The First Battle

Just a little test piece for a much larger universe I've been making. I know I'm mixing French and Roman terminology. It's deliberate.

The First Battle

From: General Wang, 6th Colonial Legion
To: Colonel White, 6th Colonial Legion, rd Cohort.
Priority: Grey
Subject: Operational Order 51938

Situation:
(1) At 09:18 Zulu on the 25th, aerial observation detected eight groups 100+ nomads each (Total number believed to be ~1000 adults) crossing the Latner from North to South around grid reference Echo 81-39-98-52.
Spot Report
Imagery

(2) Shortly afterwards (09:22) parties of New Zwickau regulars where observed crossing in the same location, apparently hoping to use the Nomads as cover.
Spot Report
Imagery

Enemy:
(1) Current intelligence is unclear as to precise enemy intentions or formations involved in the crossing.
Intelligence Summary

(2) Closest enemy formation is the 8th New Zwickau Volunteer Division. Unit is primarily truck-borne infantry supported by light guns and combat servitors. The division is believed to be reinforced with the Seventh Separate Tank Regiment. Both units are believed to be at 95%+ strength
The enemy is unlikely to have air support due to point defence grid.
The enemy is supported by artillery with a range of forty kilometres.

8th New Zwickau Volunteer Division Composition
7th Separate Tank Regiment Composition
Known enemy positions

(3) Enemy may call upon elements of the 3rd Mnemosyne Division and the 5th New Zwickau River Gunboat Division to reinforce. Both are believed to be at ninety five percent + Strength.
3rd Mnemosyne Division Composition
5th River Gunboat Flotilla Composition

Friendly:
(1)The Rest of the 6th Legion is moving to reinforce your position. You are the primary effort for this operation. Intent is to clear any enemy troops from the South side of the and affirm company claims to that the boarder runs along the middle of the Latner.
6th Legion Composition

(2) Fire Support is available from 9th Fire Cohort and Legion weapons.
Composition & Protocols

Mission:
(1) Depart Firebase Black Castle at no later than 20:00 Zulu on the twenty fifth and conduct reconnaissance in force to locate and identify any unauthorized military units which have violated the Latner line.

(2) Engage and destroy of all non-company military units encountered with up to level three force. Pursuit operations are authorized up to the Latner.

(3) Under no circumstances are friendly forces to cross the Latner.

(4) You are authorized to initiate fire across the border only if engaged from New Zwickau territory. If engaged, take all actions necessary for self defence except the movement of ground forces across the river.

(5) Conduct census and humanitarian operations on any nomads encountered once enemy forces have been destroyed or before they are encountered.

View Long Form Order
View Intelligence Summary
View Relevant Maps
Activate Staff Computer

Part One
Planet Adrabad
Near the River Latner
8 AM.


Laurence looked out of the howdah's vision slit on his side, watching the terrain go past. The view rocked with each of the mount's steps, Laurence careful to keep his view relatively far from the vehicle to avoid motion sickness. This, he thought, was an alien world. They'd ridden all night, and with the sun coming up Laurence was finally getting a good look at the wilds.

The road was ancient. In the briefing book it had said these roads where over a million years old, remains of the long vanished Faran, to whom Adrabad had been a colony as it now was to the humans. Nothing grew the road, but it was starting to show signs of wear, it's surface chipped and mottled, but still shining in the sun.

On the side lettuce red scrub grew out about a hundred meters, then stopped abruptly at the edge of blue green trees. A few terrain plants grew in the forest but that didn't make it look less sinister. The canopy moved and shifted, and Laurence's felt a chill, imagining the creatures he'd seen in the briefing book crawling through that thick tangle of blue and green plants.

Laurence was shaken out of his reflection by a cheerful voice from beside him. "Hey Hammond! You ever think when you joined the legion they'd let you ride a dinosaur?" Of course, Laurence knew that a thataderm wasn't really a dinosaur. Still, the long faced, heavily scaled creatures with their strange, side splayed legs and long pointed tails certainly looked the part. The beasts where also fast and untiring. Even with a howdah on their back and a heavy trailer and towed gun behind they ran tirelessly, moving as fast as a ground jeep.

"I can honestly say that's not something the recruiter mentioned Sergeant." Laurence looked over at his squad leader, taking care not to bang into him as he turned. It was pretty cramped inside the howdah. Three troops on this level sharing the armoured box with various radios, electronics, and the power packs for the point defence lasers on top. The internal light was weird too, the text on several glowing screens washing distorted reflections across the legionnaires armour.

"They're falling down on their jobs Son. I tell you." Sergeant Samad grinned, teeth white in his coffee coloured face. "If they'd have told me I'd get to ride on dinosaurs I'd have joined up years earlier and been a Colonel by now!"

"Why did you join up Sergeant?" Laurence asked looking over at the other man before returning his gaze to the outside, not wanting to miss any of the view.

"Money of course." Samad said conversationally. "Conditions too. I figured I'd be doing the same job I was doing in Hajjar City, only the pay's better and now I get to blow people who annoyed me away with laser cannons." Laurence could feel his squad leader grinning. "Something similar for you yes?"

"Yes Sergeant... well, I also got in a bit of trouble back home." Laurence put one hand to the back of his head in a sheepish motion. The idea of blowing people away with laser cannons appealed to him far more than he was willing to admit. He hoped he'd get chance to do some of that this tour. Really though he wanted to shoot the slim personal defence laser he was wearing slung on his webbing. Now that would be real combat. Weapons aimed by sight and fired personally.

"Got a nomad encampment right up ahead Sarge." The voice of Legionnaire Escobar sounded from the howdah's upper level. The top of the armoured box was a low roofed vault surrounded by a mass of screens and access panels. Laurence didn't envy her up there in the cramped, hot uncomfortable space "Looks like a big one, maybe a hundred."

"This something you're seeing on the pod or on the UAV?" Samad asked, referring to the big sensor pod mounted on top of the howdah

"It's on the UAV feed. They're off road maybe a klick out, about three hundred meters offset, in some low ground red ground. Looks like there's a path through the canopy. They probably scouted it earlier, trying to find a spot where no-one on the road would see them."

"Stupid fuckers." The sergeant said it without heat "Should know we've got eyes in the air. Oh well, we can explain to them how dumb they are when we meet them. See if they know anything about these New Zwickau phantoms that got us out all this way... Hilde call it in, Amanda, get the bots deployed." He slapped Laurence on the shoulder "Keep a sharp lookout huh?"

Laurence opened his mouth to reply then realized he was being teased and blushed, hoping nobody would notice in the uncertain gloom of the howdah. Samad had already turned away, keying his radio on the frequency that linked them to the squad's second thataderm behind. "Two-One Baker this is Two-One Able come back."

The radio crackled "Baker."

"Baker, in about an eight of a kilometre we're turning off down a path through the canopy. There's a band of nomads set up camp in some little dell and we're going to question them. Deploy your bots and make sure your gurks have their hands inside the trailer."

"Solid copy on that. We've got them on our UAV too. Baker out."

"Able out." Samad put the radio down and grinned. "I can't wait to see the look on those nomad's faces when we come through the trees."

Laurence didn't really get to see the nomads faces when they came out of the trees. Instead he had to wait until he'd negotiated down the thataderm's flank and to the ground beside it before he got a good look at them. As he climbed down he turned, looking over the nomad encampment. It seemed the patrol had caught them unpacking. Dozens of hulking goat like beasts that his implant informed him where called hikitorms where standing around, loaded down with brightly coloured baggage. Domed tents where being pitched, parents shouting at children to help them make camp.

"Kind of sucks doesn't it?" Laurence looked up at the voice and found Escobar climbing down behind him with easy agility. "Poor bastards. An industrial civilization landed here once, and they fell back to..." She nodded "This."

"I guess so." Laurence shrugged "A lot of early colonies failed." Behind them, the second thataderm arrived with its robotic outriders.

"Yeah. What I'll never understand is why they're clinging to it." Escobar jumped down to the squishy ground. "Come on, let's not keep the goat lords waiting." Laurence dropped down a step behind her, finding his balance with slight difficulty on the uneven scrub. Quickly regaining his equalibrium Laurence following Escobar around the front of the thataderm they'd been riding. Samad and Strauss where already moving around the from the other side. Two battle robots vaguely resembling giant, semi-humanoid toads dropped off the trailer and stalked up in the humans wake.

By the four humans and their escorts had assembled a deputation had formed, standing anxiously at the edge of the nomad encampment: an old woman and two old men. All three where radiating nervousness. The empathic receiver in Laurence's helmet homed on them like a dog, then detecting no intent to kill, only fear, lost interest.

Samad made right for the three, striding deliberately. Laurence matched him having some difficulty as he watched the crowd. The nomads looked sullen and a bit frightened. Laurence kept an eye on the most angry looking ones, though it seemed unlikely they'd start a fight. He might be the most junior on the team, and frankly a bit redundant given the amount of robotic firepower arrayed with them, but security was still his job.

"Translator on the channel." A female voice said over the team link. Laurence knew he'd better be careful what he said now, someone at HQ was listening. Then again they could be listening at any time. Almost certainly had been since the nomad camp had been discovered.

The sergeant spoke, the translators voice coming from his suit speakers. "Greetings. I am Sergeant Samad of the Fifth Colonial Legion. I am required to make you aware you have crossed into territory controlled by the Adrabad Colonial Company."

The older woman spoke and after a moment the translator interpreted "Greetings. I am Janesa, headwoman of this company. We welcome you to our encampment."

"Thank you. The company offers you the services of our doctors to provide preventative medical care to your sick and equip your people with the tags that will allow them to trade on Company land. I must inform you that now you are in Company territory you'll be subject to census for tax purposes. You are also subject to company laws."

There was a few moments of discussion between the elders then the woman said "We've roamed these lands for generations, long before the Company came here. What gives you the right to tax us?"

Samad frowned "Well ma'am, I'm only a Sergeant. It's the company that collects taxes." He paused "However, in return for taxation you'll receive medical care, and access to company technology. One way or another it's better your people enter the system. You want your children to be healthy yes?"

The woman's eyes looked from Samad to the metal giant standing beside him. Behind, a dozen snake like aliens had unloaded from the legionaries second trailer. Each carried a massive shoulder cannon and was accompanied by a pair of hovering mosquito guns. The natives occasionally shot appalled glances at the gurks (not their proper name, but a similar sound, and a throwback to another famous mercenary band) clearly terrified by the saurian creatures presence.

The head woman evidently wasn't going to argue anymore. Instead she bowed "Of course." Her eyes. "It is as you say."

Samad smiled, looking slightly elated at the woman's acquiescence and nodded graciously. "A final matter. There have been reports of foreign troops in the area. Have you witnessed any of them?"

The elders looked at one another "No, we've seen no-one but you." The woman said carefully. The empathy detector chimed in Laurence's ear.

"Lying." Escobar whispered, voice angry.

"Forget it." Samad said just as quietly "We know they saw them, that's enough."

"Phantom Two-One-One, this is Phantom Six, come back." The company command group came over the channel before Samad could key it. He bowed to the head woman then responded.

"Phantom Two-one."

"Two-One-One. Leave the doc bots there and proceed south east. UAV has spotted possible enemies to the South East. Move to investigate over." A series of objective markers lit up in Laurence's vision as the company commander spoke, showing where they wanted the squad to go.

"Solid copy on all. Over and out." Samad looked up. "Remount, we're out of here." The team ran back to their mounts, the gurks and combat robots remounting their trailers. Samad gave Laurence a hand up and grinned. "Now we might get in a fight."

He closed the door and looked out. "Baker, as soon as we're through the canopy, unload your gurks and combat robots and get online with us. We'll move in bounding over watch from now on."

The radio double clicked in response. Samad banged the back of Escobar's seat. "Amanda, those drones up?"

"Got a parameter out boss, and link with the soar eagle above us." Escobar replied. "That said, if something's moving in the canopy on the other side of the river the UAV probably won't spot it. The canopy blocks everything and the trunks are so spread out even a tank isn't going to cause tree falls."

"Roger that." Samad didn't sound too happy. "Echelon the bots left to cover the river."

"On it." The thataderms began to move back through the canopy and out onto the path. The side of the creature shimmered as Samad switched on the countermeasures system. Laurence's eyes took a moment to shake hands with the electronic warfare system and clear his vision. He could see the line of ground drones, menacing giants, frog and spider shaped, spreading out into the formation. The gurks ran with them, just as quick, their mosquito guns high over the field.

They continued down the path, still running at a frantic pace, when there was a sudden jarring boom in the distance. Laurence saw something explode in the air over the river. Another boom followed and a second puff of black smoke appeared, closer this time. It too Laurence a moment to realize that these where missiles being detonated by the formation's point defence system.

Escobar was swearing. "Multiple launches from the canopy. Going active on drone one... oh holy shit!" She kicked her door open "Evacuate the vehicle!" Her voice broke "Get out!"

Laurence threw his door open and tumbled free, tucking and rolling as he hit the ground. He didn't see if anyone else got free. All he knew was there was a sudden incredibly loud sound and something shredded the armoured howdah above him like tissue paper.

It's sort of impossible to comment on the more literary shit - characterization, plot, themes, etc. - in a test piece such as this, but I definitely liked what I read. I think avoiding too much direct exposition is good/important/challenging in writing sci-fi, and you're doing a good job of letting the narrative determine what information about the setting the audience receives, and when they receive it.

I know it's only a brief exchange, but I think I'd suggest having your soldiers talk about something besides why they signed up - it's just so generic, you know? There's a very understandable tendency to have some rote conversations so that you can have your characters be people but still get on to the actual meat of the story you want to tell, but I think you'll learn more and produce something more interesting by making each conversation (this goes for the encounter with the headwoman as well) a more difficult encounter in and of itself. People struggling to understand one another (especially with the headwoman), and people trying to connect but being concerned about how they come across and not wanting to share to much. I'd also consider putting more mood right into the description of the setting. You talk about how the forest looks sinister, how Laurence knows there are frightening creatures lurking about deep in there, but you could really draw that out. Make it seem less like Laurence is near a forest he finds creepy, and more like he's amongst creepiness appearing in the form of a forest. The idea of frightening, alien things slithering around just below the surface is a powerful metaphor that you could really connect will all kinds of themes throughout the longer arc.

Just my two cents! Setting definitely feels very lived-in, heterogeneous, historically-dependent. Good stuff.

While it's a test piece they'll be several additional chapters coming up. I figure probably about 6-10 updates in all.

I would agree with Hollewanderer that having the main character be a corporate enforcer is interesting. Though the first discussion about why they joined up felt wooden and infodumpish. A discussion of why soldiers joined the force is cliche, but it helps explore that character, so perhaps refine it rather than ditch it.

Overall I rather liked the whole concept, though I must ask what kind of taxes a bunch of nomads could pay that would be worth collecting. I mean really? Goat hides? What?

Okay:

You're telling the reader, not showing what is alien. when put together with the below, you're telling us what you've shown which can blow a script.

Again you're telling us they've ridden all night (not describe what it felt like), what part of the briefing said. It would be better if it was described, or at least this is what I got from Ron Rozelle's book - Description and Setting.

Now, people say Show, don't Tell. This isn't strictly true according to the above, but you have to know when to do both. Hope that helps?

Planet Adrabad
Near the River Latner
8:41 AM.

Laurence hit and rolled left, out of the shadow of the thataderm's foot. The beast gave an ululating cry that sounded like a terrified emergency vehicle and stumbled forward. Laurence could see black fluid running down it's back from where the remains of the howdah had cut into it. The creature ran forward ten steps then was knocked sideways as something hit it in the head, splattering its tar-like internal fluid across the white of the road. The tank round left a glittering red trail on Laurence's vision as his near miss detector drew in its back path. To Laurence's complete shock the round didn't stop the thataderm, which continued to run down the road, trailing black blood and leaving him in the dust. Behind him the squad's second thataderm had been less fortunate. It lay twitching on the road in a pool of black, it's howdah burning brightly.

Further left a beam of bright green appeared on his vision followed a moment later by another. Where the beam touched the canopy on the other bank fire bloomed up, steam gushing upwards where it touched the river water. For a horrible, dislocating second Laurence thought his eyes where malfunctioning then realized that was that was friendly fire going out. His eyes painted in the flickering beam of the laser in bright friendly green. The drones where shooting back. He'd have to adjust his near miss indicator so it didn't completely wash out the laser. There was a loud explosion on the other bank of the river and a tank winked into existence as its countermeasures failed before a violent secondary explosion lifted its top mounted gun into the air in a massive plume of orange fire.

Laurence decided he wasn't thinking straight. More red scrawls lashed overhead but he somehow felt unworried by them. The enemy was still firing at him, even with the distraction of the drones. He crawled forward, into the cover of a rock by the road side and looked around. Amazingly he could still see the green pin points of all seven of the other squad members. Looking at them he felt a deep sense of relief. The wire frame outlines of his squad mates were all green and yellow. Wounded maybe, but nobody was showing serious injury red anywhere on their frame. It looked like most of the gurks had survived as well. Then again an augmented gurk was supposedly even tougher than an augmented human.

Even over the sound of the firing, team link let Laurnece here Samad on the radio: "Contact. Wait. Out." A rally marker lit up in the canopy over on the right side of the road. "We need better cover. Pop smoke and move to the rally location! Amanda, get some artillery on them!"

"Under the canopy?" Laurence yelped. The last thing he wanted was to go near the sinuous blue green trees.

"It's safer than out here!" Samad yelled back. Laurence immediately felt stupid for contradicting an order like that. What the hell was he thinking?

Escobar was talking now. "Trebuchet, this is Phantom Two-One-One brevet. Targets to suppress. Closest enemy units to my location. Fire for effect." The fire support call was completely truncated but they didn't have time for anything else.

Laurence pulled out a blackout smoke cluster and threw it over to his left, towards the river. The cluster burst apart in mid air, smoke grenades flying off in a mathematically precise line before deploying their payloads. A thick black wall snapped into existence before Laurence, growing as the rest of the squad's smoke joined his. His eyes imposed wire frame images on the smoke, silver terrain with friendly robots marked in green and enemy locations in red. The outline jumped and shifted as the friendly machines supplying it where knocked out.

"Get up and move!" Samad yelled. Laurence blinked and then turned and followed the squad, running as low as he could towards the tree line on the right. Red bars passed around Laurence, hostile rounds going through the smoke. He could hear the crump of friendly artillery landing but it didn't seem to be stopping the enemy from shooting. He was almost at the canopy when something, maybe an infantry rocket detonated behind him. Laurence felt a sharp sting in his back and was hurled forward, into the area covered by the canopy. He realized there was a large drop at the edge of the trees and managed to put his arms over his head, just missing one of the group's remaining spiders, before he slammed into a layer of thick, alga coloured ooze.

He hit the bottom, flailing at the mud there then a strong hand grabbed him and lifted him out "You okay?" Strauss asked, her face concerned under her muddy visor. The gunk slid away as the armour's self cleaning surface rejected it.

"I think... I think it just rang my bell." Laurence replied. His back plate was showing yellow, not red. His back hurt, but the medical readout showed a major bruise, nothing broken.

"Alright, pop a puffball and deploy a noise maker!" Strauss told him, then began to move along the bank.

Again Laurence felt sheepish. Carrying the animal defence gear was his one really vital job and he'd had to be told to deploy them! Hastily he pulled out a puffball and pulled the pin out of the bottom. Actually the device looked more like an old fashioned road flare than anything. The pin in the bottom activated a heating system which sprayed the contents, drawn from a local fungi out in a wide area. Laurence waved the grenade over his head, careful not to expose his arm over the bank while he spread the spores out to maximum area.

The result was immediate and gratifying. The trees shook and several fronds drew back. In the near distance branches shook creatures ran through the foliage. The white spores clung to the groups uniforms, the combat gear designed to pick up and hold them, even in the slime. "Keep moving!" Samad ordered "They might have seen that." Laurence hurried after the rest, fumbling to get the noise maker out of his webbing. He reached around and clipped it to the back of his armour, letting the egg shaped device drop into the slime, the wire spooling out allowing him to drag it along as he splashed through the liquid. The crump of mortar added urgency to his movements. Fortunately it didn't seem like the enemy had their position very localized.

Samad led the team further into the forest, the slime getting deeper as they moved. The gurks hooted softly to one another, One eye following their weapons sights, the other hunting for targets. The sergeant looked back as mortars crashed behind them once more, closer. "They're still following us, they're just slow... it's only a matter of time before they get smart." He frowned. "Hammond, set the timer on one of those puffballs for half minutes and stick it on one of your utility drones."

"Yes Sergeant." Laurence grabbed one of the silverfish shaped drones out of his webbing and wiped the slime off it, then pushed the puffball into the universal holder on its back. The putty like material wrapped around the grenade firmly, and Laurence twisted the end, setting it for thirty seconds and pulling the pin. He hastily put it on a pin as the drone begin to twitch in his hand at Samand's command, sending it hopping away between the widely spaced greenish trunks. The sergeant motioned the squad to head off at a right angle to the running drone.

A moment later the puffball blew and the forest shivered and disturbed again. The mortar fire began to become more distant as the New Zwickau spotters followed the disturbance with their weapons. Laurence began to relax a bit as the pace slowed, then jerked up as he saw movement in front of him. "C-contact!"

The lindwyrm lay on a fallen log, body uncoiled into the slime, tail sculling gently back and forth in the mire. Its head was shaped vaguely like a toadstool, a great rim of dark flesh attached to a long, dark body with far too many legs. Dozens of eyes caught Laurence's reflection as the creature gathered its cloak of tendrils around it. Hundreds of feeding mouths, opened and closed, tasting the air and displaying hundreds of yellowed serrations. Laurence raised the laser to his shoulder, sweating hard inside his armour, almost hypnotised by the mass of eyes staring at him.

A hand laid on his shoulder. Escobar. "Don't fucking shoot." Her voice was a harsh whisper. "We're covered in puffball. It doesn't want us. If you shoot it'll charge."

"W-what should I do." Laurence's voice broke slightly, gazing into the eight mirrored eyes and dozen jaws.

"Keep it covered. If it backs away let it. If it comes for us... yell." She splashed away. The beast watched them for a while then, shook its great head side to side and splashed away into the swamp. Laurence let out the breath he'd been holding.

The group continued to move for another twenty minutes until they finally found a huge fallen log. Laurence pulled the noise maker from his back and clipped it to the side as the team climbed up on top, taking the chance to catch their breath out of the gunk.

"Three sixty security." Samad looked around as the robots, gurks and both human security troops set themselves up in a protective cordon. "Escobar, Guo, talk to me."

"Not much to say boss." Escobar shrugged, flicking slime off herself. Guo seemed inclined to let her do the talking, watching taciturnly from behind. "The UAVs both got scragged in the first couple of seconds. The Soar Eagle can't see shit with all the soup the enemy's putting out. They must have some kind of new ECM. Maybe Mnemosyne or NRKR gear. We tagged at least two companies of enemy armour before they took out the drones and UAVs. Sensor wise the situation's a little better. Bhatt and I've got two Jackdaws each, those can replace the UAVs while their fuel lasts. If we head for the edge of the forest we've also got our pods. The jamming is going to be a real problem though. We'll need to do something about it if you want accurate artillery."

Samad shook his head. "We got to stay deep. The edge of the trees will be planted thick with proximity explosives and sensor micros by now. Get the Jackdaws up and find out where the enemy is. Hilde, can you work up some air and artillery from an area target?"

"No problem Boss." Strauss grinned "Got to get all the fire missions I can in before I get out of the army right?"

"Don't jinx yourself Hessian." Samad shook his head.

Strauss laughed at his superstition and beaconed the other teams fire operator over to her. The pair began to quietly talk shop at one end of the log, conjuring an augmented reality screen to work on out of the air. "We'll flush them out with flechette and counter-radiation then fuck them up with SGAT* and tank busters."

"You don't want to try infernos?" Bhatt asked raising an eyebrow "We've barely got a chance to try those so far." Behind the two fire operators, Guo and Escobar launched the first of their micro-UAVs, the little vehicle shooting up through the canopy and out of sight.

"Command will be pissed if we start a grass fire along the road... you want to work the aircraft and I'll do the artillery?" Strauss responded. Hogging most of the mission for herself Laurence couldn't help but notice. His eavesdropping as interrupted as the other team's security man spoke to him.

"Hey." The man grinned "I don't think we really met before." Laurence looked him over. He was certainly big. Under his visor was a handsome, Teutonic face, a single lock of blond hair hanging over his forehead.

"Ah no, I got in just before we left on this mission." Laurence extended a hand "Laurence Hammond."

"Wolfgang Amsel." The man smiled. "Your first time in combat?"

"Uh... yes." The guy was older and intimidatingly calm seeming.

"Don't worry. Mine too." The hessian looked out at the swamp. "I guess we just leave the technicians to worry about the fighting while we watch out for monsters." Laurence nodded, feeling a little better and the big man went on. "After this fights over, I'm going to see if I can't kill one of those big lindwyrms. The head would look pretty good mounted on my wall at home yes?"

Laurence looked over at him, not sure if the man was joking. The big man grinned but seemed serious enough.

Behind them the fire operators began to incantate, calling fire from the sky.

Strauss spoke first: "Trebuchet this is Phantom Two-One. Targets enemy armoured units, infantry and jammers. In the open and in tree lines. Map Sheet Echo Eight One. Kill box as marked, rounds as indicated. Over" She tapped tapped a finger onto the unreal image she'd conjured and the box lit red, green vectors and flight times appearing on it. "Fire second volley to impact thirty seconds after the first. Fire For Effect"

"Two-One, Trebuchet, fire for effect. Out."

Meantime Bhatt was working on the aircraft. "Hawkeye, Two-One is calling in artillery. Do you receive the Alpha-Alpha** pulse?"

"Copy your Alpha-Alpha Phantom Two-One. Hawks Elements will make their pass one minute after the artillery hits." Bhatt sat back, not having much to do. The combat aircraft would be controlled remotely from a distant command centre. Unlike the artillery the fire operator had little to do with targeting or weapon selection.

Strauss's radio bleeped. "SAM SAM SAM! Eighty degrees, offset ten."

A second voice. "Magnum." The trees shuddered, their tops briefly bleached blue as a high energy laser opened up above.

"Holy fuck! The suppression drone must be right on top of us." Wolfgang said without heat. Laurence looked up as leaves shook down into the swamp.

The first voice resumed. "SAM SAM SAM! zero degrees, zero offset."

"Magnum." The trees shook again and there was a pause "Splash Over."

Strauss keyed her microphone "Splash out."

"Strike over." There was a loud rumble in the distance. Fire mushroomed skywards, visible through the canopy as the tops of the trees swayed, letting through shafts of sunlight.

Strauss looked over at Escobar, who gave the thumbs up. "Strike Out." The FO said. She was grinning now, triumphant. The swamp water rippled and splashed against the log, spreading a deeper green stain across the wood.

Half a minute later the calls repeated. This time ended by a series of individually smaller but collectively longer lasting explosions

"Trebuchet: Rounds complete."

Strauss looked over at Escobar and Guo "Anything left standing?"

"Scanning now. Bhatt, prepare for target data upload." Escobar worked on her own conjured augmented reality diagram for a moment then threw it over to Bhatt, who pressed a key.

"Targeting sent Hawkeye." Bhatt pressed a symbol on her AR display, then reached down and pressed another on her arm.

"Hawkeye copies. Rolling in." There was another distant, earth shaking set of booms

Wolfgang leaned over to Laurence. "It's almost boring isn't it?" He said.

"I wouldn't call it boring." Laurence looked out into the swamps gloom, watching something like a massive armoured crab stalk through the gloom of the trees. "More... impersonal."

Samad's radio bleeped. "Phantom Two-One, this is Two-Six, come back."

"Two-One." Samad stretched slightly, working the kinks out of his back from sitting on the

"Two-One: Proceed two klicks south to marked LZ for extraction."

"Copy." Samad got up. "Well, shows over. Now we hike through the swamp." He wiped his visor. "Hope the amount of slime we're going to have to clean off our gear was worth that Strauss."

The Fire Operator groaned, then grinned. "It's certainly something I'm going to miss in a couple of weeks. I'll say that much."

Samad jumped down into the swamp. "Don't forget the noise maker Hammond. Let's not keep the bird waiting."

Laurence unhooked the device and fished it out of the water before moving to drop it back in on the other side of the log and dropping into the water so he could hook it up to his belt. That done he hurried t follow the rest of the squad. Strange calls and hoots echoed between the trees as the troops walked, and occasionally Laurence or Wolfgang would let off another puffball. Laurence took a deep breath, moderating the air in his suit so it was cooler, and a long drink from the teat near his mouth.

Combat had been something of an anti-climax. He ran a hand over his laser, cleaning the worst of the slime off it and checking the lens's self cleaning was working properly. Looking down at the simple black weapon he wondered if he'd ever get to use it.

*Sensor Guided Anti-Armour
**Altitude & Azimuth

The jargon is a chore to read. The footnotes are a particularly egregious sin. I shouldn’t have to decipher your writing in an action scene. That whole late section where jargon jargons jargon while everyone jargons around jargonning (what would their mothers say?) I skimmed. If you can’t bring yourself to have your characters talk comprehensibly, don’t spell out their conversations line by line.

The battle scene is far too long for characters I don’t yet care about. You aren’t yet introducing characters naturally either. German guy is pretty jarringly Hello, Here Is A New Character, His Memorable Gimmick Is ‘German’.

This is a very long-winded way of saying ‘tarry blood’. A lot of your descriptions could be tightened up and made less mechanistic.

Ouch.

Oh well, that experiment didn't go so well. Do you think that the idea of an action scene you don't see but hear described is good but it needs less technobable or do you think it's just a bad idea?

I think it's a valid idea. But if we're mostly reliant on the dialogue to know what's happening, the dialogue has to be accessible. You can get away with more jargon if it's just exclamations of people about events obvious in themselves, or if the internal life of the perspective character deciphers it for us in a natural way.

I was somewhat reluctant to have an overarching internal narrative because it seemed slightly lazy. Like I'd be just describing the battle without looking at it.

I guess I need to think more about this when I do the main editing.