Xander's Mecenaries (BtVS/Schlock Mercenaries)

[Dave Lister]

I am posting this here with the permission of the original author, I didn't write it don't praise me.

This is also a straight Cut and paste so don't harange me on spelling.

Something I thought Might amuse!

Disclaimer: Don't own any of it.

Xander Mercenary Pt 01

Halloween, 1997
Ethan Rayne's Costume shop

Xander growled as a kid grabbed the last toy gun from
the bargain bin. "Oh great, there goes my costume."

As he looked through store trying to find something
suitable, he noticed the owner of the store speaking
angrily into the phone.

"Listen, you bloody poof. I'm not paying for these
costumes." The owner was yelling into the phone.
"Why? You bloody well sent me damaged goods, that's
why!"

Sensing the possibility of a bargain, Xander eased
over to take a look at the costumes in question. A
ripped up pile of cloth that Xander first took for a
large pile of animal waste sat next to a very
familiar looking toy gun. The second costume
consisted of a pair of military boots, a badly
stained orange velour shirt with gold trim, a set of
grey slacks and some shiny futuristic doodads.

Thinking it over, Xander figured he could probably
use an off color Startrek shirt he owned to replace
the ruined one. Making his decision, he walked over
to the owner and started talking.

"Uh, I couldn't help over-hearing your problem."
Xander began, "I was just wondering, are those what I
think they are?"

"A Captain Kaff Tagon costume and a Sergeant Schlock
costume." The Owner replied, "Both ruined. I don't
even know who these ponces are."

"Yeah, I noticed." Xander nodded then he started his
pitch. "Look, I was going to just buy a toy gun and
go as a soldier but I think I might be able to patch
something together with some things I have at home.
I don't have all that much money though."

"You can have the bloody things." The Owner dumped
the packages on the counter. "I don't ever want to
see them again."

Xander didn't question his good luck, he simply
grabbed the costumes and started to leave. He got
about halfway to the door when the owner called him
back. "Young man! Hold on a moment!"

"I knew it was too good to be true." Xander thought
as he turned around.

"You left this behind." The shop owner handed Xander
a small round device.

"What's that?"

"According the box, it's... A miniature direct holo
line to the 'Post-Dated Check Loan'? What in hell?"

As the Shop Owner stared incredulously at Xander, the
teenager tried to explain. "Yeah, the PDCL also known
as Petey is name of the ship that... Oh never mind,
it would take to long to explain."

"I see," The Shop owner sighed, "Americans. Well
have a happy Halloween."

*****************************************************

As Ethan Rayne finished the spell, something went
wrong. Too much power was being focused through the
bust, draining Ethan totally. The drain was so
significant that Janus actually noticed the spell.
He turned his attention to that particular dimension
in time to see something truly confounding.

Out in space, just beyond the orbit of Jupiter a ship
appeared. Vaguely crescent shaped with four large
rectangular bays, two on each side of the crescent,
drifted along. Inside a very confused AI was
dedicating enormous amounts of processing power to
understand what just happened.

"Whoa!" The AI, Petey as he was known to his crew,
did a quick scan of space and came to several
shocking conclusions. One, he was now positioned
somewhere over Europa instead of being parked in
orbit over Tokyo 3; two, his entire crew was missing
and the only signal detectable belonged to Captain
Tagon; three, Captain Tagon was currently on Earth.
And finally the most shocking conclusion, based on
all starcharts, and planetary evidence, it was now
sometime in the later 20th or 21st century.

"Temporal dislocation is the only remote possible,"
Petey took the AI equivalent of several decades
trying to determine the physics involved. Thirty
real seconds later, Petey decided the math was
possible but so unlikely as to reach the point of
absurdity.

"Would you like to know what's going, little
machine?" A voice sounded from nowhere.

"I didn't hear that." Petey shunted the memory into
the repression command given him by Captain Tagon.

"Oh for the creator's sake." A glowing form appeared
in front of the holographic representation of the AI.
"My name is Janus, search your databases for Terran
Myths."

"Hmm..." Petey frowned, "That doesn't make sense."

"Look," Janus frowned, "I really don't have time for
this. I'll be brief and let you work the math out
later. You weren't just dislocated temporally, you
were dislocated dimensionally as well."

"I'm not sure that the math for that..."

"Oh for..." Janus send a surge of magic at the AI.
Petey's 'eyes' widened in shock as the spell dumped
information about this Earth and the current
situation into his memory core.

"Whoa!!!" Petey activated his systems at full and
teraported straight to the far-side of the Moon.

Opening a comm. Channel, Petey tried to reach his
Commander.

"Captain Tagon are you there?"

After several seconds, a unfamiliar voice responded,
"Petey is that you?"

*****************************************************

Captain Kaff Tagon did a double take as the wave of
dizziness passed, around him strange small aliens
were running amuck in small primitive town. Reaching
for his Gauss pistol, he discovered Sergeant
Schlock's BH-209 plasma gun there instead. "What's
going on?"

"Xander!" Tagon whirled around, pointing the plasma
gun at the newcomer. The ominous hum of the gun filled
the air. "hmm, Schlock is right, that is a soothing
sound."

"Xander, stop pointing that toy at me!" The newcomer,
a very pretty redhead frowned at him. "Something
weird is going on!"

"I'm sorry, miss but you must have me..." Tagon
stopped as his comm. activated.

"Captain Tagon are you there?"

"Petey is that you?"

"Yes sir," Petey's voice responded, "I'm currently in
a parking orbit on the farside of the moon. "I think
there's something you should know."

"Captain?" Petey asked when he didn't get an
immediate response.

"Um, Xander?" Willow spoke aloud, "Who is that and
why are you doing that weird dance?"

"My name is Petey," Petey manifested himself through
the portable holo. "I'm afraid that's what Captain
Tagon refers to has his 'Happy Dance'."

"You're a fuzzy cute Teddy bear?" Willow asked.

"No, actually, I'm the representation of the AI
controlling the Tauseniggan Battle fortress Post
Dated Check Loan."

"Wait," Willow suddenly remembered those names.
"Those are from the webcomic Shlock Mercenary!"

"That's correct." Petey smiled, "Apparently when your
friend Xander dressed as Captain Tagon, he had a prop
that was supposed to be a direct link to me. Someone
cast a spell that turned everyone into their
costumes."

"And the only way for Xander to have a direct link to
you, was if you existed?"

"I knew you'd be smart enough get it."

"But if everyone has been turned into their costumes,
then... BUFFY!!!"

Captain Tagon watched in shock as the young girl took
of running. "What's going on?"

"Captain, I suggest you accompany her. I'll fill you
in on the way."

"So," Petey asked as Tagon finally caught up with
Willow. "Now do you understand what's going
on?"

"Considering you actually used words of two
syllables or less," Tagon replied, "I think I got it.
So what happens when this 'spell' wears off?"

"I think I get sent back to our home dimension
and you leave that kid's body." Petey told him,
"But there is a small possibility that one or both
of us might get stuck here."

"WHAT!?" Both Willow and Tagon shouted at
the same time.

"It's only a small possibility." Petey replied. "I
don't know for certain what will happen."

"Buffy!" Willow's attention was diverted by the
sight of her friend being menaced by a large furry
creature.

"Let me handle this." Tagon aimed the BH-209 at
the 'demon' and prepared to fire.

"NO!" Willow tried to grab his arm and was
almost as shocked as Tagon when her arm passed
harmlessly through his.

"Whoa, so you're a hologram?" Tagon asked.

"No, I dressed as a ghost." Willow told him.

"A ghost!?" Petey almost cut off his link, then he
remembered what Janus downloaded about the
spell. "You're not a real ghost then?"

"Oh," Tagon wondered what kind of ghost she
could possibly be dressed as. Turning back to
'Buffy', he realized that the alien was now
advancing on him instead. "Okay, Jungleball
rules."

"NO!" Willow didn't know what 'Jungleball
rules' meant but it didn't sound good. "That
might be a kid that was turned into their costume.

"Hmm," Petey had been devoting a part of his
attention to the knowledge dumped into his
memory core by the 'God' Janus. A thorough
analysis dictated several decisions and
conclusions on his part. Only one of which he
shared with his Captain. "Sir, I believe my
sensors are capable of distinguishing an altered
human from a true demon."

"Well... Which is this." Tagon said as he backed
off.

"Human." Petey said without hesitation.

"Darn," Tagon dialed down the power on the
Plasma gun and fired a level one blast at the
ground in front of the demon. Even at level one,
the power of the blast sent a gout of flame
shooting into the air, sending the 'demon' running
in fear.

"I am really starting to see what Schlock likes
about this gun." Tagon grinned. "Okay, first we
need a place to regroup, then we need to find out
who caused this."

Scanning the area, Petey informed them,
"Actually first we need to catch your friend, she's
making good time considering the volume of the
dress she's wearing."

"Of for the love of..." Tagon didn't finish the
sentence as he ran to catch up with the fleeing
girl.

"Miss?" Petey said as they started to follow
Tagon, "I suggest you find your friend, a Mr.
Rupert Giles. Tell him that Ethan Rayne is
behind this."

"Ethan?" Willow easily made the connection
between the shop where she got her costume and
the person responsible. "That... that..."

"Walking dead man?" Petey suggested, "Because,
if Captain Tagon finds him, Ethan Rayne is going
find out what a BH-209 at setting ten feels like."

"How do you know all this anyway?" Willow
asked.

"Oh," Petey smiled, "It seems that the god that the
W.D.M. invoked actually felt the drain from the
spell. It decided to take a look see and found me
sitting in space just past Jupiter. Then he did a
'spell' to dump data straight into my memory
core."

"What? Why?" Willow frowned, "I mean if the
invocation worked, wouldn't the god be pleased
about the outcome?"

"Oh he was," Petey told her. "But there is one
other thing that Ethan Rayne didn't think about.
Chaos never plays favorites."

"Oh." Willow nodded, still not quite getting it.
"I'll go find Giles."

"You do that." Petey again devoted most of 'his'
attention to analyzing the data he received from
Janus.

As Petey caught up with Tagon, he asked. "Sir,
why are you risking your neck for this girl?
Nobody's paying you do this."

"I know," Tagon frowned, "For some reason
though, I really feel protective towards her."

****************************************

"Hello, pretty." Pirate Larry cornered Buffy in the
alleyway as she tried to run past.

"Please..." Lady Elizabeth tried to pull away from
the 'Pirate's' grip.

"The lady asked you nicely." It wasn't the voice
that froze Larry in his tracks, it was the
unmistakable feel of a barrel against the back of
his neck that did that. "Now, my way of asking
you to leave her alone, involves a loud noise and
you whimpering and begging me to stop the pain.
Which do you chose?"

Larry let Lady Elizabeth go and dropped his
cutlass, waiting for the hero behind him to drop
his guard. And as the barrel was removed from
the back of his head, he moved. Spinning in
place, he pulled a pistol from his belt and fired.

Tagon didn't even blink as the primitive black
powder weapon discharged right into his stomach.
The lead ball spattered harmlessly against the
carbonan fullerene armor Tagon was wearing.
The Merc Captain smiled, "Okay, so we do it my
way then?"

"Captain," Petey interrupted, "I think you should
know..."

"He's been altered by the spell." Tagon nodded,
"I already know that, Petey. I'm not completely
ignorant."

"Sorry." Petey actually sounded contrite.

"Don't worry about it," Tagon replied, he
holstered the plasma gun and threw a relatively
hard punch to the Pirate's face. The impact spun
the pirate 180 degrees and dropped him on his
face.

"That felt strangely satisfying."

"Now," Tagon turned to terrified Noblewoman.
"Ma'am, I really suggest you come with me. It'll
be safer."

"I... I..."

"Well, this is fun." A voice from the end of the
alley interrupted them.

Tagon turned to see a bleach blond male
approaching flanked by some of the ugliest
'demons' he'd seen that night.

"You know," the blond grinned, "I was just out
for some smokes when all this 'fun' happened.
And now what do I see? The Slayer acting all
girly and helpless. Even if her nancy boy sidekick
has gotten all manly. This is just too good to be
true."

"Petey?" Tagon asked quietly.

"No humans in this bunch, sir." Petey responded
from behind him.

"The name is Spike." The blond informed Tagon.
"Not Petey, like you bloody well didn't already
know that, Harris."

"The name is Captain Kaff Tagon." Tagon
informed Spike, "Not Harris. And I think I'm
going to have to hurt you now."

"Oh?" Spike stepped forward, "You think you can
take me then?"

"Just out of curiosity," Tagon asked as he closed
with Spike, "Do you know what Carbonan
Fullerene Powered Armor is?"

"What's that?" Spike asked.

"Let me demonstrate." Tagon activated his
armor's helmet, then threw a hard punch. The
kinesthetic boost the armor provided delivered a
blow that literally knocked Spike head over heels.
Sending the clueless vampire backwards out of
the alley.

Tagon went for the Plasma gun as the other
monsters rushed in. Unfortunately for the lead
demon, Tagon managed to get the gun up and
firing just as it reached the mercenary captain.
Fortunately for the remaining demons behind it,
the Plasma gun was still set on setting one and
didn't do much more than burn the lead demon to
a crisp.

As the first demon burned the others closed
quickly on Tagon and one managed to knock the
Plasma gun from his hand. The two biggest
grabbed Tagon as the others clawed and
pummeled at him. As none of the creatures could
apparently penetrate his armor and none of them
were smart enough to grab his Plasma gun, Tagon
simply waited for the right moment to act.

"That's enough!" Spike shouted as he staggered
back into the alley. "I'm going to rip your head
off and drink straight out of the stump for that
one, boy."

Tagon tested the strength of the two demon's
holding him, then grinned under his helmet. "Last
time I asked you a question it didn't work out to
well for you. Ready for another question?"

"You have got to be kidding me." Spike sneered.
"What can you possibly do against two Fyarl
demons?"

"Do you know what a 'Dorothy System' is?"

"No, what the bloody hell is a 'Dorothy
System'?"

"I'll show you." Tagon snapped his heels
together, then kicked his feet to either side of
Spike.

Spike saw Tagon bring his legs up and dropped to
his knees to avoid the kick to face he was
expecting. Luckily for the world, Tagon hadn't
been aiming at Spike's head, so the Molecular
wire held between his two boots went right
through Spike's neck as though it wasn't even
there.

Even as Spike turned to dust, Tagon had his feet
back on the ground, the 'Dorothy System'
deactivated and both Fyarl's in air. With quick
throw, he sent the two demons into the crowd of
monsters still in shock over Spike's sudden
demise.

"Captain?" Petey asked from behind him. "I've
been meaning to ask.

"Yes?"

"Why were you using Sgt. Schlock's gun, when
yours is holstered across your back?"

"Son of a..." Tagon did quick reach behind draw
and pulled his Strohl g/g pistol. His first volley
dropped the front demons in their tracks and
caused the remainder to freeze. "Okay, now
here's the deal. Starting running, or I'm going to
feed all of you a nice order of blam!"

As Tagon blew the head off of another demon, the
remaining creatures decided to be somewhere
else. Almost as one, they turned and ran out of
the alley.

"Thank you, sir." Lady Elizabeth said as Tagon
helped her to her feet.

"Now..." Tagon's voice faded out as a wave of
dizziness passed through him. When the
dizziness passed, Xander Harris looked around in
confusion. "Whoa!"

"I'll see your whoa." Buffy said as she took off
her wig, "And I'll raise you an 'Oh my god that
went beyond weird'!"

"Yeah," Xander nodded. He looked at the now
plastic toy gun in his hand and said, "I really think
we'd better call it a night."

"Oh yeah," Buffy nodded and lead the way back
to her house.

End part 2

Time: Sometime between "Surprise" and
"Innocence".

Xander was lying in bed, worried about Buffy.
None of them had heard from her since she and
Angel went to the docks with the Judge's arm.
Now he was wondering if it was possible for the
Judge become active without its arm. "Damn, no
weapon forged by man? So does that leave?"

As Xander stood up to pace the floor again, a loud
sound, like an aluminum bat being put through a
high speed shredder tore through the room. The
oddly familiar sound froze Xander in his tracks. In
the center of his room a small box appeared, carried
by a sight familiar to Kaff Tagon's memories.
Terrified by the knowledge of just how dangerous
the device was, Xander almost dove out the window
before the Terapedo spoke.

"Could you please read the note, once I'm gone?"

As the terapedo vanished again, Xander picked up
the small electronic notepad. "What the? 'Please
push the red button on the top of the box, then read
the remainder of the note outloud'?"

Xander looked at the box left by the terapedo, on
top was a small red button. Hope warred with
paranoia for several moments. Then, Xander pushed
the button and spoke aloud.

"Attention Postdated Check Loan. As your new
Captain, my first order is that you continue to obey
the first order given to you by former Captain
Tagon."

"Hello, Captain Harris."

"Petey?" Xander found himself doing a very odd
dance. "Wow!"

"Sir?"

"I just found out, I can do the 'Happy Dance'!"
Xander said with a grin, "Hey, Petey. Not that I'm
unhappy to hear from you, but how did you manage
this and why haven't you contacted me before?"

"The how and the why are connected, Captain."

"Oh?"

"When I realized there might be a possibility that
Captain Tagon might be stuck here, I decided to
take measures to insure he'd have backup. To that
end, I scavenged as much material as I could and
mass produced as many fabbers from 'local' items
as possible. At the same time, I also used 'local'
material to produce a Level one AI and did a
memory dump. As soon as it was complete I
teraported the whole package to the asteroid belt.
It's taken me this long to rebuild the ship."

"So you waited till you were fully functional
again?"

"Well." Petey hesitated, "I'm not fully functional
yet. The Main superstructure, weapons and shields
are at 100 percent, but lifesupport, internal
bulkheads, and the docking bays are still being
worked on. I just finished the terapedo bays and
decided to send you a support package."

"Couldn't you have just wired a teraport to the
box?"

"The A.I. on a terapedo is more accurate and can be
recalled if necessary." Petey replied, "Also, In case
the coordinates turned out to be wrong, I can always
remove any trace of the teraport."

"By detonating the terapedo, no doubt." Xander
sighed, "Petey..."

"Just covering the possibilities, Captain." Petey
replied, "I took the liberty of fabbing you a set of
stealth armor and a g/g pistol."

"Look, Petey. Can you fab me up a couple of
Multi-Cannons, anti-tank rounds and a BH-209?"

"Actually, I already have those in stock." Petey
answered, "I'll send them out..."

"Uh, Petey." Xander held up the armor, "Look, I
don't want to sound ungrateful, but is there any way
to make this armor look more like the clothes of this
time period?"

"Well, I have been monitoring almost all of the
communications on your planet. I believe I can
modify the standard armor. Would you like a few
mini-tanks as well?"

"Well..." Xander thought about it, "No, I think
just the plasma gun and the multi-cannons for now."

"Very well, sir. It will take some time to fabricate
armor that can pass for conventional clothing of the
20th century."

"I want you to fab armor for Buffy, Willow, Giles,
Miss Calander and Oz as well."

"Of course, sir." Petey replied. "I have standard
armor that can fit them right now. I'll begin
working on the low profile armor immediately."

"Great, priority to getting the weapons and standard
armor here, asap." Xander order, "Oh, and some
G/g pistols. A couple thousand rounds of both non-
explosive and hi-ex ammo should suffice for now."

"I exist to serve, my Captain."

*****************************************

The Morning after 'Surprise'

"No assembly required," Buffy told them, "He's
active. Nearly killed us. Angel got us out."

"Well," Xander put a metal box on the table, "I've
got an idea on how to stop him."

"Oh?" Giles turned and watched with the others as
Xander opened the box, and pulled out five grey
and blue jumpsuits.

"What are those?" Buffy asked.

"Are those what I think they are?" Willow said at
the same time.

"Carbonan Fullerene Powered armor." Xander nodded
at Willow. "One set for each of you. You should
be able to wear it under slacks and long sleeved
shirts without been very noticeable. Stuff's
pretty much capable of dealing with anything a
demon can dish out, physically anyway, magic
might still be a problem."

"Where did you get that?" Giles asked. "I... I've
never even heard of anything remotely like it."

"From Petey." Xander grinned.

"Wha... what did you just say?" Giles stammered in
shock.

"Wait," Buffy frowned, "I thought you said that
Petey should have disappeared when the spell
ended?"

"He did," Xander explained Petey's apparent return
to their lives.

"What I don't understand, is why Petey did that."
Giles admitted.

"I asked that." Xander told them.

"So why?" Willow asked. "And, can I get a chance
to do a Turing Test on him?"

"Petey'd pass any Turing test you could come up
with, Will." Xander smiled, "As to the why, Petey
calculated that there was a small chance that I'd be
stuck as Kaff Tagon when the spell wore off, and
his loyalty circuits wouldn't let him leave the
Captain high and dry."

"So why...?" Willow's hacker side came out again,
"Because, you're the closest thing to Kaff Tagon in
this universe."

"You got it," Xander nodded.

"So," Buffy picked up one of the suits. "Did Petey
provide any weapons to go with the armor?"

"Well, the armor is practically a weapon in itself."
Xander smiled, "But, I am going to go over with all
of you the proper handling procedures for several of
the weapons we now have available."

"Cool," Buffy smiled. "So how does this 'armor'
work?"

******************************************

Time: Night the same day.

"Where have you been?" Willow asked Angel.

"Out," Angel looked around the darkened hallway.
"What's with the lights?"

"Not sure," Xander told him, "We've got a plan."

"I have news," Angel looked around some more,
"Why don't you get the others."

"Sure," Xander started back to the library. But
before he reached the door, Miss Calander stepped
out. Holding out a cross, she ordered Willow away
from Angel.

"That's not Angel," she told them after Angel
'vamped' out and grabbed Willow in a choke hold.

"You've got that wrong," Angel grinned, "I'm
Angel again. Finally!"

"Will," Xander said in a calm voice, "You
remember what I told you about the suit?"

"Oh..." Willow frowned, then brightened, "OH
YEAH!"

Angel almost let go in shock as blue fabric covered
Willow's head. He tightened his grip and decided
to go for the kill, biting Willow on the neck. A split
second later, he let go of the armored girl and
howled.

"My teef! You broke my teef!"

"No," Xander pulled his g/g pistol out of its hidden
holster. "*You* broke *your* teeth on the armor
Will's wearing."

"Guns can't kill me." Angel sneered through the
pain, "You know that."

"Keeping thinking that, Deadboy." Xander pointed
his gun at Angel. "Say goodbye, Gracie."

Before Xander could actually pull the trigger, Angel
threw Willow at him and ran for the door, right past
an astonished Buffy.

"Dammit!" Xander swore as Angel disappeared
through the doors.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked in shock.

"We've got a problem." Xander told her.

******************************************

Sunnydale Mall

"No weapon forged by man can hurt me." The Blue
demon growled as he pulled the crossbow bolt from
his chest.

Xander grinned, Oz had quickly figured out where
the Judge would strike and now the Scoobies were
about to teach the overgrown Smurf a lesson in
technological advances.

"That was then," Buffy held up her Multi-cannon. A
small red dot appeared on the Judge's chest.

"And this is now." Xander lifted his Multi-
Cannon's barrel until it was pointed right at the Judge.

"What are those?" The Judge asked.

"Guns." Angel replied, "I don't..."

Angel didn't get to say much more, as the hi-ex
rounds from the two cannons introduced him to the
concept of rule 37 of the 'Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Pirates'. The Judge was splattered over a
good 20 feet of the mall. Most of the vampires
behind him were vaporized by the blast, while
Angel and Dru were sent flying in opposite
directions.

Xander tossed Oz his Multi-cannon and pulled out
his g/g pistol. He shouted to Buffy, "You get the
psycho, I've got deadboy!"

"Xander!" Buffy shouted.

Xander paused, even though Angel was still
staggering to his feet. He locked eyes with Buffy
and silently tried to reason with her. Finally, he
said, "He's not Angel anymore, Buffy."

Buffy stared back, chewing her lip. Then nodded,
"Do what you have to do."

Xander nodded back. Turning he saw Angel
limping for one of the doors. "Ah hell."

Chasing the injured vampire down the hallway and
finally fired a round in the wall in front of him.

"You're not going to get away this time, Deadboy."
Xander said as he fired again. This time, the bullet
caught Angel behind the knee, blowing it out and
dropping the vampire to the ground in pain.

"Buffy will never forgive you, if you kill me."
Angel almost begged as he tried to crawl away.

Xander kicked Angel over, and stomped hard on his
chest. Angel cringed as Xander raised the pistol
again. This time aiming straight for his head.

The last thing he heard was, "Yah, but if I let you
live and you hurt one of them, *I* wouldn't forgive
myself."

Curse this character limit!

[Dave Lister]

Graduation Day.

Xander fidgeted for a second with the Graduation
gown. "I still feel stupid wearing this."

"Well," Buffy frowned, "At least it covers the
weapons."

"True," Xander nodded. "So you and your mom are
going to LA for the summer?"

"Yeah," Buffy nodded as she double checked
herself for any obvious signs that they were
packing. "You know, Mom wants you to come
with us."

Xander nodded, Mrs. Summers 'call me Joyce', had
already asked him to accompany them. Ever since
he and Buffy had started going out, she'd
practically adopted him. Thinking about that
caused Xander to go back over the entire year. For
the first couple of weeks after the incident with the
Judge, he and Buffy had danced around each other.
Buffy's heart still a little to raw to face him, while
he just couldn't stand seeing the pain in her eyes
and know that he partly to blame.

Then came the whole problem with Druscilla. The
Psycho Vamp had escaped Buffy and was trying her
best to kill the people that took way her 'daddy'. It
all came to a head when Dru attempted to kill
Buffy's mom. Buffy was forced to the dust a vamp
right in front of Joyce, resulting in a terrific row and
Joyce saying some things that she regretted almost
immediately. By then the damage was done and
Buffy fled the house in tears, determined to finish it
with Druscilla once and for all. A terrified Joyce
contacted Xander, who used Petey to track the Low-
profile P.A. that Buffy was wearing.

Xander sighed at the memory of seeing Buffy
swinging wildly at Druscilla, totally oblivious to the
sheer amount of damage she was causing. Her
attacks were so crazed that she'd actually terrified
the insane vampire back to a sort of state of sanity.
Finally a power-armor assisted punch connected
with Druscilla's head and a cloud of dust marked
her passing. That hadn't been enough for the
distraught Slayer, she'd kept hammering the walls,
crying all the time. When Xander approached her,
she'd collapsed in his arms, crying the whole time.

Things changed between them after that. Xander
spent more time with Buffy than before, which led
to a semi-hostile breakup with Cordelia just before
Summer break. A few days after that, Kendra
showed up back in town to warn them about
Acathla, a demon turned to stone who could suck
the world into a hell dimension. Giles found out
where Acathla was being kept and a quick trip with
a terapedo dropped the Statue into the center of
biggest black-hole Petey could find. As a going
home present, they'd given a trunk full of low-
profile armor cut just to fit her.

Over the summer break, Xander and Willow
worked out a plan for after High School. Willow,
Oz and Petey went over every scrap of technology
in his database and fabbed up several items that
were cutting edge for the 20th century. With the
help of a reputable lawyer Giles dug up, setting up a
new private corporation 'XWB Technologies' was
easy.

The town was quiet for quite a while, at least until
Joyce bought that stupid mask. Thankfully,
Fullerene armor was stain and smell resistant.
Otherwise dealing with all those zombies would
have been a real mess.

Then things had happened one after the other. First,
that idiot Kakistos showed up to 'get the Slayer',
then the brain-dead who decided to be 'Mr. Hyde'.
Then the whole mess with the cursed candy that
brought out the 'Ripper' in G-man. Xander still
shuddered at the image Buffy put in his head over
the G-man and her mom.

"We just need to be lucky one more time." Xander
said out loud. "Like we were against the council."

Buffy sighed about that. The council turned up on
her 18th birthday for their little 'Cruciamentum' test
on her. Giles decided not to go along with the
'obsolete antiquated medieval barbarism', as he
called it, and informed the group the week before
Quentin Travers was supposed to arrive. Xander set
up a little surprise for Travers with aid of Petey.
Two hours after they'd arrived, the state police
smashed in the door of the dilapidated old house
they were using and found the synthetic drugs
Xander had Petey fab and deliver by terapedo.
Even the Watcher's council lawyers couldn't get
Travers and co out that mess.

Two day's later, Willow sent the council an email
detailing both Buffy and Giles' resignations from
the Council along with three pictures. The first
showed an aerial view of main Council
headquarters, the second showed the ancestral home
of the Head of the council and the third showed a
tree less than 200 yards from the ancestral home.
Crosshairs had been placed over each one,
tomorrow's date and time were also stamped on the
picture of the tree. The next day at precisely the
time indicated, Petey fired a low powered railgun
round, totally vaporizing the tree. The Council got
the message rather quickly and rather ungraciously
accepted the resignations.

"We got lucky with O'Toole too." Buffy reminded
him. "If you hadn't gotten into that fight with him
at school, we would never have learned he was a
zombie."

"A psycho zombie at that." Xander nodded. He'd
trailed O'Toole out to a graveyard and caught the
resurrected delinquent trying to raise his 'gang'. An
argument followed by a loud 'blam' ended that
problem. Xander remembered that he'd even
managed to get back to the school in time to use the
BH-209 on the Jhe demons that were trying to open
the Hellmouth.

"And I'd never thought I'd say this, but we got
really lucky with that telewhatis demon."

Xander grinned at her, "Yeah, otherwise you'd
never have figured out how much I still felt about
you."

"I was talking about finding out about Jonathan and
the cook trying to poison everyone and the Mayor
and his ascension plans!" Buffy grinned back, "I
already knew how much you cared about me."

"Oh," Xander smiled remembering that it was right
after he brought the blood back from the second
demon and Giles whipped up the cure for the
uncontrollable mind-reading trick Buffy developed,
that Buffy kissed him for the time.

Buffy giggled for second.

"What?" Xander asked.

"I just remembering our first kiss." Buffy smiled,
"You went white as a sheet and started yelling for
Giles."

"That was soo not my fault." Xander defended
himself. "I thought that cure did something..."

"I know," Buffy grinned. "I was just how flustered
Giles was when you tried to tell him what
happened."

Xander shook his head remembering Buffy telling
him what she found in his head. She'd almost
floored him when she told him she wanted to try to
see if there was any chance for them being together.
That was the beginning of things between them.

"Too bad we couldn't get a teraport on the Mayor,
that would have solved our problems."

"Or at least gotten that box of gravity from him."
Buffy nodded.

"Well." Xander sighed. "Ready, Butch?"

"I was born ready, Sundance." Buffy nodded.

******************************************
**********

"I had this whole bit about civic pride." The Mayor
gasped as his transformation began. "But time's up.
Let's cut straight to the end."

As the Mayor transformed into a giant snake-like
Demon, the Scoobies sprang into action. Buffy and
Xander raised their Multi-Cannons and sprayed
hyper-velocity hi-density slugs called breacher
rounds at the newly ascended Mayor. The demon
recoiled in agony as the breachers ripped into his
body.

At the rear of the graduation group; Willow, Oz,
Giles and Miss Calander drew their ap-100 energy
pistols and set them to the widest possible beam.
The Mayor's vampire minions charged in, only to
be torched by the spray from the four scoobies.
None of them managed to get within even 30 feet of
the graduates.

"Xander, look out!" Buffy yelled as the Mayor
struck at him.

Mayor swallowed Xander, Multi-Cannon and all.
The giant snake reared back to strike again, then
began to shake. Then its head exploded, spraying
gore everywhere. When the remainder of the body
flopped to the ground, a shaken Xander fell out, still
holding his Multi-Cannon. "Well, that was truly
disgusting."

Buffy wiped bits of dead Mayor from her gown, "It
couldn't be as bad as this stuff."

"I was just eaten by a giant snake."

"And you covered us in Mayor goo." Buffy
retorted.

"I still say I got the worst end of the deal."

******************************************
*********

After the fires died down and medics took the few
injured people away. The Scoobies gathered to
watch the remainder of the school slowly crumble.
According to Petey, the breacher rounds used had
blown through the demon and taken out most of the
structural supports of the school.

"Well," Xander smiled, "We did what most kids
just dream of. We totaled our school."

"Take a moment," Oz said. "We survived."

"Yep," Xander nodded, "We beat the Mayor."

"No." Oz shook his head, "We survived High
School."

The others stopped and thought about it. As they
sat there in silence, a small smile appeared on
Xander face.

"And the moment's done." Oz turned.

"Let's get out of here," Buffy agreed, leaning her
head against Xander's shoulder as he led her back
home.

End part 04.

Xander Mercenary-Epilogue

Summer-post graduation

Xander smiled as Willow and Oz took the light
transport back to Earth. Everyone wanted to really
meet Petey, from Miss Calander to Buffy's Mom,
even Giles decided that he would like to meet the
A.I. in person. The only problem was that no one,
not even Xander himself still felt comfortable using
the Teraport device on its own. So he had Petey
build a small light transport that they could ride in
while the teraport did its thing. Surprisingly
enough, having a solid set of walls around you
while being quantumly broken into millions of pieces
actually did make the transit easier.

"Jonathan and Andrew are ready to teraport in, Sir."
Petey informed him.

"Beam them abroad, Scotty." Xander grinned.

Petey rolled his holographic eyes at Xander's joke.
He did have to admit that Xander Harris wasn't as
thick as he acted. Having a Captain that actually
listened as he explained things was refreshing,
having one that got what he said most of the time
was extraordinary.

"Oh this is soo cool!" Jonathan said as he examined
the hangar controls.

"This is way cooler than any of the 'Enterprises',"
Andrew looked like a kid in a candy store. "Puts
the Millennium Falcon to shame too."

"Nothings cooler than Solo's ship!" Jonathan
argued.

"Guys!" Xander broke up the impending argument.
"Why don't you check out the rest of the ship? I've
got some stuff to do."

"Sure," the duo darted for the door as fast as they
could.

Xander sighed, they'd recruited both Andrew and
Jonathan as part of the cover for XWB
Technologies. The duo turned out to actually have
a few really good ideas about the tech XWB was
putting out on the Market. That coupled with the
reputations both Willow and Oz already had led to
several buyout offers from very large corporations.
Giles, acting as the Titular head of the Company,
informed one and all that the company was a private
concern and would remain so, but that they were
willing to offer exclusive long-term licenses on
their designs. The resulting bid stampede almost
and corporate infighting nearly overwhelmed him.

The more Xander the thought about the duo loose
on his ship, the more nervous he became. "Petey, I
want you to deny those to access to the weapons
bay, the armory and especially fire control."

"I'm way ahead of you, Sir." Petey nodded, "I've
already locked those areas down. I also took the
liberty of locking down Sgt. Schlock's room and
Munitions Commander Andreyasn's lab."

"You rebuilt." Xander gaped in shock. "Petey,
please tell me everything in there is stable."

"Define stable." Petey replied.

"As in, not going to blow a significant part of the
ship up in the near future."

"Oh," Petey smiled, "Of course. Everything is
stable."

"Why does that not reassure?" Xander asked.
"Okay, Petey. I want you to encrypt the locks on
those door so only I can access them and then put a
really big 'Danger' sign on the front."

"I'm on it, Sir." Petey nodded, "Did you want to
continue your training in shipboard functions?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "I'll see you on the
Bridge."

Xander went through the tutorial Petey'd setup for
reading the various instruments on the ship. While,
technically anything that could actually disable
Petey would probably cripple the ship, Xander still
wanted to know how to at least give the ship chance
to run. Now all he had to do was figure out what
the hell all the buttons did.

"Sir," Petey's voice interrupted his reverie. "I think
you need to see this."

"What is it?" Xander leaned forward to stare at the
screen in front of him.

"As I told you before," Petey explained, "I've been
monitoring Earth's communication, including the
super-encrypted Military ones. That is a Ha'tak
class cruiser."

"Petey," Xander's eyes widened, "I count at least 15
of them."

"Yes sir." Petey nodded, "I believe this a pre-
emptive strike by a race called the Goauld against
Earth."

"We can take them, right?"

"Well..."

"Petey..." Xander waited.

"I don't actually know." Petey admitted. "I'd have
to go to active scans to determine their abilities."

"That would tip them off to where are." Xander
thought about it, weighing the options. Knowing
that if they didn't stop the Goauld, Earth was in for
a world of hurt. "Okay, warn Jonathon and
Andrew that there might be trouble then, light 'em
up, Petey."

"Yes, sir."

******************************************

Stargate Command.

"Is there anything we can do?" Colonel Jack
O'Neill asked as fleet appeared on the monitor in
front of him.

"Unfortunately, no." Jacob Carter told him, "The
Tokra can't match the sheer number of ships that
are on their way. A few volunteer ships are coming
in to try to slow them down though."

"Thor?" General Hammond asked the Asgard
Supreme Commander, "Can't your people do
something?"

"Unfortunately, General Hammond." The Asgard
looked contrite, "The Asgard cannot muster
sufficient forces to drive *this* fleet away, soon
enough. I have sent for as many ships as possible to
intercept the Goauld before they pass the orbit of
your fourth world."

"But," Thor looked around at SG-1, "I believe the
term O'Neill would use is, 'we are still screwed'."

"That's about right." O'Neill nodded. "So what can
we do?"

"We can try to evacuate as many people as possible
through to other worlds." Daniel suggested, "Or..."

"What about using the Prometheus and the F-302s
to back up the Tokra and the Asgard?" Samantha
Carter asked.

"Even that wouldn't be enough." Selmac took over
to provide the answer, then Jacob finished. "All we
can do is, try to hold the line for a while. Buy us
some time."

"Contact the rest of the Governments in on Stargate
program and prepare for the worst." General
Hammond agreed. "Maybe, if we can hold them
long enough?"

Thor nodded, "If you can hold them long enough,
General Hammond. I can muster enough forces to
drive them off. It would be the least we can do for
you."

"Thank..." O'Neill's reply was cut off by a message
from the Tokra spyship trailing the Goauld.

"Selmac." The Tokra piloting the ship said, "You
need to hear this."

"Attention, Goauld Ha'tak Cruisers. This is
Captain Harris of the Tausennigan Thunderhead
Superfortress 'Post Dated Check Loan'. From
the size of your fleet and the course you are
currently on, I must assume you have hostile
intentions towards the Earth. You will change
course immediately or suffer the consequences."

"The Post dated WHAT!? Who the hell is that?"
Jack O'Neill's eyes widened. "And who the
hell are the Tausennigans?"

"I am not sure," Teal'c replied, "I certainly have
never heard of a Thunderhead Superfortress or a race
known as the Tausennigans."

"Nor have I," Thor agreed. "I *am* curious about the
name of the ship as well."

******************************************

A little earlier.

"I have determined the full capacity of Cruisers
approaching Earth." Petey reported. "They're no
match for me. Also, I believe there is another
vessel shadowing the fleet in stealth mode."

"Interesting," Xander smiled, "one question."

"Yes sir?"

"How many high yield Terapedos do we have?"

"We nearly 300 terapedos currently stockpiled."
Petey grinned, "More than enough."

"Okay," Xander's grin turned wicked, "Open me a
channel to them."

"Open."

"Attention, Goauld Ha'tak Cruisers. This is
Captain Harris of the Tausennigan Thunderhead
Superfortress 'Post Dated Check Loan'. From
the size of your fleet and the course you are
currently on, I must assume you have hostile
intentions towards the Earth. You will change
course immediately or suffer the consequences."


******************************************

Onboard the lead cruiser, the Goauld known as
Anubis was livid. "Where is that signal coming
from!?"

"Directly ahead, My Lord." The Jaffa reported, "We
cannot get a clear lock on the signal though."

"Arm all weapons, and prepare to fire." The false
god told his men.

******************************************

"They are not changing course, Captain." Petey
reported.

"Of course not." Xander shook his head, "They
never do. The least the villains could do is read the
'Evil Overlord's Handbook'."

"Ohh," Petey clapped his holographic hands
together. "I love that file!"

"Okay, Petey." Xander leaned back to enjoy the
fireworks. "Let them have it."

"Oh," Xander elaborted, "If you can target the
C&C vessel, use one of the special Terapedoes and
leave the cloaked ship alone. Something like this
needs a witness or two."

"Of course, Captain." Petey acknowledged.

******************************************

Onboard Anubis' cruiser, a Jaffa stiffened and
said. "My Lord, I believe I have detected the enemy
vessel."

"Where!?" Anubis growled.

Any reply the Jaffa made was lost as an odd missile
shaped object appeared in front of Anubis.

"Hi there, I am a 25 gigaton Terapedo and I assume that
this is the language you would prefer me to use as I
count down. 3... 2... 1..."

******************************************

At Stargate Command, everyone in the room looked
on in shock as the entire Goauld fleet simply
vanished in a fiery hellstorm.

"Okay," Jack O'Neill was the first to regain his
voice. "What the *hell* just happened?"

End!

[dragona]

Hum interesting

[krinsbez]

Cute.

[EdBecerra]

Originally Posted by krinsbez

Cute.

And it gets better. There's a sequel, currently 13 chapter long.

Ed.

[HawaiianOnline]

Haha! Cute. About time somebody put a Schlock Xover up here.

[EdBecerra]

Originally Posted by HawaiianOnline

Haha! Cute. About time somebody put a Schlock Xover up here.

*nods* And as I said above, there's a sequel. Xander, Petey and Co decide that the Universe needs a little fumigating. For snakes. Nothing like a battleship that can use fabbers to duplicate itself.

Hehehe...

Ed.

[Firethorn]

Now here's a question:

What's the author's name, and where is the second story?

[Teal_Thanatos]

okay, Easiest way to get the story is from the Yahoo website, (I mentioned this in the main Spacebattles forum btw) groups.yahoo.com/group/XanderZone/ Chapters 1-10 + all of original is in a zip file under http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/Xan...d/kevinm_1228/
Also, chapters 11-13 are in the messages somewhere. I'm too lazy to actually, you know, look.

[Dave Lister]

Originally Posted by Teal_Thanatos

okay, Easiest way to get the story is from the Yahoo website, (I mentioned this in the main Spacebattles forum btw) groups.yahoo.com/group/XanderZone/ Chapters 1-10 + all of original is in a zip file under http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/Xan...d/kevinm_1228/
Also, chapters 11-13 are in the messages somewhere. I'm too lazy to actually, you know, look.

well if anyone wants me to I can post the first 6 chapters of the sequel now, and the rest as they arrive. so? how about it?

[RalphNumbers]

Originally Posted by Dave Lister

well if anyone wants me to I can post the first 6 chapters of the sequel now, and the rest as they arrive. so? how about it?

I say go for it