Skippy's List-AEWAB version

[Barricade]

545.
If you hire an IS maintenance tech named Tim Taylor, you -deserve- whatever fate has in store for you. If you attempt to fob him off to the rest of the battalion, I will have you shot.

546.
Ghille Suits do not come in 'Mech sizes.
546a.
Yet.

547.
Just because a Ghost Bear light mech was thrown on top of a Clan quad mech by Dansel, does not give you the right to start spouting off about Bear Cavalry. The same goes for anyone chucking any mech on top of any Diamond Shark mechs and mentioning shark cavalry. Anyone attempting to combine the two will be given a medal for valor, and then permanently removed from the combat roster.

[Richardson]

Originally Posted by Barricade

547.
Just because a Ghost Bear light mech was thrown on top of a Clan quad mech by Dansel, does not give you the right to start spouting off about Bear Cavalry. The same goes for anyone chucking any mech on top of any Diamond Shark mechs and mentioning shark cavalry. Anyone attempting to combine the two will be given a medal for valor, and then permanently removed from the combat roster.

548: Just because you jump over a Diamond Shark mech does not mean that you have jumped the shark. Quit acting like that Dansel. Sheesh.

[dylanredefined]

549 WWDD what would Dansel do is forbidden in thought,speech or merchandise.
550 The Answer to WWDD is not Sally Ryan.

[mkire]

Originally Posted by dylanredefined

550 The Answer to WWDD is not Sally Ryan.

550a: The correct answer to WWDD is run away from Sally Ryan if at all possible

[dylanredefined]

True but 550 is funny unless the secret service hears it or Mr clark or Dansell
or Ms Ryan or lots of other people actually.Sort of joke that can only be told
in the hush of night among friends .And will probably end as badly as imitating
the co did in black hawk down.Its still funny.

[The Bushranger]

Originally Posted by Barricade

545. If you hire an IS maintenance tech named Tim Taylor, you -deserve- whatever fate has in store for you. If you attempt to fob him off to the rest of the battalion, I will have you shot.

545a. And if he brings a radio-controlled helicopter to work, RUN. NOW. WHILE IT'S MERELY TOO LATE.

[The Bushranger]

Well, I went through the most recent collection that was posted. And fixed all the numbers and letters. I think. Several were wrong or duplicated, but now they're sorted out...

Not all the formatting is original, that's a later project. Much later

Anyway, here we are, 550 and counting!

*********************************************************

1. May not attempt to play 'Rock-em, Sock-em Robots' using Battlemechs.

2. Dansel is not my idol.
2a. Really.

3. Stop asking about the weather on Strana Mechty.

4. We all know who the hell you are. Stop asking.

5. THIS! IS! NOT! SPARTA!

6. Never challenge Sally Ryan in a 'Mech Sim. That path leads to tears.

7. It is not and will never be Morphin' Time.
7a. Except maybe on Solaris 7.
7b. Presuming we ever get a combiner to actually work, or can bullshit it some other way.

8. Its a REAL BAD Idea to tell Dansel to "relax" "calm" or anything of the style. This goes double when Sally Ryan is in the area.
8a. Seriously. Just ask President Ryan.
8b. No, you can't tell Dansel that Sally is coming to visit as a joke. We're still dealing with the mess from the last time.

9. BT people are not stupid. There's just an artificial selection process imposed by Comstar that limits the BT population of scientists and engineers.
9a. Ditto for the Clans, although theirs is less lethal (!) and their scientists and engineers can honestly complain about limited resources and funding.

10. Always assume that the Mercs know what they do when they make requests.

11. Telling the new guy not to worry about the cockpit temperature is decidedly unsporting.

12. It is unacceptable to use severed limbs in a practical joke.
12a. Even if it's your own.
12b. Yes this means you Sergeant Griffen.

13. A-pods are not full of yummy treats, and it is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.

14. Despite the similarity of names, Immortal Warrior and My Immortal are not to be combined.

15. The following items do not exist, and I am not allowed to send new recruits searching for them: XL ICE engines, Hardened Ferro-lammellor armor, the entry codes to the jump point, Pulse PPCs, or Quadruple Strength Myomer.
15a. Being unlisted, I assume triple heat sinks, personal KF drives, and Star League memory cores are fair game.

16. You may not request Salvage to build a mech-scale hammer.

17. No, it can't have rocket boosters.

18. "And I'll form the Head" is not to be said by the technician running the crane that is repairing a mech.

19. Dansel and Monster, Red Bull, or Rockstar energy drinks are never to be combined.

20. Never make fun of Brox with mime jokes.
20a. Unless you have good life insurance and a high pain tolerance.

21. Saying Kamehameha slowly and loudly while your PPC charges up will get you pulled off the firing range and pulled into the CO's office.
21a. The same applies with "Imma Chargin mah lazer" and Shouting "SHOOP DA WHOOP" while firing...

22. Never offend the Kiwi SAS contingent.
22a. Never call them Kiwis either.

23. Overheating your mech is not an excuse to start doing a hot & steamy striptease or lapdance in your Mech's cockpit for the 'viewing pleasure' of your co-pilot (or pilot as maybe) or anyone else watching.

24. If you're holding something in your mech's hand that is in desperate need of getting squished like a grape, you will not stay motionless for 57 seconds, while Mozart or Beethoven plays over your mech's loudspeakers. You will squish it immediately.
24a. Neither you will use your Battlemaster's PPC to pierce an enemy mech on the chest on melee combat, then fire it and say "This hand of mine is burning red! It's loud roar tells me to grasp victory! Here I go! Erupting Burning FINGER!" or ANYTHING of the style.
24b. Yeah, that means you too, Dansel.

25. We dig giant robots, you dig giant robots, chicks dig giant robots, your female commanding officer doesn't like that theme song played. Repetitively. Live with it.

26. Calling Nicholas Kerensky 'Lil Nicky' around any Clanner will always end badly.

27. Isn't allowed to order any new recruits to "search the barracks for jump points."

28. Isn't allowed to open a mech-sized fitness studio.

29. No, the neurohelmet is not a means to read my thoughts. And stop telling the recruits that it is.

30. I am not allowed to use my mech's fusion reactor to power a jury rigged hot-tub.
30a. I am not allowed to turn my mech cockpit into said hot tub.
30b. I am not allowed to turn my enemy's mech cockpit into a hot tub, complete with oil, vegetables and tofu added to the water for flavor.

31. I am allowed to use my mech's fusion reactor to power a jury-rigged field shower, as long as I share.

32. Do not assign Dansel to an Atlas. He might use an enemy light mech as melee weapon.
32a. Or a friendly one for that matter.
32b. He can't have an Atlas II either!(Former 32a)

33. Is not allowed to stud my Atlas's head with mohawk spikes.
33a. Even if they're for the express purpose of staking fallen enemies.
33b. Especially if they're for the express purpose of staking fallen enemies.

34. The Antallos Mech Wrestling Association does not and will never exist. So stop trying to set up that ring.

35. I am not allowed to use a mech's manipulator hands to flip off people.

36: You don't have a drill, nor is it going to pierce the heavens.

37. You may not throw reason to the curb and go beyond the impossible.
37a. No matter how often Dansel does this and still wins.

38. Don't yell "CODE SIERRA ROMEO" just to see Dansel scream like a little girl.

39. Will all those who took part in the "Mech Thriller" video please report to your officers.

40. Don't do something for the express purpose of getting onto this list.

41: you may not under any circumstances consider combining mech's

42: you may not call out your attacks
42a: Nor can you name them

43. Giant shades are not legitimate add ons to your mech
43a. They are if they provide an armor bonus.

44. Tanks are NOT skateboards

45. Isn't allowed to adorn the WoB crest with swastikas.

46. Isn't allowed to sell Kalashnikovs to the IS by the gross meter.
46a. Isn't allowed to sell Kalashnikovs to the IS period.
46b. Do find and sell something better than a Kalashnikov because AK derivatives are already mass produced by the Inner Sphere as a cheap weapon given to all militias.

47. Isn't allowed to get stomped on by any mechs. (Questionable)

48. There will be no more inquiries about "when the Babylon Project begins." It was funny the first time, people. After the tenth repetition, it's just tedious.

49. There is a fine line between heroic and stupid. Which side of that line Dansel is standing on is still the subject of hot debate.
49a. You may not shove him over the line.
49b. He jumped over it himself long ago.
49c. It doesn't matter from which side you look at it.

50. We will NOT be saving your ass if you call Natasha Kerensky a MILF and she hears about it. I don't care if she is. We WILL be posting the camcorder/Battle ROM footage to YouTube ASAP however.
50a. Never mind. Call her a MILF all you like. She seems to get a kick out of it, if the autographed cheesecake photograph she had sent to Regimental Command was any indicator.

51. Despite our research into neurohemet technology, we have not developed Psycommu technology.

52. You are not a newtype.

53. Minovsky interference is not an acceptable excuse for anything.

54. We are NOT raising the battleship Yamato to turn it into a Space-going warship. Do not bait the news media by telling them we are.
54a. We don't CARE what Emperor Akihito said at the news conference, it's not going to be raised.
54b. Yes, we know about the salvage ship stationed over her last reported position, and the photos CNN took. Who are you going to believe, your commanding officer, or your lying eyes?
54c. Don't answer that last question. Really. Just - don't.
54d. Ok, I admit it would be cool if it happened but it isn't going to happen, So STOP telling people it is.
54e. This conversation is over and it never happened, Do I Make Myself CLEAR!?.

55. You are not authorized to start a Fraternity at NAIS.
55a. or a Sorority.

56. Despite its previous popularity among the Mongol hordes, decorating the exterior of your mech with the severed heads of your enemies is tacky, and will not be tolerated. (Unless your name is Deb H'Chu and you have a pay stub proving you work for Cranston Snord. Fake birth certificates will not be accepted as evidence.)

57. Battlemechs are not to be used in "initiation rituals" of any kind.
57a. Nor "religious rituals"
57b. You can, however, use Industrial Mechs instead.

58. May not create cosplay outfit for battlemechs on government time.
58a. May not put 'mech-sized cosplay outfits made on own time on Government-owned Battlemechs.

59. May not make any further requests to the supply officer for Mega Particle Cannon.
59a. May not make requests for Mega Particle Cannon to anyone.

60. Plans for creating a "philotic entity" by networking millions of HPGs should not be filed as "Battle Plan #64a"

61. GDI-issue Neurohelmets are not to be hooked up to any sort of gaming console.

62. The Kusari-Gama is not an acceptable melee weapon design for battle-mechs.

63. Stop trying to hook Dansel up with Natasha Kerensky.....poor sod has enough on his plate with Sally Ryan as it is.
63a. Add Rhonda Snord to the list as well.

64. "Big O Showtime" is NOT a proper activation code.
64a. Neither is the challenge/response "What is best in Life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you... and to hear the lamentation of their women!"
64b. The proposed alternative "What is best in Life? Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper" is not suitable either.
...
Even though it is true.
64c. No Thulsa Doom quotes either!

65. They will not use wreckage from the Yamato to build GDIs first space going warship. The ships bell however....

66. Dansel is in no way related to Terry "Hulk" Hogan....and no he cannot get his autograph for you.

67. No passing around pics of the Metal Gear Rex and claiming it is a secret new battlemech prototype.
67a. The same holds true for anything from Maschinen Krieger or Heavy Gear.
67b. Neither may you claim that Gear Krieg depicts the actual mechs used during WWII.
67c. Or that designs from The Jovian Chronicles will replace ASFs.

68. Do not spread the Comstar Excommunication joke around. Its not funny...even if the Primus on Antallos did laugh at it.

69. My Mech doesn't have the rocket punch ability, nor i am to scream it during battle.
69a. Neither it has Magma Beams.
69b. It is not a Super Robot, period.

70. I Shall not refer about a Mech using Jump jets as "Breaking Wind", nor make any comments

about the smell.
70a. Specially if it is the CO's Mech.
70b. Hey, how could I have known he had beans for lunch that day?

71. Don't put popping corn under a mech's seat. Even if it was kinda funny when they started popping. Specially if it was funny when started popping. The tech teams are still scrapping the interior of the gunk.
71a. Stay clear of the tech teams, they are nasty when angered.

72. It isn't a funny gag when you put dinner plates in the middle of the road fliped over. The same goes for garden gnomes.

73. Yes there is a White Base. Yes, its a Pegasus class aerodyne dropship. No, you may NOT stick your battlemech on the catapult, say "'your name' Hasshin!" or "'your name' Idekimasu!" and launch from it.
73a. Unless its a LAM?
73b. Unless its a LAM.

74. No, painting it red doesn't make it go three times faster.
74a. Adding rocket boosters to a mech to make it go three times faster is not allowed either.
74b. Even if its Dansel trying to get away from Ms. Ryan.

75. Rebuilding a damaged Atlas' head does not involve reshaping it to look like a muscle car.
75a. Neither does rebuilding a damaged Highlander's head.

76. Letting Ms. Sally Ryan know where Dansel is, without warning the base CO ahead of time, will result in the infractor cooling in the brig. And paying for any and all damages occurred.

77. No, you will not paint that Urbanmech white and blue.
77a. Now will you paint that Atlas golden.

78. Death from above attacks are NOT standard operating procedure.
78a. Neither are Highlander Burials.

79. Don't ask Brox what he uses for the voice activated security codes in his mech. He just might show you.

80. Mech-size folding chairs will not be issued.
80a. Neither will be teacups.

81. Prospecting for lostech does not require any of the following items: gold-pan, bullwhip, donkey named Clementine, hard liquor, banjo, ten-foot pole.
81a. Correction - sometimes it DOES require a 10-foot pole.

82. I'm not allowed to change name to "Amaris" for any reason.

83. We are NOT the "Tau'ri"
83a. Nor are we the 13th Colony of Kobol

84. Yelling 'LEEROY JENKINS' at the top of your lungs, with the loudspeakers to max, while charging at the enemy is considered highly tacky.
84a. If you're charging at the enemy, you're been doing it wrong anyways.

85. Do not change the General's mech's voice to sound like Shodan.
85a. Or Max Headroom.

86. Your mech doesn't know Kung-Fu. And neither do you after putting on a neuro-helmet for the first time.

87. I will NOT ask anyone who outranks me "What they've been smoking?".
87a. Neither I'll ask them to share.

88. I can not have flashbacks to a battle that has not yet taken place. (And if Tukkayid happens I will have bigger problems than "Charlie" to worry about.)
88a. There is no such thing as a flashforward.
88b. Flashsides exists only in the works of Terry Pratchett.

89. The officially sanctioned term for the Clans in the presence of unbreifed IS personnel is "Charlie".
89a. It is above my paygrade to decide whether or not Charlie is dancing the Foxtrot.
89b. Charlie does not listen to the name Charlie Brown.

90: Isn't allowed to tell anyone that “the Giant Space Ants” are at the top of my chain of command.

91: Even if unofficial, I am to read "Skippy's List" and acknowledge that the content on it most likely applies to me as well.

92: May not call my unit the "Knight Sabers".
92a: May not use "Knight Sabers, sanjo!" as a command to move out.
92b: No, that APC's nickname is not "Silky Wagon".
92c. No, there is not going to be a "Hurricane Tonight", and humming the song while in your suit is forbidden. In fact, the entire OST (original sound track) is forbidden.(Case by case exceptions to this rule may be possible if you are indeed a: female and b: Japanese and c: cute.)
92d: Not allowed to play Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries over the suit radio.

93. Playing the OST to Braveheart, Last of the Mohicans, or the March of Cambreath, while facing the Northwind Highlanders will only motivate THEM better.

94. Pilots who even attempt to play any of the songs from the Robotech OSTs will be silenced by any and all means necessary ASAP.
94a. Exceptions are allowed if its the original Macross version.
94b. Only if its the Macross Frontier Version.

95. Watchman pilots are not to be called Robocop Wannabes.

96. Spectors are not The Goddamn Batman no matter how good they are at constantly scaring the crap out of the field exercise officials.

97. 'If it bleeds, we can kill it' is not the proper response after lightly damaging a Harjel equipped mech.

98. Never call an Awesome mechwarrior an Awesome mechwarrior unless you want to inflate their ego even more.

99. You are not allowed to ask 'Who watches the Watchmen' when encountering Watchman mechs.
99a. If the Watchman is painted Blue (any shade), you are not to ask them 'How's it hanging?' or make any remarks about bananas, salami, weiners, frankenfurters, etc.

100. Isn't allowed to hunt Wolf Clanners for their fur.

101. You are not allowed to do the Time Warp in a battlemech.
101a. Even if you were in a jumpship that had a mis-jump.

102. I don't care how thick your armor is, your first defense should always be to NOT GET HIT!. This is especially true if you're a crunchy. ie light mech, Savannah Master, power armor, etc...

103. Isn't allowed to use any form of FTL comm system for Porn.
103a. Unless its really good porn and used as part of a distraction.

104. The commonly accepted currency in the Inner Sphere is not 'beer'.
104a. Even if it's German beer.
104b. SPECIALLY, if it's American beer.

105. Rear-ending a 'Mech with a tank that has its barrel elevated is not a situation to be making jokes about, crude or not.
105a. Even if it is hilarious looking.
105b. Even if isn't hilarious looking.

106. I am not He-Man and I do not 'Have the power!'
106a. Not even if I somehow get ahold of a mech sized sword
106b. Neither am I part of Clan MacLeod, and there can be more than one.

107. I can not attempt to steal the Gundam.
107a. Or commandeer it.
107b. even if my name is Amuro Ray.

108. I am not to go "BRAAAAAAAAINS..." if my GM is decapitated and still combat worthy.

109. Led Zeppelin lyrics are not a valid battle challenge for the purposes of Zellbringen.
109a. Neither is the JemHadar 'Victory is Life' speech.
109b. This rule also applies to Kuritan style duels.

110. Tony Dansel does not have a theme song.
110a. If he did, it would not be to the tune of 'What Would Brian Boitano Do?"
110b. The line 'when Tony Dansel traveled through time to the year 3010, he fought the evil Comstar king to save us all again' is in especially bad taste given the nature of the ISOT event.

111. The Northwind Highlanders are not 'after me lucky charms'.
111a. But they are after our Scotch.

112. Isn't allowed to make "Critter Tek" references to Inner Sphere natives.
112a. Ever.

113. NO! Redjack Ryan isn't our president's evil twin.
113a. Mr. Clark said so.
113b. Mr. Clark knows your name now. do you REALLY want to meet him?
113c. No, it won't be for coffee and donuts.

114. Freedom is the Right of All Sentient Beings, but that doesn't mean you're Optimus Prime.

115. Your Mech can't transform. Stop trying.
115a. Unless you're in a LAM.
115b. But that doesn't mean you're Starscream.

116. The Secret Service is there to protect you and their principals. Stay out of their way.
116a. Unless you're Dansel, in which case any female USSS personnel are trying to either get in his pants, or get Sally Ryan in his pants. You are better off running away at this point.
116b. The USSS categorically denies any attempts to get into Dansel's pants have occurred, will occur, or are planned to occur, and 'requests' that you forget this ever happened.

117. I will NOT say "I saw this in an anime" in any discussion of tactics. Period.

118. RAINBOW is not the militant arm of the International Lesbian and Gay Association.
118a. GENERAL Clark wishes to have a little word with you.

119. Isn't allowed to develop a mech-sized needler.

120. Storing one's supply of beer in the autocannon barrels might cause things to backfire.
120a. Even if the bottles fit the caliber?
120b. Especially if they fit the caliber.

121. Isn't allowed to install a phallic-like mockup on my mech.
121a. Unless it's a gunmount.
121b. Similarly do not refer to a Mackie with the torso lasers removed as 'neutered'
121c. No, you're not allowed to use brain bleach under any circumstances.

122. Isn't allowed to install any form of revolving door on the office of Dansel's assigned co-pilot.

123. 'Justice has been served' isn't a tolerable or acceptable way of reporting your CO KIA, and its grounds for cooling on the brig, if not getting demoted.

124. Not allowed to regale IS recruits to the GDI Foreign Legion with tales about the exploits of the Legion Etrangere, Ghurkas, SAS, RAINBOW, Ghosts, Deltas, Spetznaz or GSUSA ANY military or paramilitary unit or organization on Earth with the intent to end the story with the words any variation of the phrase "... and Dansel was there."
124a. This applies to claiming Dansel did any deeds associated with notable historical or fictional figures such as, but in no way limited to Simo Häyhä, Alexander, John McClane, Amuro Ray, Luke or Anakin Skywalker, or Audie Murphy.
124c. It is especially poor taste to claim he is a reincarnated second coming of any of these figures.
124d. I am not allowed to encourage the formation of any cults or religions dedicated to the worship of Dansel.
124e. While I must inform my superiors about any such cults I am aware of, I should not allow Dansel to know - his ego is bad enough as is.
124f. Cult of Personality does not mean what I think it means and I should stop using it so often.

125. I am not a missionary and must stop trying to convert Spheroids to any of the following: [s]Pastafarianism, Haruhiism, Scientology, Zoroastrianism, Discordianism or the Imperial Cult[s] ANY religion, real or fictional.
125a. In retrospect, the idea of telling a C* adept about the Cult Mechanicus was a BAD IDEA all around.

126. Isn't allowed to index my superior officer as a 'Compact Gyro', no matter how dense he is.
126a. Isn't allowed to index him as an 'XL Gyro' either, no matter how much of an airhead he is.

127. Answering any Comstar inquires with "The Spice must flow," is discouraged. Please stick to "No Comment."
127a. I repeat, please stick to "No Comment." That means Vorlon-speaking AKA Kosh-isms are out too, soldier!

128. Isn't allowed to claim to be from 'Stars End' or 'Terminus'.
128a. Isn't allowed to ask C* adepts how things are going with the Foundation.
128b. Isn't allowed to requisition books on the subject of Psychohistory from a C* library.
128c. In fact, I am no longer allowed to speak to Spheroids without supervision.
128d. Point 128d is retracted, but I should consider it a warning.

129. All GDI personnel are reminded that they are not to quote any part of 'The Adventures of Ford Fairlane' on an open channel.
129a. Or a secure channel.
129b. And under no conditions is any part of a Battlemech to be named 'Stanley'.

130. Initializing a campaign of memetic warfare against any Spheroids is ABOVE MY PAYGRADE.

131. All GDI personnel are reminded that they do not have to yell 'Avada Kedavra' every time they fire their PPC.

132. All requests for a holo-projector to display the Dark Mark above the battlefield will be rejected.
132a. Again, this means YOU, Dansel!

133. I'm not allowed to accept corporate sponsorships for my mech piloting career

134. I'm not allowed to accept money to display any sort of advertisement or message on my mech, unless authorized by my superior officer, in writing.

135. Sally Ryan is not my superior officer.
135a. And I should stop scaring off Dansel by claiming she is.

136. Songs with any of the following themes are banned from use while deployed with the GDI: genocide, communism, jihad, AI.

137. While I am encouraged to try to improve relations with Spheroid powers on a grassroots level, organizing a Karaoke night and inviting representatives from both the DCMS and the AFFS without informing them of the fact ahead of time was, in retrospect, not a good idea and the cost for damages is coming out of my pay.

138. I am not a card carrying member of the Association for the Preservation of the Urbanmech, and I should stop telling people I am.

139. I will never again attempt to engage any special forces type unit in prank war without written permission from my three most immediate superior officers

140. Running away is a perfectly acceptable way to defend ones honor in a duel. Luring the inevitable pursuit into a minefield is just frosting on the cake.

141. I will not rip the heads off enemy mechs and appear to make the appearance of my mech 'drinking' the coolant oils blood fluids dripping from them.
141a. Even if it scares the hell out of the enemy, because it will also likely scare the hell out of my fellow soldiers.

142. Mt. Dew, Rockstar, Monster, Amp, Redbull, and Bawls are not to be given to Dansel under ANY circumstances.
142a. Failure to comply with this will result on being assigned as the temporal co-pilot of Dansel for the occasion
142b. 142a is revoked, where the hell we get all that suicidal fame-seekers?
142c. Don't answer that question.

143. I am not to reconfigure my PPC to fire a bolt that looks like a BFG blast due to particle feedback damage to my mech, damage to the range, and my Lieutenant's jeep. No matter how intimidating it looks.336: In the thirty-first century, there is only war.

144. Dealing with raiders in Wasps, Spiders, or Scorpions is not to be referred to as "Yet another damn bug hunt".

145. The GDI does not have nukes, isn't willing to use nukes if they did, and aren't planning a "scorched Earth" policy on Inner Sphere worlds in the event of invasion by overwhelming forces.
145a. Please be sure to spread the word to everyone, especially House Lords, regional military commanders, and anyone else with significant military forces.

146. MECH SOCCER IS FORBIDDEN.

147. Building sculpture with your mech's hands out of scrap metal is prohibited.

148. Despite certain persons having tried it, capes are NOT an authorized part of your battlemech's ToE.

149. In pursuance with rule 134, painting the shield crest of the House of El on the front of your battlemech is STRICTLY PROHIBITED!
149a. This also applies to any paintings or other representations of certain orders of Chiroptera. We're not kidding. DC is threatning to sue us, people!
149b. Painting the Black Knight as 'The Punisher' is allowed however, Stan Lee apparently thinks its 'Cool'.
149c. Painting any Battlemech as a Marvel character legally requires you to yell "Excelsior!" over the external speakers at least once per battle.
149d. Not to mention having to pay royalties to Marvel comics.
149e. Yes, that's right. YOU are paying THEM to advertise THEIR product.

150. Painting Clan markings and colours on my 'Mech is neither funny nor original.

151. Neither is issuing a batchall over to base on the return leg of a patrol.(batchall!?)

152. Please refrain from playing "The Sacred War" or any other 'inspirational' soviet music on the battlefield or over the PA system. It scares the locals.

153. Whoever hijacked the local radio station and traumatised the locals with SIX solid hours of Rammstein please report to your commanding officer IMMEDIATELY!!!.
153a. Should've used Cannibal Corpse instead. Rammstein songs are lullabies.
153b. Actually, Iniquity.
153c. ("Bangs head against desk repeatedly")

154. The events conducing to a mech wearing a sailor fuku NEVER Happened, its that CLEAR!?

155. Dansel is only a Lieutenant. Commenting on how Sally Ryan wants to be his 'Command Team 'is discouraged at least until he is a Major.

156. I may not play "Major Tom" during liftoff.

157. There is no Brotherhood of NOD, and it doesn't fight GDI, I'm not a member and I am to stop telling the Spheroid intel people that I am.

158. I shall not reference Black Adder...EVER.

159. I shall not reference Schlock Mercenary ever. Yes this means you will not paint "Beware the Ommminous Hummmmm" on the side of your PPC.

160. There is NO Mercenary unit called Tagon's Toughs and I am not a member.

161. I may not confuse my superiors by deliberately fudging the numbers on the list.

162. If I demand a recount, I had better damned well be prepared to do it myself.

163. May not carve my superiors' names into Gauss rifle rounds issued to my battlemech.
163a. Or any ordnance, for that matter.
163b. Even PPC particles?
163c. I'm intrigued. Explicitely allowed. If proven to be possible, immediate transfer to MIT.

164. The next mechwarrior who says, "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," over their external speakers will be thrown in the brig.
164a. After we make you build it.

165. "Was it something I said?" is not an advisable reply to a reprimand.

166. Saying "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" does not inspire faith in those around me.

167. Isn't allowed to paint my mech's torso grey and the arms and legs red.

168. Isn't allowed to install a neutron bomb self destruct device in my mech.

169. I will not reference to the'Seven Habits of highly effective Pirates'.
169a. Especially not on Antallos.
169b. Or while being close to Hanse Davion, he just might get ideas...
169c. Same goes for the Evil Overlords' list.

170. I cannot 'form Blazing Sword'
170a. Not allowed to quote Voltron any 'giant robot' anime.

171. All GDI personnel are reminded that they are no longer allowed to preform an exorcism on DCMS 'Ghost' Regiments.
171a. Henceforth, screaming "The power of Christ compels you!" over your loudspeakers is ONLY reserved for the Chaplain.

172. Blaming Lt. Scott Bernard is not an acceptable excuse for constantly running out of missiles.
172a. Similarly those making commends about "Lt. Bernard" blowing his load when a magnum launch is performed get to fill out the company's requisition for new missiles. Including the begging supply for them.
172b. Kneepads will not be issued for such duties.

173. Your mech is not an Evangelion.
173a. Nor are you permitted to let your kid brother pilot it.
173b. And please refrain from any further attempt of flooding the cockpit with that "LCL" stuff. The controls are not watertight.

174. Note to Earth Engineers: Develop water proof controls.

175. Female 'mech pilots will refrain from using blue hair dye and/or blue wigs, nor will they tell people that they were 'cloned' to be 'mech pilots. THIS GOES DOUBLE when in audible range of ANYONE working for ComStar. (We don't need to be giving the Blakists more ideas, people, they're dangerous enough as is...)

176. Taking advantage of captured hot female clones is against GDI regulations.
176a. Likewise with claiming that the hot female clones took advantage of you.
176b. Taking advantage of hot female clanswomen taking as bondswomen (just to deny the enemy of their abilities) is also against GDI regulations.
176c. Even if they're wanting some.

177. "Dynamic Entry' is not a valid combat move, no matter how practical it might be

178. You are not to paint your power armor red and gold
178a. Nor are you to hum 'Ironman' while in it

179. Humanoid Light mechs are not to be referred to as 'Nightmare Frames'

180. I an not to commission a mech-sized sword
180a. After all maces work much better.

181. Dansel is not the God Emperor. Period

182. Battle Cries must be approved at the Regimental level before use in the field.
182a. "This is a good day to die!", "for the Greater Good", and 'Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh" have already been considered and denied.
182b. Just because Joe Kucan agreed to do a series of infomercials for GDI does not mean "KANE LIVES!!!" is approved.
182c. "Peace through power!" however, is.

183. Battlemechs do NOT have 'Limit Breaks', nor should you attempt to activate them.

184. We do not care how good looking a captured clan Vixen is wearing a mech scaled cosplay outfit of Nanoha Takamachi, or how fitting it is with that laser. You will remove it immediately and repaint it back to spec. Now.
184a. Same goes for the modified No-Dachi dressed as Fate Testarossa.

185. Light Power armor equipped with dual vibro-battle claws are not to be tossed 'Fastball Special' style at a Battlemech by a larger Power Armor, during a field exercise.
185a. Nor are you to refer to Battlemechs as 'Mutant-Hating Sentinels'.
185b: And only during a field exercise.

186. No you may not cook eggs in your 'Mech's overheated cockpit during battle. You will eat the rations supplied.

187. Clan Bondscords are NOT to be used in Japanese Rope Bondage!
187a. Nor are you to attempt to bribe your commanding officer with photos of said cords being used on comely females.

188. No one, and we mean NO ONE, mentions Clone troopers within earshot of anyone working for ComStar. This offense is punishable by firing squad. Seriously, people, we do NOT need to give the Wobbies any ideas here, they were bad enough the first time around.

189. That never happened and we will never speak of it again.
189a. May not ask for pieces of either the balloon, the harness or the gondola as souvenirs.
189b. Not even Dansel will top that level of Crazy Awesome in a thousand years.
189c. What part of never do you fail to comprehend?

190. In retrospect, 189c should not have been written down. Dansel felt up to a challenge, and tried to top it. Or was it Sally Ryan? Either way the two of them managed to pull it off via one running from the other.
190a. This is never to be referred to, even in jest or as an aside, to the Base CO, Base Security CO, Planetary Governor, or the SPAM Processing Plant CEO. Ever.

191. [REDACTED]
191a. Anything left as a result was BURNED with prejudice. No souvenirs for you.

192. Just because you can capture a 'mech by strapping explosives to yourself and jumping onto the mech's cockpit does not mean that it is a good or sane idea.
192a. Nor should you requistion jump packs or any form of extended jumping system in order to do so. Using power armor to do this however is encouraged and classes take place every 2nd Tuesday at your nearest training center.

193: Not allowed to pour extra-stregth icy hot in my CO's coffee.
193a: Not allowed to abandon my post.
193b: Not even for getting a glass of milk.

194. Not allowed to put capsaicin powder in anyone's cooling suit.
194a. Not even for an exercise. I shouldn't need to tell you this, people!

195. You are not to declare a Trial of Possession for the last can of beer in the fridge.
195a. If you do declare a Trial of Possession for the last can of beer in the fridge and someone else drinks it while you are engaged in battle it's your own damn fault.
195b, Not allowed to declare a Trial of Grievance against the person who took the last can of beer out of the fridge.

196, Not allowed to declare Trials of Annihilation against paperwork.
196a, Unless it's the enemy's paperwork.

197. I do not have a pet Shoggoth and I may not threaten to feed people to it.

198. I am not to use ideas gleamed from playing Homeworld nor FreespaceII as proper tactics for space operations.

199. Nor should I use the 10ft holotank to play a game of Homeworld or Freespace II during dog-watch.
199a. This goes for all games. People the Holo tanks are tools, wait till the commercial versions appear.
199b. Not to mention that playing while on duty? Not Kosher.
199c. Reprogramming the Holotanks to simulate an attack by GDI against the USS Enterprise or any other fictional vessel will result in a transfer to latrine duty.

200. Crowbars are not general issue with GDI PA(L) suits, so stop asking.
200a, Even if they should be.
200b. The base PX however does have a wide selection to choose from.
200c. No you may not charge it as a unit expense. You want one, you buy it.

201. Just because we painted your mech to match the enemies does not mean you join formation with them in preperation on an attack on GDI forces. The fact that you headcapped their commanding officer and pillaged their base does not get you off the hook.

202. Will not anonymously send design specifications to Inner Sphere 'mech producers that resemble Clan designs.
202a. Or Wobblie.
202b. Or anything from an anime.

203. No Earth cannot make gravity guns. Stop asking for one.
203a. Not even mech scale ones.
203b. Yet.
203c. Neither can we make Macross style heavy particle beams.
203d. Yet.
203e. 'Yet' in this case means not until we learn how to make NPPCs, and then fire link a half dozen or so together to discharge as one.
203f. Or do the same with a dropship with 10+ PPCs in the nose.

204. Am not allowed to convert the Statue of Liberty replica in Port Krin into a fully functional Battlemech.
204a. ... because the Army Corps of Engineers already did so.
204b. There's a Statue of Liberty replica in Port Krin?
204d. We will not spray it with green goo, nor will we we march through New York with it. And your name is NOT Venkmann.
204e. Neither is it Spengler
204f. or Stantz, and honestly how do you sleep with the goo?
204g. Yeah, that kind of sleep...

205. We do not have an earth custom of hanging slavers by the neck until dead.
205a. We use a fair speedy trial, followed by human lethal injection, or firing squad if means for that is not available.
205b. We have not signed the cherwell convention for the matter the Cherwell convention does not exist.
205c. We are not applying as of yet the Cherwell convention equipment clause to crew of suspected slavers.
205d. However we are seriously considering it. Don't tempt us.

206. Please do not use Japanese honorifics with officers from the Combine unless you actually know what they mean.
206a. "I heard it in an Anime once" does not qualify as knowing what it means.
206b. "-chan" does not signify "honored guest"
206c. And don't tell FNG's it does.

207. No! Mallets!
207a. And no shouting "Pervert!" when seeing a 'naked' (i.e. with its armour blown off) mech.
207b. No, dressing up as a japanese schoolgirl and speaking in falsetto doesn't help.

208. We are not and will not be designing a warship that transforms into a mech(a).
208a. Even if it would scare the pants of everyone.

209. I am not allowed to serve my CO pineapple salad before a major engagement.
209a. I am not allowed to serve my CO pineapple salad before any engagement.
209b. Pineapple Salad is officially prohibited. You may, however, sell the recipe to the enemy.

210. In a similar vein, I will not propose marriage just before a mission. That never turns out well.

211. I am not a leaf on the wind.
211a. Nor do we aim to misbehave.
211b. Claiming that we are "Big Damned Heroes" though is acceptable as long as it is done in moderation.

212. I shall not attempt to recreate the Macross Punch.
212a. Even if my mech's 'fist' is made of SRMs.

213. No, we are not developing an automated assault mech that is controlled by music, and I shall not tell the recruits that.
213a. In a similar vein, I am not allowed to sell footage of Power Rangers or Sentai to the locals- aside from copyright issues, it would give them bad ideas, and we want to save our investiture in such things for Solaris.

214. Despite being able to defeat an enemy to steal their weapons, I am not Megaman, nor shall I repaint my mech to reflect changes in armament as though I were.

215. Convincing the DCMS to perform the Hare Hare Yukai with a combat lance is in extremely bad taste.
215a. If we find out who recorded it, and how they hell they got it onto Youtube, there will be much trouble.
215b. In other words- if you plan to do something like this ever again, don't ever get caught.
215c. This was in no way a suggestion to re-do this stunt by performing 'Yatta!' instead.

216. Battlemechs are not capable of Symmetrical Docking, and such things should not be tried.

217. No, I am not allowed to pilot my battlemech using a guitar.
217a. Even if I can actually do so.
217b. Similarly, attempting to pilot a mech via dance pad is prohibited.
217c. see 217a.

218. The enemy not only does not want to 'Listen to your song', but painting your battlemech bright red will only serve to get it shot down all the more faster.

219. I do not shop at S-Mart, and if my battlemech's hand gets cut off in battle, I may not requisition a mech scale chainsaw to replace it.
219a. Even if my other hand is holding an LBX-AC.
219b. Even if Mech-scale chainsaws do exist, I'm still not allowed to have one.

220. I am no longer allowed to tell the locals about the Gundam Fight, or how it's the solution to all war.
220a. Even if it is.
220b. Even if it isn't.

221. When people ask if I am a god, I am no longer permitted to tell them that I am.
221a. It's far too much paperwork for too little gain.

222. Attempting to 'cross the streams' using unfocused PPCs is strictly forbidden.

223: Not allowed to address Combine officials with 'bakemono-sama'.
223a: Even if they deserve it.
223b: Especially if they deserve it.

224. Am not allowed to play March of Cambreadth before, during, or after a battle, it's been far too overused.
224a. Nor am I allowed to shout 'How many of them can we make die' over an open channel.

225. The proper way to greet Major Staedale is 'Good morning/afternoon sir', not 'So, how many regiments are the 12th Star Guards down to this decade, and have you rethought the mercenary lifestyle yet?'

226. May not convince an AFFS marching band to play the theme of Blackadder.
226a. Correction - I am allowed to convince them to play it, but I am not to deceive them into thinking it is the GDI national anthem.
226b. I am not to convince the DCMS Marching Band to play the Gundam theme

227. The next person who suggests building a lion shaped mech will be tarred and feathered...
227a. The next person to mention the V-Word will get sewage tank clean out duty.
227b. And I will form the head is not to be uttered at all..

228. We will absolutely not convert the yard queen Leopard into an AT-AT.
228a. Converting a Flea Light Battlemech into a AT-ST has already happened, and it works. No you may not try to make a better one.

229. When in a large group of GM Battlemechs, you may not say 'KEKEKEKEKEKEKE' repeatedly as they manuever.

230. Sgt. Keroro might be the unit mascot, but you are NOT to rebuild any mech's head to look like him. Or any of the other Keroro Gunso frogs.

231. Even if you have a giant Deathscythe that has twin flamers on it, you are NOT the God of Death, nor should you announce yourself as one.
231a. How did you get the Deathscythe anyways? Requisitions would like to know.

232. The Laser Chainsaw was a one-off prototype, yes. But we still need it for data-analysis. That means give it back. This means you, Fuklaw.

233: May not sell sets of one X-box, one TV and a copy of Full Spectrum Warrior to Spheroid intelligence agencies by claiming it is the premier GDI infantry squad leader training simulator.

234. You may not convert your mechs manipulators into muppets...
234a. Nor for the matter may you use them to manipulate marionettes.
234b. Also the Chucky doll will be used for target practice.
234c. Will the engineer who came up with the marionette modification forward the specs to the factory reps...

235. You will not send Katrina Stiener a fruit basket and aged champagne for winning the "MILF of the Year " Contest. No we don't care that she sent a thank you card.

236. You will not teach your pet monkey how to pilot a mech.
236a. Nor your dog, cat, snake, parakeet or other pet.
236b. Nor any stray or farm animal. And please return the horse to its proper owner.
236c. Yes, gerbils, rats and goldfish fall under the "other pets" heading in 236a.
236d. if you do so, and the animal turns out to be a better pilot than you, we will give it your mech assignment.

237. I am officially restricted from asking Spheroids existential questions- their microcosm is extremely fragile, and attempting to break it is bad.

238. Just because Sally Ryan's cookies can be used as higher grade armour then current BT standards does not mean I am allowed to fish through Dansel's garbage with the intent to construct a suit of armour out of them.
238a. Similarly, I am to cease forwarding samples to our engineers in an attempt to jumpstart the production of better armour.

239. The battlemech scale electric guitar is a curiosity- nothing more. I shall not equip mechs with hand actuators with it, nor shall I use it as a weapon, sonic or otherwise.

240. My mech cannot 'rocket punch' and I am not allowed to modify it so that it can.

241. Just because I have rigged my fusion reactor to run in a state of barely controlled overload for a specific sequence of time on command does not mean I am allowed to scream 'FACE OPEN!' over open comms as I procede to overcharge my mech for the next thirty seconds.
241a. Though the engineers would like a closer look at the design, it really is a piece of work.

242. You are no longer allowed contact with the local HPG net. Don't ask. Just don't.

243. While showing childrens shows such as Barney the Dinosaur is acceptable when used for the entertainment of the local children, it is not acceptable as an implement of torture or memetic warfare.

244. Showing off Zone of the Enders Anubis (2nd Runner) to known Spheroid Intelligence agents with the intent to make them believe we can use Zero Shift and other 'super' abilities is approved to stump the hell out of them.
244a. Actually attempting to alter a Battlemech to perform Zero Shift and/or other 'super' abilities, without an entire engineering design staff, by the original manufacturer, signing off on it, is however, not approved.

245. Anyone piloting a Falcon may NOT perform a Falcon Punch.

246. You may not cut orders to have the field training facility rebuilt to look like Blood Gulch, any Halo DM maps, any Team Fortress 2 maps, any FPS gaming DM maps.

247. Why the hell do people keep mentioning mech scale guitars?

248. Because this.
248a. Okay, yeah. That was cool.

249. GDI is not going to field Imperator Titans or Tyranid Hierophants nor any other unit inspired by the Warhammer 40k game. Please stop showing those pictures to suspected IS agents.

250. The next person to suggest building a Utahraptor shaped battlemech will be put to cleaning mech waste tanks with a toothbrush.
250a. But it would look cool isn't an excuse
250b. Nor will we dress battlemechs as any dinosaur.
250c. This includes Kaiju.

251. You will not modify the helmet of your armored suit so it looks like a vikings horned helmet.
251a. The same goes for adding a knight's crest.
251b. That includes spikes.
251c. Brightly colored feathers also.
251d. That includes whatever decorative attachments of past military helmets as well.
251e. Dansel don't even think of doing any of the above with a mech
251f. That helmet shall not ever be mentioned or seen again.
251g. No! Giant! Shoulder! Pads!
251h. No spurs!!!!
251i. What about the Atlas? they do have big shoulder pads... sorta

252. GDI isn't going to field an All Atlas Battlemech Footbal team and there isn't a MechBall Game.
252a. Not yet, Solaris is still considering the idea.

253. To avoid weirding out any BT-born people any more then we already have GDI personal are henceforth banned from showing them any: action movies staring the Wolf's Dragoons, Republic-themed novels, fan fiction, Clanner/Spheroid romances, and/or children's books about a wolverine taking its vengeance on all the other woodland creatures.
253a. To be included in this is pornography (furry, bondage, animated, or *shudder* other).
253b. Even if they like it.
253c. And warn them away from Japanese hentai. In big red letters. Twenty feet tall. Seriously.

254. There will be no showing of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy EVER on Antallos!!

255. Whoever altered Comstar's HPG to make all audio transmissions sound like Shodan will receive a commendation - as soon as they also reset the settings for our base's com-systems as well.

256. No you may not attempt to emulate a Jackie Chan stunt with a battlemech equipped with jumpjets. Or a Battlemech without jumpjets.

257. NO MECH SIZED CHAINSAW-NUNCHUCKS!
257a. Same goes for the Mech Sized SwordChucks.

258. We know you're proud of your 'mech. We understand that you're impressed by its weapons. However, it's important to remember that you are NOT "Heavy Weapons Guy" and your 'mech is NOT "Sasha." So please refrain from introducing yourself under that alias. Thank you.

259. The jury is still out on distributing copies of the Tiberium Sun univers games. Remeber that we do not want them to think that Tiberium Earth is our own.
259a. What? C-Earth doesn't want to convince Comstar that they're a world dying of a Von Neuman replicator plague that will eventually take care of itself so that Comstar doesn't have to lift a finger?

260. Games Workshop is still bitchy about their intelectuaral property so no mentioning Astartes to the spheroids.

261. Looking for Group is included in the list of things we aren't allowed to share with the spheroids.
261a. Specially Richard's Music number

262. Psych Ops may not be referred to as 'Minmei Attacks'

263. During a simulation, or reality, a so-called 'Daedalus Attack' maneuver will be your final desperation move. If it is done at any time prior to this in a simulation, I will fail you. If you try it in reality at any time prior to utter desperation, I will instruct the crew to shoot you.

264. Never refer to the captain as 'Fleet Command' or as 'Kiithsa S'jet'. Even if S'jet is her last name.
(Reality check: I know a Karen(!!) who's maiden last name is S'jet and was born a good 10 years prior to the game coming out)

265. Don't spook Comstar by showing them clips from the 'Future War' scenes in Terminator II and saying "We're working on those".
265a. We also can't tell them it's a historical drama.
265b. No, we don't care how hilarious their reactions are!

267. I am not the Goddamn Batman. Neither are you.
267a. SpecOps personnel on the other hand...

268. There is no such thing as a Morphball Mode for Battlemechs, nor should you attempt it.

269. Painting of the SRMs to look like Budweiser cans is frowned upon. Pick an actual good tasting beer.
269a. Always remembering that there ARE no good tasting beers made in the USA. Go German brewed. Or Irish. Even, god forbid, English. Paint appropriately,therefore.
269b. Ignore the last moron, he full of shit. You just have to know where to look.
269c. All the beer in the USA is imported.
269d. IDK, the Bud we have in Germany is definitely palatable.
269e. If you want to taste a really shitty beer, go buy Oettinger when you visit Germany. :X

270 I will not yell "BOOM HEADSHOT", over the open channel, every time I kill a mech with a hit in the cokpit.

271. I am not allowed to make fried chicken by PPCing Jade Falcon infantry.
271a. Everyone knows its Fried Turkey

272. GDI forces do not use the Superperforator and you may not advertise it.
272a. Nor may you use any other excuse to make your mech tapdance.

273. You are not to fabricate custom MLRS warheads yourself.
273a. Could the person who made the napalm warhead please report to his CO. The engineering

team from the manufacturer wants the blueprints.
273b: There is however no call for an MRE payload warhead at this time.
273c: Only because bio-weapons are against both BT and C-Earth laws of warfare.
273d: You mean chemical weapons, right? No way those things can be classified as biological.

274. Please remember the limitations of your ship's KF drive when traveling in space, it's maximum range is thirty light-years and it can not be activated inside a gravity well. At least for now, says the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in a recent statement.
274a. Never let it be said that MIT people can't laugh maniacally with the best of them.

275. In BattleTech We Use The Metric System!
275a. The cost of reimbursing the local businesses for their losses is coming out of my pay.

276. We are not naming a battlemech after Chuck Norris.
276a. Too late.
276b. Welding a mass of steel wool below the cockpit of your mech in an attempt to claim that you are Chuck Norris will result in this command sending a message about it to the real Chuck Norris. What happens to you after that is your own damn fault.
276c. Any medical expenses you incur after Mr. Norris "talks" to you are coming out of your

own pocket. Remember that.
276d. Actually, what happens when you try to weld a mass of steel wool is your own damn fault.
276e. Messy?
276f Addendum: Steel wool BURNS! And it can actually self-ignite when wet. Have a look on youtube for people playing with it.
And then have a guess what happens when you bring a welding flame near it.
276g. No, Chuck Norris didn't cause the ISOT event by round house kicking the universe and making our old universe run away.
276h. He just glared at the BT book until it became reality so he could practice his evolution on Hunter's Paradise.
276i. I thought he wanted to develop an anti mech roundhorse

277. REAL MacGuyvers don't weld. They duct tape!

278. The GDI Foreign Legion is prohibeted from talking in bad French accents. Come on people you sound like the actors in Monty Pyhton and the Holy Grail.

279. The GDI Foreign Legion will have to talk to the French Foreign Legion about wether or not they may wear Le Kepi Blanc.

280. I will not expose Comstar to Warhammer 40,000 especially not the Adeptus Mechanicus.
280a. on pain of death. Come on folks we've been over this, DON'T give the toaster worshipers even more ideas.

281: No we are not giving your cat a spacesuit
281a: Or feline power armor
281b: Using THE POWER OF CUTENESS is NOT a valid strategy
281c: Even if it worked perfectly during the test on your own CO.

282. No Talkie Toasters.
282a. That's what you think.
282b. Would anybody like any toast?

283: Defictionalization isn't just a trope, it's a way of life.
283a: Then where's my Holodeck?
283b: We're working on it. However, GDI HIGHCOM thought that (surprise, surprise) developing an ion cannon satellite was a higher priority, instead deciding just to send the G.D.S. Sandiego to steal one from an old SLDF training base somewhere, maybe the whole base as well.

284. I am not allowed to say any of the following after activating my mech: "I'm the Juggernaught!", "Avatar ready!", or "Redemption is at hand!"
284a. What about "Kane Lives in Death"?
284b. Screaming "Behold the Technology of PEACE!" while in battle is likewise right out.
284c. Addendum, Actually Peace though Power was Okeyed a few rules ago
284d. So is playing Hellmarch 1 or 2 over the loudspeakers just after landing.
284e. Anyone who yells "Kane LIVES!" during a morale concert involving Joseph Kucan without his permission or request will be shot.

285. No Red Dawn references anywhere the Clans might hear.
285a. Not around C* either, just in case that theory about them absorbing the Wolverines happens to be true.
285b. not even if we omit the ' Name' ?
285c. In the same vein we ought to avoid Marvel pushing their junk in the IS.

286. I will not play the Space Marine anthem from DOW2 over the loudspeakers.

287. Clan Wolf and the Wolfs Dragoons are not Space wolves wannabeees.

288. To preserve our pilots' sanity, the Blue Danube Waltz will be played only ONCE per trans-Lunar shuttle flight
288a. Likewise, to preserve pilot sanity, Gun's & Roses 'Cats in the Cradle' will NOT be played on trans-Lunar shuttle flights
288b. Monolith spottings, unless accompanied by hard physical evidence, will result in the offending pilots being turfed from the flight rotations...
288c. Same goes for playing Thus spoke Zarathustra each time you see a sunrise in space
288d. I am not allowed to build Onix Monoliths for other to find neither in the moon nor in the Jovian or Saturn orbits.
288e. I am not allowed to build Monoliths, period.
288f. Constructing steel copies of a Monolith in public parks in Seattle is also something that is officially discouraged. However, if you manage it a second time (and you know who you are), we'll buy you a twelve-pack - just tell us how the hell you managed it the first time.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1100524.stm

289. Any and all copies of 'Hanse Davion Superstud' are banned from ever leaving Earth.
289a. That means 'The Golden Dong of Hanse Davion' and 'Hanse Davion vs Kurita Naked Ninja Superbabes' are also banned.
289b. Seriously people, just because there's a porn actor that looks like the man doesn't mean you have to deliberately try to gross out and piss off any IS power.
289c. Except the Capellans, because everybody does it. :P

290. You may not challenge a Kurtian Samurai to a duel 'to the pain'.
290a. No challenges to a 'battle of wits' either.
290b. No mentioning in melee mech combat "I am not left handed".

291. Stop claiming your weapons are designed by Reed Richards.
291a. Or our mechs designs are from Tony Stark or Morgenroete, Incorporated
291b. Our battle armor is not made by Sylvia Stingray.
291c. Anaheim Electronics did not design the GM.
291d. The PA(L) design from Japan does have Sylvia Stingray's signature on it although.
291e. The Japanese PA on the other hand has the signature of Masamune Shirow on it.
291f. However Bandai & Sunrise formed a mechanical division, paired with Mitsubishi, afterwards due to this oversight.

292. The GDI Foreign Legion will NOT be reffered to as "The Brotherhood of NOD"

293. The GDI uniform is not black suits with white shirts, black ties, black hats and shades..
293a. Unless your a spook
292b. Neither are you on a mission from god, thats for the CO and unit Chaplain to decide
293c. I don't care if the GDI anthem is 'battle hymn of the republic'
293d. Your mech does not have "cop shocks, cop legs, cop brakes, and a cop engine."

294. Once and for all - and this ruling is final - references to fiction are now strictly

forbidden.
294a. Even Especially if said fiction is now reality.

295. May not antagonize the Lyrans by saying things like "I will now take my little mech and march up and down the muddy field" with an atrocious German accent.
295a. Referring to Lyrans as the "Goddamned Krauts" is strictly verboten.

296. No, we are not the Men in Black, we do not have memory blanking technology- although the cars that transform into limited jump capability rocket powered deathtraps are under testing. No, you may not request one. This means you, Isamu Dyson.

297. Operation Tomb Raider agents are no prohibited from playing the Lupin the Third theme on band three during retrieval ops.
297a. Carmen Sandiego is not your CO.
297b. Only because we DON'T want to get caught!

298. Operation Phantom Snowflake agents are to double the watch on the recovered feline test subjects- engineering has caught them sleeping on the jump housing five times this week, with no indication of how they got out.
298a. All cats can walk through walls. Robert Heinlein documents this. They enjoy messing with their human's heads this way. 'Nuff said. Get used to it.
298b. Stop trying to get them to transform into catgirls, they can't.
298c. Yet! We just need to find a mad scientist that likes to be called Little Washu.
298d. Seeking for Washuu is prohibited. Because if you'll succeed... IT'S BAD AS IT IS, PEOPLE!
298e. Seeking for any other gods and/or higher beings is also prohibited.
298f. Except Athena/Minerva. A level-headed, mostly, goddess of war and wisdom/knowledge would be nice to have on our side. We'd politely ask if she'd like to run Lockheed Martin and or Boeing's defense division.
298g. Forget it. She have *moods*. And if her pantheon follows her...
298h. While a titan, Prometheus is also okeyed. Remember folks he is the one who introduced us to fire .

299. Operation Ghost Dagger agents are expressly prohibited from leaving sensor simulations running when they go off shift, especially when said simulations are between their own meager force and a full Clan Galaxy.

300. You are not Leonidas and THIS. IS. NOT. SPARTA.
300a. Partial exception from this rule exists for the GDI Hellenic Brigade, which has Molon Labe as it's offical moto. (IRL currently held by the Greek First Army Corps)
300b. Violators of this rule will be 'handled' by the Hellenistic Brigade.

301. Three-hundred and one rules added to this manual in less then a month. It's official, the Global Defense Initiative is the forth craziest military force in the entire multi-verse. I hate you all.
301a. But we love you.

302. No more references to the Cthulu Mythos, or any possible Star Gods that await sleeping, for anyone unfortunate enough to be on a ship that misjumps. Children are annoying enough onboard. Screaming in primal terror children as we perform a jump is even more of an annoyance.
302a. Mentioning of the meme Z?????A????L???G??¸¸?O???!??? ??H???E????? ???C?O???M????E?????S??!???? is NOT to be done on the GDI server. Or to flash on every display screen two seconds prior to a jump.
302b. And anyone caught reading aloud from any of Olaf Stapledon's novels before a jump, particularly Star Maker, WILL have to scrub the hull. By hand. DURING a jump. Without benefit of an environment suit. Are we clear on this, people? Just say NO to eldritch horrors.
302c. So no exposing the Spheroids to Chtulhutech and claiming it has already happened?
302d. Do you want them to try to invent Eldritch technologies?! Let sleeping terrors lie.

303. The JumpShip is not named Event Horizon.
303a. Those video clips are not appropriate recruit Jump training materials.

304. Earth does not have a "Mechwarrior Breeding Program."
304a. The Clans' program does not work that way.
304b. Nor are Jenna Jameson, Asia Carrera, or Traci Lords part of the "breeding pool for Mechwarriors." Nice try, boys. Wishful thinking, but still a nice try.
304c. Earth is not fielding 'New Types', 'Coordinators', or 'Innovators/Innovates' as genetically superior 'super pilots'.
304d. Please stop claiming that Sally and Jack Ryan Jr. are early examples, either naturally occurring or from a program.
304e. Seriously, Dansel is bad enough when Sally is mentioned, having any Sphere Intelligence Agents checking him out as 'prime breeding material for the next generation of GDI Mechwarriors' is driving the poor guy spare. Even more so than usual.

305. I will NOT claim my mech is powered by 'Protoculture', derived from the 'Invid Flower of Life'
305a. Nor will I import the Ghost Orchid off C-Earth and claim it is the aforementioned 'Flower of Life'
305b. I will not import the Ghost Orchid off C-Earth, PERIOD. Botanical societies would hunt me down for being an orchid thief.
305c. ...Not unless my claim is officially sanctioned to screw with Spheroid minds, and I have a writ of amnesty from at least three conservation groups

306. Urbanmechs are NOT RVs. I will obey the Park Rangers and take it back out of Yellowstone National Park
306a. ANY Battlemech is not an RV and are not allowed in National or State Parks outside combat situations...that applies to the rest of my Lance I brought along on my camping trip
306b. Bears raiding the campsite garbage does NOT count as a combat situation.
306c. The exception is anti-poaching patrol in the African Reserves
306d. Or HERDING elephants and rhinos in the African reserves. (What? It's a valid wildlife husbandry method... and for once, you don't have to worry about the big bastards getting uppity.)

307. I don't care if your commanding officer says its real GDI does not have a Nonconventional Operations Directorate and if anybody else suggests its formation is going to be handed over to the spooks for their own nonconventional operations with you.

308. No more painting up your mech after your favorite soccer/football/hockey team and parking it near the stadium. Nor is using said mech as your own personal booth to avoid paying entry.

309. Next person who borrows a heatsink to supercool his computer will be forced to clean out the next batch of heatsinks from Antallos by hand.

310. Yes painting your mechs as zombies is a great psychological deterrent. Yes it did scare those pirates long enough to surround them. But getting into hand to hand combat and tearing apart their mechs by hand is too much.

311. Mech-sized bagpipes have never been and will never be issued.
311a. Except to the scottish regiment.

312. GDI is not going to supply Evangelions to any unit.
312a. The one that the Japanese have built is only a PR gimmick.
312b. Please do stop using the "official Nerv letterhead" for communication with any IS faction.

313. Yes. They are a United States Marines. Yes. They are in Space. This does not make them "Spehss Mahrines!" and I must stop addressing them as such.
313a: If I say "Metal bawxes!" one more time, I end up in one.
313b: 'Stehl Rain' will result in me being fired admist the arty barrage. Out of a mech-a-pult. Without a mech.

314. I will not mention the most excellent and perfect game Paranoia , to Comstar. Nor will I talk about friend computer.

315. Nor am I allowed to disseminate freeware copies of Singularity.

316. Or Defcon.

317. Or the History Channel's "predictions" of future technology.

318. We will NOT be Zaboni'ing the surface of Europa for a 'World 'Mech Hockey League' rink...
318a. Quit bothering the Canadians; they're getting angry...
318b....that they didn't think of the idea first...
318c. Or rather, that any more talk of this issue might get the auditors to look a little closer at where the money's going and discover the one they've already built.
318d. Actually we are angry that our request for a Mech Curling League got rejected. The hockey league was a fall back request.

319. I will not quote from the second Star Trek movie in the presence of a clanner
319a. Or the Star Trek episode Space Seed
319b. Nor will I mention Corinthian Leather
319c. We will NOT refer to them as Coordinators.

320. Remember, we're an international organization, and that means we have to answer to more then one tax agency. So please, keep any theoretical "mischief" to a metaphorical minimum at bases on planet. Off-world personnel are to remember that we are ambassadors of our planet, and that getting caught by the media in a compromising position is a bad idea.

321. Please remember that all pranking of Comstar personnel is to be non-lethal and semi-harmless.
321a. However, those gadgets that make annoying, cricket-like sounds at random intervals and are nearly impossible to find can be found on sale at the post exchange. No using them on your commanding officers, though.
321b. Oops too late. Poor Dansel.

322. No pimping and painting my mech so it looks like it's been looted by Orks
322a. Or posessed by Chaos

323. This list is not to be shown to any BT personal not in our service

324. Not letting the Japanese design any more uniforms for the GDI.
324a. Nor the Germans.
324b. Actually, both design remarkably sensible uniforms when you get down to it. The problems arise from their designing of pilot interface equipment, and even that's usually sensible in a serious setting.
324c. GDI is only concerned with functional equipment at this point in time- if they want to work on the aesthetics on their spare time after the functionality is achieved, more power to them.
324d. That doesn't mean we have to like it.
324e. No, but you try piloting a heat-heavy design without a cooling suit and then see how much you dislike the aesthetics.
324f. For that matter, just think- we could be starting an entire wave of spheroid fashion. Just imagine all those female pilots wearing TEST pattern cooling suits!
324g. Man's got a point!

325. The MARINES went looking for Dragons. This does not mean you get to go looking for Dragons.
325a. Scribbling 'Here be Dragons' over the Draconis Combine on the IS Atlas in the Mess was an act of vandalism and not a particularly original one at that.

326. Do NOT walk up to, poke, or stand around any suspicious egg-like objects found on an extraterrestrial planet or other body
326a. That's what Wheelbarrow drones with flamers are meant for...
326b. Anybody found planting giant painted styrofoam eggs for the newbie teams to find, or found possessing a 'facegripper ' applique/mask, will be treated to the attentions of a Wheelbarrow drone with a flamer.
326c. If you think we're kidding, ask the last guy who pulled this stunt on the GDI Marines...once he's released from the Burn ICU...

327. Yes, your mech has an incendiary weapon. No, there is no Redline and we do not "burn our own" too hold it.

328. The next mech co-pilot to tell his pilot to "drive forward" because "I want too hit them with my sword" will be dishonourably discharged.
328a. Even if they have an actual sword with them or on the mech.

329. Not allowed to call Elementals Space Marines.
329a. Nor am I allowed to hold "Elemental Tossing" contests, competitively or recreationally.
329b. No wrapping them in foil and muzzle loading them into captial scale rail guns either.
329c. Even if they asked for it. Boarding actions are to be done with assault shuttles and sanctioned EVA gear.

330. The ilKhan is not a 'God-Emperor'.

331. Nor are there Traitor Legions.
331a. We will not mention the Wolverines, the Widowmakers, or Clan Mongoose. Despite the obvious comparison.

332. While Kamikaze attacks are strictly forbidden, it is understood that occasionally one might find oneself in an unwinnable situation, and be forced to take drastic measures. HOWEVER, this does not preclude the declaration of 'Alright you alien bastards!' and 'HELLO BOYS, I'M BA-AAACK!' as you ram your way through the descending dropship's open bay firing all weapons.

333. Just because you share a name with a fictional character does not give you licence to constantly act like them

334. GO! AQUARION! is not the proper response when my ASF/LAM comes under heavy fire and we are suggested to retreat.

335. We are not the Extra-Terrestrial Combat Unit although we technically are doing extraterrestrial combat operations

336. In the thirty-first century, there is only war.
336a. Not allowed to say that. Ever. Period.
336b. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'. (Ripped straight from the original)

337. Not allowed to nickname the HMG issued to me 'Chant of Victory'. (Any DoW2 players around here?)

338. When on guard duty you are not to plan pranks that involve high explosives.
338a. In fact, don't plan pranks that involve high explosives, ever.
338b.. ... or play 'unplanned' pranks that involve high explosives.

339. I will not create facebook profiles for any prominent political figures from the Inner Sphere.

340. Not allowed to classify Yaoi Fangirls as WMD's.
340a. They are not radiation shielding.
340b. Nor are they free fall bombs.
340c. Even if we wish they were.
340d. To whoever classified them as 'target drone, human emulation', nice try.

341. The first person to quote Chuck Norris Facts to Spheroids will clean all the toilets in the barracks with their own toothbrush.
341a. The first one to do this to Clanners will clean the toilets of all barracks on Antallos.
341b. YES. With their own toothbrush.
341c. Unless the Clanners were actually stupid enough to waste resources trying to breed a Chuck Norris lookalike.
341d. Should they succeed, Chuck Norris will find you and round house kick you to Strata Mechty to tell him how the weather is.

342. I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts.
342a. Not even if I can prove I bought a franchise.

343. The "This is my rifle, this is my gun..." line, and the matching motions accompanying it, will NOT be performed by a pilot while inside his 'Mech.

344. Never attempt to emulate Gunnery Sergeant Hartman or R. Lee Ermey if you're not a Marine, and we will not be held accountable for anything they do in response.
344a. Any Marine, of any Nationality is considered a 'Marine'. Remember that.

345. Iron Maiden is not the patron saint for all female mechwarriors.
345a. Neither is Black Sabbath's 'Iron Man' the anthem for all male mechwarriors.

346. Battlemech Sumo wrestling is not approved.

347. No attempts at 'bunny hopping' techniques with jumpjet equipped mechs are allowed. 'Mechs don't have hit boxes people!
347a. No Rocket Jumps either.

348. Wet Navy ships are not stepping stones, and it might irritate their crew if I say they are.

349. Not allowed to mount any LAM in a submarine ballistic missile tube.
349a. Even if they did it in anime.

350. I am no longer permitted to launch tanks from the experimental magnetic catapult aboard the Constellation.

351. For future reference, all AI's do not have to be female, spunky, sassy, scientific, or blue. They can be anyone they want to be, because their physical manifestation will be a hologram.
351a. Yes, that includes being a spider tank.
351b. No Purple Dinosaurs. The last person to try is still missing and we won`t be spending any time looking for them either.

352. MAC guns will not be operational for some time. No, we do not know how long, and no, you can not use them to create "most righteous waves" either. What are you, crazy?
352a. No, that was not a trick question.

353. No, the R&D department doesn't know how plasma weapons work either, so stop asking for turbolasers, plasma torpedoes, blasters, or "tingly shower heads." Ewwww . . .

354. The cats we've found on columbus are (not only) sentient and a good deal smarter then a normal cat. You are not to launch them from "cat-a-pult", to attack the heads of enemy mechs, without their explicit permission.
354a. If do you launch them, do not make any refrence to the samurai pizza cats. The cats will skin you alive and we won't help you.
354b. And no naming any of them "Garfield." They're dangerous enough already, dammit! DON'T GIVE THEM ANY IDEAS! (Or lasagna.)
354c. (No Josie & the Pussycats references either. We REALLY don't need them thinking along those lines either...)
354d. (And for crap's sake, keep them away from any references concerning anime catgirls. We would prefer that humans remain at least nominally in charge of Earth.)
354e. The object that coincidentally looks like a "cat-a-pult" down in the ships Cat Country was not built by any of us and is to be left alone. The last engineer to try and take a look woke up with a mouse head on his pillow. Let's take it as the warning was meant to be taken.
354f. The names Bill and Heathclifff are also right out. Also do NOT let the felines see I can has cheezeburger.com, the TV Show Red Dwarf, or the movie Cats vs Dogs.
354g. The musical "Cats" is banned from being shown on board.
354h. There is no such thing as Caturday.
354i. For God's sake, keep them off the Internet!
354j. They do, however, like Thundercats. "Thundercats ho!" is an acceptable battlecry when launching them.
354k. Any/All Columbus cat breeds are not to be allowed access to 4chan, especially during any discussions of 'Ceiling Cat', 'Longcat', or 'Tacgnol'.

355. Would the pilot and/or maintenance crew on the modified Panther with the hologram emitters please report to the R&D department? We'd like to know how you created the Divine Buster and Starlight Breaker 'magic circles' in conjunction with the PPC firing. Also Seven Arcs is offering you either a job, or to sue you if you do it again.
355a. Same for whoever modified the Awesome to perform something that looks like the Goldion Hammer manuever.

356. Any and all works of Masamune Shirow are strictly prohibited from being shown to any off-world personnel, civilian, government, military, or other. Anyone found talking to Comstar personnel of any level, while in possession of any of Shirow's works, even if not on their person, will be immediately handed over to the intelligence division for 'briefing' reasons.

357. No, cheezburgers are not the main diet of Columbus cats.
357a. It seems however that John Spartans 'head-cat' Anna does like cheeseburgers...

358. I said it before, and I'll say it again. The cats are not people smart. They're cat-smart. They'll look at all that strange human media and come to the immediate conclusion of "What strange ideas the upwalkers have of us"
358a. Tell that to Carl. He got mauled by them for calling em stupid...
358b. That's what you say. I caught that black one, with the single white "sock", reading my copy of 'Return of the King' and a tabby eyeing 'The Silmarillion'. I'm also missing my Thundercats DVD box.

359. No more pranks with the 'mech cockpit airbag activation thresholds

360. No painting, or installing replica, buttocks on battlemechs for the purpose of 'mooning' the opposition...any offenders will find their own buttocks thoroughly kicked.

361. You may not paint your Dragon battlemech olive drap and have the PA system rigged to play the Gojira roar. This is NOT a joke people.

362. Mocking the enemy in Klingon is discouraged. Some Spheroids keep spreading the rumour that we are aliens bent on conquering the Inner Sphere and your not helping any.
362a. Quenya and Sindarin however seem to get you free drinks and intellectual fangirls at the pub.
362b. It is reluctantly admitted that mechwarriors who can speak conversational Klingon have a slight advantage on the battlefield, as no one knows what the hell they're saying to each other, and eavesdropping is (mostly) useless against them. But your non-geek commanding officers find it annoying. Knock It Off.
362c. Speaking Baronh will not only get you the intellectual fangirls, but also is a fairly good battle language. If you're going to use it however, its up to YOU to train everyone else in the battalion how to speak it, and we will be writing up a class training schedule for you to follow. And you will either follow it religiously AND do your pre-existing duties as well, or you will stop using Baronh.

363. Anybody who talks of performing genocide on the Colombus Cat's under the pretenses of 'not letting the alien suffer to live' deserves what's coming too them 100%.
363a. No, that is not heresy. GDI is completely none-religous.
363b. It is strongly discouraged to speak about sacrificing blood for the blood god. Neither is sacrificing skulls for the skull throne encouraged.
363c. And no, it is NOT for the greater good.
363d. Er, actually, y'know, it, er, like, kind of is...?
363e. No WAAAAAAGH!!! for y00!

364. Painting erotic/cheesecake nose art on your mech or aerospacecraft of fictional characters is strictly prohibited, depending on the source material.
364a. Hey, we shadowy rule-makers can be cool too, right? . . . Right?

365. Whoever is giving out the Coordinates to the Pokegirl World, stop it already
365a. Maybe it was a good idea, and yes we know how much stuff you got from all the pirates, but the problem are our recruits that have grown up with it.
365b. And the little punks want to send a retrieval expedition - with pokeballs.

366. You may not request a "red pill" during combat. There is no "red pill" it doesnt exist and even if they did we would deny they exist.

367. DELETED

368. Only authorised personell may add to this list.

369. The song "Jews in Space" is banned from GDI ships.
369a. Unless your ship is from Israel, and the crew is all Jewish.

370. No, you are not [REDACTED]

371. I am no longer allowed to hide all the cutlery in order to tell the recruits "There are no spoons!"

372. [REDACTED]

373. Remember, if anyone asks how we got our technology you are to reply simply with, "Lostech."
373a. Remember, any unexplainable phenomenon to BT residents, from light-weight armor and laser guided bombs to artificial gravity and teleporters, can be explained with "lostech." Try not to over do it.
373b. Sightings of odd looking flying craft are either Swamp Gas, or a planet in system with high albedo, SPACE ALIENS, or a Flock of native birds.

374. These are not the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
374a. Even if your jumpship is the Enterprise.
374b. It will be a five year mission, though, if you keep pushing it.
374c. It's continuing mission, to seek out new women, and xxxxxxxxxxxxxx just you try it!
374d. No, its captain's name is NOT Kirk. Anyone who says otherwise will be subject to entirely unfortunate and accidental spacing en route to our destination.
374e. Yes, the captain is bald. No, he is not Jean Luc Picard and you are not allowed to call him that. Ever! Same penalties apply as in rule 374d.

375. The thirty-six Battlemechs making up our battalion, doing the Macarena, are NOT what the Brass wants to see during a parade field march. No matter HOW well timed it was.
375a. Same applies with a Conga Line
375b. GMs are NOT designed to to YMCA. Any damage done to your GM by doing this WILL have the repairs billed to your personal account.
375c. Haruhi dance is allowed, if only because both animation studios (Sunrise & Kyoto Animation) were so thrilled by video once it got posted, that they offered to do the Block II graphics upgrades for free. But, if Gunnery Sergeant McKinrow catches any of you practicing it, there will be hell to pay.
375c1. God, why did I have to look for that?
375d. The Blue Oyster Bar tango is strictly prohibited. DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.
375e. What about the Caramell dance?
375f. THAT'S EVEN WORSE!
375g. NO MEMETIC MUTATIONS! We do not want to open that can of worms. Yet.
375e. And under absolutely no circumstances are you to include GM sized 'cosplay' outfits/paintjobs to make it 'more authentic'.

376. You are NOT to use the KHA~~~~~~~~~~~N! shtick whenever a Clan Khan pisses you off.
376a: Chainswords will not to be standard issue for Battlearmor.
376b. Nor for mechs either.

377. Do not check the Columbus Cats for extra limbs or thumbs. This is not a Weber Universe.
377a. If they had them, they would've taken over the Inner Sphere by now.
377b. If they had, how could we tell the difference?

378. Do not ask a Nova Cat about next weeks lottery numbers.
378a. Or a Columbus Cat.
378b. They might answer.
378c. They might answer as well.

379. Yes, targeting a jumpship's main engines is the best way to disable it as you knock out its reactors. However you do NOT refer to it as it's "Thermal Exhaust Port" no matter how accurate that term might be. And no, we don't have proton torpedoes either.

380. Coming onto base extremely early from a field exercise, driving a flatbed that is carrying one or more mechs, and answering the gate guard's challenge with "These are not the Mechs you're looking for. Move along." will now be considered authorization for them to shoot you.

381. Whoever showed that picture of kung fu cat to Patch, step forward now and you'll ONLY get a week in the brig.

382. Whose bright idea was it to send Brox that DVD of MTV's YO MAMA for his birthday?

383. The following movies have been added to the 'Don't show Comstar or the Clans' list: "I,Robot", "Short Circuit" (1 and 2), "The Starwars Prequel trilogy".

384. Showing Brox, at the start of a weekend of shore-leave that usually ends with him in a bender, the Conan The Barbarian movie, was, in retrospect, a very bad idea. As a 'friendly' reminder to those of you still in the infirmary, be glad he wasn't an Elemental pheontype.

385. When R&D puts a SeAL, Green Beret, SAS, Spetsnaz, and a Mossad agent together to help design a SpecOps light power armor, whoever makes cracks about the Goddamn Batman deserves what's coming to them. Even Dansel isn't stupid enough to tempt Murphy that much.

386. As a side-issue to #385, who the hell painted a Joker mask onto the Atlas, and changed it's loudspeaker to sound like his laugh? The Brigadier General would like a word with you.

387. "You are not Superman. Marines, Mech-Jocks and Fighter pilots take note."

388. Mechwarriors are reminded GDI personnal are to wear issued uniforms or authorised alternatives. Swim wear, bikinis, mankinis etc, Cosplay outfits (including "plug suits") are not authorised.

389. What is canon and what isn't canon is still vary much up to debate (as evidenced by the Great Wolverine/Kurita Food Fight of '07 and the Tabletop/PC Throw-down of '06), but one thing has risen to consensus in the intel community over this issue: we are not going to let the Word of Blake collect all five data cores, and we most certainly are not going to let them create the Eldritch Abomination version of an Atlas.
389a. Because if anyone is going to invent an Game Breaker for a mech it's going to be us.

390. At no point in time, if you are piloting a Hatchetman, will your strength make your enemy cry.

391. The Brox-Dansel incident is never to be spoken of. EVER AGAIN.

392. The Commando on the Empire State Building? Cute. NOW GET IT BACK OFF.

393. We are not the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne and our representative in the area is not Jame Retief.
393a. Too late and too late.
393b. Nor is our resident military Attache Dominic Flandry.

394. Just because deep space S&R missions carry nukes does not permit me to yell 'NUKE THEM UNTIL THEY GIVE UP!' every time we run into Comstar Explorer Corps ships.
394a. Even if it is accurate.

395. I will not cause every hpg station to retransmit Caramell Danses throughout the Inner Sphere.
395a. Again.

396. Even if you've managed to get your mech's experimental plasma-cutter sword working, your attacks with it are still not to be called 'your ultimate 100% sure-kill attack!' or any variation thereof. Especially when broadcasting over an open frequency.

397. Requesting mech scale weaponry based upon any of these is now banned due to the R&D department e-mail being overwhelmed: Doom series, Quake series, Unreal Tournament series, Gears of War series, God of War, Bioshock, Mass Effect, Deus Ex Machina, RIFTs, Star Wars, Star Trek.
397a. The Spartan Laser System is already under mid-term development. Be Patient, and STFU while R&D gets it done.

398. Who's the wise guy who caused the Cracker incident in Port Krin?

399. Going skyclad into battle is not authorised either.

400. No, the Columbus Cats will not be available for a life action remake of the movie Felidae.

401. We are not planet Zi, we do not have Planet Zi, and we aren't about to field an army of (mostly) quadripedial semi-sentient mechs.
401a. No playing with the Spheroids by telling them about the Liger. Nor do we have an uber stealth zoid called the Shadow Fox.
401b. I repeat, GDI does not field a Shadow Fox. Any evidence to the contrary is a trick of bored soldiers.
401c. Of course they'd say that if they DID have Shadow Foxes...

402. No, we are not governed by President Sally Ryan. And Dansel is not to be referred to as the "First Squeeze".
402a. Especially not in his presence.

403. "The Cat In The Hat" is NOT appropriate reading for the Columbus cats.
403a. Nor is the 'Puss in Boots' or 'Alice in Wonderland'.

404. I have not "Seen things you people wouldn't believe..."
404a. Or, alternatively, if I have seen things you wouldn't believe, I must take effort to avoid sounding like Roy Batty when informing you of this fact.

405. Next person to quote '2001' while EVA will be seeing stars personally administered by the Captain and Communications Officers.
405a. Shipboard computers are NOT to be named 'HAL'
405b. ...nor will they be programmed to sing 'Daisy'....
405c. ....or read lips....
405d. They will not be named EDDIE either.
405e. Or SHODAN
405f. Even if you've already named your personal laptop SHODAN.
405g. While naming netbooks and PDA's after NICOLE is still permitted, we'd prefer you to avoid all StH references when you're in the presence of IS personnel. Take the hint.
405h. No, not even Holly.
405i. Or GlaDOS.
405j. Friend Computer however is a perfectly acceptable name , friend citizen.
405k. But Cortana is right out.
405l. And no giving it the Boris Karloff skin, either! We don't care if it's off-the-shelf!

406. Last time, Jim Lovell does not look like Tom Hanks.

407. R&D doesn't care how intimidating it is, we are not developing warships that have giant

spiral drills for their engines, ram prows, or anything else drill related!
407a. This means no Drill Missiles either!
407b. [Redacted] DRILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

408. No, Neil Armstrong does not want to be the first man to step on Mars.
408a. But Buzz Aldrin does.
408b. Michael Collins wants in, and says "Buzz can drive the bus this time."

409. GDI is not an organisation of Rogue Traders on a mission for 'Wealth, Glory, and the

God-Emperor'.
409a. And building C-3PO is an offence that will get you keelhauled. Without a spacesuit.
409b. Nor are we Ordos Xenos Inquisitors on a mission of investigation.
409c. On that note, no shouting 'Nobody expects the [title] Inquisition!"
409d. We are not sending a ship to Lambda Scorpii.
409e. We are not building HK-47.

410. The first person to say "Information is Ammunition" gets shot.

411. You not to yell "I am a man!" when punching another mech.

412. I don't care what the book says, a TOWEL is not part of your uniform!
412a. Nor -IS- the towel your uniform....
412b. Unless you're Dansel, and can prove you've just escaped Sally Ryan...
412c. In which case the towel is still not your uniform - it's your BO/SERE kit. Godspeed.

413. When attempting to sell our construction equipment to impoverished colonies, you are NOT to use Benny Benassi's 'Satisfaction' video as part of the sales pitch.
413a. Even if it works?
413b. Nor are you to use the video to try to sell the girls in the video.

414. There are no thermonuclear grenades people. Complaining to Comstar personnel about how the none-existant grenade's blast radius is 'classified' is not helping.
414a. Nor is showing them a regular grenade spraypainted with the nuclear symbol and the sticker WARNING: THROW REALLY HARD while doing the aforementioned complaining.

415. No using of government equipment to look for Nazi's on the dark side of the moon.
415a. We all know the Soviets nuked them to hell in the 70's.
415b. And there will be NO showing of the "Iron Sky" video to ComStar personnel. Dammit, we're trying to discourage ComStar, people!
415c. Do not try to gain entry to a comstar facility to search it for Communists. It does not work. (Besides which, the Communists are now our allies against the Feudal IS hordes.)

416. No turning up to work hungover, in a Comstar uniform even though the base commander did it first.
416a. No turning up to work in the uniform of any other Inner Sphere power.
416b. Whoever managed to get those Wolf Dragoon undergarments please remove them from the base flag immediately.
416c. Clan uniforms are not acceptable either.
416d. Nor are UFP Starfleet uniforms.
416e. In fact, no fictional uniforms are acceptable - if you put half as much effort into your job, you'd have been promoted already.
416f. Turning up in any uniform but the one you've been issued is now an offense punishable by permanent KP duty.
416g. Not allowed to paint my flightsuit orange.
416h. Not allowed to paint it black either.
416i. Showing up in either one of these (a, b) will still result in KP duty, but we'll give you a gold star for your creativity.
(Japanese personnel on assignment to the GDI are exempted from this as the GDI cannot afford a general uprising of the otaku. Just, please... NO primary-colored skin-tight spandex and matching themed motorcycle helmets. Say no to sentai. Thank you.)
416j. We are organizing a Cosplay Ball, but you may not invite IS officials under the pretence of it being a formal ball with representatives of the GDI member states and allies.
416k. In fact, you may not invite IS officials at all.
416l. No, you cannot come to work wearing brown coveralls.
416m. Even if there really is an unlicensed nuclear accellerator strapped to your back.

417. No, I am not a member of Rogue Squadron. Nor is the Force strong in me.
417a. Nor am I member of any other colour-coded squadron.
417b. In fact, if I insist I am, I will not be part of any squadron anymore, colour-coded or otherwise.

418. Rage's Straight To Hell is not GDI's anthem and will not be played on any diplomatic contact with IS officials.
418a. Neither is it appropriate to play John Williams' Imperial March
418b. That includes all cover versions, dammit!

419. Wacko, Yakko, and Dot will not be making a come-back episode just to have Wacko sing "All the planets of the Inner Sphere" like he did with the nations of the world. Stop asking Spielberg.
419a. Nor will there be a return of the 'Great Wakkorotti'.
419b. Then again, there might be. We don't know, we're not mind readers. If we were mind readers (which we're not) we'd use our powers for more important things, like getting Comstar to surrender, or causing the Great Houses to attack Comstar, or any number of other things that are detrimental to Comstar's health.

420. While Campbell Lane has been hired to narrate GDI the TV series, that does not mean he is the official narrator for GDI itself.
420a. Even if he is.

421: Hovertanks are NOT toys. That means that giant air hockey game you had planned is CANCELED, maggots!

422. Encounter reports concerning House Liao and the Capellan Confederation are not to be filed under "Big Trouble in Little China".
422a. Nor are you Jack Burton.
422b. Should we encounter them, 'Lo Pan' is an acceptable codename for their commanding officer though.

423. We are not going to make a nuclear bazooka as a mech weapon.
423a. Those mech sized chainsaws are for the Combat Engineer GMs to clear old growth forests. You will ruin them if you try and cut armor plate with one, and the CO will not save your ass when the Engineers come to take the replacement cost out of your hide.
423b. Trifle not with the Engineer, for they are subtle and inventive in their revenge.
423c. We're not bringing back the Davy Crockett, either.

424. Your Large laser or PPC is not your boomstick.

425.You can't load your AC with a massive ball of heavy chain.
425a. We don't care it looked cool on Mythbusters.
425b. Why not? we still use grapeshot, ah, canister rather, why not bring that golden oldie? besides Chainshot could be as devastating to a mech as it was to a mast.
425c. -honestly, this one might actually be worth a thought-

426. No, you will not take a Columbus cat, shave a crescent shaped patch of fur from his/her forehead, name him/her Luna and give him/her to your sister/girlfriend who is a Sailor Moon Fan.
426a. Unless the cat thinks it's a good joke too. So far, none have thought it a good joke.
426b. Punishment for attempting it without permission is whatever the cat deems fit.
426c. Neither is shaving one and calling it 'Mr Bigglesworth'.

427. You are not a Clanner. Stop talking like one.
427a. And if you are going to talk like a Clanner, drop the contractions. - Brox

428. The Russian members of the GDI are NOT to be referred to as Commissars, nor are the troops from Germany to be referred to as the Death Korps of Krieg.
428a. FYI, there is NO governmental institution in Germany that tells its people to dress like the SS did. It may also turn out to be quite hazardous to one's health to suggest the opposite.
428a2. Clarification - We didn't order them to. They did it anyways as a publicity stunt with Games Workshop. It didn't end well.
428b. Even if they dress like it.
428c. No, we will not authorize any newly formed unit to have the name 'Death Korps of Krieg' either. Nor can you request any existing unit to have its name changed to that either.
428d. Yes, the Death Korps of Krieg would make a good name for a band. No, you're not allowed to post a want ad for a drummer on the battalion notice board.

429. Dance Contests, Boardgames (especially mech scale wizard chess), World of Warcraft are not appropriate for Batchall.
429a. Please note the above are examples and not a complete list.
429b. We MIGHT allow balloons and blunderbuses as long as they're stationed over a sewage farm, just for snits & giggles...
429c. No, we're not allowing balloons and blunderbuses either. The French Air Force contingent is now banned from making any more contributions to this listuntil they prove they aren't do anything else like that previous rule...
429d. This was already on the list.
429e. Who cares?
429f. see 433.
429g. And it should be notes that there is no such thing as Mech Dance Fighting.
429h. Calling your barracks band 'Vinny and the Doombats' is permitted, however.

430. Do not play computer games in your mech. Solitare could lead to Solitary.

431. If you can remember even a significant chunk of the above list, you have no life.
431a. Hell, I have no life and I can't do this!

432. Going into crazed hour long rant about fictional topics is generally ill-advised. Especially since there's a good possibility once fictional topics are now factual.
432a. Anyone caught starting a riot in this way will spend two months in the Cooler, without television.
432b. And we're not digging around Giza or McMurdo looking for a 'round metal ring'. Just...no.
432c. We don't care that Dr. McKay really is working on the dropships!

433. You can not use the 'Power of Rock' to 'Melt the Face' off of your enemies.
433a. May not challenge enemies to a 'Rock Off'.
433b. The only 'Metal' to be used in combat is your issued arms, armour and vehicle, if any.
433c. You may use Metal for the purposes of raising morale, but only if you are the commander of the Vic, the owner of the stereo, or you have the explicit permission from either of these.
433d. 433c does not give you permission to blast Death Metal over the base PA because you hooked your stereo into it.

434. Painting a peace sign around the coolant ejecton port on your mech and venting during a training exercise right near the peace activists is not an expression of your right to free speech.

435. Yes there are women in those suits of power armour, not they are not fembots and can't resist you. Unless you are Danzel, may god have mercy on his soul.

436. Just because we said no painting your mech does not mean you can requistion a set of mech scale underwear with the British flag on it.

437. A bright orange uniform does not make you a ninja.
437a. Or dressing in all black.
437b. Or all white.
437b1. Especially not all white. Comstar takes offense and we don't want to antagonize them needlessly. Yet.
437b2. Don't insult the Ninja by comparing them to Comstar. We've still got a missing Corporal who last made that mistake.

438. Hello kitty is not a suitable logo to paint on muntions .

439. Anyone who adds to the list is NOT to skip over numbers. You know who you are, you fuckers. Don't do it again.
439a. Nor are you supposed to use "Invisible Ink" when putting new items into place on the list.

440. You will NOT fit a municipal stormdrain/leaf vac to your battlemech for the purpose of 'gopher-sucking' IS infantry or vehicle crews into captivity....no matter how fun it might be
440a. ...Nor are you allowed to keep any IS infantry or vehicle crews already captured through this method as pets...

441. Whoever it was that tricked C* in beliving that there is a Faction here on Earth that is named Nod and Promised them to share the Tech with them when they take over, should hand over all the "donations" from C* and go to GDI Int. for future plans

442. Does anyone have ANY idea what possessed Dansel to do that little stunt involving that mech, God-knows-how-many-bundles of myomer, and those fusion cells?
442a. Beer Pong with a slingshot.
442b. Right, then; no drinking games involving mechs!
442c. No building giant slingshots with your mechs.
442d. And no building giant slingshots for your mechs, either.
442e. In fact, no building giant slingshots at all unless ordered by the base commander personally.

443. No, torpedoes are not supposed to be used against helicopters, AND WHO TOLD DANSEL THAT THEY WERE?
443a. NO, NOT EVEN WHEN IT'S A Mi-24A DERIVATIVE!
443b. If it works, though, you are entitled to giving them the one finger salute and saying "You got FUCKED!"

444. Piping Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' song down to the cell block, on a constant loop, is grounds for court-martial. The charge; inhumane treatment of prisoners.
444a. The Barney song goes without saying!
444b. And Lamp Chop's 'This is the Song that Never Ends'!
444c. In fact, any annoying song, put on loop, piped down to the cell block is grounds for court-martial to be charged with inhumane treatment of prisoners!
444d. Exchanging the prisoner detainment facility for the base administration building does not suddenly make it okay.

445. Not allowed to insinuate that 'with Yakety Sax, even Kentares IV in 2796 would've been funny'.
445a. Especially not around Davion troops.
445b. Stating that there was once upon a time an outbreak of the highly lethal Whitman Fever on the same planet falls under the same regulations.

446. While technically accurate, you are not allowed to introduce yourself as [Rank] [Name] [Surname], DEFENDER OF THE EARTH!
446a. Nor are you allowed to introduce anyone else in such a manner.
446b. Nor pay anyone to follow you around to introduce you, or anyone else, in such a manner.

447. No tea bagging the enemy mechs.
447a. This is real life not an on-line game.

448. You will not try to cover your mech in MRMs for a "Super Destructo Mode".

449. Or to put together several machine guns to make "Chainguns of Doom".

450. Back to Mad is not our theme song.
450a. We don't care what Dansel said.

451. I will not spread rumors that Dansel is seeing Grace Park where Sally Ryan will overhear it.
451a. Nor Tricia Helfer.

452. Anything related to this is NOT a secret project by the GDI to subvert Kuritan schoolgirls by making them lethal weapons in school swimsuits.
452a. Show that to Sally Ryan, and I will have you shot. <Dansel>
452b. Why, oh WHY did I have to click that link?
452c. Not allowed to show this video to Clan Elementals in order to "show them how it's done".

453. Sergeant Keroro is NOT YOUR GOD. He is however the patron (fictional) saint of 'Mechs and Mecha.
453a. Putting two large traffic cones on the cockpit of your mech, painting them black and telling everyone that you are "Astroboy" isn't cool, it's just pathetic and makes you look like a geek. But hey, whatever turns your crank...
453b. All GDI Mech crews are to stop claiming they are so good because "I grew up using mechs to wrangle Kaiju."
453c. JSDF Mechs and pilots are forbidden to have Gojira/Godzilla kill markers on their machines for messing with Spheroid Observers. I don't care Toho used GMs in his latest film and let them be effective.

454. Not allowed to hypothesize that Clan warriors are only that cranky and competitive because they're permanently going through Ketracel White withdrawal.
454a. Neither am I allowed to insinuate that "Victory is Life".
454b. Especially not when Clan personnel may overhear me.
454c. If you must ask, no, this does not apply to Brox. He's our bitch now.
454c1. Er, "vicious Clan marauder".

455. You may not talk about vaguely about Pern within earshot of a marine just to have him try to go to the Rukbat sector to look for dragons.
455a. GDI command is not amused by references to Dahak either. People back home keep asking them to take closer looks at the Moon and we need the space assets doing actually useful work.

456. May not scare Kuritans with tall tales about the exploits of the USMC, ending with the words "today, the Marines are hunting Dragons."
456a. Or any stories about the Colonial Marines and their heroic last stand at the atmosphere processing plants against the Xenomorphs.
456b. Or the Yautja attacks on Central America, Antarctica, Los Angeles and Gunnison, Colorado.
456c. In fact, no mentioning Xenomorphs or Yautja at ALL. We don't need to send the IS into all out panic, folks. It's a nice thought, but counter-productive.

457. Mechs were not originally built to fight a race of giant humanoid aliens called the Zentraedi.
457a. Nor are we to send 'artists vision' of the Zentraedi taken from the relevant fetish sites.

458. We are not all members of an elite Anti-Terrorism force known as G.I. Joe.
458a. Brox is not Snake Eyes.
458b. And Dansel is not Duke.
458c. Yeah Dansel is more like Shipwreck than Duke. Also we lack someone for Covergirl, Scarlet ,and Lady Jay.
458d. If, however, you can find a counterpart for everyone, go for it.

459. Always remember Rule 3. An ordinance technician on a dead run outranks everyone.
459a. Likewise for the nuclear technician running away from the facility.

460. No ending sentences with Kurita or Liao liasons with the word "desu
460a. or the archaic version, 'de gozaru'.

461. Negligent Regicide only counts as Negligent if it was a genuine accident. No planning the deaths of any of the Houselords.
461a. However, if you have a well thought out suggestion, you are welcome to present it to your Intelligence Department Liasion officer.
461b. Negligent Recicide will get you a week away from any explosives. You are also not allowed to sneeze or fart...
461c. 461b only applies if you didn't actually kill the Regent. Actually succeeding to commit NR will get you a lynch mob, a firing squad, exile beyond the periphery (aka Back Home) or an opportunity to partake in a first class C* "witness relocation, protection and re-education program", depending on who gets to you first.

462. The proper way to navigate a mech-obstacle course is not to say "Full Power - TOTAL ANNIHILATION!" and before blasting your way through with a PPC.
462a. If you do so, you will be charged the full-bill for repairing it. Seriously people, these things are expensive.

463. Requisitioning several laser equipped UCAVs and finding out a means to mount them on your Battlemech is an ingenious idea. Calling them Funnels, Bits,DRAGOONs, or INCOMs however is not.
463a. Same goes for you ASF pilots that strapped UCAVs under their wings and called them Options.
463b. I checked with our Japanese liason. Its 'Funnels', and that's final. The 2-star happens to have been a fan from way back, calls them that, and if you want to argue, its your funeral.
463b1. Of course they ain't INCOMs cause they ain't wired.
463b2. They ain't bits cause they ain't got their own reactors... It'd be a Remote controlled ASF
463b3. Ultra-light chassis plus a fusion reactor + Small laser = Bit. Although we're still negotiating for the names as the test engineers refuse to call them anything else, and the same for the personnel in the field. Unlike then, they're UCAVs.
463c. Yes your TAG equipped UCAV lets you fire on targets from extreme long range but stealing a C3 slave and mounting it on another UCAV just so you can see the enemy faces when they are hit by your Harpoons is a great idea. Next time just request one instead of ripping it of Dansel's mech. We don't like explaining to Sally Ryan why he turned off his transponder and hid in Port Krin when he discovered the C3 hookup was gone.
463d. No more mounting Davy Crockett mockups on UCAV's in order to get the brass to give you a real one. Its a nice idea which GDI Intelligence has now requistioned and is now destroying all the equipment you used to create it.

464. May not refer to Clanners as "Tribals".

465. Not allowed to make any more Mongol jokes and/or references when it comes to the Clans. No matter how funny they are, or how it shows how much of a hypocrite they are.
465a. specially because it shows how hypocrite they are.
465b. and we really don't want em wising up and applying the Mongol methods.
465c. Seriously people, the last thing we want to be known for is being the guys that created Malvina Hazan a century early.

466. You may not re-stage Monty Python and the Holy Grail in your mechs. Not in its entirety and neither in its parts.
466a. It doesn't matter that you've "found" these mech-sized coconuts.
466b. There is no 'Clan White Rabbit', so stop suggesting to the Clanners that they are advising the GDI.
466c. No 'Clan Black Beast' either.

467. You will NOT attempt to build MechaGodzilla. Any version. Even if Toho Studios is willing to foot the budget. Just... No.

468. Showing the Ring of Fire novels to minor Periphery backwater colonies is fine, they need ideas in how to rebuild. Showing those same RoF novels to any major IS power will result in an unpleasant discussion with GDI Intelligence. Same for the ISOT series.
468a If you show said novels around the Periphery, some Great House agent or another is going to get their hands on a copy sooner or later. The only question is if they know enough to realize that they're more than just fiction.

469. I am only allowed to mail Von Braun Commemorative Statues to Comstar Officials after they figure out we stole the Von Braun.
469a. Having a small voice recording of SHODAN in the base of the statue laughing at their plight is, however, just flat tacky.
469b. So, does that mean we can send a Rickenbacker commemorative statue instead?

470. Ace Combat characters - they are fictional, get over it.
470a. We don't care if you've found a "Demon Lord of the Round Table" for hire on MercNet (or whatever it's called).
470b. Correction: They're fictional so far as anyone knows. But don't be surprised to run into someone using their names.

471. The Science Division did not appreciate the 'Aperture Science: Still Alive' song. Although they did enjoy the cake.
471a. Bulllllllsh*t. Everyone appreciates the Still Alive song. Its just that hearing it in an endless loop is the irritant.

472. Don't play 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra" every time you see a Monolith class jumpship.
472a. For the infantry: if you are boarding a monolith-class jumpship, saying "The monolith! Destroy that and this is over, charge!" is highly inappropriate.

473. Upon arrival within a system shooting out radio drones to spread throughout the system and play the Das Boot theme while you make your way towards the planet is highly inappropriate and not permitted.

474. Whoever decided to rename all references to 'Alpha Strike' in the GDI tactical doctrine documents to 'Death Blossom Mode', we admit you have good taste. Just don't let us catch you doing it again.

475. Even if you and all your lance mates are members of the "Goon Fleet". Painting that silly bee onto your mechs is not permitted.
475a. At least its not as bad some of the other things people wanted on their mechs.

476. Yes, we have hovertanks. No, this does not make you Hammer's Slammers.
476a. It doesn't mean you can go paint the town a nice shade of 'BLAM', either.

477. No, we may not name a captured construction facility the Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance.

478. Humming the theme song to 'Iron Eagle' while on a rescue mission is just tacky.
478a. Even for you, Dansel.

479. We are not making giant shovels for our mechs to use.

480.Spoon is not our battle cry.
480a. No, painting your mech bright blue will not allow you to use 'Spoon' as a battle cry.
480b. If you're going to paint a mech blue and claim to be 'nigh invulnerable', don't do it in a light mech. That's just pathetic.
480b1. If someone plans to do this in a heavy or assault mech, be warned that we already have a long list of volunteers willing to test how 'nigh' your invulnerability really is.

481.Stop repainting your mechs yellow to look like Bruce Lee from the Games of Death or the Bride from Kill Bill.
481a. Seriously it does make you badass.
481a1. It does, however, make you a really big, eye catching target.
481b. Anyone - ANYONE! - who shows "Kill Bill" to any member of the DEST will be shot. Repeated. With mech-scale weapons. NO EXCEPTIONS.

482. You are not permitted to procure and use battlemech scale clothing.
482a. Even dresses.
482b. Especially dresses.

483. You are not Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, and there in fact cannot 'be only one'.

484. Yes, GDI ceremonial uniforms may include ceremonial weaponry- but there is, in fact, a limit on the amount of 'ceremonial' weaponry you can carry.
484a. Your battlemech does not count as ceremonial weaponry.
484b. Dansel does not count as ceremonial weaponry, even if he is a Lady Killer.
484c. For all those 11Ds out there, your battle armor does NOT count as a 'dress uniform'. The CO doesn't care if you got it shined up and had your ranks and medals painted on it.
484d: Sally Ryan not does count as ceremonial weaponry. Although GDI command relises that it may seem that way, seeing as she usually has a death grip on Dansel's arm when in the same city. Note: Trying to 'help' Dansel when Sally is attached to him is not advised. Despite not being ceremonial weaponry, Sally Ryan can be quite deadly when mad.

485. Whoever made Sally Ryan wear that thigh dominatrix outfit as a 'sure way to get Dansel', please report to Jack Ryan. He wants to have a word with you.

486. Please note that the base SF have been instructed to shoot to kill the next person to issue a challenge for "Insult Swordfighting" to any on duty base personell.

487.You are not to claim the Autobots are our allies in front of the IS forces.
487a. Seriously they aren't real and we don't need them fearing their machines will turn into giant robots and shoot them.

488. The Demon Code, in fact, does not cover Rock-Off challenges at all.

489. May not utter, reference or even think about "the purpose of the Ninja" in the suspected presence of a DEST operator.

490. We will not name any place Strong Badia.

491. Brox did not take a vow of silence and he is not a Poopsmith.

492. You can not give a Banshee a giant lead pipe.
492a. Or swordchucks.

493. Love may be the most powerful destructive force in the universe - especially when concentrated into a coherent beam of pure destruction - but until you find a way to do that, you will be happy with your issued PPC and Laser armament.

494. The stone ring that miraciously turned up in the middle of a park in Port Krin is NOT a stargate and tests will not be done to make sure it cannot connect to the one that appeared in Central Park at the same time.
494a. And we're not going to try dialing Atlantis on it, either.

495. By your command is not the right response to any order.
495a. "Make it so" is not the right way to phrase an order, either

496. You are not Rick James.

497. Internet memes are not an approved weapon to use against Comstar.

498. You can not try to build your own rocketpack for your mech.

499. You can not talk in the Batman voice all the time.

500. Don't send the Redneck Dictionary to anyone in the IS.

501. "You might be a Clanner if..." jokes are strictly forbidden.

502. You are not allowed to Rick Roll ComStar.

503. I will not attempt to food poison off-world visitors by taking them to McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Sonic, or any other (fast) food establishment that has a contract with the GDI.
503a. Nor will I attempt to pawn off some of the recipes as biological weapon formulas.

504. Off-duty D&D campaigns are to remain at your duty post, whether on a base, station, or ship. They are not however to be done 'online' via tying up the HPGs. And don't even get us started on you WoW addicts, you won't like the answer.

505. The GDI does not have the means to produce lightsabers. Stop asking for mech sized ones. We can however make plasma lances (DP9) but choose not to considering they're laughably non-practical. Anyone caught telling any IS personnel of that minor fact however will be brig'd.

506. Note to the Combat Engineers - specifically the bridgelayers - if your bridges are not rated to support mechs, it is your responsibility to inform the mech jocks of this beforehand.
506a. You may not get "revenge" on the mechjocks who broke your bridge by "dropping a bridge on them".

507. Not allowed to tell Spheroids that, since we didn't have working mech-scale fusion reactors before the Pirate Invasion, all our homegrown mechs, and fighting vehicles with similar power requirements, use fission plants.
507a. Even Especially if it's true. (Read: Carriers, subs, etc.)
507b. Not allowed to design a mech grade fission powerplant while on duty unless I am a member of a design team assigned to do exactly that.
507b1. Not allowed to request transfer to such a unit before I can provide documentation stating that I am a certified nuclear engineer.
507b2. Verifiable documentation.
507b3. Not allowed to tell IS residents that all of our fission reactors are designed by default to "China Syndrome" if breached. While this might get them to hold their fire during combat, the long term political consequences are problematical

508. No, you will not be allowed to fire the bureaucrats of the next planet that is going to be liberated by GDI.
508a. You only can do that with a rank higher than or equal to Colonel.

509. Our theoretical future space colonies will not be called Sides
509a. or PLANTS
509b. nor will aforementioned colonies be called the Principality of Zeon
509c. or ZAFT, which is the military organization of the PLANTs, bringing us to
500d. the PLANTs

510. One of GDI's member nations is not the Kingdom of Orb
510a. Yet. Future colonies will be named as the colonists choose, after all.
510b. And make your fiction references straight, damn it! It wasn't "kingdom" but something with "Emirates" in name.
510c. You sure I've heard it described as either Kingdom of Orb or the Orb Union
510d. Sure. United Emirates of Orb or Orb Union. Not kingdom. They are oligarchy, not monarchy.
510e. hmm maybe I just have a shoddy dub then... thats probable I suppose

511. Zeon will rise (not again)!

512. The callsigns for GDI pilots cannot be the Red Comet, Crimson Lightning, White Dingoes, Ghost of Solomon, White Wolf, Black Tristars, etc. We lack the money to pay the copyright folks.
512a. What the hell really. That copyright laws should be revised, or sooner or later ALL possible word combinations will be copyrighted. To hell with it.

513. Death from Above is not to be referred as the "Mario Maneuver"
513a. Only if it doesn't involve the ludicrous combination of a jumpjet mech jumping on another mech. If you make it, and successfully pull it off, then, yes it's a Mario Manuver.
513b. NO YOU MAY NOT DO IT! YES, YOU DANSEL!
513c. Even if you did manage to complete the Mario Maneuver and replicate it you cannot paint your mech like Mario.
513d. Dansel, put that green and blue paint down, or you will NEVER EVER pilot a mech again

514. MechWarriors are reminded the terms 'squishy' & 'road kill' are not to be used when referring to friendly infantry personnel.The commanding officer of the infantry is not chief road kill or head squishy.

515. We will not build a railgun that can fire power armors out of it as a means to have a rapid reaction force. Whoever was reading about the Angrymarines - STOP IT.

516. Mech Tasers and/or Harpoon SRMs are NOT to be used in a 'Get Over Here!' maneuver that ends in an uppercut. Or any other melee action.

517. Showing of the Matrix Trilogy (including the Animatrix) will NOT be said to be a historical look at a 'failed' colony world of ours, in order to frighten any of our neighbors. This also falls under the previously listed 'Thou shalt not show Fiction to the Inner Sphere' rule with the same penalties.

518. Just because one of the new ASFs resembles a slightly more smooth version of WC3's Excalibur does NOT mean you are to request a Temblor Bomb. Nor if we ever develop something looking like WC4's Dragon will you request a Flashpak either.
518a. Flashpak rule rescinded, they're working on it as an anti-dropship/jumpship device.

519. Yes, we've got the vibroblades working now. No you may not ask R&D to develop a Guyver suit just to use 'high frequency blades'.

520.Stop 'greeting' the coreward pirate groups by quoting from any of the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za or Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah voice files upon encountering them. Same goes for the Borg's introduction quote.
520a. No matter HOW funny it may be to watch the pirates shit themselves when they see "Locutus of Borg" address them from on screen in full prosthetic makeup...

521. Do not show comstar ANY Borg footage, the MD will just get jealous...
521a. Correction: While they'd be jealous of the tech, they'd laugh their asses off at how it's incompetently deployed.

522. To the clown who suggested having a GM 'Surf' on a LAM... remember you will be cleaning your GM with a toothbrush if you as much as try that. If you don't get yourself and the LAM pilot killed.

523. NO BUMPER STICKERS. Seriously, people. Some, tasteful and approved (subject to interpretation), "nose art" is permissable, but don't go covering your mech with crap like that.
523a. Does this mean the product placement paintjob is also out?
523b: Unless you're on Solaris or in some other sporting event? Yes, yes it does.

524. Just because the Japanese built a Gundam does not mean you can build the MEGAS XLR.
524a. Even if you do you are not allowed to use it in a Solaris match
524b. Especially if you win.
524c. You will tell us how you built a functioning Retcon button. Also, surrender the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Didn't we already go through this? You ARE NOT Optimus Prime, people!
524d: ......... Please tell me that thing didn't come through another ISOT event.... I don't think my mind is going to take much more of this crap.
524e. Nah, the Autobots and Decepticons always existed in the BT universe. Given their multi-million year life spans, disappearing for a thousand years with humans forgetting they ever existed would be like a day off for the TFs.

525. The monolith wasn't funny. So why do you think the blue police box would be? We don't know how you got it out here, we don't care, just make it go away.

526. I don't care if it works, you are redesigning the thing until it doesn't look like a DALEK.

527. You are not a sovereign nation and your chief exports are not pain and suffering, so stop telling people this.

528. Stop telling Spheroid snoops about Doctor Noh.
528a. I don't care if Doctor Noh has 'nuclear arms'. That joke was funny once.
528b. Doctor Noh does not have a megaton punch ...
528c. ... and he couldn't beat Chuck Norris while designing a more efficient fusion engine.
528d. *sigh* No, you may not tell them about Doctor Tran either.
528e. No, you do not have a Ph.D in kicking ass.
528f. Dansel, STOP. No. Just... no. There Will Be No Scholarships. The School, In Fact, Does Not Exist and You Will Not Be Its Teacher. This also applies to anyone out there who may be a physicist and named "Freeman". Dr. Ray is content with being a mech designer, do you hear me? Content. HAPPY, even. You will not tempt the wrath of his poofy 80's hair.
528g. The canonically verifiable fact that NAIS has Dr. B(uckaroo) Banzai does not bode well.

529. Guys, we talked about going too far before and what exactly constitutes "too far." Convincing Comstar and various IS intelligence agencies that there are hidden messages within SWAP.avi falls within that category too.

530. You are not permitted to tell people that "there are those who believe life began out here".
530a. Sending the Draconis Combine on a wild goose chase for a "rag-tag fugitive fleet" is forbidden, as well.
530b. Primarily because - considering all the other wacky crap we've found so far - of what would happen if they were to actually find it.

531. Your mech's weapon is not your Boomstick.

532. You may not get Sally Ryan to wear a cheerleader's outfit, and you may not tell Dansel he has to save her to save the world.

533. Yes, the White Devil works for us now. It's a complicated issue of honor with the Combine. Having her assassinated would actually impugn the honor of their Coordinator, so as long as she isn't made to face regular DCMS in open combat, we're golden. This doesn't apply to Solaris, where she is actually honor-bound to stomp them into the dirt whenever and as often as possible. Suffice it to say, that whatever further weirdness this leads; just remember that we are GDI, NOT NERV, don't do anything that would make our mascots unhappy.
533a. The restrictions don't apply to the Davions. Yes, the White Devil now has the Shooting Star with her. It should be obvious by now. YOU ARE NOT TO ATTEMPT to 'befriend' entire enemy lances!
533b. How about planets? Technically we did 'befriend' Antallos. Making friends in a whole new universe is how we're doing so well so far.
533c. Fine. But we are NOT 'befriending' the entire Inner Sphere, unless you mean it in a completely non-ironic manner.
533d. With WarShips?
533e. Yes.

534. We are intentionally allowing mixing up references between the real and the fictional to mess up the intelligence gathering of potentially hostile powers. However, this is getting way out of hand. Yes, we DO have a JumpShip on call named the INVERSE and its owner is named Lina. You WILL NOT allow her to buy nukes. No matter how much she begs or bribes or blackmails you. Yes, we have the White Devil. No, she will not meet Dansel, Phelan Kell, Jaime Wolf, Dr. Ray, or Mr. Norris in an awesome-off. The Mario Brothers will not be allowed to meet Princess Peach. These things are happening, but we will not ENCOURAGE them. The universe is messing with us, but we will not play to its whims. Do you really want to deal with this universe's equivalent to Xellos, Joker, or Megatron? This is why we are avoiding any references to Warhammer40k, Lovecraft, or Star Wars. We do not want to encounter Chaos, Elder Things, or the unholy terror that are Ewoks.
534a. Sources have confirmed that there IS a minor Lyran house with its heir as Hyatt Aegami. Yes, her household guards are named Wolkenritter. Yes, for a collection of implausible reasons they are now equipped with the GM IIs the Lyran Commonwealth bought off the market. You will not place bets nor nudge things that they are 'befriended' faster. Butterflies, people! Just because something is similar to what you've already seen is no reason to believe it will turn out as like canon. Trying to ensure it happens might prevent it from happening at all! We also do not wish a war, economic or otherwise, with the Lyrans.
534b. And now it appears they have become mercenaries for some reason. The HLA do not, repeat, do not refer to Hyatti's Lesbian Army.
534c. Yes, we know how to build externalized weapon systems. Yes, the RH long cannon is a PPC on a stick. Adding a Plasma Lance to the end of the Bardiche for a 'Scythe form' was within tolerances. Who is diverting supplies to make a Zanbar form? What did I just say? Stop wasting resources, stop encouraging this deviance!
534d. "I AM THE SWORD THE CLEAVES EVIL!" shall never again be uttered inside a mech weapons lab, or anywhere even close to it. 'Close' being defined as within ten kilometers.
534e. Or on a telephone line to said lab.

535. Be reminded that Emeraldas is not actually Queen of anything.

536. Any and all members of the GDI who encounter, on any worlds in or outside of the IS, a Miskatonic Univerisity are reminded that rule one is "Pillage, then burn". We do not want to destroy, nor even damage, the possibly only source for our salvation against the [REDACTED].

537. RAM THEM UNTIL THEY GIVE UP is not a valid AeroSpace Operations tactic.
537a. It is in fact not a valid tactic at any time.
537b. Except in a select few, very rare and specific, instances when no other, better, option remains.

538. The GDI is not Dansels fanclub and I should not try to convince Cranston Snord (nor anyone else for that matter) that this is fact

539. You may not sell reservation tickets to the Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.

540. Equipping your mech with a seige crossbow will not be allowed.

541. You can not play "pimp my ride" with a Mechbuster jet.

542. Even if it would be cool and awesome. GDI will not lend a Mech and a Mechbuster jet to the Mythbusters.
542a. not even if we get them to join GDI?
542b. Especially not if we get them to join GDI. You want to be responsible for Jamie playing with sensitive equipment and killing himself?
542c: More along the lines of 'let us not let them reject our reality and substitute their own. THEY are engineers, and relatively safe, (They do understand the concept of workplace safety, though they don't always apply it). It's the part where they start to break the fabric of space time down that we're worried about. The last mech they got their hands on was painted red, went fastah, and we're not talking about what happened to range 97 on an open anything.
542d: We're not talking about it, for the last time, for the sake of all that is human.

543. You are not Professor Tor Coolguy.

544. Nor are you Perfect Tommy. Or any other member of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, for that matter. It would raise FAR too damn many questions in a certain office on the NAIS campus...

545. If you hire an IS maintenance tech named Tim Taylor, you -deserve- whatever fate has in store for you. If you attempt to fob him off to the rest of the battalion, I will have you shot.
545a. And if he brings a radio-controlled helicopter to work, RUN. NOW. WHILE IT'S MERELY TOO LATE.

546. Ghille Suits do not come in 'Mech sizes.
546a. Yet.

547. Just because a Ghost Bear light mech was thrown on top of a Clan quad mech by Dansel, does not give you the right to start spouting off about Bear Cavalry. The same goes for anyone chucking any mech on top of any Diamond Shark mechs and mentioning shark cavalry. Anyone attempting to combine the two will be given a medal for valor, and then permanently removed from the combat roster.

548: Just because you jump over a Diamond Shark mech does not mean that you have jumped the shark. Quit acting like that Dansel. Sheesh.

549. WWDD - What Would Dansel Do - is forbidden in thought, speech or merchandise.

550. The answer to WWDD is not Sally Ryan.
550a: The correct answer to WWDD is run away from Sally Ryan if at all possible

[Panaka]

551: Anybody named Gendo Ikari is to be shot on sight. We're not taking chances.

551A: Shinji Ikari (the previously mentioned Gendo's son) is to be escorted to the nearest hospital for a spine transplant.

551B: Should a redhead female of about 14 or 15 that answers to "Asuka" be around escort her to the hospital as well. She'll need anger management classes. The use of tazers is authorized.

552: Will the person who created the "satellite cannon" and the Mech known as "Double X" please report to his CO. R&D, Bandai and the owners of the relestate you blew up want a chat.

552A: Firing the main weapons of the Mech named "Double X" now requires authorization of the NCA. Don't even think about it Dansel or I'll let Sally know where you are.

[The Bushranger]

553. Cranston Snord does not have an 'additional' or 'real first' name of Lamont, nor does he have 'the power to cloud the minds of men'. Stop telling people this.

[Rodon]

Originally Posted by Panaka

551: Anybody named Gendo Ikari is to be shot on sight. We're not taking chances.

551A: Shinji Ikari (the previously mentioned Gendo's son) is to be escorted to the nearest hospital for a spine transplant.

551B: Should a redhead female of about 14 or 15 that answers to "Asuka" be around escort her to the hospital as well. She'll need anger management classes. The use of tazers is authorized.

551C: We already as a Rei cosplayer from Japan, don't annoy her, she may bring about Third Impact.

551D: Ritsuko Akagi is a member of GDI's research division, she has had enough jokes about her fictional character, and if someone else mentions it again. They will be her new experimental subject for mecha size rectal examination.

[EdBecerra]

Originally Posted by The Bushranger

553. Cranston Snord does not have an 'additional' or 'real first' name of Lamont, nor does he have 'the power to cloud the minds of men'. Stop telling people this.

553a. Just because he may have come from a Clan with extreme mystical tendencies and an unhealthy obsession with secrets of the past is not a reason to insist that he trained with Tibetan priests, either. So kindly stop trying to introduce him to the Dalai Lama.

[Panaka]

554: Melissa Steiner and Sally Ryan are not to be left alone together. Results of such an event occurring are rated on the same level as "Armageddon", "The Third Impact" or any other extinction level event.

554a: Dansel is not to be told about the crush. We've got enough trouble with him when somebody mentions Sally Ryan.

[JonBerry]

554b: Any attempts to divert Melissa Steiner's attentions to Jack Ryan jr will be met with by President Ryan having a private 'word' with you.

[Panaka]

Originally Posted by JonBerry

554b: Any attempts to divert Melissa Steiner's attentions to Jack Ryan jr will be met with by President Ryan having a private 'word' with you.

554c: If that doesn't discourage you, be prepared for a second talk. This time with Mr John Clark and Domingo Chavez. Whatever the outcome, there won't be a third talk.

[Jonen C]

555. To whoever put up the 'A Modest Proposal: How we shall use Dansels rugged MANly charm to unify they Inner Sphere' and the attached love dodecahedron chart on the Port Krin public infosphere: Pray to die of natural causes.

[Imperator Pax]

I'm so gonna catch flak for this
Rule 556 Stop talking about Dansel it was funny the first few times now its just annoying wank
556a punishment is summary execution via, yes you guessed it a five five six to the back of the head yes it was a bad pun
really its gotten very annoying

[Panaka]

556b: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is a possible alternative.

[Zelinko]

557. The Zaku is NOT to under any circumstances kick the Gundam. You WILL pay for damages if you do.

[mkire]

558 Refrain from referring to the video-game Bioshock as an interactive-documentary about how one brave person discovered the secret, WORKING, mind-control programs put in place by the US government within hearing range of non-GDI personnel. Would You Kindly?

[Barricade]

558a. Considering that we have already run into fictional characters (considering we're living in a fictional universe now) and then fictional characters from universes OUTSIDE of the Battletech universe, it will now be considered mandatory to check on all brainwashing schemes possible that might have been deployed in other universes, such as Bioshock's "Would you Kindly?".

[dylanredefined]

Originally Posted by Panaka

551: Anybody named Gendo Ikari is to be shot on sight. We're not taking chances.

551A: Shinji Ikari (the previously mentioned Gendo's son) is to be escorted to the nearest hospital for a spine transplant.

551B: Should a redhead female of about 14 or 15 that answers to "Asuka" be around escort her to the hospital as well. She'll need anger management classes. The use of tazers is authorized.

552: Will the person who created the "satellite cannon" and the Mech known as "Double X" please report to his CO. R&D, Bandai and the owners of the relestate you blew up want a chat.

552A: Firing the main weapons of the Mech named "Double X" now requires authorization of the NCA. Don't even think about it Dansel or I'll let Sally know where you are.

551c
There may be serving with GDI a Sgt S.Ikari we can neither confirm or deny
it .He is nothing like the anime character and comparisons are not to be made to his face as he hates it,Has a remarkable short fuse and a black belt in karate.
We need our mech warriors on duty not in the stockade.
That's if he was a serving mech warrior which we can neither confirm or deny.

[Richardson]

Originally Posted by panaka

556b: he-who-must-not-be-named is a possible alternative.

556c: rejected!

[Chaos Blade]

Originally Posted by mkire

558 Refrain from referring to the video-game Bioshock as an interactive-documentary about how one brave person discovered the secret, WORKING, mind-control programs put in place by the US government within hearing range of non-GDI personnel. Would You Kindly?

558a. This applies also to using System Shock as horror story of our AI research.

558b. 'Remember Citadel' is not an approved Graffiti.

558c. There are no Approved graffiti.

[Panaka]

Originally Posted by dylanredefined

551c
There may be serving with GDI a Sgt S.Ikari we can neither confirm or deny
it .He is nothing like the anime character and comparisons are not to be made to his face as he hates it,Has a remarkable short fuse and a black belt in karate.
We need our mech warriors on duty not in the stockade.
That's if he was a serving mech warrior which we can neither confirm or deny.

551f: rule 551 in general only counts for people from the BT universe. People from CEarth with those names are to be left alone.

[Jonen C]

559. The GDI is not the SLDF's SCA gone rogue and returned to the Inner Sphere and I must not insinuate to Spheroids that this is fact.
559a. Dressing up as a Roman Legionnaire falls under earlier rules against cosplaying.