A Very LOE Christmas

[Silence]

Stupidly silly in parts, but I been threatening to this for years.



It was the day before Christmas, and not a killbot was stiring, not even a,
<“MINIONS ASSEMBLE!> the most glorious voice of the Imperious Leader of Primary City thundered through its domain. Suddenly the city was filled with noises of metal boots, treads and other means of transportation heading to their stations.


The One Who Wants, rolled angrily down its, shaking its metaphorical fist up in anger. A hellish red light sensors flashed everywhere from the central apex of the mighty robot. <I have bad news everybody. It appears that Santa Claus has been eaten alive by Fae. This means that Christmas is in danger of being ruined forever>


The robots looked around at each other, and TOWW went on, <Therefor, I have decided since I had invented Christmas and created Santa Claus, I will take on the role and you will help me, spread Christmas fear through all of known space>


<Don't you mean Christmas Cheer o'mighty Leader?” a foolish robot asked.


<My version is better. Anyway we must prepare, all factory output switched to Christmas gift giving mode, and I authorize the release of the Sealed Warehouses full of Forbidden Gifts>


<But how we will deliver everything? Or space fleet is rather slow and small for the task> asked a killbot,


<Oh> said the TOWW airy, <I Invented both time and space! It will be easy to crack for Christmas>


* * *


By the time night was falling on Primary City, the occupants and its great leader were ready. Standing before the TOWW, was its vast legions of killbots all with bags of toys and all dressed up like Santa Claus.


TOWW for its part was carrying a large bag behind it, as well as a waring a giant Santa hat itself and had a fake beard strapped to its primary weapon systems. Everybody all agreed TOWW looked like the spitting image of the recently deceased Kris Kringle himself.


<Begin Operation Candyland> TOWW thundered and the ground opened up swallowing the army of santabots whole and then TOWW itself vanished into the event horizon of swirling Christmas colors.


* * *


World upon world witnessed first hand the arrival of the Santa's. It was a credit to the TOWW killbot legions that they were able to mostly descend from the sky, dodge the AAA fire and interceptors, land through the correct chimney, burst through the fireplace and delivery their vital gifts of Namu-Aklith plush dolls to the children and TOWW”s Strange Meat ™ to the adults before kicking down the doors to wander the planet looking for a ride home.


TOWW itself, having invented space and time, was able to pinpoint his deliveries more accurately and had given itself the role of dealing with the “challenging gifts”. Surprising enough, most of the recipients of his gifts didn't complain about how it busted through the fireplace, or accidentally flatten their extended family.
TOWW also had specialize gifts made for those that were well special.


On Thetis, he had given the CEO of Thetis the gift of being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future, of all which gave the CEO hot stock tips.


On Therson, he gave the Konig the game “Battleship Bingo” which promptly started a new craze.


When he arrived on Keyway, he left under the sleeping dragon's head, a dragon size neckerchief to help with the chaffing of the armor.


Aren Hale woke up Christmas Day to find a new Black trench coat and a new pair of chrome plated pistols.


Arken woke up to find a bag of golf clubs, Preston Lewis of 45th Lane on Thetis was very surprised to find in the ruins of his house, a oversize primium battleaxe. But he promptly sold it on Thetisbay and started a new construction rebuilding corporation.


On Kozun he ran into the Tenno. <Its unfair> said TOWW <That only the French should have a sword that has a demon stuck in it. So here is yours> The Tenno graciously accepted the gift from the being who had smashed half his palace and a single tear streaked down his face, and then suddenly the TOWW vanished.


For Napoleon TOWW had noticed when checking its list, that the Emperor was missing something that all French leaders needed. <Here I present to you, a mistress> the TOWW pointed to a box that had the words Pendleton stamped across it, <I got a gift receipt in the box in case you don't like the flavor>


The Keepers were amazed at the handy duty knives that TOWW had given them. Not only did these knives cut through tanks, they could also tell them what time it was in Tokyo as well as serve as a flashlight.


Belmar's nobility and officer corps received a large shipment of the finest silk cravats this side of Earth.


* * *


And so on it went, TOWW and its merciless legions of deathbots, spreading Christmas fear across known space, in a clear violation of the rules of time and space. Then at the assembled hour TOWW appeared on Lost Ground along with some minions in the middle of a fungal forest


<Is the device ready>


<Yes it is, but we're still not sure if it will work or not. Its at best an imperfect copy of our Doomsday weapon, and replacing the geode core with Chocolate Pie while a stroke of genius on your part sire, has left our models unable to figure out what will happen.>


<Fools, I ran the numbers, this will work, and it will be the best Christmas gift this planet will seen in a long time. We shall turn the planet into a winter wonderland and show off our true power to our enemies!>


<Shouldn't we warn somebody>


<No time, drop it!> TOWW thundered


The sky opened up with another Christmas colored portal and a bomb in a form of a Christmas stocking came falling to the earth. The bomb crashed through the forest and vanished for a second, before there was a large multicolored shockwaves of light spread out, changing the planet forever.


The fungus turned into candy forest, with candy cane trees and gumball bushes, the monsters into creatures like snowmen, reindeer with large red noises and such. For a while the people stood there amazed at how nice and calm their planet looked, and some brave few went into the new candy forests where, they were promptly turn apart of by ravenous snowman, or blasted apart by the radiation waves from the reindeer's noses.



Mothers complained everywhere about the ecological effects of having sweets for the basis of their food on the mouths of their children, and the Sceptans flew into action starting not only one committee to study the problem, but two select subcommittees to ponder actions to take. The Emperor for his own part was upset he found, that he had been given a Barbie doll set and a brush for his hair.


As for TOWW, it saw it had done good and before it vanished away, it proclaimed to <Merry Christmas to all and all a good night> before cackling manically <I'll be back next year>

[Singh]

Awesome stuff. Well done!

Oh, also - Merry Christmas everyone!

[Rask]

Nice, this had me chuckling from the beginning to the end.

[Rex 290]

Merry Christmas.

[Duneczan]

Toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, Aren opened the doors to the small church he called open to pick up the newspaper that he had printed and placed there on the welcome mat the night before. His mouth gaped open at the sight before him, the brush precariously balanced between his upper and lower jaw as it tried to escape his grasp.

He pulled the brush from his mouth. "Thunder!"

"What?" He heard his companion yell from deeper inside the church.

"Why is there a tank tread mark outside our door?"

"Don't you mean tank treads?"

"No...no, it's just the one." He leaned out the doorway. "There's another one about two hundred feet that way though."

"How the hell should I know?" Thunder emerged from the catacombs, nearly tripping over the large Christmas tree that now stood there. "Where did...Aren!"

"What!"

"Didn't I tell you to stop planting trees inside? Trees go outside. You want an indoor plant? Get a ficas. Seriously, how you manage to- gah!" Thunder went crashing to the ground. "AREN! WHY IS THERE A COAT LYING ON THE FLOOR?!"

"How the hell should I know?" Aren replied, still transfixed by the treadmark that was the size of a house.

"What is...gods, look at this mess! It's as if an army of laws-of-physics breaking murderous robots stampeded through here in the middle of the night, decorating the place with boughs of holly and popcorn garlands, only the leave the pews smashed to bits. How many pews have we gone through since living here?"

"The forests weep."

"That many eh? And...guns! Shiny guns! Who the hell puts a pair of pistols on the floor where any man, woman, child or berzerker flora could get its tendrils on them?"

"I'll give them to Saber the next time I see him. If I see him. He's kinda hard to see." His toothbrush now completely forgotten (he had dropped it an it rolled away, almost as if trying to escape), Aren's head cocked to the side as he saw something stranger than enormous treadmarks off in the distance. "Thunder?"

"What?!"

"I think we should move. Frosty and Rudolph are trying to kill our neighbors."

"Stop thinking. I'm the brains of this outfit."

"'Kay."

[whitestar60]

Nice, I like it very much.

[Camyron]

Christmas traditions are fab – I loved researching Polish Christmas traditions for Angel Cake, and loved writing the Christmassy bits in that book, too! The best thing of all about Christmas, though, is spending time with special friends and family.