So someone handed me a preview copy of The Amazon Legion by Tom Kratman the other day and in stark, raving horror I began to read its utterly misogynist bullshit. But it turns out its the latest book in a series and it really takes no effort to explain itself so I had to sadly head to the beginning with Tom Kratman's A Desert Called Peace. Halfway through the book (which is nearly a thousand pages long!), I realized that if I was going to have to start at the beginning and inflict share it on the rest of you.... So lets take this turkey from the top! I am pasting these directly out of an E-Book copy, so any of the many, many errors\mistakes\etc are the authors, not mine. So we hit the first actual bit of content after the copyright and dedications. If you don't get what he's talking about here, don't worry, you'll see how brazen he is in his laziness of transferring the real world into his fake one: We'll have Space Al Qaeda performing a Space 9/11 on the Space USA who invades Space Afghanistan and Space Iraq with the help of a Space Coalition of the Willing including Space Britain! And that's just the tip of the iceberg off how blatant it is, it does indeed get worse! Here are some definite warning signs about the unbridled suck you are about to receive. *sighs heavily* Skipping the prologue, which for the sake of brevity I will sum up as "We meet Tom Kratman's future Nemesis and only one capable of matching him: Arab Tom Kratman", we dive right into Part One, Chapter One of this turd. We get a scene establishing that we are in fact in space, which you can be forgiven for forgetting later since it only minimally effects the plot. On board a Space UN, we get to meet our future antagonist. So we get to see that the Space UN has a caste system. Complete with proles and everything! I'm sure this won't be in any way groan inducing in the future! Kratman lays a bit of pipe next, stating that only one nation on the planet of Terra Nova can challenge the Space UN and that's The Federated States of Columbia Space America! The Space UN controls space but Space US has nukes capable of striking back against the ships and destroying the Space UN's base on the planet after they were randomly nuked by the Space UN at the end of the "great war". Here we see that Terra Nova has the exact same population as Earth in 2001. That's an odd coincidence isn't it? Oh right, this admiral hits god damn everything. First off, you aren't reading that wrong: He did in fact have them name a warship after Kofi Annan. Secondly though, this is where we start finding out that the Space UNs tech base is decaying rapidly because of... uh ....Progressive? So yes, because of the evil mind numbing power of Progressive, the Space UN is worried about the Terra Novans coming and destroying them because of how far they've regressed. How far? They've regressed so far that the Terra Novans (who had basically no tech to start) supply the parts for their ships! See, being a Progressive makes you naturally stupid and slothful in the Kratmanverse! CURSE YOU GOLDLINE! And Kratman plays the "People I don't like are Pedos" card! We get more pipe about how shitty the Space UN Earth is since Progressive took over. Their ships are all falling apart and they need to sell their art to pay for supplies. People on Earth are freezing to death and glaciers are roaming as far south as Atlanta because they stopped Global Warming. Most of the population are Serfs to the UN Aristocracy, etc. The admiral goes down to pawn Earth's art (Donated by the Caliphate of Rome from the Vaticans stores.) Here we get briefly introduced to the Tauran Union Space EU. If you're wondering why they're called the Tauran Union, don't worry, he explains it in about 350 pages and its about as immature as you can get: The continent looks like a bull with a raging hard on. Yes, I am serious. Robinson spends the next several pages scheming about what to do about the Space US and is approached by the head of Space Al Qaeda asking for a deal. Then it cuts to probably the most confusing thing that Kratman does in this series: Interstitial flashbacks. Each chapter has a bit explaining a tiny sliver of backstory. Most authors have the sense to do that in one lump sum or even say, at the beginning of the book. Not Kratman! We don't even get an explanation for the retarded state of the world till about 350 pages into this "masterpiece". For the next couple chapters, its just boring fluff about the probe they sent that disappeared so its of no consequence yet. Now, this seems pretty bad but not epically bad so far. But just wait, we're about to meet the protaganist: Tom Kratman. Oh his name is Patrick Hennessy in the book, this is the Tom Kratmaniest Tom Kratman insert of Tom Kratman ever. This book is about to become an ode to how much this man loves himself and even Kim Jong Ill would tell him to back the fuck off the egotism. This self insert could only be more obvious if he just named the Character "Tom Kratman". Don't believe me? Oh hey, look at that. Lets look at his wife who will be introduced briefly. Now here's Tom's wife: Tom describes her as: Now where have I heard that blurb before? Oh right, in this god damn book. Its Tom Kratman and his wife in the story without any kind of reasonable doubt. Which will make things weird as we progress.... But hey, lets see what Hennessey is up to! Alright, he loves to read, nothing wrong with that I guess. Or Tom Kratman LIVES ONLY FOR WAR! The better to kill those commies and Muslims with! Tom Kratman is an artist of war! We find out though that Hennessey has some demons: So the only thing from becoming a full blown psychopath is his wife? Where is she right now? Uh oh.... You're not.... Please tell me you're not... You are... Our Folk Singer terrorist begins singing a take off of Leaving On A Jet Plane And then....this happens: Gayest. Terrorists. Ever. You know, they may be terrorists but that was just unneeded bigotry there, random extra character! This brings us to a random drinking game I've come up with: Take a drink every time a female character dies horribly. Tom Kratman loves himself some women dying horrible deaths. Woman with her throat horribly ripped open and possibly beaten to death with a guitar? Take a Drink (Drinks: 1) Well of course, he's a man after all. I really think this is a failure on the part of the Space TSA. Yes folks, he really, really is. Hanker? Oh my god, Yusef is a converted Time for Timer! THIS IS WHAT SOUTH DAKOTA BOY WARNED US ABOUT! Oh yeah, they're getting that sucker up to what? 100 KPH? The story cuts to Linda Hennessey arriving at the Space WTC with her children to talk to her step uncle who has disowned Tom Kratman Patrick Hennessey. Yes, Lawyers are in fact toxic. Be sure to remember to wear all applicable safety gear when near Lord Squishy or you may be exposed to dangerous levels of Lawyer Toxicity. Oh, don't dare think that she's getting away that easy! (get your glasses ready) Yes, the airship easily penetrates a building despite having probably only double digit MPH airspeed. They don't make Space WTCs like they used to. Lawyer bowling! Also, its not wise to secure your engines with bailing wire and scotch tape. SQUISHY? NOOOOOO! Lawyers are dying by the truck load! I prefer the hint of lime, but whatever you prefer. Watch out, that smoke is coming from burning lawyers, so its got to be toxic! Blatant enough for you yet? Don't worry, everyone is watching these happen repeatedly on news coverage. Because September 11th didn't have enough Misogyny for Tom. Nope, still not blatant enough yet: People are starting to jump out to avoid burning to death. Tom has a last conversation with his wife and kids while his uncle changes his will at the last minute. Tom Kratman decided that real life was just too subtle so he inserted this: Yes folks, there is a "swarthy" Muslim pointing and laughing inside the Space WTC at people and telling them how they're infidels who are going to burn to death. You did not have a micro seizure and imagine that, like I was afraid happened to me. AND THIS AFTER WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AT THE COMPANY PICNIC! Well good news Julio, you're apparently not adopted! Tom Kratman, faced with a situation that is supposed to be somber, cannot help but fluff his prowess and by extension, his ego: Stay classy. Get your glasses ready folks! *pours out a shot* Wife and two daughters getting splattered on the pavement? Take a Drink (Drinks: 2) She was pregnant too? In the revenge flick business, they call that a combo! Wait.... Space Israel is occupying Space Palestine? This is starting to feel like a Sub\Dom relationship here. Hey guys, remember this from September 11th? TOM KRATMAN DOES. Uh oh, this doesn't bode well for the future chapters... Well, we're through the first five chapters. Yet to come is Tom Kratman murdering innocent people to death with sadistic glee, forming paramilitary organizations who's purpose is to kill Muslims and showing us how he thinks the War on Terror would have gone if he had been in charge the whole time. Plus don't worry, this "cyclic" timeline gets even more bullshit!