Mass Effect: Glorious Shotgun Princess (ME/Exalted)

And now, back on track, why do I get the feeling that what'shername is going to survive her battle with Shepard and become something of a worthy opponent...

And the WHAM will come when Sheppard gets curbstomped fighting one of the Reapers one-on-one in spite of her powers.

And suddenly I'm reminded of:

Asari do to (you have the option to upgrade Liara's biotic implants a few times in ME1 IIRC).

{Edit, crap. Sorry, for some reason Xenforo is showing old comments as my latest 'unread' in this thread.}

De-lurking to mention a couple things:

I fully expect Joker to make references to the Most Common Super Power when discussing the fancy new powers that Sheperd got. Bonus points if this is the first thing he mentions after witnessing her punchsplode everything within a half block radius.

Secondly, this story needs more Krogan. This story is still lacking something, and that something is space traveling rednecks.

Thirdly, a query: magic blue space lesbians aside, why the assumption that Asari use vibrators? Given what we know about how they have sex, wouldn't a neural stimulator (with custom VI interface for that "enhanced immersion experience") be much more likely in terms of sex toys? The Asari equivalent of the birth canal might not be linked to sexy fun time at all.

A century of work as one of the premier special operations soldiers in the galaxy has given her the poise and calmness to keep from swearing until her throat was raw. Tela Vasir is not a happy person. For the past hundred years, she's had a very strictly defined business relationship with the Shadow Broker. He gives her the information she needs to keep the galaxy safe, and she takes care of threats to his organization.

And now he asked her to kill a hero. She's going to have a talk with him.

And then maybe talk about how an unarmed, unarmored woman made a complete mockery of a Blue Suns squadron and his own personal wetworks group.

Possibly while laughing at him. If she can get to him, of course.

Her musings end and she looks up at her hood. Impossibility mounts on impossibility. Jane Shepard stands on her car, and standing on it at the high speeds despite having no armor. The redhead smile, and brings her fist back.

Vasir, on the other hand, brings her foot down on the accelerator, and the human spectre hits the windshield and bounces.

“Damn it,” she growls.

And she screams that louder when the roof dents. And again.




The skycar scrapes against the sides of the tunnel, sparks flying off its side as it accelerates and leaves the exploding truck behind it. Three more vehicles, narrower, single engines blazing on their backs, guns extending from their front, fly over it.

“She has company!” Liara shouts, “What kind of weapons does this car have?”

Joker shrugs, and taps a button on the right side of the console.

The back part of the car's roof opens, and a rocket fires out. A second later, and it explodes into a swarm of mini missiles, blowing up two of the pursuing craft.

“Well it is Garrus's car...”

The tunnel speeds past and becomes the skyline once again. And all three scream as the gunship drops out from above.

The car banks. He hears the two women bounce against the side, the missiles flying past his own side, the shields of the skycar fizzling as bullets impact it.

A missile hits, sheering off a chunk of the armor. He doesn't hear screaming. Instead, he hears the wind whipping past, turns around, and sees the back seat empty.

“Oh what the shit-”

The car dives, accelerating towards the two figures falling towards Illium below. Bullets race past the car, gunship and fighter in pursuit. The car bobs, weaves, dodging between traffic, sliding between cars, the fighter colliding with a bus and exploding with the gunship still in pursuit.

Instincts take over. Instincts her will admit are not the smartest ones to use with a car, but instincts nonetheless. He taps one button. A compartment on the back opens and a pellet fires out, hitting the windshield of the gunship and covering it with a thick, black liquid, sending it flying blindly as the liquid nitrogen cracks the windshield, shorts the radar, and sends it slamming into an oncoming truck.

Another button, and the chassis opens up, the wind tearing Joker's cap off his head, gently pulling the nose of the car up, eyes closed against the window and operating by instinct, by muscle memory. And the chassis closes as the car rises back into pursuit.

He turns, grabs his hat from the floor, and looks at the two women in the back seat. They stare back at him, eyes wide open, Liara's face a pale teal.

“Buckle up,” Joker says.

Nodding, they quickly do so, and Joker floors the accelerator.

Ah yes. My favorite line from Joker

Yes, I suppose no one should be surprised that Garrus had missiles, a paint gun(?) and an afterburner installed on his car.

Though I imagine that he's going to be a bit annoyed with Joker for putting new holes in it.

Actually, scratch that. He'll be annoyed that Joker did it without him there.

When Joker's driving, you always stay buckled in until the ride comes to a complete stop. Then you reach for the barf bag.

Buckle up! It saves lives...

I consider it his catchphrase.

1. Oh yes. Yes he will. He may order her special armor with boob windows, too. And then ask her not to punchsplode him.

2. It will. Grunt will be...overjoyed to meet Solar Shepard.

3. In the ME3 sex scene with maleshep/Liara, it's pretty obvious Operation Hammer has broken through Operation Shield. And she's pretty likely to be enjoying it.

She may spare him. But only if he gives her the name of the person responsible for this - and to her utter lack of surprise, it turns out to be her great enemy, her ultimate foe, the bane of her existence... the Alliance Requisitions Officer from the Normandy, who made her pay for all her own guns and equipment.

Didn't he die when the Normandy was attacked?

He never had a name, so no telling if any of the 20 dogtags you pick up on Alchera (out of 28 non-squad people on Normandy) was his. Since Adams made it out, and Tali made it out, he could have as well.

Uh... not to distract from the chance for Joker to show how awesome he is, but didn't Liara very noticeably buckle up? Like an entire paragraph focusing on it to set up a joke about Miranda not doing so and then paying the price?

I'm assuming she did, but the damage to the car was to great for the buckles to hold. So she has to buckle up again.

And then she unbuckled. And hilarity ensued.

Liara also unbuckled when she leaned forward to point at Telas car, no?

That snip was concentrated awesome. At this pace, Miranda won't care about Vrolik Syndrome and want Jokers babies only for whatever genes give that kind of piloting skills.

Yes, she did. And yes, the point is that Joker is to driving/flying that, say, Commander Shepard is to reaper killing. Her is the very definition of the Heroic Mortal. He isn't getting an exaltation because he don't need one.

Be fair: he's just a middle-man, and it's not like he has a choice.

Isn't that pretty much a prerequisite for solar exaltation?

Observation: Liquid nitrogen is a clear liquid, no black.

One could go so far as to say that if vehicles could Exalt, Joker would be that exaltation itself.

The UpTo11!Joker from this story will have a lot of fun with the SR2 and EDI.


EDI: "What... what just... I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE LIKE THAT! PHYSICS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!"

Shep: "Joker, quit making zombie Newton cry unnecessarily?"

Joker will inevitably break physics with a starship in this fic. After all, Shepard can d it, and knowing you can do it is half the battle done.

Small typo, Gregg.