It Ain't The Size of the Dog in the Fight... (YAHF Buffy/Bolo)

Samarkand · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:18pm

Awareness.

Psychotronic computer cores on-line, weapons systems on stand by, fusion reactors on readiness. Battlescreens up. My human commander appears to be absent. No matter. As a fully autonomous BOLO, I have the capacity of independent combat operations.

I scan my surroundings. Within 2.3 microseconds I have identified my location: Mercer Street, Sunnydale, California. The date is October 31, 1997. Night time. I, Unit XNR "Xander", a Mark XXVIII Bolo of the Dinochrome Brigade, am operational and ready to defend my assigned area of operations from the xeno threat known as "demons".

A swift scan of local police and civilian locations indicates widespread panic. The universe slows as I enter into full battle awareness mode. Multiple demon signatures. I immediately power my 110 centimeter Hellebore and ion bolt infinite repeaters to full capacity. A combat mech who resembles a character from the ancient Terran cinematic entertainment "Frankenstein" lurches by. I lock on and--

Hmmmm.

My programming restrains me. Somehow, this...creature reads as human to my specialized sensors. Curious. Very curious. I must be cautious. Yet, I am BOLO. I cannot allow the humans under my charge to suffer. Treads churning, 15 000 tons of endurachrome surge out to--

Er.

Everything seems to be...larger than expected. The ground vehicles and houses appear to me as those of giants.

One microsecond of calculation. I appear to be 30.345 centimeters in height.

Shouldn't I be...taller?

Well, fuck.

Aratech · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:27pm

Oh, this out to be fun...

werehawk509 · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:28pm

*Twitches...*

Reads through fic slowly...

Reads last few lines...

Oh lord...Poor Xander...

ROFLMAO

Aratech · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:31pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by werehawk509

*Twitches...*

Reads through fic slowly...

Reads last few lines...

Oh lord...Poor Xander...

ROFLMAO

Indeed. Extra laughter on my part because I had the William Tell Overture playing, and it hit the finale just as I was reading the part about 15,000 tons.

EdBecerra · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:38pm

This one is every bit as fun as the "Xander goes as the Mystery Machine" fic. I love it!

Wonder if Xander's still there, in the back of the BOLO's mind?

(And a plasma bolt is still a plasma bolt... it might be smaller, but it'll still roast a vamp.)

Ed.

werehawk509 · Jul 23rd 2009, 7:51pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aratech

Indeed. Extra laughter on my part because I had the William Tell Overture playing, and it hit the finale just as I was reading the part about 15,000 tons.

Snork...

Of course you do know that you just sparked a horrible plot bunny...

Bolo/Transformers xover...

Sir do you want tour decepticons crushed, vaporized or in lots of little pieces?

mackon · Jul 23rd 2009, 8:02pm

Poor old Xander. Still its cool how Unit XNR can tell the demons from en-spelled kids certainly cut down on the body count.

What the hell could the rest of the scoobies be wearing if they dressed in Boloverse motif?

Tweeky · Jul 23rd 2009, 8:16pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by mackon

Poor old Xander. Still its cool how Unit XNR can tell the demons from en-spelled kids certainly cut down on the body count.

What the hell could the rest of the scoobies be wearing if they dressed in Boloverse motif?

Well why not have Willow wearing the interface suit with its' neural interface helmet that Trevor Manecka wore in "Bolo:Old Guard" which enabled her to directly interface with "Benjy", an old MkXXVIII model Bolo. Then Xander could perhaps realise how Willow really feels about him, gets a clue that she wants to be more than just friends(and realise his own latent feelings for her); so when the effect wheres off (after Giles has beat the shit out of Ethan Rayne). They'll take their friendship to the next level while Xander stops his silly mooning over Buffy.

Heh! Xander the Bolo is only a foot tall

.

Samarkand · Jul 23rd 2009, 8:37pm

Just as a note, Unit XNR, a BOLO Unit of the Line, is the only divergence in this fic.

Although, just wait until they have to guess his command phrase....

XNR is a Bolo-ized Xander, whose mind has been warped into a sort of fusion of Boloverse and Buffyverse. Thus, he believes both in the Concordiat and the supernatural wackiness of Sunnydale. Hence his unusual demon-scanning sensors.

GundamChief · Jul 23rd 2009, 8:48pm

As I read it, I heard the sound of a record player suddenly stop (VRRRRP) at the mention of its height...then laughed.

Well, the Hellbore can still wipe out anything this world has to offer in one shot....except maybe an huge demon/hellmouth/Aircraft Carrier...those take several

.

mackon · Jul 23rd 2009, 9:21pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samarkand

Just as a note, Unit XNR, a BOLO Unit of the Line, is the only divergence in this fic.

damn

Barricade · Jul 23rd 2009, 9:48pm

Wait...so the Bolo looks like Xander, or Xander looks like a 1 ft tall Bolo?
And where's the weapons systems?

evilauthor · Jul 23rd 2009, 11:39pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barricade

Wait...so the Bolo looks like Xander, or Xander looks like a 1 ft tall Bolo?
And where's the weapons systems?

And what the hell does the costume look like?

Satori · Jul 24th 2009, 12:23am

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdBecerra

This one is every bit as fun as the "Xander goes as the Mystery Machine" fic. I love it!

Wonder if Xander's still there, in the back of the BOLO's mind?

(And a plasma bolt is still a plasma bolt... it might be smaller, but it'll still roast a vamp.)

Ed.

There's a Xander = Mystery machine fic? Where?

nick012000 · Jul 24th 2009, 12:38am

Well, considering that Xander-Bolo is at least 1/1000th the linear size of a full size Bolo, he's probably got one billionth the firepower, for a total of approximately 20 megawatt hellrails.

He'd be able to do some damage with those. Vaporizing heads and limbs, et cetera. He'd still tell that he's using a tiny fraction of the full power of a full-sized Bolo, however.

EdBecerra · Jul 24th 2009, 12:40am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satori

There's a Xander = Mystery machine fic? Where?

Uh, gimme a second...

Found it.

"The Sixth Member Of The Team."

http://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-17435...f+The+Team.htm

Ed.

StarSpawn · Jul 24th 2009, 2:43am

Quote:

Originally Posted by nick012000

Well, considering that Xander-Bolo is at least 1/1000th the linear size of a full size Bolo,

You FAIL

it is 1:100 not 1:1000, no BOLO has ever been 120+m in height

so it is much stronger Hellrails than 20Mw.

Samarkand · Jul 24th 2009, 5:12am

While I ponder for a few seconds on my options, I assume a strategic hull down position in front of a vital resource. Several bags of candy had been dropped by fleeing denizens of Sunnydale. They require guarding. Sweet, sweet delicious candy.

Mmmmmm.

Focus! I am a BOLO Unit of the Line! I cannot be helpless in the face of this unusual threat. My problem appears to be one of target selection and less than lethal force. Many inhabitants appear to have been transformed into monsters and other characters. Possibly yet another rogue thaumatological effect from the dimensional breech beneath this town. And who builds a colony on top of a Hellmouth? I mean, "come live with Satan" doesn't exactly sing.

Okay. A foot tall, and likely weapons power has been scaled down in a similar manner. That does leave me with a Hellbore that can reduce any main battle tank to so much slag, ion bolt infinite repeaters that can cut humans in two, a VLS system with potent conventional and even thermonuclear warheads. Which is complete overkill. Granted, that's the entire point of a BOLO. But I find myself momentarily stymied by the need for a less than lethal option.

Hold on. Mortars. It is the matter of milliseconds to assess the munition store for what would have been several 30 cm mortars.

This should be useful...

*****

Okay. Illumination and smoke rounds loaded in mortars. Hellbore and ion bolts arrays charged but on safe. I should be good. Now, I must venture forth to drive off the transformed "monsters." But...that means leaving behind the delicious candy.

I waste several uncharacteristic seconds dithering until core programming drives me out.

One block east, I see several normal humans being attacked by an array of monsterized humans. Full battle awareness descends on me. For the Honour of the Reg-- OH GOD NO A CLOWN A CLOWN HIDE!

I...make an entirely justified retreat under a parked car to consider my options.

Yeah.

It's just a clown. With the capering and the dead white face and the grin the grin that says I will eat you and suck the marrow of your bones and torment your soul in the depths of hell with balloon animals.

*ahem*

I...advance with all due caution.

Don't look at the clown don't look at the clown.

My mortars fire a barrage of smoke and illumination rounds. Several explosive shells land in a precise pattern at a safe distance to minimize shrapnel effects. The combination of noise, smoke, and light disorients attackers, giving the victims enough time to flee for the safety of nearby homes. Painfully loud white noise blares from my external speakers. Charging forward into their midst, I scatter the transformed humans and--

THE CLOWN!

FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE!

Engage contra grav! Treads churning, I launch myself at the evil clown's most vulnerable spot.

A second later, the clown is defeated, gloved hands clutching its crotch.

I ram it a few times into unconsciousness. Just to incapacitate it.

Awesome.

Shoving the clown under a pick up truck so that the human within will be shielded until the incident ends, I surge down the street to find more citizens who require my aid. I select a piece of music downloaded from a local sound files archive as a morale booster.

The theme to "Airwolf".

'Cause that's just how Unit XNR rolls, bitches.

...fucking clowns.

consequences · Jul 24th 2009, 5:16am

Could be worse, could have been a Spider-Clown.

Arkeus · Jul 24th 2009, 5:19am

this is just damn funny.

I wonder how long unit Xander will go before realizing his programming isn't quite standard...

mackon · Jul 24th 2009, 5:49am

ok, that just took a hard turn into really really good.

Narf the Mouse · Jul 24th 2009, 7:12am

Now *this* is a crack-fic!

Prince Charon · Jul 24th 2009, 7:37am

Nice.

Ash's Boomstick · Jul 24th 2009, 8:23am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Narf the Mouse

Now *this* is a crack-fic!

I can't agree more, although having a tiny vehicle made of dinachrome and runing at several miles an hour into the groin would likely have exploded the guy's testicles. But for XDR i'm not sure he'd care, esp if it's someone like Harris Snr.

Warringer · Jul 24th 2009, 8:27am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash's Boomstick

I can't agree more, although having a tiny vehicle made of dinachrome and runing at several miles an hour into the groin would likely have exploded the guy's testicles. But for XDR i'm not sure he'd care, esp if it's someone like Harris Snr.

It was worse than Harris Snr... It was a CLOWN!!!

Who in their right minds dresses up as a CLOWN!!!???

CLOWNS!!! are EVIL!!!

Jul 23rd 2009, 7:18pm	#1
Samarkand Registered Join Date: 13 Apr 2008 Posts: 926	It Ain't The Size of the Dog in the Fight... (YAHF Buffy/Bolo) Awareness. Psychotronic computer cores on-line, weapons systems on stand by, fusion reactors on readiness. Battlescreens up. My human commander appears to be absent. No matter. As a fully autonomous BOLO, I have the capacity of independent combat operations. I scan my surroundings. Within 2.3 microseconds I have identified my location: Mercer Street, Sunnydale, California. The date is October 31, 1997. Night time. I, Unit XNR "Xander", a Mark XXVIII Bolo of the Dinochrome Brigade, am operational and ready to defend my assigned area of operations from the xeno threat known as "demons". A swift scan of local police and civilian locations indicates widespread panic. The universe slows as I enter into full battle awareness mode. Multiple demon signatures. I immediately power my 110 centimeter Hellebore and ion bolt infinite repeaters to full capacity. A combat mech who resembles a character from the ancient Terran cinematic entertainment "Frankenstein" lurches by. I lock on and-- Hmmmm. My programming restrains me. Somehow, this...creature reads as human to my specialized sensors. Curious. Very curious. I must be cautious. Yet, I am BOLO. I cannot allow the humans under my charge to suffer. Treads churning, 15 000 tons of endurachrome surge out to-- Er. Everything seems to be...larger than expected. The ground vehicles and houses appear to me as those of giants. One microsecond of calculation. I appear to be 30.345 centimeters in height. Shouldn't I be...taller? Well, fuck. __________________ Livejournal: http://sam-arkand.livejournal.com. BtVS oriented. Collateral damage means never having to say you're sorry. Last edited by Samarkand; Jul 24th 2009 at 6:29pm.

Jul 23rd 2009, 7:27pm	#2
Aratech Expendable Clone Assassin Join Date: 20 Sep 2006 Posts: 14,195	Oh, this out to be fun... __________________ Still, you gotta admire Federation morale. The redshirts die in droves yet we never see one complaining about being sent down on an Away Team, even though his chances of survival are less than that of a Klingon dumped onto the ground floor of Kashyyyk. "A golden sovereign to the first that reviews it lads.....I'll flame Bay around the forums, and around the Rotten Tomatoes maelstrom, and around perdition's flames before I give him up."

Jul 23rd 2009, 7:38pm	#5
EdBecerra Registered Join Date: 9 Oct 2004 Location: Phillips County, Colorado Posts: 7,470	This one is every bit as fun as the "Xander goes as the Mystery Machine" fic. I love it! Wonder if Xander's still there, in the back of the BOLO's mind? (And a plasma bolt is still a plasma bolt... it might be smaller, but it'll still roast a vamp.) Ed. __________________ Clearchus scowls, John Hawkwood grins. Trinquier howls, and Sforza wins.

Jul 23rd 2009, 8:02pm	#7
mackon Missing & Presumed Dead Fleet Captain Join Date: 19 Nov 2006 Location: South Australia Posts: 8,680	Poor old Xander. Still its cool how Unit XNR can tell the demons from en-spelled kids certainly cut down on the body count. What the hell could the rest of the scoobies be wearing if they dressed in Boloverse motif? __________________ Here's my FF.Net page Mackon where most of my writing is archived

Jul 23rd 2009, 8:37pm	#9
Samarkand Registered Join Date: 13 Apr 2008 Posts: 926	Just as a note, Unit XNR, a BOLO Unit of the Line, is the only divergence in this fic. Although, just wait until they have to guess his command phrase.... XNR is a Bolo-ized Xander, whose mind has been warped into a sort of fusion of Boloverse and Buffyverse. Thus, he believes both in the Concordiat and the supernatural wackiness of Sunnydale. Hence his unusual demon-scanning sensors. __________________ Livejournal: http://sam-arkand.livejournal.com. BtVS oriented. Collateral damage means never having to say you're sorry.

Jul 23rd 2009, 7:28pm	#3
werehawk509 Oddball on the loose Join Date: 8 Jan 2006 Location: Maryland U.S. Posts: 214	Twitches... Reads through fic slowly... Reads last few lines... Oh lord...Poor Xander... ROFLMAO

Jul 23rd 2009, 8:48pm	#10
GundamChief Registered Join Date: 21 Jul 2009 Location: The farthest point North, East and West on the World map. Posts: 267	As I read it, I heard the sound of a record player suddenly stop (VRRRRP) at the mention of its height...then laughed. Well, the Hellbore can still wipe out anything this world has to offer in one shot....except maybe an huge demon/hellmouth/Aircraft Carrier...those take several . __________________ “We are Chaos. Raise your shields and give us a good fight. We will sacrifice your souls to our blood craving gods. Your culture will burn in oblivion. Resistance is amusing.” I GundamChief hereby claim that I have trade-marked the measurement "Tit-Sized" and all terminology thereof. Don't go using all in one place

Jul 23rd 2009, 9:48pm	#12
Barricade and his Chibi Neue Ziel! Otaku Join Date: 14 Feb 2005 Location: ↓, ↘, → + Punch Posts: 12,134	Wait...so the Bolo looks like Xander, or Xander looks like a 1 ft tall Bolo? And where's the weapons systems? __________________ Macross Daedalus Attack: Because nothing says "Fuck You" like punching them in the face with an aircraft carrier. Devout Worshipper at the Temple of Kawamori-San, He who is God of all Transforming Mecha "They will know pain, they will know suffering, and then, and only then, they will die." "Muda Da! MudaMudaMudaMuda! Za Warudo! Toki Wo Tomare. Soshite, toki ga ugoki desu. Muda Da! WRYYYYY!!!! -- Dio Brando / Sakuya Izayoi Known aliases: Anon-Non-Non, Mechy-San, Yukikaze-Kun Vae Victus

Jul 24th 2009, 5:12am	#18
Samarkand Registered Join Date: 13 Apr 2008 Posts: 926	While I ponder for a few seconds on my options, I assume a strategic hull down position in front of a vital resource. Several bags of candy had been dropped by fleeing denizens of Sunnydale. They require guarding. Sweet, sweet delicious candy. Mmmmmm. Focus! I am a BOLO Unit of the Line! I cannot be helpless in the face of this unusual threat. My problem appears to be one of target selection and less than lethal force. Many inhabitants appear to have been transformed into monsters and other characters. Possibly yet another rogue thaumatological effect from the dimensional breech beneath this town. And who builds a colony on top of a Hellmouth? I mean, "come live with Satan" doesn't exactly sing. Okay. A foot tall, and likely weapons power has been scaled down in a similar manner. That does leave me with a Hellbore that can reduce any main battle tank to so much slag, ion bolt infinite repeaters that can cut humans in two, a VLS system with potent conventional and even thermonuclear warheads. Which is complete overkill. Granted, that's the entire point of a BOLO. But I find myself momentarily stymied by the need for a less than lethal option. Hold on. Mortars. It is the matter of milliseconds to assess the munition store for what would have been several 30 cm mortars. This should be useful... ***** Okay. Illumination and smoke rounds loaded in mortars. Hellbore and ion bolts arrays charged but on safe. I should be good. Now, I must venture forth to drive off the transformed "monsters." But...that means leaving behind the delicious candy. I waste several uncharacteristic seconds dithering until core programming drives me out. One block east, I see several normal humans being attacked by an array of monsterized humans. Full battle awareness descends on me. For the Honour of the Reg-- OH GOD NO A CLOWN A CLOWN HIDE! I...make an entirely justified retreat under a parked car to consider my options. Yeah. It's just a clown. With the capering and the dead white face and the grin the grin that says I will eat you and suck the marrow of your bones and torment your soul in the depths of hell with balloon animals. ahem I...advance with all due caution. Don't look at the clown don't look at the clown. My mortars fire a barrage of smoke and illumination rounds. Several explosive shells land in a precise pattern at a safe distance to minimize shrapnel effects. The combination of noise, smoke, and light disorients attackers, giving the victims enough time to flee for the safety of nearby homes. Painfully loud white noise blares from my external speakers. Charging forward into their midst, I scatter the transformed humans and-- THE CLOWN! FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE! Engage contra grav! Treads churning, I launch myself at the evil clown's most vulnerable spot. A second later, the clown is defeated, gloved hands clutching its crotch. I ram it a few times into unconsciousness. Just to incapacitate it. Awesome. Shoving the clown under a pick up truck so that the human within will be shielded until the incident ends, I surge down the street to find more citizens who require my aid. I select a piece of music downloaded from a local sound files archive as a morale booster. The theme to "Airwolf". 'Cause that's just how Unit XNR rolls, bitches. ...fucking clowns. __________________ Livejournal: http://sam-arkand.livejournal.com. BtVS oriented. Collateral damage means never having to say you're sorry.

Jul 24th 2009, 5:19am	#20
Arkeus Registered Join Date: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 1,416	this is just damn funny. I wonder how long unit Xander will go before realizing his programming isn't quite standard...

Jul 24th 2009, 5:49am	#21
mackon Missing & Presumed Dead Fleet Captain Join Date: 19 Nov 2006 Location: South Australia Posts: 8,680	ok, that just took a hard turn into really really good. __________________ Here's my FF.Net page Mackon where most of my writing is archived

Jul 24th 2009, 7:12am	#22
Narf the Mouse Registered Join Date: 25 Feb 2008 Posts: 1,477	Now this is a crack-fic! __________________ I will be reposting my stories...As soon as my computer is fixed. I am not sure what is wrong with it and I'm poor. I had to nuke the drives. So, new fanfiction. Look - New fanfiction! and Even more new fanfiction!

Jul 24th 2009, 7:37am	#23
Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know? Join Date: 6 Sep 2005 Location: Right behind you, with a HERRING! Posts: 5,253	Nice. __________________ "There is no such thing as an 'inhuman act', for there is no act so vile that one cannot find a human willing, or even eager, to commit it." -- A. G. Lyman (in other words, me) Davy Crockett is one of those things that lets MechWarriors know that yes, this infantry [is] quite angry at them. -- Peter2005 Anyone clicking on this link deserves to get Rick Rolled.

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