Bruce Has A Problem - Adrian Tullberg & RoundRobin - Chronological

Bruce Has A Problem - Adrian Tullberg & RoundRobin - Chronological

Table of Indexes


Bruce Has A Problem TOC - One Of Two - TOC.
Bruce Has A Problem TOC - Two Of Two - TOC.

Art for BHAP . Art .Bruce Has A Problem Art & PinUps

AndrewJTalon . Weapons Outload .BatClan -_ Batman; Batgirl; Robin; RedRobin; NightWing; HarleyQuin (RobinRedBreast); BlackCat
EdBecerra . BatmanReasons .Meaning -_ The Reason Why Bruce Wants Gotham To Be and Becoming Batman To ReMode Gotham To Be Safer
Scriviner . BatMobiles .Bat Mobiles -_ The BAT MOBILES ; Five Of Them
Scriviner . BatVehicles .Bat Vehicles -_ Tumblers ; Bat-Javelin ; BatPods ; Bat-Motorcyles ; BatBoats ; BatPlanes ; Bat Subway RocketSleds
Scriviner . Supergirls .Supergirls -_ Powergirl-KarenStar; Supergirl_Superwoman-LindaDanversKent; Supergirl-Kara; AriellaDanvers-Kent


Omake http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/bruce-has-a-problem-thread-9.222522/page-24

This is / will be in Chronological order as per the list posted by Scriviner









SCROLL Down and Start Reading, Fellow Viewers and Posters....






xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Adrian Tullberg . Prologue .Batcave -_ Tim, AlfredPerturbed, Bruce, Harley?, RobinOutfit, BatmanProfiled, QuinnNewLove

Bruce Has A Problem
By Adrian Tullberg

***

Tim’s first clue was Alfred looking particularly perturbed. The second was the strong smell of alcohol following the normally impeccable Englishman.


The second sign was that the hidden entrance to the Batcave was left wide open. In fact it was near impossible to leave it open even accidently, given the safety features built in.


Tim walked cautiously down the stairway, to the throne like chair near the Batcomputer. Yes, there was Bruce, slumped in the chair, haggard expression, and refilling a glass of his special stock of twelve-year-old bourbon.


When Bruce wasn’t passing off ginger ale as Dom Perignon, this was his drink of choice for two good reasons. First, it was expensive and strong, and given the years of hard work invested in destroying the image of one Bruce Wayne, it wouldn’t surprise anyone if seen in his hand.


Second, the stuff did the job with brutal power and efficiency. During his younger days first wandering the mansion, Tim had happened upon an opened bottle of this bourbon and took a cautious sniff. It felt like his nose hairs had caught on fire and ruined his sense of smell for a day afterwards. Now, Tim kept a small amount to use whenever he caught a cold and needed a nasal decongestant.


“Bruce ...?


“Hey kiddo!”


Tim whirled around, Batarang at the ready ... which he promptly dropped.

A small woman. Blonde.


Wearing a costume.


A Robin Costume, specifically, Dick’s first Robin costume.


And this woman ... he knew her ...


“Harley Quinn?”

“In the flesh, Timmy boy!” She walked past him, and gave Bruce a big wet one on the cheek.


Tim had never seen Bruce’s left eye twitch like that.


Quinn draped her arm around Tim’s shoulder, and put on the tone when she tried to sound serious. “Now I want you to know that even though Bruce and I have gotten serious about our relationship, and we’re going to be spending more time together, he’s still your father and loves you very much, okay sport?”

Tim looked at the earnest face of the repeat Arkham Asylum inmate with a growing sense of dread.


“Having said that, me and him will be performing a number of activities that two adults usually do when they’re alone, and we’re going to need some alone time then. Unless you like to watch. But don’t worry, that’s a lot more normal compared to some of the rumours I’ve heard about Brucie and his Robins. Anyways ... in short? If the Batcave’s rockin’, don’t bother knockin’!”


It took Tim a lot longer to get his jaw working to deliver the words. “Thanks for the heads up.”


“No problem!”


“Can I ... talk to Bruce?”


“Sure! Boy talk! Male bonding! Normal, healthy relationships! It’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those ...”


Tim looked Bruce in the eye.


“What. The. Hell.”


Bruce looked up at Tim.


“She worked it out. Who I was. She successfully profiled me.”


“Your big announcement, B-Babe!”


Wha ... oh. Bruce Wayne giving the worldwide announcement of his ‘secret funding’ of Batman, and extending that concept to creating Batman Incorporated.


Harley had casually dropped herself into Bruce’s lap. “Seriously, anyone who knows Batman knows that it’d be a little fishy that he’d let anybody else control his cash?” She gave Bruce a big smile. “I mean, face it honey, you’re just a bit of a control freak.” She then turned to Tim, cupped one hand around her mouth, and started whispering in a tone that could be heard across a crowded stadium. “I’m probably going to need a safeword.”


Tim was desperately remembering the focussing mediative techniques that were taught to him to fight off the Scarecrow’s toxin. They weren’t helping. “And how did you ...”


“Here I was, realising that Bruce had told anyone with training in psychiatry and gotten up pretty close and personal with Batman who he was, and I was wondering why ... when it hit me.”


Quinn curled up in the lap of the frozen still Bruce. “All this time, when I’d shot him, given him a whammy with a big mallet, put him in all those death traps, and he still ensures I get a fair trial, a parole hearing, saves my life when I make a teensy miscalculation in placing explosives.”


Quinn then enveloped Bruce’s head in the kind of hug normally used to strangle lifelong enemies. “This big emotionally stunted man-child was trying to tell the world he loves me!” She swept her arm out to encompass an unseen future vision. “No more abusive relationships with bleached skinned wackos! From now on, Doctor Harleen Quinzel is embarking on a new life of vigilante justice alongside her one true love! Saving Gotham while publicly reasserting his heterosexuality!”


Harley leaped off, measuring the Cave with her fingers. “But we’ve got to start redecorating first.”


Tim moved to whispering range of Bruce’s face. “How can we get rid of her?”


Bruce looked up, a gaze devoid of all hope. “What can we do to her that the Joker has already done to her, and she still wouldn’t get the message?”


Tim opened his mouth.


Then closed it.


Opened it again.


Nothing came out.


Tim elected to grab Bruce’s glass and take a healthy swig.


Bruce didn’t mind, because at that point, he’d elected to eliminate the middleman by chugging direct from the bottle.


“Bruce? Honey? I want to be totally honest in our relationship, and I’ve got to point out that you might have a teensy bit of a problem ...”

AndrewJTalon . CH_01a .Batcave -_ Stephanie, Bruce, DamianTied, Harley, Bonding, MommyHarley, DamianSword


Forgive my impertinence, but I just had to write something as a little add-on to this bit of brilliance. I apologize if it's not as good as the original, but at the very least it's legible... Mostly.

Roll it.

- - - - - -

Stephanie had only just arrived at the Cave, due to an emergency summon from Alfred, in full costume and full gear. She had ejected out of the Batpod with every weapon she could comfortably fit between her fingers, ready to let them fly.

She landed in a stumble at the sight before her-Bruce Wayne in a bathrobe with about four day's worth of stubble. That sight alone was pretty nuts, and already she was looking about for Batzarro or a good Lex Luthor or some other sign of an approaching apocalypse.

Though in hindsight, if Batman's response to such an event was to pull on bunny slippers, walk around the cave in a bathrobe, and stare listlessly at the walls, Stephanie decided it was probably something way out of her paygrade.

"Here," Bruce had stated flatly, as he'd shoved a package into her arms. The package consisted of a tightly bound Damian with what appeared to be at least two bolos, handcuffs for his ankles and wrists, and a ball gag.

"... Bruce, despite what you've heard, I'm not going to do anything with him until he's legal and my mom would question me having a slave boy around the house," Stephanie quipped. Bruce said and did nothing, so Stephanie checked the eyes of his son. The dilation through his mask indicated he had been drugged.

Considering his metabolism...

"What the hell happened? Did he overdose on horse tranquilizers?" Stephanie asked.

"The dosage is well within his tolerance limits."

"That you don't deny they were horse tranquilizers should concern me, but it doesn't."

"Take him. Go on patrol. Have fun if you have to. Keep him from getting back here," Bruce said flatly.

"For how long?" Stephanie asked.

"OOOOOHHHH! IS THAT BRATGIRL?!" Squealed a familiar... And annoying... Voice. Stephanie looked over and saw the form of Harley Quinn, her curves showing off through the form of a Nightwing costume, cartwheeling over to them.

"Uh... Bruce...?"

"It's not for his sake," he muttered. "It's for hers."

"... Oh... Kay," Stephanie replied, blinking rapidly as she tried to sort out just when reality began going bye bye.

Don't think I died twice...

"Heyah Bratgirl! Three point oh, ain'tcha? Love the blonde and-Ooh! Ain'tcha getting a little too cozy with the Robin? Well, if anything'll calm 'im down it'll be knockers like those!" Harley wrapped a playful arm around Stephanie's shoulders and grinned. Stephanie stared back and shrugged.

"Well... He does stare at them when I'm not looking."

Teasing him with it was something she was saving for when puberty really starting hitting him.

"Ha! See, this is why I like you best! Red was too stuck up and too goody goody for fun, Black was like some kinda ninja all silent and creepy, but you! You're the fun Batgirl!" Harley smiled. "No wonder Brucey kept you out of sight! You probably drive 'em up the wall, huh? Huh?"

"I try to avoid raising anyone's blood pressure in the morning, it's more fun to make them twitch in the afternoon," Stephanie smoothly replied. She looked over at Bruce, who stared at her like she had sprouted another head. The blonde Batgirl shrugged, hugging the drooling Damian a little closer to her chest.

It made catching him with the cowl cam a hell of a lot easier, after all.

"So... You're in the loop, right? Know why I'm here and all?" Harley asked with a hopeful smile.

"Um... No, I'm not. I just got the call and here I am. I'm the twerp's babysitter, basically," Stephanie said. Harley grinned at Bruce, and leaped into his arms. He automatically caught her, with an expression on his face that was this close to begging for death.

"Awwww! Brucey, you shoulda told me! Now we've got the whole day to ourselves and I ain't got nothin' planned! Don't you worry though, Harley's got plenty of ideas!" She grinned. "Especially after I found your collection of my old costumes, you dirty naughty boy! So what'll it be? That time with the nuke, or maybe when I tried t' get back into normal society? Plenty o' pornovision moments in those, I can tell ya!"

Bruce's eyebrow twitched. Stephanie had become rather good at reading him after a while, and it was fairly clear he wasn't in mortal peril... Just on the verge of a mental breakdown.

And that, well... That, she was definitely not qualified to handle.

"Right... I've got this B. Don't worry about a thing," Stephanie said.

"Bye hon! Have fun! And tell Damian Mommy loves himmmm!" Harley squealed, waving after them.

Stephanie gunned the engine and got out of the Cave as fast as she could, for one simple reason:

Even under the effects of heavy sedation, Damian had reached for his sword the moment Harley had spoken the word "Mommy".

It didn't take the World's Greatest Detective to figure out that after that? It all went downhill...

AndrewJTalon . CH_02a .JokerLair -_ Joker, PonyPlushy, Minion, SocksSuits, Crisis, NoHarley, Henchmen, HarleyBatgirl

In all of this, no one has considered... The Joker's reaction.

- - - - - -

The alarm clock went off, cheerfully bleating out Joker's favorite comedic monologue: The Dead Parrot Sketch.

He got up with a yawn, and set his feet on the floor. He put aside the pink pony plushy Harley had taken to taking to bed, and which stayed there. Joker however had taken the opportunity to render it's hair nice and straight... And then murdered anyone who had seen him brushing the mane of the pony.

In retrospect, that had probably not been the best idea. It could have been a great new gag-Joker ruins fantastically popular pony cartoon! Oh the crying of the kiddies would have been great! Ah well, he supposed he could save it for Hasbro itself-Joker faced ponies would be on that show or it'd be HAHAHA KerKLUMP for 'em all!

Scratching his lower back, the Clown Prince of Crime got up and walked slowly to the closet. He opened it up, and frowned.

His closet was empty. He looked over to his laundry hamper-Full up with his suits and socks and everything else. The Joker's smiling face adopted a frown, and he walked out into the "party room" of the Ha-Ha-Ciendea. A few of his henchmen were having breakfast at the table. It was leftover take out Chinese.

"Uh, mornin' boss," one of these face painted worthies said. "Want some leftover kung pao?"

"No, not until I find my socks... Shoes... Suits... Where is anything clean?" He demanded, his sharp eyes sweeping the unkempt interior. Certainly chaos reigned but it was a hygienic chaos! A sniffle-ly Joker was not a good joke at all!

Though a sniffle-ly Batman, there was the ticket! Yes, he could see it now: That annoying dark booming voice reduced to a coughing, phlegm-y mess! Ol' Brucie would LOVE that: His pet vigilante on sick leave! This whole Batman Inc. thing was frankly BRILLIANT! It opened up a whole new world of fun!

"Ah, boss... She left a week ago," one henchman said.

"What?! Where'd she go? She'd never been gone this long before! ... Or has she? Which Crisis event are we on?"

"Uh... Third?" One henchman asked.

"Fourth, definitely fourth," another said.

"I thought there were only two," the third said. "Did that whole thing with Superboy Prime count?"

"Do any of them count? Or do they just overwrite 'em?" The first asked.

"Who's on First?" Joker snuck in. His henchmen laughed, dutifully, and Joker allowed himself a little smile. Not really great though, just a reference. Maybe if it involved baseball players... On fire...

"Right! Harley's missing again. Call up Pammy, see if she's over there!" Joker commanded. One of the henches did so... And after enduring a long call involving a lot of screeching about activism and so forth, they hung up.

"Eesh! Red's got a thorn up her butt-Should've called herself 'Briar Rose'," Joker snorted.

"Probably afraid of being associated with a Disney movie," Hench One commented.

"Excessive corporatism, evils of capitalism, my poor babies," Hench Two sighed. He'd had to endure the majority of the call after Joker had handed it over to him.

"You'd THINK she'd like a walking, talking rose garden fer crying out loud I oughta..." Joker grumbled.

"Well, maybe she left a message... Email... Something or other..." One of the henches said with a small, nervous smile.

"OF COURSE! It's the Twenty-first century! How I forgot! All right, lessee..."

Joker opened up the laptop (decorated purple, of course) and checked his homepage. His jaw dropped as he saw the headline of the Gotham Daily.

Harley Quinn: Reformed Defector to Justice? it read, with a bright color photo of a blonde woman in the old fashioned Robin costume chasing Batman over the rooftops.

Outside the Ha-Ha-Ciedna...

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The local homeless people, never ones to linger near the Joker's lair for much time, fled in droves. Better to be safe rather than sorry.

- - - - - -

Scene borrowed heavily from Batman: TAS "Harley and Ivy", but really... Was there any other way to go with it? Also some influence from the Cat Tales verse.

AndrewJTalon . CH_03a .Mansion -_ Bruce, Options, HarleyFollows, Alfred, Homemaking, Trap, HarleySexyMaid, THUMP&Tackle

- - - - - - - -

Bruce didn't dare to voice a sigh. He didn't move, he didn't blink. He controlled his physical responses through intense meditation to render him as silent and invisible as humanly possible... And then some.

He'd been like this for several hours, hidden deep in the dark caverns of Gotham. He'd tried to remain hidden, weighing his options, stopping the occasional crime. Even the fear of being found by her had not overwhelmed his sense of justice and duty.

So... My options... He considered, as he hung beneath the East Kane Bridge. I could request long term assignment off world with the Justice League.

Dick and Damian had proven they could handle the city easily in his absence. His skills could easily help expand their peacekeeping efforts across the universe. Maybe expand Batman Inc. out to other worlds, yes. All of that would involve a great deal of off world time. Far, far away.

Bruce Wayne could go along, act as a representative. Might raise some questions, but who would believe alien beings that Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person?

On the other hand... She just might follow me, he thought with a grimace.

Batman found himself at a loss. All of his scenarios, all of his planning, all of his contingencies... Not a single one involved Harley Quinn becoming infatuated with him. Certainly he felt a certain... Kinship with her. They were both, as was becoming popular, "damaged people". Probably in serious need of therapy (Her far more than him).

And at least she was out of the Joker's clutches. Getting someone out of that was a victory in of itself... As much as his emotions insisted otherwise.

Yes. All he had to do was regain control of the situation. He could think fast on his feet, now that he'd gotten back into his usual routine, cleared his head, and gotten away from her for several hours.

His brilliant mind already had numerous ideas for dealing with Harley. Connecting with her, engaging with her, and steering her away from him romantically. Maybe find someone else for her to become obsessed with...

... Eventually. He couldn't expect to get her to let go of him right away... It was going to take time, but he had eternal patience. Really.

... And if all else failed, he could leave a bomb in the JL Watchtower transporter in the cave after he took a trip to the moon. Even with the Batjet it would take her hours to get to another one and by then he would hopefully be somewhere fairly distant.

Oa sounded just about right.

- - - - - -

Bruce had reached the Batcave, changed into civilian wear, and ascended the elevator to the mansion above. So far, no Harley. Looking around, he soon spotted Alfred dusting some china.

"Alfred?" Bruce asked.

"Ah, hello Master Bruce," Alfred said calmly.

"Where's Harley?" He asked. His faithful butler and father figure nodded upstairs.

"Waiting for you in your room, sir. She wanted to discuss a few things. It seemed very serious. I suggest you hear her out," Alfred said, a touch of admonishment in his suggestion. Bruce raised an eyebrow, and Alfred shrugged.

"She has, in her own way, attempted to help out around the house, as it were. After I pointed out silver polish doesn't work on windows, she took to many tasks around the house with aplomb and enthusiasm."

"Homemaking, Alfred?" Bruce asked with an eyebrow.

"It seems she is trying to make a positive association with doing things for a loved one, to remove the... Negative association," he said. Alfred smiled a bit wryly. "Perhaps you could aid her?"

Bruce nodded and headed up stairs, coming up with his various arguments. He wasn't the polished lawyer Harvey Dent was, nor the great public speaker Clark was... Or as good with people as Dick was... Or as subtle as Alfred...

Just present your arguments, be patient, it's all you can do, he decided, pragmatism winning out. He opened the door and entered his room. He looked around.

"Harley?"

"Just a second, Brucie!" Harley called from the bathroom. "I'm almost ready~!"

Bruce waited, focusing on his meditation techniques again. He kept his eyes closed. Do not anticipate, be... Be... Be...

"Okay, I'm ready~!"

Bruce opened his eyes. There stood Harley Quinn in the door of the bathroom.

In a maid's costume.

A sexy and revealing maid's costume.

With a sexy and seductive smile on her lips.

"I hope you don't mind that I cleaned things up for ya... Makes gettin' dirty later much more satisfying, huh!"

Bruce looked to the door. It had shut, and from the sounds of the mechanisms locking, the internal security measures rated to deter a genius on par with Lex Luthor or a brick of Bane's strength level had just activated.

He looked to the windows-Armored shutters had come down, made of an alien alloy strong enough to withstand a direct shot from a rail gun shell. Up and down his gaze went, noting that every single other possible exit had been sealed off, and the air vents were far too small for even him to escape.

And Harley Quinn was already geared up for a pounce.

I'm going to get you for this Alfred, he thought, just before Harley tackled him to the bed.

- - - - - -

Outside, Alfred allowed himself a little smirk, and headed to the kitchen to prepare the menus for tomorrow. While a bit on the unsophisticated side, Ms. Quinn's menu recommendations were not without merit.

And Miss Brown, Master Damian, and Master Dick did love pancakes...

Scriviner . CH_04a .BFFs1 -_ Ivy&Harley, Rumors, LeftClownBubba, BatsyWatsyNewBod, DatingBATMAN?! Hugs

This made me think (of various naughty things, but primarily):

"Heya, Pammie!" The blonde chirped happily at her friend. The blood was rushing to her head from her current position, but it wasn't one she was unfamiliar with and certainly not when dealing with her bestest of best buddies, Pam Isley, otherwise known as Poison Ivy.

Ivy tilted her head to the side slightly and tried to take in Harley's appearance. "I've heard some... disturbing rumors." She said in her low, sultry voice. "I'm starting to think there might be something to them."

Harley made a delighted inquiring noise. "Ooooh? Which rumors?"

"I understand you left the clown." Ivy said, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Yep!" Harley said swinging from where she was trapped with obvious glee. The blood going to her head was making her diiiiiizy, but the pheromones Pammie tended to put out tended to have weird effects on people even at the worst of times. "Mistah Jay is no longer welcome at Casa de la Harley."

"While that is wonderful," Ivy replied, "I'm wondering why I had to hear about it from the clown asking me if I'd seen you."

"Oh! Well, the thing is... I kinda met up with someone new!"

"Oh." The disappointment in Ivy's tone was obvious to everyone not named Harleen Quinzel. The plants in her immediate vicinity wilted slightly and the vines entangling Harley loosened just enough for her to slip free and flip back onto her feet.

"Well, he's not really new-new," Harley continued, oblivious to her best friend's sulkiness, clasping her hands to her chest. "You've met him! And you know he's soooooo much better for me than Mistah Jay EVER was."

"Who are you tal--" Ivy began to ask, but was interrupted when Harley jumped at her, enfolding her into an extremely enthusiastic hug and pressing so very close that even her mildly green skin became flushed with embarassment and a tiny degree of excitement.

"We should ALL go out to dinner! That would be awesome if my best gal-pal and my new man got along! I mean there won't be any of the trying to kill you that Mistah Jay used to try..." Harley paused thoughtfully, putting a finger to her chin in a gesture that Ivy found far too charming for her own good, "Mistah Bee MIGHT try to catch you, but you don't got any outstanding warrants so I think he'll behave."

Ivy stared at her friend who at the moment was far too close for comfort. "Mister 'B'?" She said in a cool tone. The clues had all lined up but even she had trouble allowing herself come to the clear confusion. The version one Robin outfit Harley was wearing and using to show a goodly amount of leg in was far too obvious a clue.

"Mmm-hmm..." Harley said with a breathy purr to her voice. "He's so strong, and nice and he cares about me so much! I mean he pays such good attention to me! And he shows his appreciation," She added a saucy wink just to make sure Ivy got exactly what she was talking about, "When I help out around the cave!"

"Oh god." Ivy moaned slumping her head. "You're talking about Batman. You're saying you're dating BATMAN."

Harley grinned, "Yes! And he is sooooo good to me! And I met his family! I think they approve!"

Ivy knew this would end in tears for someone. Most likely her. Her experience with Harley's obsessions was... extensive. She knew no matter how badly the blonde was treated by the men she was "in love" with, she'd keep coming back for more.

It said something for Harley's taste in men when an obsessive vigilante who dressed up as a giant bat every night was actually a step up. Of course, he still wouldn't take as good care of Harley as she deserved. Maybe... just maybe someone needed a bit of a talk.

"Sure, Harl. Why don't the three of us have... dinner. Or something." Ivy said smoothly. She's dealt with the Bat before. Hell, she'd made out with the Bat on multiple occassions. While he wasn't an murderously abusive psychopath like Harley's now-ex, the Bat obviously had commitment issues and probably couldn't be trusted to keep it in his pants. She conveniently ignored the fact that he always seemed to manage to resist her before she managed to get too far with him. Shirt and boots off was about the most she'd managed to date.

Considering how many scantily clad criminals and crime-fighters there were in Gotham she doubted he'd stay with Harley for long, she reasoned to herself, quite reasonably, using the logic of those willing to overlook the obvious when it was in line with their own world-view. It would be better to hurt Harley now and get her over it quickly, than to let this linger and have it end up being another Joker.

Ivy hugged Harley tighter. Pam was resolved now. For Harley's own good... she had to seduce the Batman.

Scriviner . CH_05a .BFFs2 -_ Ivy&Harley, FeminineWiles, SeduceMistahBee?, Pammie&Hammie, JoinsyThree

"... he keeps resisting my feminine wiles! How can he keep doing that!?" She ranted at Harley, her red hair a disheveled halo and her robe half open. "I mean he has to have drives right? I mean you manage to seduce him with no problems, it should be easy for me, right?! I mean, yes, you're deliciously attractive and charming, but I'm a veritable goddess with chemical assistance on my side!"

Harley blinked, then laughed, "Wait, you were tryin' to seduce Mistah Bee?"

This caused Ivy to sputter to a stop, staring incredulously at Harley, "Wha?"

"Your approach is all wrong!" Harley cheerily informed her. "He doesn't really respond to well to 'subtle'. I mean don't get me wrong, the big lug is brilliant when it comes to criminals and crimes and all that, but you show up in skimpy lingerie and smelling of sex--"

"Which I tried!" She wailed despondently.

"But if you don't actually trap him in a room, then pin him down, tie him up, chain him down and TELL him that he needs to give you some of that hot lovin' that lasts all night long... he's not gonna get it." Harley concluded with a flourish. "See? Wrong appro--" She stopped as her brain caught up with her mouth. "You were tryin' to seduce Mistah Bee away from me?!" She screeched.

Ivy winced, "I wasn't trying to seduce him away from you so much as trying to show you he wasn't good enough for you!"

"Well, he sure showed you, didn't he, Red? He's totally loyal to me." Harley was preening smugly.

Ivy replied sulkily, "You just told me it was because my approach was wrong."

Harley sniffed, "Even if you used my proven working approach, it wouldn't do you any good. Me and Mistah Bee are soul mates." She clasped her hands in front of her, her eyes sparkling with emotion.

The red-headed woman simply stared as her blonde friend drifted off into happy day dreams about her 'Mistah Bee'.

Harley gave a sudden, sharp intake of breath as she realized something and suddenly grabbed hold of Pam's hands, startling the redhead. "Oh, Pammie! I didn't realize!"

"Er... wha?"

"It's so obvious now that I think about it! You're not tryin' to get my Big Bad Bat because you want him!"

"Yes... I just said tha--" Ivy blushed wondering if Harley actually had figured it out.

"You wanted to be with me!" Harley chirped happily.

Ivy's blush had gone incandescent.

"It's so obvious! Everything you've done! You're LONELY!" Harley hugged her suddenly and began wailing, "Awwww! I didn't mean to ignore you just cause I have a new relationship!"

"I... um... that is..."

Harley didn't give her bestest of best friends the opportunity to respond, and suddenly taking hold of her cheeks and gazing soulfully into her eyes, still sniffling slightly. "Just cause I'm in a relationship doesn't mean we're not gonna be best buds anymore! Think about all the time we spent together when I was with Mistah Jay!"

"You spent all that time complaining about him and crying. And stealing my ice cream." Ivy pointed out.

"Ohhh! You wanted it to be just US alone together talkin' bout Mistah Bee!" Harley asked.

"Uh... wait... wha?"

"That sounds great! A healthy relationship comes from being able to spent time apart too, and since Mistah Bee doesn't end up goin' to Arkham on a regular basis or nuffin, all those regular away time things I got used to don't work right anymore." Harley said brightly. "We can do all sortsa fun stuff and I can tell you more about how awesome he is in bed!"

"But that's not what I wa--"

"I got videos too and everything!" Harley continued.

Ivy stared.

Harley rolled her eyes, "Honestly, Red. If all you wanted to do was hang out more, you coulda just said."

"But I was trying to seduce him!" Ivy said trying to catch up to the original point of the conversation.

Harley shrugged. "Same deal. If you wanted to sleep with him, tell me first. I can get him warmed up for ya!" Harley winked.

AndrewJTalon . CH_06a .WayneManor -_ Breakfast, Alfred, Bruce, Steph&Tim, Damian&Barbara, Bambi, Cassandra, HarleyLimps

Forgive the necro, but I promise I have something to make up for it.

- - - - - -

Wayne Manor's dining room was always open and prepared for breakfast promptly at seven o'clock every day. Even if only Bruce was there to enjoy it, Alfred prepared it himself (and with occasional assistance from a Flash or two) for the morning meal.

Alfred, however, had the feeling that this morning the dining room would be packed, and as he approached it bearing trays of food on a cart, he heard voices. He allowed himself a smirk-He still had it.

"So Steph, what did you and Demon Boy get up to last night?" Master Tim inquired, with an undercurrent of resentment.

"We did nothing that concerns you, Drake, and will never concern you," Master Damian retorted.

"Oh, we just watched some Disney movies," Miss Stephanie said. "Did you know he'd never even seen Bambi?"

"Aw! Damian, that was on our to do list!" Master Dick groaned.

"So I would have to endure your crying over a shallow two dimensional rendering of a big eyed venison steak? No thank you, I had to tolerate Fatgirl's tears and hugs and your girly waterworks would have added nothing," Damian said. "I honestly don't see how you people enjoy this tripe, it's absolutely saccharine and about as deep as a thimble-"

"So, he cried at Bambi's mother?" Miss Barbara asked smugly.

"I-I did not!" Damian growled. "I did nothing of the sort!"

"It's true, he didn't," Stephanie said. "Not a single tear."

"Come on Steph, everyone cries at that part," Tim said. "Cass cried at that part!"

"I did," Miss Cassandra confirmed.

"Well I can vouch, on the honor of my sexy purple suit, that he did not shed a tear for that part," Stephanie said.

Alfred peeked into the dining room and caught Damian's smug smirk at the scowling Tim. He also caught Stephanie's evil grin.

"He cried at the end of Toy Story 3."

"I DID NOT!" Damian shouted.

"Ah, well, that's entirely understandable," Dick said with a sage nod.

"Very moving," Cassandra opined.

"Wussss," Tim teased. "Bet you were sobbing away into Steph's sweater."

Damian's eyes narrowed and he allowed himself a smirk. "Where you will never rest your head again."

"Never rested it there period," Stephanie added, which seemed to send a metaphorical arrow right through Tim's back. "Cass though likes resting her head there, doesn't she?"

Cassandra demonstrated, which brought out a red blush on Damian's cheeks, knowing looks between Dick and Barbara, and some sputtering on Tim's part. Alfred nodded and chose to enter the dining room.

"Good morning all," Alfred said. He was greeted warmly in kind. He then efficiently placed the plates in front of each member of the Bat family, saving the last for the head of the table. Alfred took up his customary position next to Bruce's chair, and stood as silent as a statue while the others began to eat.

"So... How's the houseguest?" Tim asked.

"Settling in well," Alfred replied.

"In a grave, I hope," Damian grumbled.

"Now Damian, be nice," Dick said. "She's better than your mother, right?"

Damian stared at Dick. "... This is the same woman who has..." And here the boy shuddered. "... Had relations with the Joker."

"Damian! Not while I'm eating, please!" Steph groaned. Tim pushed his own plate away. Cassandra kept eating.

"Yeah, but now she won't. At least she's obsessed with someone who won't hurt her," Dick suggested.

"Much," Damian growled. "What's taking them so... Long...?"

Damian trailed off, and the others soon saw why. Bruce entered the room... Slowly. He was dressed in his robe, and looked as though he'd gone a few rounds with Big Bad Zogger... But the worst part was that he looked almost relaxed.

He sat down in his chair, and nodded in thanks to Alfred. He took up the newspaper and began to leisurely read through it.

"... Father?" Damian asked.

"Bruce? You all right?" Dick asked.

"I'm fine."

Alfred glanced at Cassandra. As she could read body language the most effectively out of them all...

THUMP

"Cass! Cass, you okay?" Stephanie asked, getting out of her chair to check on her collapsed friend. "Hey! HEY! What's going... On..." It clicked in Stephanie's mind... Then Dick's... Then Tim's. Barbara had been smirking from the time Bruce had entered so it wasn't a surprise to her at all.

"What? What?" Damian asked.

"Bruce... Honey? Sorry I'm late..."

The door to the dining room was once again the object of intense scrutiny, as Harley Quinn, dressed in nothing more than one of Bruce's shirts and (hopefully) some underwear... Limped into the dining room and set herself in Bruce's lap. An action he seemed to tolerate.

"So! Glad to meet the whole brat pack at once!" Harley said cheerfully. "Ah... Sorry about making you wait." She grinned, a radiant glow coming off her skin. "I had a little trouble gettin' out of bed~."

"... I think I brained just now without a... Something," Stephanie managed, as Barbara howled in laughter and Damian slammed his forehead into the table.

Dick, as most children did when confronted with their parents' sex lives, plugged his ears with his fingers and began muttering "It's Popeye the Sailor Man" over and over again. Tim's jaw had met the top of the table and didn't seem to want to leave it.

And Stephanie, managing to put her marbles back together (hey, he wasn't her father figure) thoughtfully removed anything sharp from Damian's vicinity.

Bruce observed their reactions with a flat look, and glanced over at Alfred.

"Now that was just cruel."

"They'll accept it as something good and natural in due time."

"Natural?"

"... More time for that, sir."

- - - - - - -

Scriviner . OMAKE .WayneManor -_ DomesticRules, Rose4Maid, Leslie?, Privacy4Alfred, NicNac, Alfred&Packages

Rift120 said: ↑

Is it wrong for me to picture ALfred being something like a rock star/hearthrob among the professional domestic servent world... to the point that you have young maids sending him sexy pictures and their undergarments.

With each fo the successive robins and batgirls at oen tiem or the other having discovered this while investigating a 'suspicious package to Alfred'? sort of like a rite of passage for the batclan.

Oh lord. This. This would be funny as all hell.

Actually I can imagine much earlier in the relationship when Harley had only just moved into the manor and there were a few necessary domestic rules that had to be laid out for her:

"There is a maid. You probably will never see her, but there is one. If you appreciate her work, leaving a single rose out on the center of your bedsheet in the morning will always gets you an extra mint on the pillow."

"Alfred takes a few hours off Tuesday and Thursday nights. We like to believe he may be doing some sort of community theater or community service. Or perhaps spending time with Leslie. As we value Alfred and his privacy and would never think of following him, or spying or prying and no one, absolutely no one in the Wayne household knows anything about the ownership or management of the Pandora's Box Gentleman's Club on Cheltington. At all."

"The little flying things that patrol the lawn sometimes belong to the gardener. They're mostly harmless, except for the mini-missiles and the pruning shears."

"The caffeinated soda in the second floor pantry is for Barbara when she drops in. Under no circumstances is it to be touched by anyone. Tim still has scars from the prank war of '08."

"All the black towels belong to Damian. He is very particular about anyone using them."

"Cass regularly wanders around naked, or almost naked. Please do not let this alarm you."

"Alfred regularly receives small packages in plain brown paper wrappers. Other than running the packages through a standard chem-sniffer, they are not to be disturbed. Every Robin has learned to their eternal trauma to never investigate these packages. As you seem dead set on wearing a Robin uniform... please do not investigate. When Damian found out, we had to bench him for a week and he wouldn't stop muttering about the 'laciness'. Steph almost got herself killed, falling off the stairs from giggling so hard. Tim claims the package he opened was empty and will repeat this claim in the same mechanical voice every time it is mentioned. Jason still claims that he has completely blacked out all knowledge of what he found. Dick could not stop giggling. Don't. Risk. It."

HeatherWoo . CH_222a .WayneManor -_ Warning; HarleySheerDelivery, BrownPackage, Shreds, BlinkyBlinks, Note


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-



"Alfred regularly receives small packages in plain brown paper wrappers. Other than running the packages through a standard chem-sniffer, they are not to be disturbed. Every Robin has learned to their eternal trauma to never investigate these packages. As you seem dead set on wearing a Robin uniform... please do not investigate. When Damian found out, we had to bench him for a week and he wouldn't stop muttering about the 'laciness'. Steph almost got herself killed, falling off the stairs from giggling so hard. Tim claims the package he opened was empty and will repeat this claim in the same mechanical voice every time it is mentioned. Jason still claims that he has completely blacked out all knowledge of what he found. Dick could not stop giggling. Don't. Risk. It."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-


....those words echoed through Harley's mind as she sat on the floor with both knees and both feet flat on the afore-mentioned floor , a feat that gave a mild underlining to her flexability ( a flexability that had served her and Brucie both very well the previous night). She was wearing her harlequin headpiece and face-paint but below her neck she wore only a baby-doll ensamble that was not merely shear but completely transparent. (The look on the delivery-man's face was forever preserved in the camera-phone that hung around her throat)

She quirked her lips to the left.

She tilted her head to the right.

She quirked her lips to the right and tilted her head to the left.

Through-out she continued to hear those words echoing as she stared at the plain-brown paper wrapped package in front of her.

The situation was hypnotic.


That package was mezmerizing her just by being there in front of her.


It was like they _Wanted_ her to open it.


Slowly of their own accord her arms moved forward, as if they were posessed by poultry-geists or sum-thin'.


If she was very careful and re-sealed every-thing afterward...


That plan quickly went by the way-side as she lost control and shreds of brown paper went flying.


Okay so maybe she needed to work on her self-control and self-dicipline. Impulse control was never her strongest trait. (Besides self-discipline was not nearly as much fun as being disciplined by Mistah Bee)


The wrapping was now gone and she stared at the package itself.


Well, .... in for a Pennyworth , in for a pound-cake...


She slowly openned the box...


With all the anticipation of a small child awaitting Christmas morning she peered over the top of the box...


Harley blinked.


Thirty seconds later she blinked again.


Thirty seconds after that she blinked again.


Then she giggled .


Her giggling picked up in intensity and volume.


She could not help it.


This was the sort of this that had caused her predasesors so much trauma?


Just how uptight were these people?


Abruptly Harley stopped laughing and tilted her head again as she thought about that. Then she nodded her head. If it wasn't for her, Oracle, and Stephanie/Spoiler, the males of the bat-clan were certain to of snapped sooner or later from one self-imposed strain or another.


Still for them to have made such a fuss just because Alfred was mail-ordering ladies' lingerie just showed how much they had to grow-up.


After-all given the amount of stress that he was under constintly dealing with every-thing the poor guy probably needed to feel the silky smoothness next to his skin just to achieve even the slimmest margin of serenity. ...and given that she was a modern psychology professional she knew darn well that there was nothing unhealthy about such affections. (If any-thing she was embaressed that her profession had taken so long to reach acceptance/ enlightenment on the subject)


Then she saw the note...


...TBC...

HeatherWoo . CH_226a .WayneManor -_ Harley&Alfred, EnvelopeBrownBaggie, Admirers, NinjaMaid, Kimiko&Akashiro, ick


scriviner said: ↑

Hehehehe. This looks fine as a snip so far and it does look like the sort of thing Harley would do. I do note a number of spelling issues, which I've cleared out above.

Timing-wise, we'd probably need to set this sometime around the time Harley first moved in. Most likely within a few days of her finally getting Bruce into bed.

Okay by me , and yes I have some troubles with speeling .. er spelling and punctuation but some of them were intentional in an efert ... er effort to come across in a manner that conveyed to the readers the 'Harley-ness' of the piece given her accent and out-look , hence 'poultry-geists or sum-thin'.



I hope that some of the following does not conflict with the plans of others here but I just had to include other parts of the warning notice as well...



.-=-=-=-=-=-



-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-




The envelope was fairly thick , indicating that there was more than a single sheet of paper contained inside. Harley picked it up and untied the string , openned the flap and removed the contents.



At first she had intended to only glance over it, as she fully expected that it would prove to be nothing more interesting than a receipt and the underlying thickness to be a catalogue that was included to entice future purchases, or maybe a frequent buyer gift certificate.


The initial pre-conception was quickly dispersed how-ever as she realized that it was a real actual letter that had been hand-written in a clean feminine style.


Harley had just finished reading the third page and was starting the fourth when she heard a refined voice behing her utter a slightly annoyed "oh bother".


Harley's head jerked around to see Alfred standing behind her with one of his hands alternating between pinching and massaging the bridge of his nose.


"Alfred!" Harley exclaimed. Far from being embaressed at being caught in the act (which would have been pointless to deny given the brown paper confetti all arround her) Harley held up the contents of the envelope in one hand while pointing at it excitedly with the index finger of the other hand. "You have FAN-Girls!!"


For reasons which he would be unable to explain Alfred risked openning one eye and glanced at the newest resident of the manor and , just as he had fully expected , he saw that she was wearing a truely beaming smile together with eyes that were shining brighter than a dozen sptlights at a movie premeire.


"(sigh)"




-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-





Alfred placed a clear glass plate which had a slice of swirled cheese-cake on it in front of Harley. They were both sitting at a small table in one of the kitchens of Wayne Manor.


"So who was this one from?"


Harley paused just as she was about to place the first bite in her mouth. "It was Jih-zeeeeele." she said drawing the name out , still smiling from earlier.



"Oh thank goodness . I was afraid that it was Claudetta again."


Harley paused in mid-bite at that (which serenditiously resulted in the bite of exquisite confectionary lingering on her tongue). "Howl meddy abbmirers dew hue hab?"


"Do not talk with your mouth full," Alfred reproached.


Harley swallowed before repeating herself. "How many admirers do you have?"


"A few."


Harley mulled that over for a moment before smiling again, this time one of a more sly nature.


"They are not all female either are they?"


Normally Alfred was the very definition of the word 'unflappable' but even he expressed a blush as he admitted, "... eh , no."


Harrley's smile became beyond merely 'smug' but she managed to keep it from quite reaching the level of 'predatory'.


"Sows' , what's the story morning glory ?"


"I beg your pardon?"


"Oh I think that you know exactly what I mean."


"Young lady , I would have you know that there are some women who find a mature man to be quite appealing."



"Oh, I understand completely how some girls, ... and some guys, ... "



At this point Alfred again acchieved a slight (but still very dignified ) flush.


"...would find you appealling , even outright sexy... but that does not explain how they know you."


"Even with the cleaning and catering services this job can be a bit much for one person ."


"You mean just because this place has more rooms than an apartment complex?" Harley asked with obviously fake innocence.


"Quite."


"Oh! I bet this has some-thing to do with the ninja-maid, dont it?"


"Ninja-maid?" Alfred asked with to much casualness.


"Yeah, Brucie gave me this."


At that Alfred found himself trying to refocus his eyes on a piece of paper that was suddenly an inch and a half away from his face. Taking the indicated paper Alfred briefly wondered where Harley had had it hidden in that outfit that she was '_almost_' wearing before telling himself that she must have had it in one of the ear-horns of her head -piece and that she had simply some-how removed it with-out his noticing. He refused to consider any other possibilities, he simply refused.


"Ah, yes, just so, her name is Kimiko, or rather their names are Kimiko and Akashiro, and it is odd that you should call them 'ninja-maids' as that is an exactly accurate discription."

"They really are ninja?!"


"Oh yes, one of Wayne Enterprises business dealings went bad and a 'hit' was placed on Master Bruce. The most insulting part was the low price that was involved.

But they neither Kimiko nor Akashiro were the cold-blooded killers that their ninja clan had hoped for and after they made some sincere attempts we negotiated an arrangement with the ninja-clan ; we would keep their ninja 'hostage' and not send the Batman to visit them again in exchange for their keeping us abreast of various developements.

Kimiko and Akashiro were quite pleased with this arrangement since , as I stated, neither of them had the ruthlessness to live up to their families expectations and returning under the cercumstances would have involved punishments of a quite gruesome nature."


"oh, ick."


"Yes, 'ick' indeed. At first a number of other positions were considered for them but it turns out that they both have rather submissive, eager-to-please natures and liked the idea of being maids."

"Wait a minute , I dun'no about the 'Aka-' part but my vast experience in anime viewing tells me that 'Shiro' usually means..."


"Yes, but don't tell the others yet. Master Bruce, Miss Gordon and I are waiting to see who figures it out."


Harley had some trouble breathing after that as Alfred had timed his delivery just as she was taking another bite of cheese-cake and breathing, cheese-cake, and laughter are subjects that cannot be easily multi-tasked at the same time.



...tbc...

HeatherWoo . CH_229a .WayneManor -_ Harley&Alfred, Chitchat, NinjaMaidsFrustrated, Kimiko&AkashiroSurprise


Okay I had most of this waiting for a week and I even included an element in it to explain why the maids might not be there in case Scriviner could not use them in his ideas for the siege of Wayne Manor. When I find that the site renovation is finally finished I was pleased to see that he did seem to like Akashiro and Kimiko enough to include them despite their being mostly OCs. [at least I am guessing that they were two of the three maids we saw pruning the nut-bar brigade with strange.]

So here is my contribution...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It took Harley nearly ten full minutes and three glasses of water to recover from her laughing (and choking) fit . Then just as she was settling down , Alfred 'innocently' asked, "Would you like to get in on the betting pool?".


That this set her off into another uncontrolable fit of laughter should come as a surprise to no-one.

Six minutes later as Harley was trying to again calm down she considered ways that she could get Alfred and her former employer/love-interest trapped together so that she could watch the dignified 'gentle-man's gentle-man' completely 'pwn' the outclassed clown.


"You..." she drew another deep-breath into her aching lungs. "...can be a WiCk-Ed one when you wanna-be cantcha."



"When the situation calls for it." Pennyworth kept his smile mild.


"Okay , so you were not just jerking me around right? There really are ninja-maids?"


"Yes , Kimiko and Akashiro reaaly do exist." Alfred confirmed. "In fact they are a bit mifted."


" I sway-yer , I will go out and get a couple-a dozen silk-roses, heck I will get variety packs in different colours, even black in case they have goth-tastes."


"That is very nice of you Miss Quinnzell but that is not what I meant."


"Please , I may not be Harley Quinn any more but I am still Harley... and what do you mean then?"


"As you wish Miss Harley , and I was referring to how in the short time that they have been employed at Wayne Manor , we have thrown five charity galas and three of them were attacked."


Harley raised a confused eye-brow , clearly waiting for more.


"In all three of the instances where-in the gala was attacked , both of them were co-incidentally enjoying their days off."


"So they missed out on being shot at or taken hostage?"


"Essentially, yes."


"I don't get it."


"They may take pleasure in their roles as maids but they also take pride in their skills as ninja. Then not merely once , or even twice, but three times, they missed out on oppurtunities to display their gratitude and skills."


"Frustrated huh?"


"Precisely. Fortunately two times only involved regular crimminals and the one time that did involve a 'theme villian' it was only Clue-Master so we convinced them that none of the instances counted."



"Wait, Clue-Master? How did Steph re-act to that?"


"Miss Cassandra had to incapacitate her."


"I'll talk to Steph. Once I tell her about my brother she'll realize that there are worse relatives than Clue-Master."


"Oh she knows that from knowing Cassandra , but getting back to the subject of the maids , it got to the point that at the last charity ball Kimiko and Akashiro absolutely insisted on being part of the staff.
Unfortunately for them it went off with-out a hitch just as it was planned. No crimminals, no crazies, just vapid , self-important socio-sensationalists ."


"Bet that frustrated them even more huh?"


"Indeed. In fact it goes to explain their current display of their abilities."

"Waddaya mean?"


"Well you did not notice either of them approaching or that they are standing behind you right now , now did you?"



Sloooooowly Harley turned her head to the left to look behind her.


There , standing very still, was a figure wearing a simple yet striking black-with-white-trim-and-lace maids uniform.


"Whoa!!"


Reflexly Harley tried to jump backwards but she was hampered by two things;
a) she was still in the seated position
...and...
b) the chair that she had been seated on was in the way .


The chair was knocked over and fell with a loud clattering to the floor. The only reason that Harley did not fall on top of it was due to a pair of feminine hands with surprising strength catching her under the arms. Harley looked up to behold a face framed by a maids cap.


"WHOA!!!!"


Adrenaline levitated Harley straight up, before gravity again grasped her and she found her hindquaters impacting on the top of the table.


Arms and legs spread out to the sides Harley did a rapid reversed crab-crawl backing away as fast as she could. It was only Alfred's quick reflexes that prevented her from taking a painfull fall off the other side of the table.

He placed his thumbs in the small of her back and wrapped his hands arround her sides (while the end-tips of his fingers did brush her mammary development , they most definitely did _not_ approach 'groping' territory).


"Whe-whe-where did they come from !?"


In answer one of the maids silently pointed upwards.


Following the indicated direction, Harley saw that two of the tiles in the ceiling were ajar and that there were thin lines stretched from the gaps to the maids.


"Thank you ladies but I believe that Miss Quinnze- er I mean Miss Harley will need some time to acclimate before any further demonstrations."


The two maids ( who had both been wearing mild smiles this entire time) merely gave slight nods before disappearing upwards and the ceiling tiles slid back into place, indistingishable from any of the others.


...tbc...


-=-=-=-=-=-


-=-=-=-=-=-


-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Scriviner . CH_07a .BFFs3 -_ Pam, Stehp&Cass, Girls'NightCaveOut, Blatant, Sleepover, Harley, Pizza&HotWings

A little more on the Pam bits, but I would like to try out some of those prompts as well:

Pam sat stiffly and awkwardly on the couch of what she was fairly sure was some sort of Batcave. Except whoever actually used it tended to leave piles of clothes on the floor.

On either side of her, the two other women in the room were equally wary.

Steph in her Batgirl uniform finally broke the silence. "Is this as weird for you as it is for us?"

Pam sighed and nodded. "Yes."

Cass, wearing her Black Bat mask, but otherwise dressed down in a pair of black sweats and a black tank top sat cross-legged on the other end of the couch. She did her best to seem as though she weren't paying attention, but the way she held the remotes indicated that she was prepared to use them as weapons at a moment's notice.

Silence reigned once more, before Steph spoke up again. "So... how did she convince you to--"

The redhead shook her head and replied, "It was this or have her keep talking at me... and I couldn't take it anymore."

Steph said brightly, "That's usually how she gets Batman to do anything."

Cass added dryly, "And blatant offers of sex."

Pam stared.

Steph snorted, "She's kidding."

Pam blinked, "You have a sense of humor."

"No." Cass said flatly before fiddling with the remotes once more.

Steph said, "I'm really sorry Batman couldn't make it."

Pam shook her head, "As awkward as this is, I think that would have been even worse."

Cass nodded.

Steph would have said something, but at that point Harley burst into the room from the detached kitchenette area bearing a tremendous bowl of popcorn in one hand, a bottle of soda tucked under her arm and a bunch of plastic cups. "Who's ready for a sleepover!? I have 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants', 'Natural Born Killers', 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' and 'Thelma and Louise'!"

The three on the couch met her enthusiasm with silence.

Harley, who had in her short amount of time with the Bats, had gotten used to being met with silence continued on without pause, "It's going to be great! I've got the inflatable mattress inflating and we can do each other's hair and talk about boys, it'll be great! Well, I'll talk about Mistah Bee, but you guys can talk about other boys if you like and Pammie can talk about her plants."

She set her burdens down on the coffee table and would have ruffled Steph's hair had her cowl been down. "And you would look so cute with pig-tails! We're going to have so much fun that Mistah Bee's going to be real disappointed he couldn't make it to dinner with us!"

Cass gave Steph a look which eloquently stated, 'Why are we using my Batcave for this?'

Steph gave a helpless shrug.

Pam simply covered her face with a hand and muttered, "Someone kill me."

Harley simply continued, "And I was gonna order pizzas, but you had us blindfolded when we came here, so I can't tell 'em to bring 'em here, but maybe we could swing by somewhere and pick up a bucket of hotwings or something..."

AndrewJTalon . CH_08a .WayneManor -_ Dick&Damian, Sparring, Psycho&Psyche, TalkingToHer, NormalLike, SleepingArrang

Nice little bit, Scriviner! I enjoyed it considerably.

I think I'll throw up another brief ditty before the Catwoman snippet, though I encourage people to keep writing based on the prompts:

- - - - - -

While Dick Grayson had no biological siblings, he had fallen into the role of big brother easily. First with the Titans, then with Tim, Jason, Cass, and Damian.

Damian, of course, was his current priority as he sparred with him in the Cave.

"It's intolerable-Utterly intolerable," Damian snarled, sending out several quick jabs at Dick's extremities before feinting to allow a Mawashi roundhouse kick aimed for the current Batman's head.

"It's disturbing on the face of it, yeah," Dick replied, ducking the blow and returning a snap kick upwards that Damian deftly dodged. "But the more I think about it, the more I think it'd be good for them both."

Damian somersaulted over Dick's next kick, and handsprung back up to send a fist right for Dick's kneejoint as he fired off another. Dick lifted his leg up, making him unbalanced enough for Damian's next strike to connect but Dick easily recovered and didn't hit the mat. He blocked the next series of attacks from Damian, staying firm and solid.

"How? She's a psychopath, she knows our secret identities. Death, or at the very least imprisonment would be the best course of action."

"Damian," Dick countered, in word and in a snap kick, "have you noticed something about Bruce's mental health?"

"Several things, given the company he is keeping," Damian growled, lunging for Dick to try and catch him as he extended his arm for a high block. Dick trapped Damian's fist and threw him over his shoulder, a maneuver Damian rolled through back to his feet.

"After he stopped the drinking and the hiding, they started talking," Dick explained patiently as they circled one another. "He's talking to her."

"So?"

"He's talking to her, not at her," Dick explained, slapping away a few punches by Damian and spinning out of the way of his follow-up kicks. "I actually saw them talking about a movie they saw. A movie."

"So?" Damian retorted, flipping around Dick to try and stick a kick into his ribs. Dick caught the kick but Damian escaped with a second kick at Dick's wrist.

"They were talking like... Like normal people," Dick emphasized. "It just started out of the blue."

"And that's worth having a psycho in our home?" Damian demanded as he leaped up to try a two-fisted hammer blow to between Dick's shoulder blades. Dick caught Damian by his wrists and swung him forward, slinging him to the mat hard. "GAH!"

"To be honest? I think it is," Dick said with a smile. "I mean, sure, he was slow and unsure of himself but he was at least talking. And frankly, I think that's a good thing. We'll keep an eye on her, of course, but we don't have to up and kill her."

"Hmph. Having 'normal' conversations is a sign something is not normal," Damian growled. "She's done something to him."

"Yes, it's the same thing you want to do to Stephanie," Dick said dryly. "In that file of yours."

"How-?" Damian stopped himself, his cheeks burning red as mortification spread over his face. Dick just grinned.

"A little shot in the dark... But I think I hit my mark."

"I know where you sleep."

"And so does Stephanie. I could have her waiting for you, you know-"

"SHUT UP!"

- - - - - - - -

Yeah, a little ship tease, what do you want?

AndrewJTalon . CH_09a .ArkhamAsylum -_ Dr.Walker, Dr.Doyle, Dr.Young, Joker, COURAGE, HarleyShallow, NarcissisticTwit, BOMB

Catwoman snippet is taking longer than I though it would thanks to school. Ten page essays on Buddhism are not easy when you've only got three days to finish them.

In any event, here's a brief snippet involving the Joker:

- - - - - -

Arkham Asylum had seen the Joker escape so many times that the only person who could really find humor in it was the Joker himself. Not a guard there didn't want to "accidentally" shoot the Clown Prince of Crime, not a nurse didn't wish she could "accidentally" make him overdose on morphine, and not an administrator didn't want to "accidentally have him torn apart by crocodiles kept in the sewers".

To Doctor Walker's credit, he'd gotten as far as bringing Joker down to the sewer entrance with the hungry reptiles waiting on the other side before he'd been caught. He'd had to go and ruin it though by dressing up as Captain Hook. That had been the one credit card charge that had signaled his intentions.

Long story short, Joker's experiences with the staff and guards of Arkham Asylum had gotten the latter to expect death, destruction, mayhem and maniacal cackling when the clown showed up, either to escape or brought in by Batman.

None of their training and experience had prepared them for Joker turning himself in. And even stranger, Joker signing himself up for therapy.

It was so peculiar, as a matter of fact, that the automatic reaction of the doctors was to send in their newest and least experienced psychiatrist: one Doctor Doyle Resch.

He had grown up in the backwoods of Louisiana and had lived on an alligator farm most of his life. He was a tall, strong, freckled young man who was a hard worker and not easily frightened. He'd been recruited right out of graduate school to work at Arkham, for obvious reasons, and was by all accounts an intelligent if inexperienced doctor.

A doctor who was currently cursing every god he could think of that he got stuck with this assignment.

"Come on, it's nothing big," Doctor Young said with an encouraging smile that didn't meet her eyes. They stood outside the therapy room. "Just think of it as wrestling alligators back home."

"I never wrestled the alligators!" Resch protested. "I just farmed them, it's not the same!"

"Just think of him as a snake and you'll be fine," she said. "A psychotic, mass murdering clown snake."

"That's supposed to help?! Where did you get your degree, Acme Looniversity?" Resch demanded. Dr. Young scowled.

"Either do it or you're fired."

"Good! I'll quit!" Resch said flatly, turning to leave.

"You did see the fine print of your contract, right Doctor?" Young said darkly. "Specifically the forfeiture of your pension and all benefits?"

Resch stopped, but he still had his hand on the doorknob.

"... Still not worth going into that room," he decided.

"What do I have to do, offer you my body?" Young sneered.

"That'd be a good start, considering you're sending me in to fight a dragon," he growled back.

Young stared for a moment, before slowly nodding.

"Okay."

Resch blinked. "I'm... Sorry, what?"

"Okay. You win. You get my body, and to do anything you want with me if you go in that room," she said, in as business-like a voice as possible. Only the blush on her cheeks suggested she had something other than the purity of medicine.

Resch's jaw opened and closed several times before he cleared his throat.

"Is... Is that legal? Ethical?"

"Damnit Doyle the Joker is in there wanting therapy!" Young hissed. "If I have to boink your brains out to get you in there then I'll do that! Unless you want me to go in myself? Alone?"

Doyle grumbled as he turned around. "You know, you city women are damn infuriating. You'll play on my chivalry while offering your body."

"DOYLE!"

"Okay, okay! I'm going, I'm going," Doyle said as he headed for the door to the therapy room. He ignored the smirks of the guards and took a deep breath before he opened the door. He entered it, and saw the Joker sitting on the couch like a perfectly normal, non-mass murdering human being.

"Hey! You're new!" The Joker said with a broad smile. "Nice to meet you, kiddo! What's your name?"

"I'm Doctor Resch," Doyle replied. He walked over and sat down in the chair.

"Women problems?" The Joker asked, waggling his eyebrows. Doyle mentally frowned. The clown himself, personality aside, looked grotesque but not exactly evil or threatening.

Then again, neither did an alligator before it struck.

Well... Here goes nothing, he decided.

"You can relate, I take it?" Doyle asked in a carefully neutral tone. Joker threw out his arms in disbelief.

"Exactly! That is precisely why I am here! Women! Can't figure them out! Can't live with them... Can't shove a bomb up their cute asses when they're not around!"

The Joker looked to Doyle. "I thought about asking some of the other Rogues for help, of course, but they're mostly dateless losers. How can I get relationship advice? And then I thought, 'Me, where can I get some help for this considering I need to get inside Harley's empty skull.'" Joker brightened. "And then it hit me! ARKHAM ASYLUM! That's where the empty headed buffoons all are!"

"In fairness, I think you're a bit biased given Harley," Doyle returned calmly. "She was a bit... Shallow."

"A bit? A BIT?! She's incredibly shallow!" Joker raged. "I thought we had something, all the laughs in the world! I showed her the sights, showed her the ropes, showed her the bombs and pies and even my old gags that punks laughed at and I shot them for it! Ah, good times, good times..." His eyes narrowed dangerously. "But then... That ungrateful whore has to go RUN OFF WITH BATMAN!"

The Joker got up and threw the couch with psychotic strength into the wall. Doyle winced, but managed to stay calm and motioned to the guards to stay outside.

"BATMAN! BATMAN! My arch enemy, my favorite source of laughs, he steals her away and carries her off and she just goes along with it! Can you believe the cheek?!" The Joker looked to the side with raised eyebrows. "It'd almost be funny if it wasn't so sick!"

Joker spun around and looked at Doyle almost imploringly. "So Doc, tell me. What do I have to do? Wacky montage? Dress up in a cape and cowl? Buy spandex and body armor to attract her attention? Or maybe I should just skip right to the grand finale!" He grinned and held up a stick of dynamite, and cackled maniacally.

Doyle stared for a while... Before he slowly made his last vows and took a deep breath. If he was going to die, he'd do it like a man.

"I think, frankly, you're a narcissistic twit."

Joker stopped laughing. He slowly looked back at Doyle. The doctor felt himself break out in a cold sweat, but met his gaze evenly.

"You turned Harley into your plaything and slave. You might have genuine feelings for her, I don't know, I can't read your mind but I can read your behavior. You use her and abuse her like a toy. So when you lose her to someone else, it's not so much about her as it's about losing. Period."

He took another deep breath, and the Joker remained silent. "You need to be feared, to have attention paid you by Batman, by victims, by Harley. So when you lose that attention, when you're ignored and left behind you're nothing. That's the whole point of being a clown, right? You need the laughs..."

Another thought occurred to Doyle, just as he regretted never going to see the Himalayas. "Because nothing else will do. Affection, love, friendship-They're all foreign concepts, you can't understand them so you tear them down and try to make them into a joke because, as a clown, you are forever isolated from the rest of humanity. You're not a stand up comic, you're a clown, you can't comment on the human condition: You can only make a mockery of it."

Joker was now grinding his teeth. Doyle kept going though-Hey, he was on a roll and he might as well get it all out before death.

"So if Harley left you it's because she recognized you for what you are-Only after the next laugh to sustain you because without attention, you're nothing. Just some freak in a purple suit."

"Why you little... You know nothing... You speck of crap, do you know who you're talking to?!" Joker fairly shrieked. He lunged for Doyle, who narrowly managed to dodge out of the way.

"Maybe you should try a bit of self reflection, Joker!" Doyle managed breathlessly. "Why do you do what you do? Is that enough?"

"OF COURSE IT'S ENOUGH! I AM EVERYTHING! AND NO ONE CAN IGNORE ME, YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME! NO ONE CAN!" Joker snarled.

"Except Harley," Doyle said. Joker snarled and threw the chair, grazing Doyle. The doctor went down, and the guards tried to get in while Joker blocked the door. The clown returned to the injured Doyle, hands flexing with a snarl.

"You've got quite the mouth, kiddo," Joker snarled.

"If I'm going to die, I'm gonna do it like my daddy did," Doyle said.

"What, playing with a cattle prod?" Joker mocked as his hands reached for the doctor's neck.

"Yes."

Joker froze. He stared at the doctor. "What?"

"Yes. You got it right. That's how he died," Doyle said quickly. "In the shower."

Joker blinked. "You're joking."

"Look who's talking," Doyle returned.

The door was broken down and the guards opened fire. Joker nimbly dodged out of the way, slammed the dynamite into the wall, and set it off.

KABOOM!

"WELL! Bit of a dud session but I feel better! We'll have to do this again, Doc!" Joker called, as he jumped through the hole out into the bay. Doctor Young rushed in as the guards ran to the hole and fired down on the escaping clown. She checked on Doyle.

"Are you all right?" She asked.

"I think... I broke my arm," Doyle groaned.

"And your head," Young growled. "What were you thinking?"

"That I was going to die," the man groaned.

"You're lucky he didn't just kill you!"

"Yep," Doyle said with a nod.

Young frowned. "... Doyle, didn't you do a session with Doctor Crane a week ago?"

"Yes... Why? Doesn't he provoke fear-?"

"Yes, but he was caught trying to make an anti-fear drug this week and..." Young blinked. Resch blinked.

"Oh."

"Oh."

"... So, I'm going to start freaking out soon?" Doyle asked.

"Probably," Young confirmed. "Mmph?!"

Doyle kissed her deeply, and broke it. "Mwah. That's the anti-fear toxin. I want to have a good memory before breaking down into a gibbering pile of limbs." He trembled.

"Uh... Fair enough," Young said with a red face. She then sniffed.

"I think it's wearing off," Young said delicately.

"N-No kidding..."

- - - - - -

Joker scowled as he made his way to his boat. His henchmen were waiting and provided a towel to him as he pulled himself up onto deck.

"Uh... Good session Boss?" One asked.

Joker sat down on a barrel of explosives and got into the thinker position. "Hmmm... Nope! Not helpful in the least except..."

"Except what?" Asked another.

"Let's see... What did he say... Yadda yadda... Attention... AHA! That's the key! Attention!" Joker said with a grin. "Let's go win back my girl, boys! By getting her attention!"

"Yes boss," his henchmen answered dutifully, as they drove off. Joker smiled cheerfully.

"Ahhh... Denial. Is there nothing I can't do without you? I can even do Egypt! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHHAA..." He trailed off and scowled at his henchmen. They dutifully laughed back.

- - - - - -

Yeah, bit more serious than I wanted it to be but my muse had a gun to my head.

Damar . CH_10a .IcebergLounge -_ CommunalGame, ChitChat, Penguin, TwoFace, KillerMoth, Jervis, Bane, DnD

"Rather quiet tonight, Cobblepot. Like a dead man's tomb." The Iceberg Lounge was deserted, the bar unattendend and almost every table had chairs stacked atop, save for one in the middle where a number of men were seated around taking part in a communal game not for outsider eyes.

"A little discretion seemed in order. A proud bird like myself should take steps to avoid being seen with the criminal elements partaking in such game, lest he loses his plumage of respect in public. And I believe it's your call what to do with the bank owner."

"We'll shiv the bastard in the throat! By the way, anyone heard about Harley Quinn?"

"Than you should go for the attack. And yes, I've heard. Apparently the clown's doormat changed her tastes from bright chaos to dark seriousness. I almost feel sorry for the nocturnal rodent. Ah, and I see you got two, as always. You fail at the task. Perhaps you should change your method of playing my double-minded friend."

"Go to hell. We're afraid we can't change or else I'd be a upstanding citizen by now."

"Hah! Upstanding! That's funny Harv! And seriously man, who cares about that chick, not like she's anything more than a messed up groupie." The Penguin and Two-Face looked at their newest member in their game, recruited at the last moment because Freeze got arrested at the last moment. This was the only reason they tolerated Killer Moth in their presence, who wasn't even the original but another out of depth loser who thought he could make a name with just a suit in Gotham. He would learn, sooner or later, it took more to be more than just another red smear on the asphalt.

"Hrm. Let's see how funny we are." Two-Face took out his silver dollar and flipped it, waiting for the scarred side to come on top. It didn't and the former DA sighed.

"What was that?" Killer Moth asked.

"Your lucky day." And than Two-Face punched the amateur-villain in the face, who felt it right through the armored plating and was thrown back into his chair that tipped over. Scrambling in shock, he looked over to Two-Face who shook his hand a little bit and ignored the bruised knuckles. "Wha...what the hell was that for!"

"We wanted to shoot you first. But the coin disagreed. Now let's move on, I think it's Jervis's call now. Jervis?"

The little man with the big hat had looked saddened. He too heard the news about Harley. She was the closest thing to Alice Jervis could be near to without getting maced or learning firsthand what 'MMA' taught to young women these days. At least there was the hope of Joker going too far, or at least further than normal, and than Harley would be his. Now she belonged to the Bat, a man who refused to die despite Jervis's best attempts and those of many others.

Suddenly he perked up. Maybe this time, with everybody involved, it could work. The Bat would be distracted by the lush blonde hiar, and the clown would be infuriated. Perhaps with a little planning, he and those willing could succeed where they failed again and again. He grinned, revealing the buckteeth that made him the target of so much bullying in his youth that drove him to the security of Wonderland.

"One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back!"

"A poetic rampage. But it will depend on the fates. And they seem to shine on you! Well done Jervis. Your Vorpal Sword indeed leave the bank owner beheaded. Which brings us to our South-American friend who you just deprived of another man to break."

They all turned to the elephant in the room, or better said the 6-foot 8 and 400 pounds weighting berserker who could murder them all on a whim with his bare hands and not even use a drop of the strength-enchancing Venom. He seemed to be pondering though it was hard to see through the lurchador-type mask.

"Regarding the hembra arlequín...I have once broken the Bat...but I think she will break the Man." A contemplative silence followed. "And oh, Osito the Thief attempts to lockpick the owner's safe stashed with gold." Bane threw the twenty-sided dice.

"Ah, it seems you got a two...twenty! A succesfull roll my brawling companion!" The Penguin proclaimed, ignoring Two-Face grinding his teeth.

"Si. I'm a natural."

AndrewJTalon . CH_11a .JokerLair -_ PinkiePushy, Bullets, JokerPeeved, Plans, SmileX, PanCakes, HenchWench

*DEAD OF LAUGHTER THANKS*

Hahahahaha! Fantastic! I suspected what they were up to from the start but I thought it was Monopoly. Excellent bait and switch.

I think I want another shot at Joker's reaction. Last one was a bit too much about the alligator-wrestling psychiatrist, let's get into Joker more:

- - - - - -

Joker sat down on his bed with a scowl. He turned to his Pinkie Pie plushy and held up his gun.

"I can't believe it... She even forgot to buy the ammunition! How did I know putting her in charge of the ammo payments?! She can keep track of the finances and the shopping, this seemed easy enough..."

The Joker growled and picked up his plushy. "Even you can manage your finances... Unless you leave it up to those bakers. Those cupcakes were a delicious idea, by the way, I should totally try that with Gordon's daughter!" Joker giggled to himself. "Dye her head rainbow colors, see what Batman thinks of... Of... ARRRGGHHH!"

Joker fired his gun into a nearby mannequin with a Batman cape and cowl upon it. It clicked, and Joker resorted to throwing it into the smiling face of the mannequin.

"Grrr... That's it! No more mister nice clown!" Joker grinned. "Oh, I know what I'll do! I'll hold the city ransom with a SmileX bomb! No, several SmileX bombs! That'll lure them in and I'll see their dead grinning faces, the happy couple..."

Joker ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Urrrgh! No NO NO! Then I'll just be reacting to Harley!" He stood up and eyed Pinkie Pie. "First rule of being the man? Ignore the woman unless she's actually right. The dating's over with, the relationship is off!" He sniffed the air and scowled. "The pancakes are burning!"

"Sorry boss," Hench One called. "I forgot about them when you went off to Arkham."

"GO OUT AND GET MCDONALDS THEN!" Joker roared. "Don't bother me, I'm THINKING!"

"No problem boss," Hench Two called.

The Joker paced in his room, rubbing his cheeks. He picked up a cigar, lit it, and resumed pacing. Revenge was great, but if he originated it then he'd be ribbed by the Iceberg Crowd forever as the desperate ex! It was bad enough he was getting comparisons made to that Twilight garbage, though killing the cast off by draining their blood, radiating it, injecting it into orphans and then feeding their bodies to kittens was sounding like a good idea.

Well a good start anyway...

"OF COURSE!" The Joker cried. "I'll just kill the entire Iceberg Crowd and nobody will rib me about Harley again!"

The Joker paused, and rubbed his chin. "No, wait, can't do that. Tabletop Saturday is up and I wouldn't have anyone to play with... DAMNIT BATMAN!"

Honestly, he'd never been the one broken up with! It was frankly intolerable! Annoying! He wasn't heartbroken, of course-That was for saps-But he was feeling like murdering the hell out of something.

Like, way more than usual.

"Pinkie Pie, I'm at the bottom of the barrel," Joker sighed. He picked up the pink pony and stared into it's plastic eyes. "What have you got?"

There was silence. Joker grinned.

"OF COURSE! Business as usual! I'll just snap up a new henchwench, continue on my way like nothing's happened, and ignore that little two timer!" Joker frowned and rubbed his chin.

"That or go to STAR Labs steal a dimensional teleporter find your universe and turn you and Twilight Sparkle into my henchwenches after turning your other friends into cupcakes." Joker scratched his head. "... Naaaahhh, save that for next month." He stood up and grinned.

"Look out Gotham! The Joker's putting on his HAPPY FACE!"

- - - - - -

norjc . CH_12a .CemeteryHill -_ Alfred, WayneGraveStones, Lady, Therapy, Maniac&Melancholy, SomberChat, Harley

How about an Alfred/Harleen moment?

------

“I got one question,” Harleen Quinzel said to the Dark Knight. “I've been nothing but trouble. How come you've been so nice to me?”

“I know what it's like to try to rebuild a life,” the Batman said. Then he held up a bag and drew out the dress she had purchased with her own money before all the trouble of the past day had begun. “I had a bad day too, once,” he explained, his mood somber and melancholy.

Ecstatic, she took the dress and hugged it. Then she immediately saw how sad he was and, for the first time ever, her heart went out to him. Standing on her tiptoes, Harley gently kissed him on his cheek and murmured, “Nice guys like you shouldn't have bad days.”

#

The brisk breeze from the edge of the cemetery chilled Alfred Pennyworth through his trench coat right before he heard a woman’s voice carry on the wind.

Alfred had gone to the cemetery at an early hour to ensure that the gravesite had been cleaned and prepared for Master Bruce and his family to come and pay their annual respects. Now, though, he came upon a figure standing in the shadow of the massive headstone that stood sentinel over the remains of his former employers and dear friends and was gobsmacked.

She was a trim woman, petite in stature who stood over their graves. She wore a broad black hat on top of her head of shoulder-length brunette hair along with a black trench coat, stocking clad, muscular, yet feminine legs, and sensible ebony pumps. When the grace of her form reminded him so much of Martha’s appearance, Alfred’s heart ached.

Apparently, the woman hadn’t noticed his approach because she remained facing the Waynes' monument and continued speaking. As the gentlemen’s gentleman discreetly moved behind a nearby crypt, he heard her speak with an educated woman’s sense of confidence albeit with a slight trace of Brooklyn accent. “… told your son I had a crazy idea that the homicidal maniac I had ruined my entire career for was not the right man for me.”

The woman paused for a moment while she appeared to gather her thoughts. Then she said, “I guess that's when it finally hit me smack in the head that I'd done some terrible things with my life and I was more screwed up than any of the members of my own family had ever been." Then she paused for a moment and added, "Well...just barely. Oh, well...after that, I truly wanted to change, to rebuild my life. I worked hard with my therapist and was released. I was so proud of myself! Then on my first day of freedom, everything went into the crapper--pardon my French! I had a really bad day--why I almost bought the farm! Luckily, your son saved my life once again even though I’d caused him nothing but trouble the whole day. I'm embarrassed to say I even vomited on his clothing! Even after all of that, he was still nice to me and told me he knew what I was going through because he’d had a bad day too, once.”

The woman peered up into the sky for several heartbeats before she stared at the gravestone once more. “When I saw your portraits in his home and conducted my own research about you, I finally knew what he'd meant by having a ‘bad day.’ I guess what happened to you is what made him be the big-bad-bat and sends him after the bad people...people like who I used to be.”

She raised her voice a bit and said, “Dr. Wayne, you wouldn't know it but I was a psychiatrist. A'int that a kick in the head? Yeah, I know...I know...I guess I sold myself short and allowed a wacko--my medical term for Mistah J--Oops! Begging your pardon, I meant the Joker--to turn me into his minion. You see, I was so screwed up I'd confused obsession for a bottomless pit who'd never stop craving attention, for love."

"Now, your son loves freely and deeply; he just has a hard time expressing it because he fears he’ll lose it. Thus, he takes everything so seriously he has no time to seek any joy. Mrs. Wayne, I bring him joy. I don’t press him to give more than he can. I just want him to be happy. And if I have to be a blonde bimbo to bring him that…well, I suppose that’s a small price to pay for the man who's helping me rebuild my life.”

The woman then knelt down in front of the head stone and placed a pair of roses on the grass below it. Then she straightened up and said, “Well, I’m happy I finally had the opportunity to meet you both. I know you’re proud of the man your son has become; he’s touched so many people and has saved so many lives. Everything he’s done honors you both.”

She began to turn to leave. Then she suddenly stopped and whirled back to face their gravestone once more. “Oh, I wonder if you’d do me a favor? Please don’t tell your baby boy I’d come to see you today. It would just screw with his head and make him all paranoid. I just wanted you to get to know the real me. Although I’m still a work in progress, I'm getting better. Rest in peace, Dr. and Mrs. Wayne, and please know I’ll take good care of Bruce. That’s a promise from the bottom of my heart!”

After she strolled toward the cemetery exit, Alfred stepped out from behind the edifice where he’d concealed himself. He stood there listening to the wind as his mind stirred, wrestling with the unseen. Harleen’s, not Harley’s, he was certain of that, exchange with the spirits of his old friends had meant something, more than what had been on the surface.

Then it struck him. She had disguised herself, taken steps to keep anyone who knew Harley Quinn or Harleen Quinzel from associating herself with Master Bruce. She had come to seek Thomas and Martha Wayne’s blessing of her association with their son. And, unbeknownst to Mistress Harleen, she had proven to him that she loved the boy he had raised into a man on behalf of Master Bruce’s mother and father.

When he approached the monument to their lives, he no longer felt the bite of the wind as he watched Harleen Quinzel go with a sad smile on his face.

Scriviner . CH_13a .Gotham -_ Dick&Barbara, TheConversation, SlumberParty, Harley&Pam, Humming, BatPoleGoodiness

This was NOT what I originally was setting out to write, but somehow this wormed its way past the other story snippet ideas. It also ended up... weirder than originally planned, but anyway:


Dick slipped into the room silently. Not that it kept him from the attention of the room's sole occupant. He'd been picked up by the security system no less than a dozen times since his approach. The only reason the intruder suppression systems hadn't dealt with him was that the one in charge wanted him to make it on his own two feet. He carried an important package after all.

"You're late, Former Boy Wonder." She said distractedly, not bothering to turn from the bank of holographic displays.

"Mugging on 43rd." He said, peeling the mask off his face.

"Oh, I knew that." She said with a negligent gesture. "I was just mentioning that you were late. In case there was any doubt about why I'm annoyed."

He smirked, "You really shouldn't be so cold to the one bringing you your fix."

She whirled her wheelchair around and raised an eyebrow at him. She growled with mock displeasure. "You are not seriously going to hold my package hostage? Not when you're half an hour late."

He held up the small tupperware container and held it just tantalizingly out of her reach. "They're nice and fresh. Still warm..." He added in a sing-song voice.

"I can put your name and face on the National Sex Offender Registry in under a minute. Do not test me." She wheeled towards him and snatched the container away, cuddling the warm plastic to her chest and making cooing noises. "My preciousssss..."

He laughed and leaned against a nearby table. "They're good, but they're not that good, Babs."

She frowned at him as she opened the container. Her face smoothed out as she gave a reverent pause to inhale deeply of the contents. "Blasphemy, Grayson." She tutted him primly. "You only think that way because you could have them anytime you wanted when you were growing up."

"Well, anytime Alfred decided to make some." He conceded.

Babs fished out a single perfect chocolate chip cookie. She stared at it for a long second before taking a slow, lingering bite of the chewy, chocolatey goodness. She moaned in ways that made Dick's temperature rise.

"These should be a controlled substance." Babs said happily as she licked the crumbs off her fingers before carefully resealing the container to preserve the freshness of those that remained.

Dick grinned, "I'll let Alfred know you were pleased."

"Very pleased." Babs agreed, swinging her chair back into position, "The world can now breathe a sigh of relief once more, now that I am appeased."

"So what are you working on that's got you so distracted you couldn't stop by the mansion to pick your own cookies up?" Dick asked. He squinted at a label on one of the images floating before her. "Surveilance?"

Babs nodded, fighting down the urge to open the container for another cookie and settled for tapping her fingers on its top. "Slumber party."

Dick eyed her dubiously. "I know you sometimes consider the right to privacy more of a guideline than something that applies to you, but that's a little extreme, don't you think?"

Babs gestured at the display which expanded a surveillance camera feed enough for Dick to see everyone clearly. She said, "Not when you consider the participants."

"Is tha--?"

"Harley and Ivy, Cass and Steph."

"Doing a slumber party." Babs said with a nod.

"Steph's wearing her old Robin mask and headband with her pajamas." Dick said, not quite knowing what else to say. "That have Bat-symbols on them."

"Harley knows who she is, but Ivy doesn't. So she and Cass kept their masks on."

"But not the cowl." Dick said slowly.

"No. Harley insisted."

"I'm guessing so she could braid Steph's hair."

Babs nodded, "It actually turned out rather nicely. Harley's pretty good at it. Who knew?"

"They also had a chance to paint each other's toe nails." Dick said slowly.

"I'm a little surprised that Cass agreed, but she seems to like the black polish."

Dick continued to stare. "How did this happen?"

"Harley was planning on bringing Ivy to meet with Bruce for some rooftop takeout."

"What?" Dick sputtered.

Babs seemed amused, "Because the last time they tried to have a sit down dinner at a private room in the Iceberg, Ivy tried to seduce Bruce away from Harley by drowning him in pheromones."

"Why am I only hearing about this now?" Dick's face twitched into a smile.

"Bruce has been pretending it didn't happen. Harley figured he'd only agree to meet Ivy again somewhere out in the open, but then that message from Ra's came in and Bruce had to leave town on short notice."

"Convenient." Dick chuckled.

"I thought so too." Babs replied with a smirk, before shaking her head. "Steph had to deliver the message, which ended up with Harley getting very pouty and unhappy..."

"Steph ended up feeling sorry for her, didn't she?"

"For all the things Harley's done, she's like a puppy that's been kicked one time too many." Babs said sourly. "Somehow it turned into a sleepover, and since Steph didn't have her own place..."

Dick finished, "They ended up going to Cass' satellite Batcave."

Babs nodded then pointed back to the screen, "So now I'm finding out way more about IVy and Harley than I ever thought I'd want to know."

Dick's eyebrow quirked, "Like?"

"They have Thelma and Louise memorized. They've been reciting the lines at the movie the whole time it's been playing. Apparently they used to do girl's movie night a lot whenever Joker was locked up."

"Imagine that." Dick said neutrally. "So what do you think about all of this?"

She sighed, "On the one hand she's as much a victim of the Joker as anyone else... but I'm a little uncomfortable with it. Bruce is trusting your identities and lives to someone with a track record of making extremely bad decisions."

"I know, but at the same time, you notice how... focused she is on him? And how much happier he's been since this started? I mean after he got over the drinking and the denial."

She shrugged, "I know. I caught him humming on the comm while he was on patrol the other night. I'm going to try to be supportive, but I have the Lady Shiva on speed dial to cripple her if she hurts him."

Dick winced at that.

"Oh, by the way, you'll probably be glad to know," Babs said after a moment, "That you got here after Harley got done talking about her sex life."

Dick froze.

"She was going on in fairly..." she paused to find the right word before settling on, "Lurid. And graphic. And detailed."

"I don't want to know." Dick said flatly.

"Steph you will notice is still blushing. That's also why Cass is trying to ignore them." Babs said, finally giving in to pluck another cookie from the container.

"I'm glad I missed it then," Dick replied.

Babs face lit up at the expression on his face. "Well, she keeps going back to the topic. I'm sure if you watch long enough she'll mention it again."

"I think it's time to get going, then." He said, putting his mask back in place.

"I think it's something she ate." Babs said with a small smirk.

"What do you--?"

"Bat-sausage."

"You did not just say that." Dick stared at her in shock.

Babs leaned back in her seat, steepling her fingers. "It is kind of interesting the effects after Bruce has... hmm... relations with his villains, don't you think?"

"Where did that come from?" Dick asked in confusion.

"No, I was just thinking about it when Harley was going on and on about the size of his--"

"Do not finish that sentence." Dick snapped.

She smirked. "It's just... well whenever Talia manages to get some from him she starts defying Ra's. Catwoman started doing vigilante activities after they went out. Now Harley's running around in your old costume..."

"You're not seriously thinki--"

"Meanwhile Ivy's only managed maybe first base with him so far and is still a criminal, but she got a lot less homicidal after it." Babs continued, nibbling on her cookie as she savored the dawning horror on Dick's face.

"You are not sugge--"

"I'm just saying," she interrupted him, still keeping an amused ghoulish grin on her face, "Apparently a ride on the bat-pole is a life-changing experience that makes you fight on the side of good."

"Agh!" Dick said with a petulant, disgusted expression. "I'm not listening to you anymore."

"It's an obvious pattern," She said with exagerated innocence. "We might want to consider having him sleep with more villains and see if they reform too."

"I hate you." He ground out.

"Like Granny Goodness."

"Now I'm going to need to take up drinking to erase that image from my mind." Dick said, gagging.

She grinned. "Next time, don't be late with my cookies, Grayson."

"That's just mean." He mock pouted.

AndrewJTalon . CH_14a .Gotham -_ Ra'sAlGhul, DEFCON2, Batman&Talia, Damian&Stephanie, Bride?, Courtship, 1stWife&Concubine

Hmmm... It is better, but the feel of it is still a bit off. Admittedly that's probably just my own personal taste, so don't feel obligated to change it just for me. The dialogue still feels a bit stiff but otherwise it's good.

@scriviner: Your bit is absolutely hysterical! Great job! I will now forever be unable to not giggle when I see or hear the word "bat-pole". Thanks a lot.

Well, given Ra's did summon Batman, I guess it behooves me to write something about it.

- - - - - - -

When Ra's al Ghul showed up in Gotham, the entire Bat family usually went on the alert. Bruce defined it as "Defcon 4". Numerous safeguards and protocols were implemented, from constant wearing of costumes in the Bat Cave to sealing off all non-essential exits. It was the protocol of a man prepared for a siege on his city and with Ra's al Ghul this was appropriate.

Even now, Nightwing, Red Robin, Robin, Huntress and Black Canary were waiting in the Batmobile, Batjet, and Redbird vehicles to storm the meeting place Ra's had chosen-The Nicholson Street Chapel on Cape Carmine. It was an older church that overlooked the waterfront, one of the few historical landmarks from the 1700s to have survived the earthquake.

Batman entered the old chapel with care from the roof, mentally replotting every entrance they had scanned. His Detective Mode vision was on, and revealed Ra's, what looked like Talia, and a number of DEMON agents in hidden positions around the sanctuary. He dropped in through a skylight, gliding to a silent landing, and stood up. Ra's was standing by the altar, his daughter dutifully next to him.

Ra's looked, as usual, reserved, while Talia looked... Almost amused?

"Ah, Detective," Ra's said. "I greet you. It has been some time since we last clashed. I am pleased to see the reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated."

"Mark Twain," Batman identified, wondering if the quote had some hidden significance.

"I met him once. For an American he had an... Interesting insight into the world," Ra's said. "I preferred Tesla. Pity he was celibate, a great waste of his talents."

Batman gave nothing away. Neither did Ra's. Talia broke the tension, after... Rolling her eyes at her father?

What...?

"But enough about the past. I am here concerning the future," Ra's said gravely. "Your son, Damian."

"What about him?" Batman growled.

"He is my grandson as well. I have a right to intervene when I feel his future is involved," Ra's said.

"You tried to implant your mind in his body," Batman said with deadly intent barely restrained. "As far as he and I are concerned you are not family."

"The last desperate attempts of an old man to retain his life, when far easier methods of prolonging it were available," Ra's dismissed. "What you see before you is a cloned body. My exposure to the Lazarus Pits has been minimal, my memory and mind are far clearer. To endure for so many centuries is to make one fear death, and fear a lack of legacy." He fixed a pointed glare on Batman. "You continue to deny me such a legacy."

"For good reason," Batman said. "You said something about the future?"

"I did, yes," Ra's said. "It concerns another of your proteges, Stephanie Brown."

Batman didn't let any emotion show, but Talia let slip a bit of... Amusement?

"What about her?"

"My grandson is enamored with her," Ra's said. "I wish to know of her suitability as a bride."

Batman was silent for a time, only managing to keep his cool thanks to the fact Talia's lips were twitching as she tried to restrain a smile.

"It is an old custom, Detective, but you are a father to your clan as I am a father to mine," Ra's said. "Parents should be aligned in matters of marriages."

"I leave such things up to my children," Batman said. "Perhaps you should try it."

Ra's snorted. "Your eldest has left one woman at the altar, broken the heart of many others, and cannot settle down. I, on the other hand, have been married several times for several centuries. I feel I have the greater experience in such things."

Batman was silent, reluctant to concede the point. He was glad Barbara wasn't directly contacting him right now, and that Harley wasn't watching-He didn't think he'd be able to restrain a laugh hearing their commentary.

Ra's al Ghul, Matchmaker...

"You and I both know her history," Batman pointed out.

"Yes, but I wish to hear it from you, Detective," Ra's said. "Indulge an old man's adherence to tradition."

"She has overcome many obstacles, including death and my own disapproval, to become a hero," Batman decided upon. "She has earned the right to be Batgirl."

"Ahh... The willful daughter," Ra's said, glancing at Talia. "We are both familiar with that."

Talia raised her eyebrows slightly, but said nothing else. Ra's returned his gaze to Batman.

"Then I give leave for courtship to commence," Ra's said. "She will, of course, be trained in the proper ways of a wife of a Ghul."

"I handle my affairs, Ra's. You handle yours," Batman growled.

"Would you not leave that up to your children, Detective?" Ra's asked. Talia stepped between them, raising her hands.

"Beloved, mistakes have been made between us. Father is willing to start making amends, as best they can be made. Would you not allow him the chance?" She held her hands together over her chest. "For me?"

Batman gave her the most incredulous look he could manage. Talia actually pouted.

"What about your new concubine, hm?"

"That's different. Only a fool would trust all his enemies after giving one former one the benefit of the doubt," Ra's said flatly. Batman and Talia looked at him, and Ra's shrugged. Talia and Batman looked back at each other, and Batman could detect a hint of bemusement with her father he'd never seen before.

"He has a point," Batman said.

"We will be looking into her all the same, Beloved. Would you not prefer it be done under your terms?" Talia asked. "He is my son too, despite everything."

"... Talia will be the only one allowed. She will be constantly watched," Batman decided.

"As is proper for the mother of the man to interview the prospective bride," Ra's said with a nod. "I am glad we could come to such an arrangement, Detective." He nodded to Batman. "I will leave you alone to speak." He walked for the doors, and exited, leaving Batman and Talia alone... Save for the DEMON agents. Given they were female though, it was doubtful they were Ra's.

"... What's going on with him?" Batman asked flatly.

"Everything is as he has said, Beloved. A secret program of his to give himself a new body," Talia said patiently. Her lips twitched. "He has simply had to... Revise his plans somewhat."

Batman stared. Talia smiled.

"The recent findings that global warming is a fraud, Beloved. Or at the very least, wildly exaggerated."

"Ra's' main concern was always power," Batman said flatly.

"Yes, but my father is not beyond deception. He is... Most displeased with the, as you call them, 'green movement'? And has decided to focus on more practical affairs, such as consolidation of his empire." She raised her eyebrows. "Under my terms, of course."

"Why do I suspect you had something to do with his change of heart?" Batman asked rhetorically. Talia just continued to smile.

"He is acting as a father to me at last. I am not complaining." She came close and rested her arms against his chest. "And neither should you."

"I'm currently involved," Batman said flatly.

"Under our customs, Beloved, I am the First Wife. You are allowed to have concubines," Talia said. She raised her eyebrows. "In fact, it is encouraged." Impish smile. "Especially if she can get you to... Lighten up."

Batman restrained a lip twitch. "... I will allow you access to Stephanie. Under my terms."

"Do not worry. Under my tutelage, she will become the best wife possible to Damian," Talia said with a cheerful smile. "And, if she can manage it, First Wife and mistress of his household!"

"One step at a time, Talia," Batman said flatly.

"Of course Beloved, of course..."

- - - - - - -

Geez, more Steph/Damian shipping? And a somewhat reformed Ra's al Ghul? My muse is on something but I'll be damned if I can figure out what.

All the same, this is essentially an open universe so expand it as you like.

More Harley/Bruce shenanigans next time, along with the introduction to Selina (finally) coming in my next installment (hopefully!).

GBscientist . CH_15a .IcebergLounge -_ Croc&Clayface, Humour, JokerEnraged, RobberyAttempt, PenquinKicks, GarbageChems

“That’s good stuff,” Killer Croc commented as he pounded an his now-empty bottle of bourbon onto the heavily reinforced table in front of him. “So you hear about Quinn?”

“Sure did,” the massive, semi-humanoid pile of putty known as Clayface replied. “She left old Joker high and dry.”

“You ought to come down to the sewers. I get to hear all the good stuff.”

“I’m not much a fan of water,” Clayface said before putting the tip of his finger into his otherwise ignored glass of water.

“Oooohhhh,” Croc said in disturbed awe as Clayface’s finger was eaten away by the liquid.

“So you gonna share the rest of the story, or what?” Clayface removed his finger from the glass of water and flicked of the remaining moisture.

“Yeah, right. You’ll love this; it’s hilarious. So not only has Harley left our dear ‘clown prince’ in the lurch, but she went and shacked up with the Bat just to rub it in!” Croc began to laugh, a noise that sounded like a cross between a bad cough and an unlubricated truck engine. It took him a few moments to notice that not only was Clayface not laughing, but the entire Iceberg Lounge had gone silent. “The Joker’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

“Give the man a prize,” The Joker snarled from his place in the doorway. The bright streetlights combined with the dim lighting in the Lounge served to backlight the pasty psychopath in a distinctly ominous way and make it perfectly obvious that he was holding a submachine gun. “Ladies and not-so gentlemen of Gotham’s underworld, kindly hand over all of your cash, jewellery, and other valuables, and no-one has to get hurt. Much.” The Joker’s goons poured out of the back room with sacks and their own automatic weapons. Then the Joker walked into the Lounge proper.

“What the heck happened to you?” Croc asked as he twisted around to look at the Joker. “Did ya forget your measurements?” Croc started laughing uproariously at his own joke. The Joker’s face contorted in rage.

“Harley never mentioned that my new suits were dry-clean only!” The Joker shouted and then fired a burst into Croc that knocked the reptilian villain out of his chair. The gunplay caused Penguin to finally speak up.

“This is quite possibly the most foolish thing you’ve ever done, you addle-brained misanthrope. Do you really want every criminal organisation in Gotham City gunning for you?”

“Listen to me, shorty,” The Joker hissed as he stomped over to the Penguin and hoisted him up by his lapels. “Gotham City is mine to play with as I please, and no-one is going to stop me, not even Batman and his new bed-warmer!”

“Ah, so this is about the woman, just as I suspected,” The Penguin smirked.

“What are you talking about, runt?”

“Jealousy has driven many a man to do many a stupid thing, like lifting someone shorter than himself into kicking range.” The Penguin punctuated his statement with a swift right foot to the Joker’s groin. Both men fell to the ground, but only the Penguin got up. The patrons and staff of the Iceberg Lounge took the Joker’s collapse as their cue to level their personal weapons at his goons, and the goons took their boss’s ignominious defeat as a good hint to run.

“You want me to take out this trash?” Killer Croc asked as he moved to loom over the Joker.

“I would be ever so grateful if you would remove this scoundrel from my establishment, good sir. But please don’t eat him in the immediate vicinity.”

“I wouldn’t eat him,” Croc said, sniffing. “He smells like chemicals.”

----

Please note that I'm a Marvel man, not DC, so my characterisation is based off The Animated Series with some enhancements from reading Wikipedia.

Damar . CH_23a .Meet&Greet -_ DEMONAgents, Larry&Curley, Moe&Lucrezia, GreatTalia, Challenge, BingeDrink

I was thinking of some really awkward flirting from both sides when they're standing around outside during a meeting.

*after being pushed close to one of the DEMON Agents by Larry and Curley*
"Uh, hey, I'm-I'm Moe."
"...."
"Ahem, do you have a name? Of course you do but if I'm going too far you can always say-"
"Lucrezia."
"Ah! so ah, Lu, where you from?"
"The Carpathians."
"Ah, is that like, in Little Kiev?"
"You are a brave man, Moses. All other men I've met in my life tend to be on their guard with fists and weapons ready or shry away like rodents when they learn to be in the presence of an elite guard for the great Talia al Ghul, yet you asked me where I was born before taken by the Demon and tutored since to be his daughter's protector."
"Lady, when you've henched as long as me and my buddies have in Gotham, you will have met more dangerous dames and scarier bosses on the job. But uh, that's not to say I'm not very very frightend of your boss and praying you will not stick that blade into me for just saying that."
"...Perhaps I will. If you and your comrades fail our challenge."
"Wha-what challenge?"
"On the eve of tomorrow, without any warrior bearing arms, we shall absorb toxins within the icecold lair of the Penguin. First one to die, loses."
"Ah, the old Navy way."

AndrewJTalon . CH_16a .FelinePad -_ SelinaKyle, MorningJoe, PFFFt, News, Quinn?!, Challenge, GrowlFssst

And now, Selina gets the news. This is only the beginning, of course.

- - - - - - -

Selina Kyle was not prone to overreactions. Indeed, she prided herself on her self control. She was feline in all respects-Cool, confident, sly. She slinked out of bed and got to work on breakfast with her usual grace, dressed in a sleek silk robe showing enough leg to get even the Dark Knight a tiny bit flustered.

Not that she worried he would drop in about that cat figurine missing from the Museum, or ask about that Renoir from the Art Gallery downtown. Not worried. Eager was probably a better word for it. A little attention grabber, nothing she couldn't sneak back in and then they'd be running over rooftops again.

Just bait for a Bat, nothing else to it.

Her breakfast complete, she turned on her custom-built laptop (she wasn't particularly enthused about those gaudy Apples-reminded her too much of IKEAs really) and perused the Gotham Post's latest headlines.

Perhaps she was a bit old fashioned, but she liked drinking coffee while reading a newspaper that was an actual newspaper, even if it was on a LED screen-

"Pfffft!"

Which was now covered in her expresso. She stared blankly for a second before hurriedly wiping off the screen with wet wipes. She re-read the headline and stared at the photo again, before staring at her coffee and then glancing back at the screen.

Nope. Still there.

"... Quinn," she growled. Selina took a breath, calmed herself, and drained the rest of her coffee. She rose from her seat and undid her robe, letting it fall to the floor. Now nude (not that she cared) she made her way to her closet, pulled it open and suited up. She checked her claws and her whip, making sure all were in good order.

She zipped up her costume to her throat... Then reconsidered and unzipped it below her nice, firm breasts. Fortunately there was a form of memory fabric included in the various materials of the suit which kept them from bouncing.

Well, too much.

"Whatever Quinn's doing now, Bruce, don't worry about it," Catwoman said with a feral grin. "I'm going to enjoy letting her know who's who and what's what." She spotted a ball of yarn her cats had left out, and in a flash with her whip it was split in half.

"And what's mine is mine," she purred.

Not that she was going in for Bruce's sake, he could take care of himself. Really.

She was just going to find out what was going on. And along the way she might, might turn Harley into a scratching post but that was purely for some other reason...

- - - - - -

Short intro but it's fun to get into Catwoman's head. Though I admit she might come off as a bit too tsundere, the difference between a feline and a tsundere is that one can find more ways to make a man behave than with violence.

AndrewJTalon . CH_17a .Batcave -_ Batman; Harley, Exercise, Ouchie, KnightVision, Batarang, IsTo_IsNot, smack

And now, a bit of Bruce and Harley.

- - - - - - -

When Batman returned to the Cave, he exited and looked around for Harley. A quick application of the Detective Mode let him spot her lithe form on the gymnastics equipment in the exercise portion of the Cave. He climbed up a series of tall stalagmites and navigated the roof of the Cave upon some of the pipes used for cooling and water treatment. He dropped down on a rope to a hiding spot by a jutting section of rock and set in to watch the blonde as she did her exercises.

Harley executed a perfect flight series on the balance beam, consisting of cartwheels, flips and a jump into an arabian cartwheel. She landed with a flourish and held up her arms with a winning smile. She bowed to an imaginary audience, and then moved to the uneven bars. Clapping some chalk onto her hands, she moved into a nice, easy routine upon them, culminating in a Giant Swing... That she fumbled and ended up slamming into the mat.

"OOF!" She cried.

Batman shook his head, and swooped in to land next to her. Harley got up and scowled as she rubbed her nose.

"Owww..."

"You all right?" Batman asked.

"Ah! Oh! You're here... Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbled. She crossed her eyes and winced as she looked at her nose. It was actually rather adorable. "I think it's broken..."

"No it's not. Just a bit of overstressed cartilage," Batman said, his eyes glowing as he went back into Detective Mode. Harley looked at him, now a blue glowing skeleton with a vague outline around her.

"Huh? How can you tell? Thought Superman was the one with X-Ray vision."

Bruce felt some reluctance in discussing his technology with a former felon, even if she was his... Girlfriend now. Harley was adamant about her conversion, but he hadn't stayed alive this long without being a little paranoid.

Still... He could at least minimize any potential future damage by being vague.

"It's something I've been using for a while," Batman said. He undid his cowl and removed it. He handed it to her. "A special vision mode that lets me see things in alternate wavelengths and frequencies of light, including X-Rays."

Harley put the cowl on, looking simultaneously ridiculous and kind of adorable with her pigtails sticking out the back of her cowl. Her mouth made an 'O' of amazement.

"Wow...! You leave this on all the time?"

"Of course not. It's not great for details in visible light, like writing," he explained. "It'd be impractical."

"I see," Harley said with a nod. She looked around, and held up her own hand to see it in the cowl vision. "Ooh... I've got a great name for it, too!" She grinned at him.

"How about 'Knight Vision'?"

Bruce stared at her. "... No."

"Aw come on, it's great!"

"No."

Harley pouted and stretched her arms over her head, jutting her chest out provocatively. "How about now~?"

Bruce stared for a moment... Before smirking. "No."

"Aw! You are just no fun!" She sighed. "It's not that bad!"

"It is."

"This from the guy who coined the word 'batarang'?" Harley asked skeptically.

Bruce coughed and looked to the side. "That was Dick's idea."

"Surrrre it was," Harley teased. She hugged him and nuzzled his neck. "It's still cute though."

"It is not," Bruce argued. "It is an effective portmanteau of 'bat' and 'boomerang'."

"Is too."

"Is not," Bruce found himself replying. Harley grinned and then hopped up into his arms.

"I can think of a few better portmanteaus... Like... Barley! Bruce and Harley!" She rubbed her chin. "Or maybe Hruce! No wait, that's the same problem as Barley, ain't it? I suppose I could just-"

Bruce rolled his eyes and kissed her. Realistically, it was the only way to get her to shut up.

... Not that he minded.

- - - - - - - -

Scriviner . CH_18a .JokerLair -_ Harley&Joker, Hyenas, Snap&Growl, Grubs&Rests, Bark&Snap

Ack! You're right! I hadn't really thought about them much myself, but my own thoughts on that would be custody battle. Against the Joker. With guns.

"You don't even want them~!"

"I don't want YOU to have 'em either, Harl! So they STAY!"

Explosions ensue.

" ....So They STAY!"

Grooooowwwwwwwllll Growl ..... Growl ......
teeth gashing and knarling from behind Mistah Jaay....

" Heh? Boys?! Why are you looking at me like ... that ... HUH!? "

SNAP! .... Growl.... Grrrrrrrrrrrrr......

" Oh, Mistah Jaaaay...
you always had the bad housekeeping attitude of not feeding or cleaning up after yourself.. "

" Yeah, so what, Har har dee Har?! "
-looks fearfully at his two pet hyenas approaching angrily at him...

" Soooo... When was the last time you fed them since I left a week ago...? "

" *POINK* "

" I betca they are very VERY Hungry and Angry and you probably didn't take them out for their daily walk, didja, Mistah Jaaaaaaay.... "

" Ahhhhhh... I'm been tooo busy lately..."
-cringes further back into a corner with a chair in front of him while his three remaining goons climb desperately out the Joker Lair's only unlock window that is unfortunately not within arm's range of the Joker...

" Weeeeell... Boys... Do Ya Wanna stay with Mistah Jaay...
or come along home to Mama and her new Dada.... Hmmmmmmmm....?"

" BARK ! BARK!! BARK!!! GROWL! CRUNCH !! SNAP!! SNARL!!! "

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! "



-not tasty .. was he ... full of unhealthy Chems....

AndrewJTalon . CH_19a .Tank -_ Revelations, henchWenches, Harley&Joker Groupies, Convention

- - - - - - - -

The Joker felt like he had the first day out of the tank of acid: Lower than low but with a startling revelation about the world that made everything seem so simple and his mission to bring joy and laughter to the world possible.

Except that revelation was more akin to "I need a new henchwench" than "The world is a big Joke". But it was no less practical, at least for Joker's purposes.

Therefore, he proceeded to use the nearest laptop (after beating the owner of it over the head with a rubber chicken) to scour the Internet for some idea of where he could find some easily manipulated replacements for Harley.

Oh no, not just one replacement. He'd run them through the ringer until he found some worthy of his needs! Now, where to find them...?

"Hmmm? What's this? 'Harley/Joker Fan Site?' Convention listed? Convenient plot development?" Joker read aloud. He grinned and smacked his thigh. "OF COURSE! Just what I need!" He quickly tapped into one of his older hidden accounts, got the money needed to buy a booth as a vendor, and got himself added to a panel with a few false credentials and a stolen cellphone. Whistling a cheerful tune he headed back to the hideout.

"And even if I don't get myself some henchwenches, it'll give me the chance to really cut loose and have some fun!" He said with a murderous grin and while rubbing his gloved hands together. "Oh the things I'll go and the people I'll kill, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

- - - - - - -

The set up for Joker to be taken seriously again, ladies and gentlemen.

Scriviner . CH_21a .Hahacienda -_ Curly&Larry, RobinetteHarley, MyBOYS!, Bud&Lou, Moe, DummyVentril,

I figure this bit below could happen chronologically before the above does, but after or during Joker getting tossed out of the Iceberg:

"Hey, Curly. How's it hangin'?" Harley cooed as she sauntered back into the Hahacienda. She was in her abbreviated Robin outfit, her blonde hair in a pair of pig-tails. It was devastatingly cute

The tubby henchman gulped nervously. "H-h-hey, Harl. Um... what you doin' back here? Joker's been awful since you left... and... I... are you comin' back?" He asked with a note of rising optimism in his broken voice.

"Nah, never." She said, patting Curly's face lightly. She hated to see that light just die out in the poor guy's eyes like that, but as much as she liked him... liked them... the happiness of Joker's minions and henchmen were really low on her list of priorities.

Curly choked back a sob and ran off into the next room. His older brother, Moe, a beefy man with a bowl cut who'd been sitting at the folding dining table that was doing duty as a poker table winced as he got up. "Don't mind, Curly, Harl. We understand yer just lookin' out for yourself."

Their fellow goon, a balding curly haired man called Larry, put his cards down and asked distantly, "We were wonderin' why you came back tho, Miss. Cause, if the boss sees you it ain't gonna be pretty. And I mean not-pretty not in the Killer Croc and Penguin aren't pretty sort of way, I mean not pretty in a Smilex bomb on a schoolbus kind of not pretty."

Harley gave them a tight smile, "I know. It's why I waited til he was over at the Iceberg before I came over."

Curly peeked his head out of the doorway, "It's been... it's been awful since you left. He killed Shemp the other day. He's just getting crankier and crankier and he's been listening to the pony again."

Harley frowned, "The one who tells him he likes nice clothes or the one who like cupcakes?"

Moe shuddered, "Cupcakes."

Curly paled and looked as though he were about to throw up.

Larry added, "I don't think he realized how much you kept the place running. None of you tell him I said so, but frankly the Boss can barely tie his shoes much less run a criminal enterprise half the time without you."

Moe rolled his eyes, "Nobody'll tell him that. We're too worried about gettin' whacked." He turned to Harley, "I am tryin' to say this in the nicest possible way, but you really gotta get outta here before the Boss comes back, Harl."

Harley smiled fondly at the erstwhile leader of the Joker goons and replied, "Yeah, I don't wanna put you boys in a bad position, but I just came back for my babies. They weren't at the kennel and I figure one of you have to know if the Joker did anything to them."

There was an awkward silence that permeated the room. Harley frowned at the complete non-response from the thugs. Curly ducked his head back into the other room and from what Harl could see, proceeded to cower behind the couch. The poor guy hadn't been the same ever since the Joker brained him with a frying pan one time too many.

Larry hemmed and hawed and tried to slowly and subtly back away from Harley. Moe just stood there, defiant. "It wasn't our fault. It was the Boss who did it."

"Did. What." She asked flatly.

Moe replied, "He sold 'em when he figured out you weren't comin' back."

"Sold. Them. Where?!"

Larry mumbled from his spot, "Wow. You learned that Bat-monotone thing real well. Got the teeth grinding too and everything."

Moe glanced over his shoulder, "Shut up, you moron!"

Harley, unhappy over the non-answer grabbed Moe by the collar and straight armed him up off the ground with strength born of fury and a momma's instinct to protect her babies, "Who did he sell my babies to?! Tell me or I'll kill all of you!"

Larry piped up, "If you kill alla us, you won't have no one to tell you nothin'."

Moe rolled his eyes, "Shut up! Look, we both know you're with the Bat now, he's not gonna let you kill nobody--"

She growled as she pulled him closer. "That just means I gotta hide the bodies better. My sweet Mistah Bee would probably even understand. Besides, I have been with him. He knows all these cute little tricks. You would be amazed at what the human body can live through and still stay conscious." There was that flickering light of madness that all Gotham thugs recognized in her eyes. The one that says, your continued existence is entirely dependent on my good will. Any goon working the Gotham rackets learned to recognize it as a survival tactic.

Moe froze. Larry whimpered and backed away some more.

Surprisingly enough it was Curly who ran back in, waving a small piece of paper. "J-j-joker had Joe bring your babies to a specialty butcher on the East Side. T-th-the one we get the Rhino meat from!"

Harley's face was a mask of shock as she released Moe who dropped into an undignified heap on the ground.

Moe got to his feet slowly, sputtering slightly at his manhandling, "Yeah... except things didn't exactly go as planned. The Ventriloquist was robbin' the place and decided to hijack Bud and Lou before we could sell 'em."

Curly waved the piece of paper which Harley realized was a poorly written ransom demand. Well, one didn't expect good handwriting from a Ventriloquist's dummy. "The d-duh-dummy was gonna hold 'em hostage til Joker paid a ransom, except Joker didn't wanna. Didn't let us tell anyone neither."

Harley snarled, "How long has he had my babies?!"

Larry finally joined in the conversation, "A couple days. The dummy calls up every couple days demanding the ransom, but the Ventriloquist guy tells us they're oka--"

Whatever else Larry might have said was interrupted by Harley's immediate departure. Which also resulted in her kicking the door entirely off it's hinges on her way past.

Curly asked slowly, "Y'think... we... we shoulda told her where he was?"

Moe playfully smacked Curly on the head, "Y'think she was gonna wait for you to tell her? She'll find 'em. Besides, she's with the Bat now. If she can't he will."

Larry nodded as he picked up the door and tried to rest it against the doorway, "You guys ever wonder if maybe we kinda should think about another career? Cause this was definitely not what I signed up for. The money's good, but I really want to live to spend it."

Moe nodded, "Yeah, the Boss has been getting weirder lately."

Larry sniffed, "If by weirder you mean more kill-happy, then yeah."

Curly finally spoke once more, "D'you think Harley wants to hire some henchmen?"

Moe slapped Curly's forehead with the heel of his palm, "She's one a the good guys now. The good guys don't got henchmen!"

"Yeah... but what if she did?" Curly continued innocently.

All three got speculative looks on their faces.

Damar . CH_20a .Rooftop -_ WareHouse, Henchman, GatFreak, Scarface, Wesker, Hyenas

The first sign that something was wrong was when the hired thug fell screaming from the warehouse roof. On it's own it was not that suspicious, people fell off rooftops all the time and good afforable help was hard to find these days without getting into trouble with the Gotham Henchman Union. It became suspect when the man fell, and than was halted in his rapid descent just a few metres from the hard surface as the rope attached to his legs snapped taut. And while the Ventriloquist has heard of bungeejumping, he doubted the thug would try it during worktime so he came to the obvious conclusion.

"It's the Gat!"

A shadow moving in the rafters led his remaining goon to spraying the above area with a Micro-Uzi, firing rounds at 1200 per minute and empty within seconds. To the henchman's credit, he was expierenced enough to reload the weapon with a fresh magazine within three seconds. Too bad it only took two seconds for the batarang to hit his temple and knock him out cold. Leaving only a man, his puppet, and a miniaturized Thompson submachinegun.

"You'll never catch me Dark Knight! I won't go down like these mooks!" Scarface shouted defiantly firing the weapon into every dim corner while Arnold Wesker stood and shivered in fear.

A claw suddenly shot out of the dark, attaching itself to the weapon and than ripping it away with one hard pull, along with Scarface's arm. Wesker looked on in shock as the puppet cried out.

"AAARGH! MY ARM! YOU TORE OUT MY ARM YOU GATFREAK!" With no more threats around, Batman appeared from the darkness and walked with a steady stride towards the two.

"Come on than, Gatman! I've only got one arm left gut I'll still use it to gash your head in!" Bruce accepted the challenge and shattered Scarface's wooden head with one blow, an easy feat when he could kick young trees in half.

"NOOOOOO!" Wesker cried out as he fell to his knees, cradling the headless body of his other personality.

"Stop it Arnold. You know you can rebuild him, it's what you've done every time in the last ten years. Now, where are they!"

Wesker stopped his sobbing, acknowledging the point but his psychosis required it. "They're over there, in the cage. We never intended to harm them, honestly, well maybe Mr. Scarface wanted to start cutting off bits until Harley paid up a ransom, but I only wanted to keep them safe from the Joker. They're everything to her."

This suprised Bruce, not knowing Wesker actually held any affection for anyone but Scarface given his extreme obsession. "I'm suprised you care."

"I never believed that girl was one of us. Seduced by the madness, yes, but not dependant on it like the Joker, me or even you. I always thought she tried to have a place in this mad world of capes and clowns, and maybe with you, she finally has. Please be good to her."

Bruce nodded, a little confused but heartend by the Ventriloquist's show of humanity. It distracted him so that when he walked over to the cage and removed the heavy chain lock with a incendiary explosive, he had forgotten about who he exactly had went out to find in the first place.

Two ferocious hyenas named Bud and Lou who never had the talk from their mamma that the Batman was now their dadda, instead of a Happy Meal in kevlar.

Left Open for changes for CH 21 & CH 20

AndrewJTalon . CH_22a .Rooftop -_ HyenasSlumber, Cassie&Bruce, Oracle, Harley, Slumber?, Selina?

- - - - - -

The hyenas had been a bit of trouble to subdue. Fortunately, Cassandra had been in the area and had applied her formidable talents in combat against humans to combat against hyenas.

Down they went, unconscious and whimpering in their sleep but alive.

"Thanks," Batman said, rubbing a gash across his chest one of the hyenas had left on him.

"Don't mention it," Cassandra replied. Batman frowned and tapped his cowl earpiece.

"O, B. I'd appreciate some covert transport for the hyenas."

"I'm redirecting one of our unmanned delivery trucks," Oracle replied. "ETA five minutes. They should be to the mansion an hour after that."

"Redirect Harley here then, we don't want them tearing the van apart," he said. Oracle chortled.

"Running a bit fast, aren't we? This is the kind of gift you get at a one month anniversary."

"We're not exactly conventional," Batman replied quietly. Oracle snickered.

"Well I knew that. And so does Dick, now that he's had a chance to listen in on the slumber party."

Bruce froze. "Slumber party?"

Oracle just chuckled. Batman scowled.

"O..."

"Now now Batman, I need to get my entertainment somehow don't I? And you have to admit this is probably the most entertaining thing that's happened." A pause. "At least until Selina gets involved."

"You haven't-"

"Of course not... But given she does keep up with the news... You have prepared something for her, right? Remember what happened to Talia," Oracle pointed out.

"I've got it under control," Batman replied.

"Uh huh. Harley Quinn. Selina Kyle. Under control. Shall I put that on your tombstone?"

Batman sighed.

- - - - - - - - -

Left this available for CH 23 that is embedded Chronologically CH 15ish