"
"Do you know what a 'Dorothy System' is?"
"No, what the bloody hell is a 'Dorothy
System'?"
"I'll show you." Tagon snapped his heels
together, then kicked his feet to either side of
Spike.
Spike saw Tagon bring his legs up and dropped to
his knees to avoid the kick to face he was
expecting. Luckily for the world, Tagon hadn't
been aiming at Spike's head, so the Molecular
wire held between his two boots went right
through Spike's neck as though it wasn't even
there.
Even as Spike turned to dust, Tagon had his feet
back on the ground, the 'Dorothy System'
deactivated and both Fyarl's in air. With quick
throw, he sent the two demons into the crowd of
monsters still in shock over Spike's sudden
demise.
"Captain?" Petey asked from behind him. "I've
been meaning to ask.
"Yes?"
"Why were you using Sgt. Schlock's gun, when
yours is holstered across your back?"
"Son of a..." Tagon did quick reach behind draw
and pulled his Strohl g/g pistol. His first volley
dropped the front demons in their tracks and
caused the remainder to freeze. "Okay, now
here's the deal. Starting running, or I'm going to
feed all of you a nice order of blam!"
As Tagon blew the head off of another demon, the
remaining creatures decided to be somewhere
else. Almost as one, they turned and ran out of
the alley.
"Thank you, sir." Lady Elizabeth said as Tagon
helped her to her feet.
"Now..." Tagon's voice faded out as a wave of
dizziness passed through him. When the
dizziness passed, Xander Harris looked around in
confusion. "Whoa!"
"I'll see your whoa." Buffy said as she took off
her wig, "And I'll raise you an 'Oh my god that
went beyond weird'!"
"Yeah," Xander nodded. He looked at the now
plastic toy gun in his hand and said, "I really think
we'd better call it a night."
"Oh yeah," Buffy nodded and lead the way back
to her house.
End part 2
Time: Sometime between "Surprise" and
"Innocence".
Xander was lying in bed, worried about Buffy.
None of them had heard from her since she and
Angel went to the docks with the Judge's arm.
Now he was wondering if it was possible for the
Judge become active without its arm. "Damn, no
weapon forged by man? So does that leave?"
As Xander stood up to pace the floor again, a loud
sound, like an aluminum bat being put through a
high speed shredder tore through the room. The
oddly familiar sound froze Xander in his tracks. In
the center of his room a small box appeared, carried
by a sight familiar to Kaff Tagon's memories.
Terrified by the knowledge of just how dangerous
the device was, Xander almost dove out the window
before the Terapedo spoke.
"Could you please read the note, once I'm gone?"
As the terapedo vanished again, Xander picked up
the small electronic notepad. "What the? 'Please
push the red button on the top of the box, then read
the remainder of the note outloud'?"
Xander looked at the box left by the terapedo, on
top was a small red button. Hope warred with
paranoia for several moments. Then, Xander pushed
the button and spoke aloud.
"Attention Postdated Check Loan. As your new
Captain, my first order is that you continue to obey
the first order given to you by former Captain
Tagon."
"Hello, Captain Harris."
"Petey?" Xander found himself doing a very odd
dance. "Wow!"
"Sir?"
"I just found out, I can do the 'Happy Dance'!"
Xander said with a grin, "Hey, Petey. Not that I'm
unhappy to hear from you, but how did you manage
this and why haven't you contacted me before?"
"The how and the why are connected, Captain."
"Oh?"
"When I realized there might be a possibility that
Captain Tagon might be stuck here, I decided to
take measures to insure he'd have backup. To that
end, I scavenged as much material as I could and
mass produced as many fabbers from 'local' items
as possible. At the same time, I also used 'local'
material to produce a Level one AI and did a
memory dump. As soon as it was complete I
teraported the whole package to the asteroid belt.
It's taken me this long to rebuild the ship."
"So you waited till you were fully functional
again?"
"Well." Petey hesitated, "I'm not fully functional
yet. The Main superstructure, weapons and shields
are at 100 percent, but lifesupport, internal
bulkheads, and the docking bays are still being
worked on. I just finished the terapedo bays and
decided to send you a support package."
"Couldn't you have just wired a teraport to the
box?"
"The A.I. on a terapedo is more accurate and can be
recalled if necessary." Petey replied, "Also, In case
the coordinates turned out to be wrong, I can always
remove any trace of the teraport."
"By detonating the terapedo, no doubt." Xander
sighed, "Petey..."
"Just covering the possibilities, Captain." Petey
replied, "I took the liberty of fabbing you a set of
stealth armor and a g/g pistol."
"Look, Petey. Can you fab me up a couple of
Multi-Cannons, anti-tank rounds and a BH-209?"
"Actually, I already have those in stock." Petey
answered, "I'll send them out..."
"Uh, Petey." Xander held up the armor, "Look, I
don't want to sound ungrateful, but is there any way
to make this armor look more like the clothes of this
time period?"
"Well, I have been monitoring almost all of the
communications on your planet. I believe I can
modify the standard armor. Would you like a few
mini-tanks as well?"
"Well..." Xander thought about it, "No, I think
just the plasma gun and the multi-cannons for now."
"Very well, sir. It will take some time to fabricate
armor that can pass for conventional clothing of the
20th century."
"I want you to fab armor for Buffy, Willow, Giles,
Miss Calander and Oz as well."
"Of course, sir." Petey replied. "I have standard
armor that can fit them right now. I'll begin
working on the low profile armor immediately."
"Great, priority to getting the weapons and standard
armor here, asap." Xander order, "Oh, and some
G/g pistols. A couple thousand rounds of both non-
explosive and hi-ex ammo should suffice for now."
"I exist to serve, my Captain."
*****************************************
The Morning after 'Surprise'
"No assembly required," Buffy told them, "He's
active. Nearly killed us. Angel got us out."
"Well," Xander put a metal box on the table, "I've
got an idea on how to stop him."
"Oh?" Giles turned and watched with the others as
Xander opened the box, and pulled out five grey
and blue jumpsuits.
"What are those?" Buffy asked.
"Are those what I think they are?" Willow said at
the same time.
"Carbonan Fullerene Powered armor." Xander nodded
at Willow. "One set for each of you. You should
be able to wear it under slacks and long sleeved
shirts without been very noticeable. Stuff's
pretty much capable of dealing with anything a
demon can dish out, physically anyway, magic
might still be a problem."
"Where did you get that?" Giles asked. "I... I've
never even heard of anything remotely like it."
"From Petey." Xander grinned.
"Wha... what did you just say?" Giles stammered in
shock.
"Wait," Buffy frowned, "I thought you said that
Petey should have disappeared when the spell
ended?"
"He did," Xander explained Petey's apparent return
to their lives.
"What I don't understand, is why Petey did that."
Giles admitted.
"I asked that." Xander told them.
"So why?" Willow asked. "And, can I get a chance
to do a Turing Test on him?"
"Petey'd pass any Turing test you could come up
with, Will." Xander smiled, "As to the why, Petey
calculated that there was a small chance that I'd be
stuck as Kaff Tagon when the spell wore off, and
his loyalty circuits wouldn't let him leave the
Captain high and dry."
"So why...?" Willow's hacker side came out again,
"Because, you're the closest thing to Kaff Tagon in
this universe."
"You got it," Xander nodded.
"So," Buffy picked up one of the suits. "Did Petey
provide any weapons to go with the armor?"
"Well, the armor is practically a weapon in itself."
Xander smiled, "But, I am going to go over with all
of you the proper handling procedures for several of
the weapons we now have available."
"Cool," Buffy smiled. "So how does this 'armor'
work?"
******************************************
Time: Night the same day.
"Where have you been?" Willow asked Angel.
"Out," Angel looked around the darkened hallway.
"What's with the lights?"
"Not sure," Xander told him, "We've got a plan."
"I have news," Angel looked around some more,
"Why don't you get the others."
"Sure," Xander started back to the library. But
before he reached the door, Miss Calander stepped
out. Holding out a cross, she ordered Willow away
from Angel.
"That's not Angel," she told them after Angel
'vamped' out and grabbed Willow in a choke hold.
"You've got that wrong," Angel grinned, "I'm
Angel again. Finally!"
"Will," Xander said in a calm voice, "You
remember what I told you about the suit?"
"Oh..." Willow frowned, then brightened, "OH
YEAH!"
Angel almost let go in shock as blue fabric covered
Willow's head. He tightened his grip and decided
to go for the kill, biting Willow on the neck. A split
second later, he let go of the armored girl and
howled.
"My teef! You broke my teef!"
"No," Xander pulled his g/g pistol out of its hidden
holster. "*You* broke *your* teeth on the armor
Will's wearing."
"Guns can't kill me." Angel sneered through the
pain, "You know that."
"Keeping thinking that, Deadboy." Xander pointed
his gun at Angel. "Say goodbye, Gracie."
Before Xander could actually pull the trigger, Angel
threw Willow at him and ran for the door, right past
an astonished Buffy.
"Dammit!" Xander swore as Angel disappeared
through the doors.
"What's going on?" Buffy asked in shock.
"We've got a problem." Xander told her.
******************************************
Sunnydale Mall
"No weapon forged by man can hurt me." The Blue
demon growled as he pulled the crossbow bolt from
his chest.
Xander grinned, Oz had quickly figured out where
the Judge would strike and now the Scoobies were
about to teach the overgrown Smurf a lesson in
technological advances.
"That was then," Buffy held up her Multi-cannon. A
small red dot appeared on the Judge's chest.
"And this is now." Xander lifted his Multi-
Cannon's barrel until it was pointed right at the Judge.
"What are those?" The Judge asked.
"Guns." Angel replied, "I don't..."
Angel didn't get to say much more, as the hi-ex
rounds from the two cannons introduced him to the
concept of rule 37 of the 'Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Pirates'. The Judge was splattered over a
good 20 feet of the mall. Most of the vampires
behind him were vaporized by the blast, while
Angel and Dru were sent flying in opposite
directions.
Xander tossed Oz his Multi-cannon and pulled out
his g/g pistol. He shouted to Buffy, "You get the
psycho, I've got deadboy!"
"Xander!" Buffy shouted.
Xander paused, even though Angel was still
staggering to his feet. He locked eyes with Buffy
and silently tried to reason with her. Finally, he
said, "He's not Angel anymore, Buffy."
Buffy stared back, chewing her lip. Then nodded,
"Do what you have to do."
Xander nodded back. Turning he saw Angel
limping for one of the doors. "Ah hell."
Chasing the injured vampire down the hallway and
finally fired a round in the wall in front of him.
"You're not going to get away this time, Deadboy."
Xander said as he fired again. This time, the bullet
caught Angel behind the knee, blowing it out and
dropping the vampire to the ground in pain.
"Buffy will never forgive you, if you kill me."
Angel almost begged as he tried to crawl away.
Xander kicked Angel over, and stomped hard on his
chest. Angel cringed as Xander raised the pistol
again. This time aiming straight for his head.
The last thing he heard was, "Yah, but if I let you
live and you hurt one of them, *I* wouldn't forgive
myself."
Curse this character limit!
This is also a straight Cut and paste so don't harange me on spelling.
Something I thought Might amuse!
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it. :(
Xander Mercenary Pt 01
Halloween, 1997
Ethan Rayne's Costume shop
Xander growled as a kid grabbed the last toy gun from
the bargain bin. "Oh great, there goes my costume."
As he looked through store trying to find something
suitable, he noticed the owner of the store speaking
angrily into the phone.
"Listen, you bloody poof. I'm not paying for these
costumes." The owner was yelling into the phone.
"Why? You bloody well sent me damaged goods, that's
why!"
Sensing the possibility of a bargain, Xander eased
over to take a look at the costumes in question. A
ripped up pile of cloth that Xander first took for a
large pile of animal waste sat next to a very
familiar looking toy gun. The second costume
consisted of a pair of military boots, a badly
stained orange velour shirt with gold trim, a set of
grey slacks and some shiny futuristic doodads.
Thinking it over, Xander figured he could probably
use an off color Startrek shirt he owned to replace
the ruined one. Making his decision, he walked over
to the owner and started talking.
"Uh, I couldn't help over-hearing your problem."
Xander began, "I was just wondering, are those what I
think they are?"
"A Captain Kaff Tagon costume and a Sergeant Schlock
costume." The Owner replied, "Both ruined. I don't
even know who these ponces are."
"Yeah, I noticed." Xander nodded then he started his
pitch. "Look, I was going to just buy a toy gun and
go as a soldier but I think I might be able to patch
something together with some things I have at home.
I don't have all that much money though."
"You can have the bloody things." The Owner dumped
the packages on the counter. "I don't ever want to
see them again."
Xander didn't question his good luck, he simply
grabbed the costumes and started to leave. He got
about halfway to the door when the owner called him
back. "Young man! Hold on a moment!"
"I knew it was too good to be true." Xander thought
as he turned around.
"You left this behind." The shop owner handed Xander
a small round device.
"What's that?"
"According the box, it's... A miniature direct holo
line to the 'Post-Dated Check Loan'? What in hell?"
As the Shop Owner stared incredulously at Xander, the
teenager tried to explain. "Yeah, the PDCL also known
as Petey is name of the ship that... Oh never mind,
it would take to long to explain."
"I see," The Shop owner sighed, "Americans. Well
have a happy Halloween."
*****************************************************
As Ethan Rayne finished the spell, something went
wrong. Too much power was being focused through the
bust, draining Ethan totally. The drain was so
significant that Janus actually noticed the spell.
He turned his attention to that particular dimension
in time to see something truly confounding.
Out in space, just beyond the orbit of Jupiter a ship
appeared. Vaguely crescent shaped with four large
rectangular bays, two on each side of the crescent,
drifted along. Inside a very confused AI was
dedicating enormous amounts of processing power to
understand what just happened.
"Whoa!" The AI, Petey as he was known to his crew,
did a quick scan of space and came to several
shocking conclusions. One, he was now positioned
somewhere over Europa instead of being parked in
orbit over Tokyo 3; two, his entire crew was missing
and the only signal detectable belonged to Captain
Tagon; three, Captain Tagon was currently on Earth.
And finally the most shocking conclusion, based on
all starcharts, and planetary evidence, it was now
sometime in the later 20th or 21st century.
"Temporal dislocation is the only remote possible,"
Petey took the AI equivalent of several decades
trying to determine the physics involved. Thirty
real seconds later, Petey decided the math was
possible but so unlikely as to reach the point of
absurdity.
"Would you like to know what's going, little
machine?" A voice sounded from nowhere.
"I didn't hear that." Petey shunted the memory into
the repression command given him by Captain Tagon.
"Oh for the creator's sake." A glowing form appeared
in front of the holographic representation of the AI.
"My name is Janus, search your databases for Terran
Myths."
"Hmm..." Petey frowned, "That doesn't make sense."
"Look," Janus frowned, "I really don't have time for
this. I'll be brief and let you work the math out
later. You weren't just dislocated temporally, you
were dislocated dimensionally as well."
"I'm not sure that the math for that..."
"Oh for..." Janus send a surge of magic at the AI.
Petey's 'eyes' widened in shock as the spell dumped
information about this Earth and the current
situation into his memory core.
"Whoa!!!" Petey activated his systems at full and
teraported straight to the far-side of the Moon.
Opening a comm. Channel, Petey tried to reach his
Commander.
"Captain Tagon are you there?"
After several seconds, a unfamiliar voice responded,
"Petey is that you?"
*****************************************************
Captain Kaff Tagon did a double take as the wave of
dizziness passed, around him strange small aliens
were running amuck in small primitive town. Reaching
for his Gauss pistol, he discovered Sergeant
Schlock's BH-209 plasma gun there instead. "What's
going on?"
"Xander!" Tagon whirled around, pointing the plasma
gun at the newcomer. The ominous hum of the gun filled
the air. "hmm, Schlock is right, that is a soothing
sound."
"Xander, stop pointing that toy at me!" The newcomer,
a very pretty redhead frowned at him. "Something
weird is going on!"
"I'm sorry, miss but you must have me..." Tagon
stopped as his comm. activated.
"Captain Tagon are you there?"
"Petey is that you?"
"Yes sir," Petey's voice responded, "I'm currently in
a parking orbit on the farside of the moon. "I think
there's something you should know."
"Captain?" Petey asked when he didn't get an
immediate response.
"Um, Xander?" Willow spoke aloud, "Who is that and
why are you doing that weird dance?"
"My name is Petey," Petey manifested himself through
the portable holo. "I'm afraid that's what Captain
Tagon refers to has his 'Happy Dance'."
"You're a fuzzy cute Teddy bear?" Willow asked.
"No, actually, I'm the representation of the AI
controlling the Tauseniggan Battle fortress Post
Dated Check Loan."
"Wait," Willow suddenly remembered those names.
"Those are from the webcomic Shlock Mercenary!"
"That's correct." Petey smiled, "Apparently when your
friend Xander dressed as Captain Tagon, he had a prop
that was supposed to be a direct link to me. Someone
cast a spell that turned everyone into their
costumes."
"And the only way for Xander to have a direct link to
you, was if you existed?"
"I knew you'd be smart enough get it."
"But if everyone has been turned into their costumes,
then... BUFFY!!!"
Captain Tagon watched in shock as the young girl took
of running. "What's going on?"
"Captain, I suggest you accompany her. I'll fill you
in on the way."
"So," Petey asked as Tagon finally caught up with
Willow. "Now do you understand what's going
on?"
"Considering you actually used words of two
syllables or less," Tagon replied, "I think I got it.
So what happens when this 'spell' wears off?"
"I think I get sent back to our home dimension
and you leave that kid's body." Petey told him,
"But there is a small possibility that one or both
of us might get stuck here."
"WHAT!?" Both Willow and Tagon shouted at
the same time.
"It's only a small possibility." Petey replied. "I
don't know for certain what will happen."
"Buffy!" Willow's attention was diverted by the
sight of her friend being menaced by a large furry
creature.
"Let me handle this." Tagon aimed the BH-209 at
the 'demon' and prepared to fire.
"NO!" Willow tried to grab his arm and was
almost as shocked as Tagon when her arm passed
harmlessly through his.
"Whoa, so you're a hologram?" Tagon asked.
"No, I dressed as a ghost." Willow told him.
"A ghost!?" Petey almost cut off his link, then he
remembered what Janus downloaded about the
spell. "You're not a real ghost then?"
"Oh," Tagon wondered what kind of ghost she
could possibly be dressed as. Turning back to
'Buffy', he realized that the alien was now
advancing on him instead. "Okay, Jungleball
rules."
"NO!" Willow didn't know what 'Jungleball
rules' meant but it didn't sound good. "That
might be a kid that was turned into their costume.
"Hmm," Petey had been devoting a part of his
attention to the knowledge dumped into his
memory core by the 'God' Janus. A thorough
analysis dictated several decisions and
conclusions on his part. Only one of which he
shared with his Captain. "Sir, I believe my
sensors are capable of distinguishing an altered
human from a true demon."
"Well... Which is this." Tagon said as he backed
off.
"Human." Petey said without hesitation.
"Darn," Tagon dialed down the power on the
Plasma gun and fired a level one blast at the
ground in front of the demon. Even at level one,
the power of the blast sent a gout of flame
shooting into the air, sending the 'demon' running
in fear.
"I am really starting to see what Schlock likes
about this gun." Tagon grinned. "Okay, first we
need a place to regroup, then we need to find out
who caused this."
Scanning the area, Petey informed them,
"Actually first we need to catch your friend, she's
making good time considering the volume of the
dress she's wearing."
"Of for the love of..." Tagon didn't finish the
sentence as he ran to catch up with the fleeing
girl.
"Miss?" Petey said as they started to follow
Tagon, "I suggest you find your friend, a Mr.
Rupert Giles. Tell him that Ethan Rayne is
behind this."
"Ethan?" Willow easily made the connection
between the shop where she got her costume and
the person responsible. "That... that..."
"Walking dead man?" Petey suggested, "Because,
if Captain Tagon finds him, Ethan Rayne is going
find out what a BH-209 at setting ten feels like."
"How do you know all this anyway?" Willow
asked.
"Oh," Petey smiled, "It seems that the god that the
W.D.M. invoked actually felt the drain from the
spell. It decided to take a look see and found me
sitting in space just past Jupiter. Then he did a
'spell' to dump data straight into my memory
core."
"What? Why?" Willow frowned, "I mean if the
invocation worked, wouldn't the god be pleased
about the outcome?"
"Oh he was," Petey told her. "But there is one
other thing that Ethan Rayne didn't think about.
Chaos never plays favorites."
"Oh." Willow nodded, still not quite getting it.
"I'll go find Giles."
"You do that." Petey again devoted most of 'his'
attention to analyzing the data he received from
Janus.
As Petey caught up with Tagon, he asked. "Sir,
why are you risking your neck for this girl?
Nobody's paying you do this."
"I know," Tagon frowned, "For some reason
though, I really feel protective towards her."
****************************************
"Hello, pretty." Pirate Larry cornered Buffy in the
alleyway as she tried to run past.
"Please..." Lady Elizabeth tried to pull away from
the 'Pirate's' grip.
"The lady asked you nicely." It wasn't the voice
that froze Larry in his tracks, it was the
unmistakable feel of a barrel against the back of
his neck that did that. "Now, my way of asking
you to leave her alone, involves a loud noise and
you whimpering and begging me to stop the pain.
Which do you chose?"
Larry let Lady Elizabeth go and dropped his
cutlass, waiting for the hero behind him to drop
his guard. And as the barrel was removed from
the back of his head, he moved. Spinning in
place, he pulled a pistol from his belt and fired.
Tagon didn't even blink as the primitive black
powder weapon discharged right into his stomach.
The lead ball spattered harmlessly against the
carbonan fullerene armor Tagon was wearing.
The Merc Captain smiled, "Okay, so we do it my
way then?"
"Captain," Petey interrupted, "I think you should
know..."
"He's been altered by the spell." Tagon nodded,
"I already know that, Petey. I'm not completely
ignorant."
"Sorry." Petey actually sounded contrite.
"Don't worry about it," Tagon replied, he
holstered the plasma gun and threw a relatively
hard punch to the Pirate's face. The impact spun
the pirate 180 degrees and dropped him on his
face.
"That felt strangely satisfying."
"Now," Tagon turned to terrified Noblewoman.
"Ma'am, I really suggest you come with me. It'll
be safer."
"I... I..."
"Well, this is fun." A voice from the end of the
alley interrupted them.
Tagon turned to see a bleach blond male
approaching flanked by some of the ugliest
'demons' he'd seen that night.
"You know," the blond grinned, "I was just out
for some smokes when all this 'fun' happened.
And now what do I see? The Slayer acting all
girly and helpless. Even if her nancy boy sidekick
has gotten all manly. This is just too good to be
true."
"Petey?" Tagon asked quietly.
"No humans in this bunch, sir." Petey responded
from behind him.
"The name is Spike." The blond informed Tagon.
"Not Petey, like you bloody well didn't already
know that, Harris."
"The name is Captain Kaff Tagon." Tagon
informed Spike, "Not Harris. And I think I'm
going to have to hurt you now."
"Oh?" Spike stepped forward, "You think you can
take me then?"
"Just out of curiosity," Tagon asked as he closed
with Spike, "Do you know what Carbonan
Fullerene Powered Armor is?"
"What's that?" Spike asked.
"Let me demonstrate." Tagon activated his
armor's helmet, then threw a hard punch. The
kinesthetic boost the armor provided delivered a
blow that literally knocked Spike head over heels.
Sending the clueless vampire backwards out of
the alley.
Tagon went for the Plasma gun as the other
monsters rushed in. Unfortunately for the lead
demon, Tagon managed to get the gun up and
firing just as it reached the mercenary captain.
Fortunately for the remaining demons behind it,
the Plasma gun was still set on setting one and
didn't do much more than burn the lead demon to
a crisp.
As the first demon burned the others closed
quickly on Tagon and one managed to knock the
Plasma gun from his hand. The two biggest
grabbed Tagon as the others clawed and
pummeled at him. As none of the creatures could
apparently penetrate his armor and none of them
were smart enough to grab his Plasma gun, Tagon
simply waited for the right moment to act.
"That's enough!" Spike shouted as he staggered
back into the alley. "I'm going to rip your head
off and drink straight out of the stump for that
one, boy."
Tagon tested the strength of the two demon's
holding him, then grinned under his helmet. "Last
time I asked you a question it didn't work out to
well for you. Ready for another question?"
"You have got to be kidding me." Spike sneered.
"What can you possibly do against two Fyarl
demons?"
"Do you know what a 'Dorothy System' is?"
"No, what the bloody hell is a 'Dorothy
System'?"
"I'll show you." Tagon snapped his heels
together, then kicked his feet to either side of
Spike.
Spike saw Tagon bring his legs up and dropped to
his knees to avoid the kick to face he was
expecting. Luckily for the world, Tagon hadn't
been aiming at Spike's head, so the Molecular
wire held between his two boots went right
through Spike's neck as though it wasn't even
there.
Even as Spike turned to dust, Tagon had his feet
back on the ground, the 'Dorothy System'
deactivated and both Fyarl's in air. With quick
throw, he sent the two demons into the crowd of
monsters still in shock over Spike's sudden
demise.
"Captain?" Petey asked from behind him. "I've
been meaning to ask.
"Yes?"
"Why were you using Sgt. Schlock's gun, when
yours is holstered across your back?"
"Son of a..." Tagon did quick reach behind draw
and pulled his Strohl g/g pistol. His first volley
dropped the front demons in their tracks and
caused the remainder to freeze. "Okay, now
here's the deal. Starting running, or I'm going to
feed all of you a nice order of blam!"
As Tagon blew the head off of another demon, the
remaining creatures decided to be somewhere
else. Almost as one, they turned and ran out of
the alley.
"Thank you, sir." Lady Elizabeth said as Tagon
helped her to her feet.
"Now..." Tagon's voice faded out as a wave of
dizziness passed through him. When the
dizziness passed, Xander Harris looked around in
confusion. "Whoa!"
"I'll see your whoa." Buffy said as she took off
her wig, "And I'll raise you an 'Oh my god that
went beyond weird'!"
"Yeah," Xander nodded. He looked at the now
plastic toy gun in his hand and said, "I really think
we'd better call it a night."
"Oh yeah," Buffy nodded and lead the way back
to her house.
End part 2
Time: Sometime between "Surprise" and
"Innocence".
Xander was lying in bed, worried about Buffy.
None of them had heard from her since she and
Angel went to the docks with the Judge's arm.
Now he was wondering if it was possible for the
Judge become active without its arm. "Damn, no
weapon forged by man? So does that leave?"
As Xander stood up to pace the floor again, a loud
sound, like an aluminum bat being put through a
high speed shredder tore through the room. The
oddly familiar sound froze Xander in his tracks. In
the center of his room a small box appeared, carried
by a sight familiar to Kaff Tagon's memories.
Terrified by the knowledge of just how dangerous
the device was, Xander almost dove out the window
before the Terapedo spoke.
"Could you please read the note, once I'm gone?"
As the terapedo vanished again, Xander picked up
the small electronic notepad. "What the? 'Please
push the red button on the top of the box, then read
the remainder of the note outloud'?"
Xander looked at the box left by the terapedo, on
top was a small red button. Hope warred with
paranoia for several moments. Then, Xander pushed
the button and spoke aloud.
"Attention Postdated Check Loan. As your new
Captain, my first order is that you continue to obey
the first order given to you by former Captain
Tagon."
"Hello, Captain Harris."
"Petey?" Xander found himself doing a very odd
dance. "Wow!"
"Sir?"
"I just found out, I can do the 'Happy Dance'!"
Xander said with a grin, "Hey, Petey. Not that I'm
unhappy to hear from you, but how did you manage
this and why haven't you contacted me before?"
"The how and the why are connected, Captain."
"Oh?"
"When I realized there might be a possibility that
Captain Tagon might be stuck here, I decided to
take measures to insure he'd have backup. To that
end, I scavenged as much material as I could and
mass produced as many fabbers from 'local' items
as possible. At the same time, I also used 'local'
material to produce a Level one AI and did a
memory dump. As soon as it was complete I
teraported the whole package to the asteroid belt.
It's taken me this long to rebuild the ship."
"So you waited till you were fully functional
again?"
"Well." Petey hesitated, "I'm not fully functional
yet. The Main superstructure, weapons and shields
are at 100 percent, but lifesupport, internal
bulkheads, and the docking bays are still being
worked on. I just finished the terapedo bays and
decided to send you a support package."
"Couldn't you have just wired a teraport to the
box?"
"The A.I. on a terapedo is more accurate and can be
recalled if necessary." Petey replied, "Also, In case
the coordinates turned out to be wrong, I can always
remove any trace of the teraport."
"By detonating the terapedo, no doubt." Xander
sighed, "Petey..."
"Just covering the possibilities, Captain." Petey
replied, "I took the liberty of fabbing you a set of
stealth armor and a g/g pistol."
"Look, Petey. Can you fab me up a couple of
Multi-Cannons, anti-tank rounds and a BH-209?"
"Actually, I already have those in stock." Petey
answered, "I'll send them out..."
"Uh, Petey." Xander held up the armor, "Look, I
don't want to sound ungrateful, but is there any way
to make this armor look more like the clothes of this
time period?"
"Well, I have been monitoring almost all of the
communications on your planet. I believe I can
modify the standard armor. Would you like a few
mini-tanks as well?"
"Well..." Xander thought about it, "No, I think
just the plasma gun and the multi-cannons for now."
"Very well, sir. It will take some time to fabricate
armor that can pass for conventional clothing of the
20th century."
"I want you to fab armor for Buffy, Willow, Giles,
Miss Calander and Oz as well."
"Of course, sir." Petey replied. "I have standard
armor that can fit them right now. I'll begin
working on the low profile armor immediately."
"Great, priority to getting the weapons and standard
armor here, asap." Xander order, "Oh, and some
G/g pistols. A couple thousand rounds of both non-
explosive and hi-ex ammo should suffice for now."
"I exist to serve, my Captain."
*****************************************
The Morning after 'Surprise'
"No assembly required," Buffy told them, "He's
active. Nearly killed us. Angel got us out."
"Well," Xander put a metal box on the table, "I've
got an idea on how to stop him."
"Oh?" Giles turned and watched with the others as
Xander opened the box, and pulled out five grey
and blue jumpsuits.
"What are those?" Buffy asked.
"Are those what I think they are?" Willow said at
the same time.
"Carbonan Fullerene Powered armor." Xander nodded
at Willow. "One set for each of you. You should
be able to wear it under slacks and long sleeved
shirts without been very noticeable. Stuff's
pretty much capable of dealing with anything a
demon can dish out, physically anyway, magic
might still be a problem."
"Where did you get that?" Giles asked. "I... I've
never even heard of anything remotely like it."
"From Petey." Xander grinned.
"Wha... what did you just say?" Giles stammered in
shock.
"Wait," Buffy frowned, "I thought you said that
Petey should have disappeared when the spell
ended?"
"He did," Xander explained Petey's apparent return
to their lives.
"What I don't understand, is why Petey did that."
Giles admitted.
"I asked that." Xander told them.
"So why?" Willow asked. "And, can I get a chance
to do a Turing Test on him?"
"Petey'd pass any Turing test you could come up
with, Will." Xander smiled, "As to the why, Petey
calculated that there was a small chance that I'd be
stuck as Kaff Tagon when the spell wore off, and
his loyalty circuits wouldn't let him leave the
Captain high and dry."
"So why...?" Willow's hacker side came out again,
"Because, you're the closest thing to Kaff Tagon in
this universe."
"You got it," Xander nodded.
"So," Buffy picked up one of the suits. "Did Petey
provide any weapons to go with the armor?"
"Well, the armor is practically a weapon in itself."
Xander smiled, "But, I am going to go over with all
of you the proper handling procedures for several of
the weapons we now have available."
"Cool," Buffy smiled. "So how does this 'armor'
work?"
******************************************
Time: Night the same day.
"Where have you been?" Willow asked Angel.
"Out," Angel looked around the darkened hallway.
"What's with the lights?"
"Not sure," Xander told him, "We've got a plan."
"I have news," Angel looked around some more,
"Why don't you get the others."
"Sure," Xander started back to the library. But
before he reached the door, Miss Calander stepped
out. Holding out a cross, she ordered Willow away
from Angel.
"That's not Angel," she told them after Angel
'vamped' out and grabbed Willow in a choke hold.
"You've got that wrong," Angel grinned, "I'm
Angel again. Finally!"
"Will," Xander said in a calm voice, "You
remember what I told you about the suit?"
"Oh..." Willow frowned, then brightened, "OH
YEAH!"
Angel almost let go in shock as blue fabric covered
Willow's head. He tightened his grip and decided
to go for the kill, biting Willow on the neck. A split
second later, he let go of the armored girl and
howled.
"My teef! You broke my teef!"
"No," Xander pulled his g/g pistol out of its hidden
holster. "*You* broke *your* teeth on the armor
Will's wearing."
"Guns can't kill me." Angel sneered through the
pain, "You know that."
"Keeping thinking that, Deadboy." Xander pointed
his gun at Angel. "Say goodbye, Gracie."
Before Xander could actually pull the trigger, Angel
threw Willow at him and ran for the door, right past
an astonished Buffy.
"Dammit!" Xander swore as Angel disappeared
through the doors.
"What's going on?" Buffy asked in shock.
"We've got a problem." Xander told her.
******************************************
Sunnydale Mall
"No weapon forged by man can hurt me." The Blue
demon growled as he pulled the crossbow bolt from
his chest.
Xander grinned, Oz had quickly figured out where
the Judge would strike and now the Scoobies were
about to teach the overgrown Smurf a lesson in
technological advances.
"That was then," Buffy held up her Multi-cannon. A
small red dot appeared on the Judge's chest.
"And this is now." Xander lifted his Multi-
Cannon's barrel until it was pointed right at the Judge.
"What are those?" The Judge asked.
"Guns." Angel replied, "I don't..."
Angel didn't get to say much more, as the hi-ex
rounds from the two cannons introduced him to the
concept of rule 37 of the 'Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Pirates'. The Judge was splattered over a
good 20 feet of the mall. Most of the vampires
behind him were vaporized by the blast, while
Angel and Dru were sent flying in opposite
directions.
Xander tossed Oz his Multi-cannon and pulled out
his g/g pistol. He shouted to Buffy, "You get the
psycho, I've got deadboy!"
"Xander!" Buffy shouted.
Xander paused, even though Angel was still
staggering to his feet. He locked eyes with Buffy
and silently tried to reason with her. Finally, he
said, "He's not Angel anymore, Buffy."
Buffy stared back, chewing her lip. Then nodded,
"Do what you have to do."
Xander nodded back. Turning he saw Angel
limping for one of the doors. "Ah hell."
Chasing the injured vampire down the hallway and
finally fired a round in the wall in front of him.
"You're not going to get away this time, Deadboy."
Xander said as he fired again. This time, the bullet
caught Angel behind the knee, blowing it out and
dropping the vampire to the ground in pain.
"Buffy will never forgive you, if you kill me."
Angel almost begged as he tried to crawl away.
Xander kicked Angel over, and stomped hard on his
chest. Angel cringed as Xander raised the pistol
again. This time aiming straight for his head.
The last thing he heard was, "Yah, but if I let you
live and you hurt one of them, *I* wouldn't forgive
myself."
Curse this character limit!