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Magical Pony Lyrical Twilight: The Thread 2nd

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by PurpleProse, Aug 30, 2013.

  1. Luna started as her sister burst into out loud laughter that would fit her corrupt forms return to Equestria. She watched as Celestia trailed off into several minutes of hiccups. "Sister?"

    Celestia whipped the tears away with a fetlock. "Twilight's latest letter. She was talking about one of the recently graduated human mages being considered for the joint force."

    Luna picked up the letter skimming rapidly. "Ah, edger but perhaps a bit trying because she is so much? But why so much mirth Sister?"

    Celestia smiled, "Because reading that was like going back to when I started teaching Twilight herself. So tell me, does Fate have any students yet?"
  2. Angelform Celestia’s messenger

    Interesting hint about Luna. Directly involved or just the motivating force?

    Considering the condition she was in when first found Fate getting students like herself would not be cause for mirth.
  3. Purpleprose, I've been wondering. Does Shamal and the other human Wolkenritter still have the ability to switch between human and pony forms?
  4. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    Yes.
  5. Technically I think Fate can switch back to human too, but she doesn't really have any desire too. Probably considers herself Pony rather than Human at this point.
  6. Not to mention, it's much easier to control a Device with telekinesis instead of having to use your hands. And it has the added benefit of removing the risk of fingers getting bashed while using Strike Arts.
  7. Ok, thanks for confirming. Will we ever get to see that in this story?
  8. So, there really wasn't much to edit in the previous snippet, so here's the last two together:
    This is usually said with a slight pause in it, so there should be a comma after 'oh'.
    And then. Also, I feel like adding ', dumbfounded' after 'blinked' would add a bit of needed emphasis here.
    Should be 'from me and Warrant Officer Lowran.'
    Needs a 'that' before 'I copied your spell.'
    Should be 'as strong as'.
    And then.
    Since he's not really talking over anyone, I don't think you need to separate this into two sentences, just stick a comma in there.
    Either combine these sentences with a comma or take out the 'And'.
    Should be 'its' here.
    Should be 'wider'.
    Blinked.

    Well, that seems to wrap the first bit of action up rather nicely, apart from Spike and Scootaloo's beating, I mean Friendship Lesson. I'd be curious to know (as Angelform also mentioned), since Chrono said the JEMM Resolution was Luna's work, if she's acting more like a Secretary of State or Vice President and doing most of the foreign policy work, or if that bit of legislation was just her idea. If she is focusing on interactions with TSAB and leaving Celestia and Cadance to run their respective countries, I wouldn't be surprised if we ran into her on Mid-Childa, scaring the crap out of legislators and officers with her awesome alicorn aura.
  9. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    I'm actually planning on including some flashbacks in this chapter to put Equestria's current status into perspective, so we'll be seeing Luna.
  10. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    “Can you believe this, Tea? This is the sort of opportunity that only comes once in a lifetime! Oh my gosh, I…”

    The drink machine let out a series of clunks as the cans fell into the receptacle. Teana reached in, absent-mindedly pulling out a can of apple juice and a can of iced coffee as she listened to Subaru chatter away.

    And as usual, she’s going a mile a minute, Teana thought to herself as she turned. A bit of wind whistled over the elevated courtyard they were in, the scent of the freshly-trimmed grass Subaru was sitting on stirring slightly. Though I admit, I’m surprised she managed to keep her excitement contained until we were alone.

    “Hey Subaru, catch.” Teana gently tossed the can of coffee to her.

    Subaru reached up, catching it easily. “Thanks Tea. I’ll pay you back later, alright?”

    “Don‘t bother.” Teana took a seat beside Subaru, popping the tab on her drink and taking a sip. “I think I can handle being a little short… hey!” She frowned as she watched Subaru chug her drink. “At least try to enjoy it… ”

    “Ahh…” Subaru exhaled loudly as she lowered the can. “Sorry, just thirsty. So come on Tea, aren’t you excited?”

    “About this whole RIOT Force thing?” Teana glanced at her own can, pulling her knees against her chest as she swirled the can’s contents. “I dunno. I mean, it does sound like a great opportunity, but…”

    “But?” Subaru tilted her head slightly, looking almost like a confused puppy.

    “You heard what Captain Harlaown said. They’re looking for people who are special…” She took a swallow of her juice and grimaced. “You know, the unique and gifted. I really don’t think that applies to someone like me. I mean, my scores are good, and I‘m skilled at shooting and illusion magic, but…”

    “Hmmmm?”

    Teana blinked, glancing over to Subaru. The other girl had an almost cat-like smirk on her face. “What? Don’t smile like that at me, it’s creepy.”

    “I know what this is,” Subaru grinned as she spoke in a playful, sing-song like voice.

    “What?”

    “You’re thinking about joining, aren’t you?”

    Teana snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

    “I know you Tea. You always try to talk yourself out of stuff like this. I keep telling you not to be so cautious.”

    “And as usual, you try to drag me along, kicking and screaming.” Tea emptied her can and sighed. “You’re always like this. I swear, sometimes I feel like I‘m leashed to a giant puppy. A giant, rollerblade-wearing puppy.”

    Subaru giggled. “Yup! But come on Tea, this is a golden opportunity!”

    Teana sighed, resting her chin against her knees. She has a point… this would be a great opportunity for me. If I could get Captain Chrono Harlaown of all people to mentor me, I’d be a shoo-in to be an Enforcer. Even if he’s not active in the field anymore, he’d be a godsend to my career.

    But… her fingers clenched slightly around her can of juice, I’d be training under ponies… I guess I could stomach it, but after what happened with my brother…

    “Tea?”

    “Hrm?” Teana glanced up at Subaru.

    “You… are planning on joining, right?” Subaru seemed a bit more serious now, a small frown on her lips. “Remember, you promised…”

    “…that we’d look out for each other, no matter what.” Tea finished Subaru’s sentence, shaking her head. “Like I’d forget something like that.” She paused, frowning as Subaru gave her an almost puppy-dog like stare. “Ugh! Fine. As usual, I’ll let you pull me along. Someone‘s got to keep an eye on you after all, so it might as well be me.”

    Subaru’s frown melted away as she hugged Teana tightly. “Yay! I knew you’d come around!”

    “Gah! Subaru!”

    “Just imagine!” Subaru pressed her cheek against hers, sweeping an arm before Teana. “Imagine the two of us: you an elite Enforcer, me an Ace just like Twilight Sparkle, just like we planned!”

    “Subaru, I can’t breathe!”

    “Eep! Sorry!” Subaru let go quickly, allowing Teana to gasp for breath.

    ---

    “Ugh… I’m glad that’s over,” Spike groaned, rubbing his temples as he walked alongside Scootaloo. The pair garnered more than a few curious stares as they made their way through the hall

    “You and me both,” Scootaloo huffed as she trotted along. “I never thought she’d finish. I mean, I get it; I screwed up. I‘d like to move on.”

    “You didn’t exactly help much when you rolled your eyes at her.” Spike shook his head as Scootaloo flicked her tail at him.

    “I already apologized to you, what more did she want?”

    “Scootaloo…”

    “What?” Scootaloo glanced back at Spike as the dragon frowned at her.

    “Look,” he said calmly, “I get that things haven’t exactly been good for you recently. From what I heard from Twilight, it sounded pretty rough. I’m sorry for the stuff you went through, but taking it out on the people trying to help you really isn’t going to work. It‘s definitely not going to win you any points with Chrono, that‘s for sure.”

    Scootaloo looked at him for a moment before letting out a huff, puffing out her cheeks as she did so. “Yeah, I guess you‘re right…”

    “Have you, you know… talked to anypony about it?” Spike tilted his head.

    “Yeah. Fate,” Scootaloo paused, then corrected herself, “Er, I mean Captain Sparkle sent me to a counselor. Didn’t help much though. Look, if I promise to work on it, will you leave me alone?”

    Spike shrugged. “If you’ll actually work on it, yeah.”

    “What’s that supposed to mean?”

    “Exactly what it sounds like. This is a fresh start Scootaloo, just like Twilight said. Make the best of it. Who knows, you might actually end up making some friends.”

    “Yeah, friends.” Scootaloo glanced away with a sigh.

    Spike sighed, scratching at one ear-frill. “I’m assuming you’re still joining the unit.”

    “I don’t have much choice in the matter,” Scootaloo replied as they approached the elevator. She reached up, pressing the call button with one hoof. “It’s either this or back to the Guard, and I don’t plan on going back there until it’s safe. What about you?”

    Spike shrugged. “Me and Zafira talked it over before we came here. He agreed this was the best way for me to get stronger. If I’m going to be a proper Knight for her, I’m going to have to expose myself to a lot of new stuff.”

    “For her?” Scootaloo blinked as Spike stepped into the elevator ahead of her.

    “Yeah,” Spike said softly. “You’re not the only one who’s had problems, Scootaloo…”
  11. JumperPrime Interdimensional Observer

    Hmm. Sounds like my theory about a pony being involved in the incident where Teana's brother was killed was on the money. Scootaloo's reaction to the idea of making friends makes me think there may be merit to my theory of the Cutie Mark Crusaders having a falling out, though I wonder what she means by "until it's safe." She makes it sound like she'd be in danger if she went back to Equestria.
  12. CV12Hornet Home base to the madmen.

    And looks like Spike's having love problems.
  13. Captain Sparkle, heh? Looks like Fate joined the Equestrian Royal Guard, probably the Night Guard division, rather than the Enforcers this time?

    Teena's brother was hurt or killed in an op involving Equestrians. I wonder if Scoot and Teena are coming at the same incident from opposite sides?
  14. Damn, so this time the Equestrians were involved with what happened to him? This is almost certainly going to make things difficult.

    Oh crap. Either it's the same incident that Tea's brother was caught up in, or something nasty happened in the Guard. Either way, this is also not a very pretty scenario.

    Looks like Spike intends to get stronger so he can protect Rarity. Because I can't think of anyone else he would want to be a Knight for.
  15. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    Seriously? No. Scootaloo was not raped. I am not so tacky and crass as to do that to a fan favorite character just to get a rise out of people. As I said before, Scootaloo's issues will be addressed later on.
    Filraen and Sunder the Gold like this.
  16. Sorry. I was just making a guess based on what she said.:oops:
  17. Changed my guess to something nasty happening in the Guard.
  18. Dangerous could also mean that Scootaloo thinks she has control issues that she needs to deal with before she can safely operate with the guard (i.e. she thinks the problem is her, not the guard).
  19. JumperPrime Interdimensional Observer

    If she were a unicorn, I could buy that, remember what Twilight was like when she was a filly. Spikezilla anyone? But Scootaloo is a Pegasus. What kinda excess power issues could she be dealing with on that scale? It's not like she was putting out 747-level backwash when she was propelling herself during the test.
    WarpObscura likes this.
  20. Kaotix Crazy in a Box with a Side of Fries

    *Imagines Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage bouncing gleefully on their tethers behind the backwash from Scoot's wings*
    Sunder the Gold likes this.
  21. Adam: Hey Jamie, don't you think this is weird, even by our standards?

    Jamie: Not really. I've seen weirder stuff.;)
    Filraen likes this.
  22. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    There was a chime as the elevator doors opened for Chrono, allowing him to step out and into the Central lobby. He stepped out onto the floor, his shoes clicking on the polished white tiles as he walked. Bureau personnel went about their business around him, paying little mind to him as he paused for a moment, looking around.

    Now, where the blazes are they? If they’re late, I‘m going to….

    “Chrono!”

    Chrono paused as a familiar voice called out to him, quickly turning towards the source. The speaker was a young man only a few years his junior. He was about his height, with thick, sandy-blonde hair that was tied back in a slim, waist-length pony tail. His eyes behind his round glasses were bright and green, and his skin was slightly tanned. He was wearing a dark olive suit with a cream colored shirt underneath it. A coin-sized, ovoid-shaped emerald rested against his chest atop his bolero tie.

    “Yuuno! Good to see you.” Chrono extended his good hand, which Yuuno quickly clasped.

    “Good to see you too,” Yuuno replied, pulling Chrono into a quick hug before letting go. “It’s been a while.”

    “Six months, give or take,” Chrono replied, glancing over Yuuno’s shoulder. “Where’s Fate? I thought she’d be with you.”

    “She’s waiting outside. We just got here, so I came inside to get you.”

    “Heh. I see you’re still letting your hair grow out, ferret boy,” Chrono teased, reaching over and flicking Yuuno’s pony-tail as they walked. “If you let it get any longer, someone might mistake it for a leash.”

    “How kind of you to keep an eye on my appearance, Captain Harlaown,” Yuuno shot back with a smirk. “It’s rather handy to have someone like you around.”

    “Oh sure, make fun of the cripple. Real smart. I could have you arrested, you know.”

    “For what, taunting with intent to annoy? Good luck getting the charges to stick.”

    Chrono chuckled softly. “You know, you weren’t always this snappy on the comebacks.”

    Yuuno shrugged in reply. “Comes with the territory. Sarcasm runs in Twilight‘s family, and I learn fast. Speaking of which, I thought Twilight would be down here by now.”

    “She’s probably just running behind. She had to have a chat with Scootaloo and Spike.”

    “Did they pass?”

    “Mostly.”

    “Hrm. One second, I’ll check in on her.” Yuuno glanced downward quickly. “Oculus? Could you contact Twilight Sparkle?”

    “YES, SIR,” the emerald on Yuuno’s tie chimed as it replied.

    “Well, that’s new.” Chrono replied. “When’d you get a Device?”

    “It was Twilight’s Hearth’s Warming gift to me. It’s nothing extraordinary, but it’s got a basic AI and a pretty good amount of processing power to it.”

    “Equestrian-made?”

    “Mhmm. Even the gem’s native. Twilight built it herself.”

    “Might want to keep an eye on it then,” Chrono replied. “Someone might try to walk off with it and dissect it…”

    Yuuno nodded as a small holographic window popped up in front of him, Twilight’s face filling it. “Yuuno! Oh my gosh, I completely forgot that you two coming here!”

    “Hey, it’s alright Twilight,” Yuuno smiled. “We weren’t here long. Where are you?”

    “I was just dropping some things off real quick. I’ll be right down! Don‘t go anywhere! Seriously, don‘t even move!”

    “Hey, don’t-” Yuuno began as the window winked out, then let out a sigh, “rush…”

    “Heh, looks like she’s eager to see you. Are you two still living together?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Ooh, scandal,” Chrono smirked, causing Yuuno to roll his eyes and sigh in exasperation.

    “It’s just for convenience since we both work at RETA. Heck, we have separate bedrooms. And yes, I’m fully aware of the rumors, thank you. Our relationship is strictly platonic.”

    Chrono shrugged and glanced back as the elevator doors opened, Twilight quickly rushing out, glancing around quickly before galloping over to them. “Sorry I’m late. I would have teleported down here, but with all the wards this place has it wouldn’t be safe.”

    “Wise decision,” Yuuno replied as he crouched down. Twilight reared up to meet him, the two sharing a quick hug before Yuuno let go. “So, who’s up for lunch?”

    “There’s this place a few miles south of here that does really nice vegetarian cuisine,” Twilight suggested as she began to trot off towards the doors. “Chrono and I ate there last night…”

    “Well, we’ll have to ask Fate,” Chrono noted, following Twilight and Yuuno out of the doors.

    Just down the steps leading up to the entrance stood another pony. She was tall and slender, almost model-like in proportions with a smooth, slim muzzle. Her coat was a pale pastel yellow, and a long, fluted horn protruded from her brow between her brilliant ruby red eyes. She was wearing an Equestrian military uniform; a black uniform jacket with violet and gold patches on the shoulders buttoned over a white shirt and a black tie. A Captain’s rank badge decorated either sleeve. Her mane was tucked under a black beret with a heraldic badge sewn onto it; a shield bearing a golden waxing crescent moon with a single wing on a field of purple. Her tail was braided, the thick hair glittering like spun gold in the sunlight.

    “Fate!” Twilight shouted as she galloped over to her younger sister. Fate smiled, quickly embracing the purple mare. Despite being younger than Twilight, Fate was taller than her by a few inches.

    “It’s good to see you Twilight,” Fate nuzzled her mane gently before breaking the hug. “How did the exam go?”

    “It went fine. I’ll tell you more about it over lunch. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving…”

    “Captain Testarossa-Sparkle,” Chrono nodded politely as he approached.

    “Captain Harlaown,” Fate replied, inclining her head in return.

    “Now, now,” Twilight chuckled. “There’s no need to be formal. We’re all friends, after all.”

    “I suppose you’re right,” Fate replied with a small smile, looking up at Chrono.

    “Then as a friend, let me say that the uniform looks good on you, Fate.” Chrono chuckled as Fate blushed. “You know, I think this is the first time I‘ve seen you in a proper uniform. I’m used to seeing you in your Barrier Jacket. Let me guess, it‘s mostly based off the Wonderbolts outfit?”

    Fate nodded. “Princess Luna wanted it to be similar, yes. Since I’m the leader of the Shadowbolts, it’s fitting that I be in proper uniform while visiting.”

    “That’s a name I haven’t heard in a while,” Chrono replied. “How’s that been working out?”

    “Rough. But we can discuss it at length over lunch.” Fate turned to Yuuno. “Yuuno, could you go get the van?”

    Chrono blinked. “You know how to drive, Yuuno?”

    Yuuno smirked. “I am a man of many talents, Chrono.”

    “You’d have to be. Tell me, can your little paws reach the pedals?”

    “About as well as you can see through a pair of binoculars.”

    “Boys,” Twilight groaned, “please, contain yourselves.”
    ---

    As a side note: Fate's 'adult' body is similar to Fleur-de-Lis. The Shadowbolt's crest is designed to be a 'heroic' version of the marks from Elements of Harmony Part 2, with the waxing crescent moon replacing the skull.
  23. Added a missing word.

  24. Huh, this is a pleasant surprise. I've often wondered if you are going to make Fate quite the beauty when she grows up. I wonder if Fate's got quite a number of admirers back in Equestria due to her exotic looks.
  25. PurpleProse Squishy Purple Unicorn

    To be fair, canon!Fate is pretty darn smoking herself. It made sense to keep that even as a pony. She was noticably 'cute' as a filly, if a bit on the thin side. However, she grew up nicely.

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