If you could send a message to yourself in the past?

Let's say that you have a time machine, but this time machine doesn't work on people or anything bigger than a standard sheet of letter paper. The only thing you can really do with your time machine is send a letter to yourself in the past. So, knowing what you know now, if you had to the chance to send a message to yourself in the past, what would you say?

I'd send a message to myself at the beginning of high school, saying a few things:

1. Your friend group right now is a bunch of dicks. Don't hang out with them.
2. That girl you check out in English class with the perfect rack totally lets herself go after high school, she's not worth it.
3. The Army isn't for you. This is not the end of the world, there's plenty of other things to do.
4. Everything that socially matters in high school stops mattering almost immediately after high school is done.

How about you guys?

I know exactly what I'd do.

Too bad I can't go back in time. Now I'm sad and going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.

1. Dont fuck Haley
2. Take up MMA in middle school instead of football
3. STOP FUCKING UP IN SCHOOL YOU DINGBAT
4. Dont trust Tim
5. Your gonna be hot as shit in 11th grade. Dont type set yourself in 9th and 10th
6. In college your going to meet a blonde singer chick. She likes you. AVOID HER AT ALL COST.

Message to the begining of my College Freshman year:

1. Victoria's got someone lined up, don't waste time. Alternatively, TAKE THE LEAD FFS!

2. Work hard in all subjects.

3. Drop BI101, ASAP.

4. Do Battle Pirates on FB, and make sure to join with Reap and Co.

5. Line up a proper summer job.

1: Stop LYING! For fuck sake, I know you're scared but stop lying! You're making everything worse.
2: Get a summer job as soon as you can.
3: Treat math like a puzzle.
4: Go socialise like a good chap.
5: You are not better than anyone just because, stop acting like it you fucking cunt.
6: She is not lying when she say's she's a bitch, don't be desperate enough to leap at her, the other option is ultimately better.

1. Kill George Lucas
2. You see that annoying asshole on that Even Steven's show your sister watches? Kill him too.
3. That Indian chick? She has a crush on you freshman year. Go for it.
4. Something about 9/11.

1. Don't curse out loud in class.
2. Fill out the financial aid forms for college months sooner.
3. Get Boy Scouts out of the way a couple of years sooner.

Lottery numbers and stocks that will explode in value.

Dear 12 Year Old Me.

I'm writing this from the future (<INSERT SOMETHING ONLY I'D KNOW>) and that bit of information should prove it.
1.) Latin is offered at the high school you will be attending. Don't let that horse fellator of a guidance counselor tell you otherwise.
2.) Your 9th Grade Algebra teacher will not be fit to be one; seek out help so you don't have to repeat 9th Grade Algebra.
3.) There are scholarships based on academic merit. When you get to high school and get access to the internet, look them up. (<INSERT WEB ADDRESS TO RELEVANT DATA>)
4.) Call your grandparents (<INSERT PHONE NUMBER>) because you will need them to exert pressure on your mother to help you get fit and succeed in life. No, 12 Year Old Me, our mom doesn't want us to be happy, independent, or thin. You haven't figured this out, but to her fat is normal.
5.) In the coming years, you will be sexually harassed and assaulted by <INSERT NAMES AND DATES> and your teachers will do jack shit about it. Here are the phone numbers for the relevant agencies, <INSERT PHONE NUMBERS>
6.) When you get the internet, make sure to study various medical related sites. Sadly, I don't have the names of such sites that will be active in the last years of the XX Century, but I'm sure you can find them. Talk to the librarians.
7.) Please study up on safe sex, specifically condoms and the Rhythm Method; if you follow my plans, not only will you need such knowledge, you'll thank me for it.
8.) Remember, that's CONDOMS and the Rhythm Method, with special emphasis on the CONDOMS. The RM is not sufficient; I've spent time writing this letter to improve your life, and you will NOT ruin it after I've dedicated so much time and effort into fixing it!
9.) You may still have what are called Libertarian ideals, I'm fuzzy on that point. but if that's the case, when you grow older you will mind that they are almost 1000% retarded. No, that extra '0' is not a mistake. Please, for the love of the god we don't believe in, check out a book on left-leaning ideologies.
After following these steps, I hope you enjoy a better life than the one I'm currently living.

Sincerely,
26 Year Old You.

P.S.
For what it's worth, here's the 'hot stocks' and the winning lottery numbers for the year 2003 which you and your grandparents will be eligible to play are <INSERT RELEVANT DATA> With luck, not only will you be college-bound, but you will be set up for life.

P.P.S.
If the Post Script pans out, here's the 'best' college of 2003, <INSERT DATA>

First I'd need to find how to code the maximum possible amount of information onto a single sheet of paper, preferably in a method that can be read by mid-to-late 90s technology.

What I tell myself would depend a great deal on just how much info I can pack onto that sheet. I'm sending it back to summer 1998, if that helps any.

Probably would deliberately not tell myself about any events I can't possibly affect, though (earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, other such disasters); it would just end up making me feel guilty without giving me any more ability to change things than I had in the first go-round.

Probably mostly investment tips. The lessons I've learned can only be learned through time.

Life as a sap must suck.

Send message back to 1997.
1)Take out huge student loans from Canadian government that are forgiven in 2000.
2)Invest heavily in Apple, Microsoft, Disney, and Google.
3)Send instructions to buy domains of "Iphone.com, Ipad.com, ipod.com, etc.."
4)???
5)Profit.
6)retire to a desert island by the time this post happens.

Probably back when I was 15, final year of GCSEs.

1. Procrastination is bad, learn some focus and break that habit quickly
2. Dude, freaking study. Those average grades may actually be something if you tried.
3. That blonde girl? Yeah, you'll have a bit of fun, but you getting with someone through being a desperate teenager makes it a waste of time.
4. As with the GCSEs, study for your A-Levels, don't waste the first year.
5. Ignore that girl in the second year, she means bad news for the group if you try anything more than friends. The sex isn't worth it.
6. Keep up with GW hobby, there's some decent people there. Similarly the few people that stick around after school, they're awesome.
7. Try to break those bad habits, the girlfriend you get in 2011 is the best thing you could ask for and it would be so much better without that period of constant arguments you caused by being a thoughtless dick.


Hmm, all my problems seem to be related to wasting time and bad choices with women... I could learn from this.

"...it's too important to use only for money, but too dangerous to use for anything else." - Chuck Klosterman on the movie Primer.

Fuck you people are crazy.

A long list of things not to do in a relationship that could have gone the distance otherwise. And also, to invest in Apple stock. Also Google.

Invest, invest, invest. Oh give a general idea for future games or novels.

-Go to class in first year uni. No matter how "smart" you think you are you will fail if you only study the night before a test.

Nothing you could have done would stop the Obama menace

Here are the lotto #s, and some hot stock tips.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU ARE FUCKING RICH. Also, San Angelo, TX? Really? Don't go there.

A sufficiently well folded up piece of paper is around the same size as a halfway decent flash drive. Incidently I fill up said flash drive with all the information I can possibly think willl be useful (and 10 gigabyte flashdrive is a lot of information.), and I send it back to myself the summer before my first year in High School.

I send myself the list of world series, superbowl, stanley cup, NBA, ect winners, basic info about 9-11, and such.

Sept 11th info is worse than useless. It will be ignored beforehand and afterward if it's remembered there are going to be some very serious people asking about your terrorist connections.

Try and get a few $100 bills that are several years old, if possible $1-$2 thousand worth, and wrap the note around them to send it back.

In the long run that's peanuts even for my low income level, but it's be nice to stack the deck a bit as well. That and $2,000 would cover my aparment I had in college for 5 months rent and I'd still have $50 left over.

A flashdrive isn't a bad idea, but if you go back a decade or more, say to about 2000 or 2001, where they even around? I remember when I first started my freshman year in community college we still used floppy disks, and that was in 2004-2005.

Bet big money AGAINST the Patriots vs the Giants during the 'perfect season'

Hell a few seemingly random scores. Hopefully I'll agree with myself and put the bets the right way