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Battle Fantasia: Dawn of the Great Magical Girl Alliance!

Discussion in 'The Index' started by Darth Artemis, Mar 2, 2011.

  1. Oseng Magi-Tek Mage

    Just a few musings of mine from while I was reading through the thread, take them as you will.

    I think it is a good idea to keep the TSAB influence limited for various reasons that have already been discussed. Basically just the Athra/Asura and her on-board personnel. But at the same time I think it would be interesting to have something occur, preferably off planet or in another dimension, that brings down the hammer of the TSAB and leads to related story lines.

    Sure, the members of the MG Alliance and Earth would be consciously aware of the TSAB etc. But actually realizing that it is a multi-dimensional power with many mages of both genders and quite a load of magi-tech is something else. Depending on how you play it, it could end up going any number of ways in the aftermath - including conflict, division, or a closer understanding.

    Perhaps a relatively minor 'dark kingdom' gets its hands on a powerful lost logia and uses it in an attempt to fight back against the MG Alliance.

    On the hand it does run the risk of having the TSAB overpower the MG Alliance in the spotlight etc, among other things ... so as I said just something that occurred to me while reading through the thread.
  2. OOH OOH OOH!! When the end of the arc happens, and Akiko has her She's Back/I Am Not Alone realization, can we have this song playing? Like, while she's moving for the final blow and giving her "I'm not alone!" friendship speech (she's an MG, such a speech is mandatory), we have those lyrics in the text?

    I'm a big fan of the Theme Tune Power Up, especially if said theme tune is BIG, and that song is big in emotion if not scale.

    And this is just a random shot in the dark thought that I'd like to suggest: Considering that the whole plot basically starts with what amounts to a teen suicide, shouldn't we, at the end of the Akiko arc at least, list the numbers of suicide hotlines?

    I mean, it would only be responsible, right?
  3. Adrian Callida Crime Edge That Severs

    And this is the kind of things people wanna develop in this thread.
    Excellent work Kpatrol88.
  4. AngryDesu Cleaner of Hell's Tokamak

    I imagine the total suckups ended up blasted to hell and back early on. Yami wouldn't care for suckups, she cares for competance - she's also likely smart enough to not fall for the usual 'lets shift the blame to someone else to improve my position' ploys a lot of generals tend to use in MG shows.

    Even if she wishes to conquer... she's not stupid enough to try and strike what is only the most heavily defended territory around. I can see her spreading down and out into other subdimensions and, eventually, other planets accessable via those subdimensions.

    She is likely unpleasant but on the other hand she should have a level of sort-of-kindness in a similar sense to Doom, that is to say one does not fuck with her subjects without her going mama-queen on your ass... and unlike magical girls Yami fully agrees with the policy of 'scorched earth' where warrented. Her desire to best Hayate could lead to some interestingly weird places should Hayate ever adopt or have kids of her own, since Yami would likely expect to match that and expect her kids to beat the pants off of Hayate's.

    If, and this is a big if, she were ever required to marry for whatever reason (it happens with royalty after all) then she probably wouldn't be too bad to her consort... providing he/she won't complain when she lords him/her over Hayate in some way.

    Now I'm imagining her attempting to make a materials-level copy of whatever figure she perceives Hayate as having a romantic interest in.

    Fifty pages! FIFTY!
    Consider me scared.
  5. Guile all the coins in the kingdom

    Poor wording on that, Hikari.

    Good stuff.

    Still want to do some more work on how they meet up- whoever suggested the other 5 (Engie, Demo, Scout, Pyro and Soldier) was made into RED team and set against the other 4 is a pretty clever idea. So some stuff about them meeting up in pursuit of Miss Pauling, misunderstandings, they start fighting each other as well as the Administrator... maybe we could have a big prologue arc for everyone including the original Akiko bit, to see what everyone is doing at that time?

    And then, 9 characters is a lot. Some might need to stay back and man the homefront. Or they could follow the news on TV for a while before getting involved, since the majority seems to want to keep this 'in-house' for awhile.
  6. well, you could have BLU and RED canon teams.

    Like in the trailer for the Mac version of the game.

    Hell, they could probably start becoming friends when Engie and Demo become friends over the internet. Then finding they are magical girls and deciding to team up and then, they realize one is BLU and the other RED... cue to both of them saying they will make sure their evil team, miss Pauline and her Boss won't succeed
  7. AngryDesu Cleaner of Hell's Tokamak

    Have some Vita part of NF Raid, the first section of the raid as a whole.

    * * * * * * * *

    Graf Eisen swung in a lazy arc as it crashed through a bunch of the little black and red critters that infested the Nightmare Factory. Vita didn't really know what the things were and frankly she didn't care as none of them really put up a fight of any kind, instead they simply exploded into clouds of black smoke when hit hard enough. Maybe if they were fighting someone weaker than her then they'd be a challenge but for the most part it seemed like even a one-hundred per-cent normal human could have ripped their way through a crowd of the things.

    How boring.

    She had expected a fight worth crowing about! A toe-to-toe brawl with monsters beyond imagining against which she could go all out against!

    Not a horde of worthless nothings!

    She frowned. Had Signum been this way? After she had split from the other two she had sort of lost track of where things were - she was beginning to suspect the factory was actively changing it's layout to distract her. Maybe the reason she was batting away underlings was because their bosses had already been defeated or were busy fighting one of the others? That sounded an awful lot like she was being treated as if she wasn't a threat - and that pissed her off! Spotting a nearly door the red-clad knight didn't even think twice about kicking the thing down and rushing in with Graf Ei...sen...

    Vita paused.

    First she looked back over her shoulder.

    Then she once again took in the sight around her.

    The reason for her sudden wariness was that she had just walked into what she clearly recognized as Hayate's room. The broken door behind her opened out onto what the rest of the factory had looked like - sickly green walls covered in dripping pipes and rusty grilles - but the room she was in now looked exactly as if it were Hayate's room back home.

    heLLo vITa.

    The knight shuddered at the high-pitched voice. She knew that voice, it was a voice that she had spent weeks trying to forget after the first time she had heard it. A squeaky, burbling voice that someone, somewhere had mistakenly thought was the ideal thing to comfort children with... It was the voice of 'Speak Easy Deadbunny' - a speaking version of her favorite plush toy. Apparently thanks to a manufacturing error almost all the first batch of the things had spoken with horrific voices which had terrified thousands of young deadbunny fans across the country - her included. That voice had haunted her nightmares for weeks.

    Her pulse rising rapidly, Vita scanned the room for the source of the voice. On the dresser? The windowsill? Maybe hidden in the wardrobe? Reflexively she glanced towards the door for an escape route... only to see nothing but a blank wall where there had once been a door.

    vITa, vITa, vITa, wHEre ARe yOU loOKinG?” The red-haired girl let out a slight whimper as she turned around to face Hayate's bed and the large lump under the covers that hadn't been there the first time she had looked. She knew what was happening - this whole setup was following a reoccurring nightmare she had experienced for a long while a month or two after she had first met Hayate.

    Dimly she realized why this place was called the Nightmare Factory.

    Shaking her head Vita gripped Graf Eisen harder, hard enough that her hands hurt. She knew this was a nightmare... but in her nightmares she had never been armed. A nasty grin spread across her face as the idea of beautiful, beautiful revenge crossed her mind. “Eisen!” she hissed, pulling the iron count back for a full overhead swing and leaping forward.

    The head of the mallet smashed into Hayate's bed... and the scream that came from what was under the covers was most definitely not the high pitched one Vita had expected. In fact it had sounded horrifyingly like... like...

    “Hayate!” the red-haired girl screamed, almost dropping Graf Eisen in shock as a large part of her brain kicked in with the seemingly absolute certainty that she had just killed her own mistress, best friend and family member. That wasn't true! It couldn't be true! Hayate was safe at home where she and the other knights had left her!

    But as the bed covers started to stain themselves red around the point of impact Vita found that her rational thought was pushed to one side as she dived at the bed and scrabbled wildly at the material. Eventually her fingers gained purchase on the cloth and she ripped it away -


    - only to reveal the large off-white head of deadbunny, it's red eyes looking right at her and it's stitched mouth curled up in a nasty smirk.

    eXPecTIng SOmeONe eLSe... vITa?

    The knight screamed and jumped away as the large version of her favorite plush toy sat up in the bed and twisted it's head to look at her. Then it seemed to twitch and look down at the hole in it's chest, damage from when Graf Eisen had smashed into it on the bed.

    yOU hiT HarD.

    The plush rabbit sagged forward, then moved to push itself off of the bed.

    Did YOu tHInk I Was SOmeONe sPEciAL?

    Vita backed away, her head shaking from side to side in denial. She was stronger than this! She should have been able to just smash her way through this thing but... but it was hard to make her body do what she wanted it to do. Her legs felt so weak and her arms were shaking almost so much that it was hard to keep hold of her weapon properly. Her breathing was shallow and her heart rate had rocketed - her body was reacting in fear whether she wanted it to or not.

    I WonDEr iF I caN See IF thEY scREam AS weLL as YOu dO?

    The wolkenritter froze.

    “What... did you say?” She ground out between clenched teeth, her trembling seeming to slow and one hand reaching down to a pouch at her waist.

    HayATe iS It? tHE naME reSOunDS in YOur NighTMarES.

    The iron knight's shaking stopped dead.

    yoUR imAGinATioN Of hER scREam SOunDEd sO VerY TasTY.

    “You...” she hissed as she extracted a trio of iron balls from the pouch at her waist “...Stay the hell...” In one movement she threw the balls into the air and swung her mallet around in a great arc. “...Away from Hayate!”

    Schwalbe Fliegen!” The hammer smashed into the balls and launched them like a trio of angry hornets at the giant plush toy where they crashed into it - doubling the monster over with the impact even as they blew their way out through it's back.

    “Now,” Vita whispered as she approached the collapsed plush toy, Graf Eisen transforming into it's rocket form as she did so. “I don't think you scare me anymore.” She grinned nastily as her device loaded not one but two cartridges in a row. It's head glowing with the massively dense magical energies the iron count was drawn back by it's owner.

    When it came to threats against their master's life little emotions like 'fear' were rendered meaningless to one of the Wolkenritter.

    To one of their enemies, now cowering upon the ground, 'fear' was a very, very real thing.

    * * * * * * * *

    The nightmare factory monsters - or at least this kind - evidently program themselves based on the recent nightmares of their target. That makes them tricky for Akiko to fight as she had a few nightmares of her own but when they target someone else she has to work out what their nightmare actually is before she can locate the monster in order to kill it... during which time said monster is trying to kill her.
    A sensor type like mercury or shamal would have made these things easy as pie...
    Aires Drake likes this.
  8. Nice. I can see where that'd be an absolutely horrific foe to face.
  9. Kpatrol88 Surprise!~

    Love the theme you got going there. You actually got a shiver going down my spine when the rabbit first appeared and Vita's fears were very believable.
  10. Damn... so that's what a Nightmare Factory is in action: Render the person insane though using dreams against them...

    ... although, some people are tougher to render Insane then others...
  11. Adrian Callida Crime Edge That Severs

    Very nice. Also gives some fluff on Vita beyond being the hammer loli of the Wolkenritter.Also nice take on the Nightmare Factory.

    On a lighter note: This Plotbunny has grown so much it brings tears to my eyes. Only a few days old and already 50 pages...
  12. Yasanagi Writer

    Major props, AngryDesu. I really liked how you pulled off that nightmare atmosphere only for Vita to turn it back on its head.
  13. firefossil I have charts. Lots of charts.

    Actually, not poor at all. If she hadn't wished for that, Chiea would already have turned into a Witch. Now, Chiea can't die until Hikari dies, and her heritage from Himei seems to be giving her hefty resistance to corruptive effects.

    Nice, I like the interpretation of the Nightmare Factory. Something that, even if is pathetically weak powerwise compared to Vita, was still able to temporarily neutralize her, it just didn't have anything to follow through, or was too dumb to try for such.

    However, against an opponent of lower power level or morale, such tactics it would be devastating.
  14. AngryDesu Cleaner of Hell's Tokamak

    Vita's fear, at least the one of the plush toy, was based loosely on my niece - who developed nightmares of an actual kids toy with a really messed up voice. (I think someone had got it wet or put it through a washing machine at some point or something - it still worked but geez it sounded freaky as all hell thanks to the damage.)

    I should probably write a summary of it soon, but I see the Nightmare Factory producing monsters which create nightmares... though I have no idea why (I don't really want to use some kind of 'to get dream crystals' stylee objective for them)
    They'll probably have a few heavy-hitter types which I expect signum is more likely to face. While all the wolkenritter would have a fear of losing Hayate I'd much rather explore other fears they may have - and Signum is kind of... hard to come up with something for.

    (suggestions welcome on this)

    That said I shouldn't let the Nanoha cast dominate here, so Signum and Nanoha's parts may get glossed over to some extent lest they do take it over.

    I like fluff.
    It's grown so much we're going to have to get it a new incarceration device (playpen) and start feeding it solid food now.

    And you know what? I still have no idea what i'm calling all this...
  15. Yasanagi Writer

    I have a growing magic spell index that I'm keeping for my Material Days story. If you need attacks and stuff, I can throw up what I got.
  16. Yea, Psychological Warfare is a serious thing... of course then again, some people can be trained specifically for it.

    Making it based off of IRL events... come to think of it, sometimes reality does leak into our fiction does it?

    I got nothing here... maybe those who are Terminally Insane could be Mediums for some kind of Ultimate Nightmare? I dunno?
  17. agreed. Loved how awesome Vita can be, and her feelings for Hayate. The whole thing had a very creepy feel, of course.

    EDIT: Fear for Signum. Well, I'll draw one from Touhou's Youmu, the resident noble samurai who lives for her mistress Yuyuko. Most people agree her main fear is just being unable to be of use to her mistress, which all things considered, Yuyuko has no need for somebody like Youmu.

    It ranges from being just too weak, too unskilled, too slow to protect Yuyuko, to the fact that Youmu being a half youkai is mortal and will live a way too short life in comparison of Yuyuko who isn't even alive and will exist until the ends of time.

    On Signum case, it could be the reverse, with Hayate having a very ephemeral life
  18. tahu1809 The Bionicle fan

    We keep this up, and will have a TV tropes page by the end of the mouth.
  19. Darth Artemis The Villain in Glasses


    Actually this was the first thing I thought of.


    Good job making the enemies into something even the Wolks can't just plow through, I suspect Vita is going to have a lot of respect for Akiko when she wakes up. Fighting that and stuff like it for seven years? Yeah, that's pretty hardcore.

    Signum's fear may involve losing herself in her battles and becoming a person like, say, Cypha for example; an emotionless (or emotional but psychopathic) killing machine without honor, reason, or remorse. That she was actually like that for her previous masters and just can't remember it might be a good place to start.

    Signum in StrikerS: "All I can teach them is how to run up to the enemy and cut them apart." If that's honestly all she thinks she's good for, then this is a good fear for her to have as well.
  20. AngryDesu Cleaner of Hell's Tokamak

    Hm, thinking on Signum - it's mentioned or at least hinted that the wolkenritter can't really remember much, if anything, about their past.

    I'm wondering if, for her, I can take the tack that her nightmare is of her past - or at least something which could pass for her past if presented correctly. True or not I figure one of her fears would be on how much of a monster she and the other wolkens have been over the years with previous masters and i'm sure that somewhere inside is always the thought of 'was I ever a real person and was I a monster then too?'

    Just imagine her seeing what she believes to be herself in the (long, long distant) past as a real person, with parents, with a significant other... then slaughtering her way through them because she is a monster, she always was a monster and as much as she may deny it she will always be a monster.
  21. UberJJK Solidarity

    And the Nightmare factory shows the most common weakness of these horror things. They pushed the wrong button. If only they had stayed away from Hayate...

    You know the fact that the creepy voice belonged to a dead bunny made it three times as disturbing. Good Job :)
  22. Adrian Callida Crime Edge That Severs

    Before the end of the month we'll probably hit 100 pages, have fleshed out AngryDesu's story into an epic Alpha-type tale with various supplements, and have a dedicated story-only thread posting. With other authors pooling for sequels, spinoffs, omakes to truly elevate this into SRW levels of success.

    Ladies, Gentlemen, and Gentlebeings. This is The Dream. Our Goal.
    This is not a fantasy. This. Is. LEGEND.
  23. AngryDesu Cleaner of Hell's Tokamak

    Can I still be scared of this?
  24. Darth Artemis The Villain in Glasses

    A thought: we need a spin-off where Yami invades the Dungeon Keeper 'verse and runs into Ami. Yes, that Ami.
  25. We already have a Love Hammer page up on Tv Tropes this is bound to happen. This thing updates 10-15 pages a day. I bet a cookie that we pass Lovehammer in pages by the end of the month or 2 weeks from now by the rate we're going.

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