How I learned to stop worrying and love the Changeling

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Harry Leferts, May 5, 2012.

  1. Harry Leferts That Suave Kaiju

    Watching over the last few preperations for the spell they're about to use, Shinning Armor sighs as he sees a lone tiara in the middle of the runic array that had been constructed in the town square. "Twilight..."

    ******************* Flashback******************

    Bucking a Changling, Shining Armor grimaces as it's replaced by two more. 'Where are they all coming from... and why here...?' Looking over the town under attack, he snorts while ducking under one that goes flying past, covered in a purple aura. Shocked, he turns to see one of the two princesses. "Princess Luna!"

    Galloping up while throwing the attackers in every direction, Luna takes a looks around. "Come Captain, we do not have much time. There can only be one reason why they're here in Ponyville."

    Blinking as she starts off, Shining has to strain to keep up as they run through town (though he blinks as one green unicorn is fighting the Changlings alongside one). "What do you mean your Highness?"

    Scowling, Luna shakes her head, her magic flinging an unfortunate changling through a cart. "Who lead to the defeat of Chrysalis? You, our niece, and..."

    Eyes widening as his stomach sinks and his heart stops, one word escapes Shining's mouth before he speeds up. "Twilight..."

    A resounding boom echoing through the town tells them where to go. By the time they get there, they find Twilight and Queen Chrysalis locked in magical combat. Laughing as she dodges a spell, Chrysalis grins as the changelings converge. "Now Twilight Sparkle, meet your end!" Around her, energy from the changlings flow into her as her twisted horn glows with a venomous green light. At the same time, the injured and tired Twilight also charges her horn, the two glows powerful enough to cause everyone to look away. "NOW DIE!"

    Twlight's eyes spring open as she growls in frustation and anger as her eyes glow almost pure white. "LET'S END THIS!" As one, they shoot beams of magical might at each other. Both seem about to collide when twist around each other. To the two combatents shock, the two attacks then merge and detonate causing a massive explosion knocking all within sight to the ground, those in the air being thrown out of sight. Groaning, Twilight's head comes up as she hears a snap. A moment later, the dust cloud of the explosions swirls into the center revealing a vortex that begins pulling everything into it. Using her magic, Twilight holds herself in place as on the otherside, Chrysalis does the same thing, fear mirrored on both their faces as they struggle. But time seems to slow with what happens next. At the very edge of the Town's Center, a Unicorn Guardspony notices Chrysalis struggling to not get sucked in, and uses his magic to throw a cart at her. Unable to move, it hits her causing her to fly towards the vortex. But a piece of debris also hits Twilight, dazing her but for a moment...

    And a moment is all that's needed as she, too, is sucked into the vortex. Her last sight of Equestria being both Luna and Shining Armor rushing towards her as blackness claims her. On Shining and Luna's side, they nearly reach the vortex right as it detonates, sending them flying. Shaking his head, Shining turns to see the vortex gone. "No... No! NO!" Anger rushing through his system, he turns towards the only target: The Unicorn Guard who threw the cart. "YOU!" It takes Luna and the rest of the Mane 6 to pull him off the poor soul...

    ***************** Flashback End ************************

    Shaking his head to clear it, Shining sighs as he feels a hoof lay itself on his shoulder. Turning, he smiles as he sees the gentle expression on his wife's face. "Are you okay Shining?"

    Taking a deep breath, he slowly releases it. "Yeah... I just hope that this works." Glancing back at the array, he takes note of his sisters best friends moving towards sections of it set aside near the center and Celestia and Luna move towards their own points midway between the inner and outer parts. "Still..."

    Reaching down, Cadence grasps his shoulder. "It's okay Shining. It's going to work and I trust my Aunties when they say they have it downpat." She gestures at the tiara with it's star shaped gemstone. "The Element of Magic is still connected to Twilight. And with the locks of hair." Shining notices how the Tiara is holding down several strands. "That we retrieved from her hair brush, that gives us a way to find the right Twilight. Then the other Elements will act as a sort of magical magnet drawing her from wherever she is to here with Aunti Celestia and Auntie Luna as well as us providing the nescessary power." She then smiles. "Anyways... our turn to set up." Nodding, Shining takes up his position before looking over the Unicorn guards stationed around the outside of the array, his and Twilight's parents there as well. Seeing the expression on his face, Cadence giggles. "He's not there Shining, the medics haven't released him yet." Seeing the blush as he looks away, she reaches up with a hoof and pulls his head so that she can look him in the eye. "Hon, I would have done far worse if I had been there then what you did."

    Hearing a clearing throat, she gives him one last kiss on the cheek before turning to where Celestia is standing with a amused look. A moment later, the amusement fades as she looks around, everyone there listening. "Now then, as you know we'll be going over this in stages. First the guards as well as Night Light and Twilight Twinkle will channel their magic into the array. Then, Cadence and Shining Armor." She gives the two a nod. "Will create a shield to prevent any energy from escaping to increase the energy we can use. After that, me and Luna will cast the spell as the Elements are activated. If all goes well..."

    A sigh escapes her as her voice softens. "If all goes well... Twilight Sparkle will be returned to us." Becoming serious once more, she nods. "Everyone understand?" Seeing as they nod, she turns towards Luna. "Then let's begin." Closing her eyes, the group begins to perform the spell making the array glow brighter and brighter until there's a massive flash. Blinking the spots away from her eyes, Celestia takes a step towards the center. 'Did it work...?' As her vision finally clears, she smiles as she sees Twilight gently sleeping in a sleeping bag causing her to sigh. 'She's okay... and I didn't know she learned how to magic objects out of thin air...'

    Her thoughts screech to a halt as a familiar changling queen pokes her head out of the sleeping bag and yawns before nuzzling Twilight. "Mmm... it's morning love..."

    Before they can say anything, Twilight sleepily giggles as she brushes off Chrysalis. "Stop that." She groans as the Changling begins nipping at her neck. "Ooooohhh. No faaaaiiiirrr Chrissy..."

    Chrysalis grins and is about to go on when she feels a sicking feeling sweep over her. 'Hate...?' Now fully awake, she looks around and spots a rather large number of Unicorns, two Pegasus, two Earth Ponies and two Alicorns all looking very angry. "Aw... horseapples." Hearing that, Twilight's eyes pop open and she looks as well before the two scramble from the bag just as the first spell goes flying...
  2. Ooh... not the best thing to wake up to, there.

    Notice one typo.

    There can only be one reason why their here in Ponyville." Should be 'they're'
  3. QuiteEasilyDone End Of Proof Statement

    Snerk, this is only going to end in fire. I approve.
  4. koolerkid Lord of All Things

    *laughs hysterically*

    I cannot BELIEVE you used my half-assed joke title! HAH!

    Anywho, couple typos here and there but not bad. You might want to recruit an editor or prereader or two to go over this before you start sending it off to FIMfic or EQD. Other then that, a pretty good start!
  5. Looks good so far. However, some thoughts:

    Indicating when a flashback is about to start or end in a story is bad form in my reading experience. A simple page break will do the job just fine.

    Unless this is a Humanized story, 'shoulders' might be best.

    Big block of text. Break up the dialogue and actions/narrative into different paragraphs a bit.
  6. NMS

    You misspelled Armor in the last paragraph of the flashback.
  7. Harry Leferts That Suave Kaiju

    Okay, is it any better? And tha flashback was to clear up any confusion. Well, here's the next bit:
    __________________________________________

    Dodging a bolt shot from Celestia, Chrysalis groans. "When I said we might have problems when we came out with our relationship-" Blocking a spell from Twilight Twinkle, she continues. "To your folks and friends, this wasn't quite how I imagined it!"

    Rolling her eyes as she sends out a mild stunning spell, Twilight exclaims. "Holy Alicorn Batman, I never would have guessed!"

    Chrysalis stops for a moment before ducking under Rainbow Dash as said Pegasus tries to tackle her. "How long have you been waiting to use that?"

    Twilight looks up for a moment as she yanks a rock in front of her to take a blow before shrugging. "Since Gotham."

    Rolling, Chrysalis shoots off a spell. "Which one?"

    Grimacing as she shoots off another spell and blocks one at the same time, Twilight grumbles. "Third. It was... retro I think?"

    Chrysalis nods. "Ah. That one was an odd one. I liked number five myself." She gains a saucy grin. "That was where I swiped that costume from Catgirl and-"

    Blushing as her eyes widen, Twilight stumbles. "GAK!" Twilight whips her head around as a spell just misses her head due to her doing so. "WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE HERE!"

    Chrysalis only chuckles and is about to say something when she notices a ornage blur. "TWILIGHT, TO THE LEFT!"

    Twisting, Twilight blasts the ground causing Applejack to trip and go flying. She's set down though as a green glow surrounds her. Scowling, AJ shouts at her Unicorn fellow Element. "GOSH DARN IT TWI! SNAP OUT OF IT! SHE'S BRAINWASH YA!"

    Groaning, Twilight rolls her eyes before shouting back as off on the sidelines, Cadence's own eyes widen. "I'M NOT BEING CONTROLLED APPLEJACK!"

    Rainbow Dash lands next to Applejack with a scowl. "Ah, hay. Looks like she really got a hold of her."

    Beside her, AJ nods. "Aye Rainbow. Ah reckon' that things are gonin' ta get complecated."

    Off to the side where Shining had her go when the battle started, Cadence blinks as she rapidly looks over the fight. 'Wait... those spells. Why would Chrysalis have both her and Twilight use weak, disabling ones and...' Her eyes widen as a wagon that had been thrown at Chrysalis gets deflected by a spell originally shot at Twilight, sending the cart heading towards the unknowing Unicorn... only for Chrysalis to jump in front of it and take the hit. At that exact moment she senses something she did not expect from Chrysalis. 'Oh no...' She starts running towards the fight. 'I GOT TO STOP THIS!'

    Back at the fight, Twilight's stunned at what happens and that's all that's needed as her friends and Luna dog pile her, Rarity and Luna holding her down with help from their magic. "LET ME GO!"

    Wincing at Twilight's struggles and the desperation in her voice, Rarity shakes her head. "I'm sorry darling, but you'll understand that it's for your own good."

    Seeing this, Chrysalis struggles to get back up when Celestia knocks her to the ground and holds her there with a hoof on the Changeling Queen's chest. Glaring up at the Alicorn above her, Chrysalis grunts. "Let... me... go!"

    For her part, Celestia just presses harder. "Enough." Glaring at the being below her, Celestia snarls. "I was going to leave you alone after the wedding. But then you had the galls to not only attack my student but to also brainwash her..." Narrowing her eyes, she finishes in a cold whisper. "You'll never harm anyone again..."

    Watching as the Solar Princess' horn lights up, Chrysalis turns her head to lock eyes with Twilight. 'I am so, so sorry Twilight...' Keeping her eyes on Twilight's she doesn't notice a blue glow surround a shocked Celestia until said Alicorn is thrown off her and a familiar pink one stands in front of her on back legs, forelegs outstretched to protect her as she faces the others. "What..."

    Looking over her shoulder, Cadence gives her a smile as Chrysalis descends into a coughing fit. "Easy now, don't strain yourself."

    Helping Celestia get back on her feet, Shining looks over at his wife in shock. "Ca... Cadence!? What are you doing!?"

    Steeling her nerves, Cadence's horn glows for a moment, helping Twilight throw off the ponies on her before the purple Unicorn rushes over. "Saving someone." Looking over her shoulder at Twilight as she gathers Chrysalis into her embrace, Cadence raises an eyebrow. "She okay?"

    It's Chrysalis who answers though. "Ugh... been through worse..." Looking at the Unicorn holding her, Chrysalis smiles. "Hey... Twilight I... need..."

    Twilight gives her a shaky smile. "Hey, I don't think that we should be doing that here in front of them."

    Chuckling her some groans, Chrysalis shakes her head. "You Perv." Snorting a little she lays her head on Twilight's shoulders. "You know what I mean."

    Twilight just nods as she shifts, exposes her neck. Going bright red from the slight moaning behind her, Cadence clears her throat. "Yes, well..." Seeing the stares, she sighs. "Twilight's not being controlled by... her."

    Raising an eyebrow, Luna looks behind her. "Really now? And how did you come to this conclusion niece?"

    Sighing as she knows she'll get a chance to explain. "First, Chrysalis was defending Twilight, which is something she would never do if she didn't care for her alot. Two, both of them used weak, disabling spells. Three, remember, my talent is love and I can-" She whips her head back and glares. "CAN YOU STOP MAKING THOSE SOUNDS!?"

    Twilight grins weakly as Chrysalis sighs in relief. "Er... sorry."

    Coughing into her hoof, Cadence nods. "Yes, well... anyways, as I was saying... My talent is love and I can tell true feelings of love, not the fake stuff." She then raises a hoof. "And fourth..." She gestures at Twilight's eyes. "Her eyes are her normal ones. If she was being controlled they would be green."

    They all blink and looks at a sheepish Twilight who's rubbing the back of her head. "He he he..."

    Fluttershy blushes some as a thought occurs to her. "Do... doesn't that mean that her... and Twilight are... Eep!" Twilight, Cadence, and Chrysalis are all treated to the sight of not only the Royal Guards and the other Bearers of Harmony freezing up, but also Celestia and Luna as the same thought runs through their heads.

    'What the buck!?'
  8. Exposure Shadow Cabal Groupie

    I think you got a couple misspellings, I'll edit all of them in when I finish the rest of the snippet.

    EDIT:
    List of errors:
    Twilight, orange, Cadence, Wincing, desperation, and outstretched in that order.

    Those are all the ones I've spotted for now.
  9. Harry Leferts That Suave Kaiju

    Thanks. I really appreciate it (damn the fact that the store that sold me my laptop "Forgot" to give me the Product key for Microsoft Word).
  10. koolerkid Lord of All Things

    Ehehehehehehehe...

    Very well done, Harry. Very nice. No major problems I can see here. It's a bit odd that Chrys and Twi would be talking like that while under attack, but this is a comedy fic and it's easily chalked up to Rule of Funny. Nice work! And I giggled a the tidbit about Gotham, and "Holy Alicorn, Batman!"
  11. Exposure Shadow Cabal Groupie

    It's called Firefox you silly little abomination, it has a built in spell check. :p
  12. Perfect ending line. :D
  13. Wakka Drive Systems

    I suggest you google Open Office or LibreOffice. Free, nearly as much function, and mostly cross compatible.
  14. MarikaOniki Is now a Space Pirate.

    Since any criticism I could think of has been brought up, I just have to say: Harry, you magnificent bastard! How are you able to make me love and hate you, all at once?

    Edit: Okay, my hate has taken a vacation with the posting of the second snippet (originally had this typed up before it was posted).
  15. 6th paragraph from the bottom of the latest snippet. Alot should be "a lot". First snippet, Twilight's "Let's end this." Really doesn't seem in character. Maybe from Dash, but eh. Those were the ones that bugged me the most.

    All in all though, interesting concept, but I'll hold judegement until more is written.
  16. firefossil I have charts. Lots of charts.

    How much time passed on each side?
  17. QuiteEasilyDone End Of Proof Statement

    Time need not be linear. Especially where the multiverse is concerned.
  18. Harry Leferts That Suave Kaiju

    Equestria: Around a week.

    Twilight/Chrysalis: A few years.
  19. firefossil I have charts. Lots of charts.

    That's why I asked.

    That's what I figured.
  20. Exposure Shadow Cabal Groupie

    So they've been roaming the multiverse for a few years.

    Oh joy. That's what...only Alpha Protocol and any other obscure works (to you) left untouched? :p
  21. Their time in Evangelion must've been interesting. With so little genuine and untwisted love around, Chrysalis would've been very sickly and weak, leaving Twilight having to care for her for quite some time...

    That must've been when/where her turn around was.
  22. koolerkid Lord of All Things

    That's actually not a bad idea, except for one problem.

    It requires introducing a poor, innocent pony into Neon Genesis Evangelion. It also involves invoking the wrath of Twilight Sparkle upon all the members of NERV. I'm not sure which is more deserving of a Vlad Tepes award. We may have to get Ix in here to judge.
  23. Why NERV? They aren't doing anything, just saving Mankind, and are lead by a man who has no interest in wiping out all life on the planet, he just wants his wife-y back.

    Now, SEELE on the other hand...

    Believe me, there are very few universes that can make Eva worse, and many that can only improve the setting.
    Darth Sonic likes this.
  24. Cyrus 21 Kamen Rider/Spirit of Chaos

    This is going to be one Hell of a ride, And I'm going to enjoy every second of it.:testsmilie:
  25. koolerkid Lord of All Things

    He may just want his wife back, but he doesn't particularly care if he screws over the human race and more or less completely screws up his own son's head in the process. He ties with Precia Testarossa (from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha) for Worst Parent Ever.

    That aside, you're right, SEELE is probably more deserving. But Twilight won't know that, considering their love for behind-the-scenes work. She'll just know how much of a bastard Gendo is. However, the pilots will probably receive hugs. In fact, Harry, here's a suggestion: you can make it a turning point in Chrysalis' character that she hugs the pilots, giving love instead of just devouring it, and receiving love in return. If you're going for K9's idea of having Eva-world as the tipping point for her, anyway. Just a thought.

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