Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by HecateGW, Apr 5, 2012.
And thank you for reading and for the compliment.
You're better off taking questions like this to the 'ZnT: Back to Basics' thread, rather than asking in a story thread.
Off the top of my head, they have three kinds of coins (Ecu, sous, and deniers), as shown in Vol5 Ch4. I'm not entirely sure how much sous is one ecu though (and how much deniers is one sous), it could be metric like dollars and cents (100 cents = 1 dollar) or it could be something bizarre like in Harry Potter (17 silver Sickles to one gold Galleon IIRC)
Chapter Three, Part Ten: Sowing the Seeds
Originally, I had intended to start the conversation by politely greeting the various people present in the room, but, the decision was taken out of my hands by what appeared to be a tomato attached to a human body by the sheer amount of redness that had suddenly appeared on her face.
'Wonder if she would mimic a steam kettle if I goaded her enough like a lot of the older Western cartoons. Heh, only one way to find out.'
"You, you you!"
"Me, me, me," I responded in a dry voice to Louise as she appeared a bit angry.
"You acted like the perfect Familiar! I allowed you the opportunity to have a meal in the Alviss Dining Hall! I even went so far as to protect your reputation and, and, grrrr...."
While the accusations were flying from her mouth, I text commanded Setsuna to take on a bored posture in order to show just how much her words had an affect on Setsuna. That is to say, none at all.
After a few seconds of nonsensible sounds and growling coming from the pink-haired loli, I decided to take the conversation back under my control before she could start a rant that would probably bore me to death.
*sigh* "Can you blame me for my supposed deception, young Louise? Besides, if you don't stop growling and frothing at the mouth I might think that you have rabies or something similar and I have no desire to get bitten right now."
"Deception! Rabies! Frothing! You will not insult me, Louise of the House of Valliere, with such, such, such common words from your lying mouth. How can I ever forgive such trickery of my person when I was so gra-"
"I apologize for the interruption, but please note that I appeared in a new land, surrounded by an unknown, potentially hostile number of beings surrounding myself, and I was separated from the rest of my Guild."
"Hostile! We are nobles and nobles never strike unjustly against commo-"
"Like that time one of your fellow nobles nearly struck the poor maid whom I doubt you would have bothered to learn the name of had I not informed you."
"Of course, I would not know the name of all the commoners! They live to serve the nobles and the nobles live to guide and prote-"
"You really believe that? Considering the way you so-called nobles treated the staff as nothing more than furniture, I hardly think many other nobles share your views."
"I DO believe it and I will tell you that no one who calls themself a Tristain noble would ever willingly harm a commoner unless they deserv-"
"Blah, blah, blah. Right now you should just open your eyes and take a good long look at your fellow nobles and see if they are actually practicing what you preach. I can believe the older generation would follow such ideals, but after seeing the younger generation of nobles at this academy? I hardly think so."
"That is enough Ms. Valliere," came the soft, but surprisingly stern voice of Professor Colbert as he placed a hand on the shoulder of Louise.
While the hand and voice of the bald badass calmed Louise enough that she stopped arguing, the same could not be said of the other people in the room. Both Tabitha and Miss Longueville raised an eyebrow in a somewhat eery synchronization, while Headmaster Osmond's face appeared to be holding back a smile.
I also noticed that Kirche seemed to be fanning herself with her hand as she seemed to take in the form of Jean that made him shift slightly in place, as Headmaster Osmond had suddenly been taken by a coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like covered up laughter at the expense of his slightly, red-behind-the-ears subordinate.
I had Setsuna lean closer to the one known as Tabitha and asked quietly, "Is your friend Kirche always like this?"
"Yes," came the curt response.
"Must never be boring around her, I take it," I continued quietly as Headmaster continued to cough and Miss Longueville helpfully began to slap his back with some rather forceful strikes that had the old man coughing much louder.
"Yes," came another curt response.
"Do you always speak with such efficiency?"
"I suppose it does tend to stop needless talk from the more annoying people who attend this school, am I right?'
And that was the end of my somewhat, one-sided conversation with the other, more quiet loli in the room.
Once the furor had died down, Louise took a number of calming breaths as Colbert spoke a few soothing words into her ear. Fortunately for me, all text spoken aloud from NPC's in both regular gaming and in the cinematics always had a text bubble that I could read and it said something along the lines of 'act befitting as your status as both a noble and a Valliere', 'do not stoop the level of a commoner and argue like one of the street rats' and a few other nonsensical pieces of advice that were probably only meant to calm the recipient than anything else.
After a few seconds of silence, I decide to take the lead in the conversation once more in the hopes of seeing more fascinating interaction with such life-like dialogue responses from the script that appeared to adapt to the player.
"May I speak now?"
"Please, Setsuna, continue and do try not to provoke Louise anymore," Colbert stated in a controlled voice that would have sounded more like an order than an actual request. Unfortunately for him, it had no effect on Setsuna and even less on me.
"I cannot make such a promise as both Louise and I hardly know each other and our respective cultures with enough depth to avoid any provocations," I responded in a more polite tone of voice than the one I had been using on Louise earlier. Then, I took on a more teasing tone, "Besides, she was the one who offered to whip me and I believe that some people in my own culture might take that as a sign of sexual inter~est or even a first step in courtship if Louise likes to have relationships in th~at manner."
"Oh Setsuna, you must share this knowledge of whipping and pleasure as Founder knows that Louise needs to let off some steam," Kirche interjected before Colbert or Louise could get a word in. As for Colbert, he took on a more embarrassed look, whereas, Louise looked absolutely mortified and tried to sink into her chair.
On this scene, I had a rather mischievous idea pop up.
"If you like to hear it Kirche, I could share the wonderful piece of music you and Tabitha must have surely overheard, but not in its entirety. It goes like this-"
"Whipping aside, we must get back to the discussion at hand," interrupted Osmond as he wiped away some drool from his mouth.
'Heh. Old pervert.'
"Very well, Headmaster. Kirche, if you are willing to meet with me tomorrow, I could share with you an equally delightful song called I Got It From Agnes by the very same one who wrote the Masochism Tango," I said as I texted Setsuna to grin widely.
In response, Kirche gave an equally wide grin and said, "Of course I am willing. We shall meet in the Vestri Court and we shall show Tristain nobles how to have some real fun."
While I thought it was impossible, the face of Louise appeared to be going even whiter where Colbert's face was turning even more red.
Of note, Miss Longueville looked like she was breathing a little heavier than she had been earlier, as it added a delightful bounce to her chest, and, if I looked closely enough, her pupils looked slightly dilated, which I was able to notice thanks to the very realistic graphics.
'Guess the old man ain't the only pervert here.'
After allowing about ten seconds for the more easily provoked girl to settle down somewhat, I turned towards the Headmaster.
"Now, in all seriousness, I would like to begin the negotations regarding my status as I understand that the Familiar Summoning is a sacred rite in both your culture and your religion. However, my culture highly values personal freedoms, especially among the higher ranks. Adding the fact that I am the leader of my own guild of warriors and various fighters, they might not look too fondly on my departure from their ranks."
"I can see that that does present a rather interesting problem as it would appear that we are at an impasse. However, I think that we may have rushed to attempting negotations so soon when emotions are too high and not all present may be capable of adapting properly to the stress in such short notice. So, I propose a two day recess and all present shall return here after having enough time to re-orient and prepare for a serious undertaking that is present. Agreed?"
"Yes, Headmaster," stated Miss Longueville.
"Of course, Old Osmond," said Jean.
"Yes," came the simultaneous reply from Louise, Kirche, and Tabitha. In the case of Louise and Kirche, Louise looked surprised then glared at Kirche, who, in turn, merely smirked back at the other girl and mimed the motion of a whip with her hand, which elicited a small blush from the smaller girl who continued to glare.
"That sounds agreeable," I said after everyone else had spoken.
"Very well. We shall all gather back in my office two days hence."
At that, the five other occupants left with Kirche and Louise continuing their silent, but amusing staring match.
I made certain to have Setsuna wait until all the others had left and the door had closed with a resounding thud.
"If you like, Headmaster. I would not mind sharing the song I promised to share with Kirche at a later date."
*drool* "Yes, of course. Now off with you as I do have some paperwork to sort through and it will not write itself."
After checking the radar and finding that there was no one in the way of my intended path, I left for one of the secluded gardens in order to open up the 'teleportation' ability of my character and pulled down the list of known towns, outpost, villages, and so on. On that list, was the name of Tristania, the capital of the nation of Tristain and the location of where I would secretly meet with Ludwig and see if he was already gathering his secret band of miscreants and lowlifes or whatever a Germanian does in the capital city.
"Time to go!"
Hoping some feedback comes so that I can continue to improve my writing.
Author's Note: I know I said that negotiations would happen, but I just let the flow of the conversation and the feel of the characters take me to what I think would have been the more natural outcome of rushing things too quickly, from the perspective of the in-game characters as most of the more stressful events have occurred in only one day.
Maybe, the negotations might come a few snippets later, after meeting with Ludwig and his band of miscreants.
ZnT/Guild Wars Crossover with PC-Controlled Assassin.
I have no problem with how things are playing out right now, though I am kinda surprised there's wasn't anything like 'S&M route unlocked with Kirche/Louise/Longueville' after that exchange
Or Heaven forbid, Osmond... *slams face onto desk HARD to prevent horrible mental images*
While I agree with you about the Kirche/Louise and longueville routes... I'm going to have to punch you for the mental image of Osmond, mainly because he has already shown to like that sort of thing.
Also, thanks for answering my earlier question.
I can't help be feel that the way Louise was acting didn't seem right with what we know of her character. Even if she was mad about being lied too, the moment she found out that Setsuna was a princess should have made her worried about the political fallout and what it would mean to the Valliere family. (I can see Karin in my minds eye punishing Louise for kidnapping a princess. The Rule of Steel is a horrible thing.)
If I ever choose to unlock the S&M Route, despite saying that it was avoided in an earlier chapter, it would take a rather drastic set of actions on Setsuna's part that would make Roman orgies tame and would be severely frowned upon by this sites' rules and I would most likely be banned for a few months.
Definitely need to slam my head into the wall right now.
In all seriousness, the S&M route is something I am not certain how to play out right now as I only have a rough outline of this story up to the suicide between the Mind of God and her Void Partner via Firestone.
I am really wracking my brain as to how to deal with the Windstone threat and I have a few ideas, but I feel that it dips into the Deus Ex Machina territory or something like a cop out without trying too hard.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Already slamming head into wall to cleanse mind right now.
The route with Longueville will be much harder to achieve as she is much more worldly than most of the people in the Academy when it comes to the pleasures of the flesh due to her alternate lifestyle.
Hmmm....I was trying to show that Louise is still latching onto anger and desperation as a measure of comfort for herself due to still recovering from the BSOD in the previous snippet and how it is far easier to fall back into the normal routine of insults as she normally does with Kirche.
Hopefully, I can show in the next few snippets that this Tsundere has her tsun sides and her dere sides, as well as, her Oh Founder! Mother's going to kill me! side when she finally let's her mind finally digest everything she has encountered for the day.
Besides, Louise has only seen Setsuna the faithful Familiar, Setsuna the proud defender of female virtue, Setsuna the tease, and finally, she has seen Setsuna the mage princess and she cannot cope with the amount of information overload right now without taking the time to process it all.
Also, she does have doubts about the claim of royalty, except when her thoughts go back to the end of the fight, she will remember the use of strange, high-level magic and go back into BSOD.
Almost like breaking the cutie kind of scenario.
Anyways, thank you for reading and thank you for providing helpful feedback as I find it very useful when there are outsiders who can point out any of my obvious and not-so-obvious mistakes.
But didn't the headmaster himself call Setsuna her highness in front of everyone. And if
the headmaster himself, a highly respected mage, said that Setsuna was a princess that should have killed off any doubts, that anyone would have had, furthermore why did Louise only show her anger after Setsuna had told her BS story, which would easily take fifteen minutes, about being the princess of Cantha. If Louise were to have shown her anger before the story, like when she first entered the office, I would be able to buy into the idea that her anger was getting the best of her. However she didn't and instead got anger after hearing Setsuna's epic story, that Surely on a royal could have accomplished.
Darn you and your common sense and use of logic!
Seriously, I might try to rewrite parts of the snippet number nine to show that Louise is focusing almost completely Setsuna in a tunnel vision sort of scenario and that she is somewhat aware of her surroundings in such a way that she is able to function automatically, but not enough to respond except when Colbert finally touched her on the shoulder in snippet number ten.
If the edit in the previous snippet, that is to say number nine, does not go well, then I will see if ten can be changed to fit better.
Thanks for pointing out something that should have been obvious to me.
To be fair, I was only able to think of all that after reading the chapter three times. (It is a very good story)
I think that you should just make a omake chapter from Louise's POV, this will give us readers a sense that Louise, and the others, are real people and not just characters in a game, which Setsuna thinks they are.
I also just had a horrible idea. At some point you should have it that Louise dies, during a quest or something forcing the game to reset, then have Louise, and other characters if they died as well, tell Setsuna about nightmares in which they were killed. Setsuna(you) would realize that they are talking about how they died during the mission, from their pov, and could start to wonder why the characters knew about that kind of stuff, dispite the game resetting, realizing that there is no way the programmers could make something that complex.
Aren't I evil.
Well, thank you for the compliment!
As for the omake chapter idea?
I think that might be a really good way to show outside POV's without breaking the overall flow and narrative structure of the story. Thanks.
*snort* You are evil! In a good way that is. We'll just have to see if I decide to use that or some of the other ideas I have had on how to show the player that Halkeginia is very much a real world.
Once again, thank you for your input.
I'm glad to be able to help.
Also I can't help but think that something is going to happen and you are going to take control of your character, I'm thinking about the .Hack Sign anime by the way, and the epic amount of horror that you would experenice.
Louise: "Setsuna... your highness."
Setsuna, with a dazed look on her face: "Yes... Louise..."
Louise: "Why are you groping yourself?"
Setsuna, whose face is now one of shock and horror, "O dear god this isn't happening."
I am really really evil.
It would be kind of funny really, in the anime the player was a girl trapped in a male character while you would be a male trapped in a female character. Granted you wouldn't have a kick ass guardian that can one hit everything, and cause people to go into comas.
The omake idea is a very refresing thought that might also work without being a omake.
Was thinking about the airship idea and was wondering, if you get transport in GW (if that is included, that is) do you get a bigger inventory?
I mean, if your character gets a backpack or a horse, will it increase inventory space twice/trice as big?
There are a few games were this is so.
It could make a funny situation for our player, when his gaming character suddenly has a bigger inventory space because it´s riding a horse.
Anyway, will our player try making a more magical engine after finding out about the ZnT-airships and the way they work?
I mean, those elemental stones should let him create shortcuts into some of the more modern day technology.
A rocket is based on the priciple of "action is reaction" and now there is a mind-fucker, the Doomstick and the Metal Bird (Zero, heheheheh, Zero´s Zero!!!!!!) points the way to a modern day militairy mod being in the works, or atleast the player might think so.
Thus the Player might start to wonder which game this might be, because the Doomstick (or is it BOOOM-stick) would point into the direction of a in-game extra like you have with Mass-Effect-3 if you have played the demo of another game.
He could be wondering if he played "Modern Warfare" or another game like it, recently.
Then the Zero comes along and everything is trown up-side-down.
Deflinger, heh, Dwarven smith to restore it, perhaps?
Golem upgrade, Def´s personal power-armor, aka: Def´s the brain of the Golem?
Well, it would make a good omake.
God, this is beautiful. I love it, and hope to see more chapters soon. And an omake, of course.
I liked that anime, especially the concept of the interactive MMO and all that it entailed.
You really are evil, you know that right?
But seriously, I might decide to make a VR interactive fic with a different or same anime in the future, after I finish this one. Hopefully.
All very interesting ideas there!
As for the omake, it might have to wait as RL is in the way for the next few days.
I was planning on incorporating certain functions of GW, such as, the ability to instantly teleport from one safe zone to another safe zone after having traveled the distance between the two locations only once.
As for airships?
Sadly, GW never had those, but that does not mean the player will not try to get one after discovering just how useful they could be when combined with certain, shall we say, military advancements, like rifling the barrels of the cannons, making a Minie ball as opposed to the regular round ball, creating indirect Howitzer cannon fire, forward observors, CAS, and so on.
In other words, the player is an avid student of the history of war which translates into skipping decades if not centuries worth of trial and error in weapons, infrastructure, logistics, command and control, fire-team tactics, and etc.
Not to mention advice to perform guerilla style warfare and spec ops infiltrations/exfiltrations, pre-emptive strikes, and what not.
Thank you for your very helpful input and I hope you continue reading.
Thank you for the compliment.
As for the omake, it might have to wait until tomorrow or the day after as my schedule is a bit busy right now.
Like the Arcadia?
Atleast in the setup of the bow section in regards to the (main) guns?
Also, if GW is atleast partely online, you could get funny reactions if his character has that airship with it when entering a more normal GW setting. Like all the other players wondering were they can get one as well, including the software-company trying to find out how this Hack came into their online game software-file.
Chapter Three, Side Story
Louise Snippet I
And so Louise traveled through the halls of the Tristain Academy of Magic, chasing after her rival and throwing insult after insult about the debauchery of Germanians, the von Zerbsts' questionable mating practices, and anything and everything to keep from freezing up in a manner that would be most unbefitting of a Valliere.
That, that, that!
How dare that Familar make claims that she is some kind of Princess!
And a commander and general of legions and armies?!
As if a Valliere, let alone a Founder-blessed noble would ever do such a lowly act as to bind a member of any Royal Family, let alone any honorable, high-ranking authority in the military!
After all, the holiest of rituals, the Sprintime Summoning Ritual, could never be wrong as it always summoned only what complements the mage.
Setsuna is only a commoner and a summoned one at that and I will show her the proper place as I am the noble and she is the Familiar.
In the back of her mind, a smaller voice tried to warn her about the political and social implications of binding a person of higher status as dictated by the Founder Brimir, the laws of Tristain, her respect of the Royal Family of Tristain, and her fear of her Mother.
At that last thought, all thoughts in Louise momentarily stopped at the sheer terror of her Mother. Not mother, but Mother with a capital M. Outside of her mind, Louise physically paled and stopped all movement for a time as she only uttered three words:
"Rule of steel."
Stopped until she heard an all too familiar taunt, "Oh is Louise the Zero showing that she has zero control over her own body? Shall I have to whip you like you secretly des~ire?"
In response, the red-haired girl merely continued to walk quickly in the direction of the Headmaster's office as Louise had to jog in pursuit due to her smaller strides.
If I ever discover that Zerbst had a hand in corrupting my Familiar, I will, I will, will....
Unfortunately for Louise, another, more suppressed and lecherous voice whispered into her mind at the wrong moment about whips and other things she had read in some of those books that she had once borrowed from sister Eleanores' collection.
In response, her mental thought process nearly underwent another brain freeze until she reminded herself that she was already engaged and she certainly had no desire to whip or be whipped.
After all, the color of her face was its normal color and was not attempting to emulate the color of a red dawn rising.
Any further thoughts halted when she finally found herself standing before the office of the Headmaster and she took a moment to recompose herself.
The Headmaster will sort this all out and everything will go back to the way things were before my Familiar went crazy.
After all, what's the worst that could happen?
Author's Note: This scene takes place just after Louise chases Kirche in Chapter Three, Part Nine. It will not be the last of the side stories and we might actually see the POV's of other characters in other scenes if I am unable to effectively use the first person POV to show what is going on in the background.
Or I might just write another side story or three to show how the other characters are thinking, reacting, and/or planning with regards to Setsuna.
"Enter, your Highness."
Snap (Thats the sound of Louise's sanity being destroyed.)
I lol'd when I read that part.
Anyway a wonderful little snippit. Could of been a bit longer, or at least ended with the above quote for even more lols.
May the muse be with you.
Slight problem. Kirche and Tabitha (and I'm assuming Louise since she was there) saw gold appear out of nowhere. Even if 'royal' is too out there, she is clearly not a 'commoner.'
(But Louise, that makes no sense whatso-)
Good work on the side story, it makes the thoughts of Louise a lot clearer than the indirect way in the normal story. I think it would be nice to have these side stories once in a while to show how different characters deal with the situations Setsuna will thow them into.
Chapter Three, Side Story
Louise Snippet II
Once she had entered the safety of one of the most respected nobles of the Academy, if not Tristain, Louise felt a calm wash over her as she believed that all would be right with the world.
There, she saw the Headmaster give her a polite nod and gestured her to a seat in the far corner where there were some refreshments. In response, she gave a polite nod in return as was only proper and proceeded to walk over towards the area in question.
Unfortunately, Kirche and Tabitha were already there. While she had no quarrel with the blue-haired girl, she could not say the same with the red-headed Germanian and could only wonder how the two ever became friends.
Once again, Louise took a calming breath, approached the table, and pointedly ignored the von Zerbst sitting on the other side of the small, circular table.
As she poured herself some wine and placed a few pieces of unleavened bread, she was drawn inward to her own thoughts as she thought about how she would deal with her Familiar.
The Headmaster, as a fellow noble, would fully understand the situation I am in and will rule in my favor as I am clearly the wronged party here.
Then, I can show that pesky Familiar who is the Master in this relationship!
Once again, that long-suppressed voice whispered in her mind about whipping sessions and hearing her Familiar's voice cry out 'Master' and 'more' in pleasure-laced tones.
Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
I am the Master of my Familiar, I am the Master of my own mind, and I am the Master of my own life!
I will not be ruled by such debased thoughts like that Germanian whore who sits beside me because I am a Valliere!
Besides, I already have an intended.
On the last thought, she blushed as she began to imagine the calm, collected, and smiling face of none other than Jacques Wardes, the man who she was to wed.
Before her mind could travel down the more naughty dreams involving Wardes, the door opened and she saw both Professor Colbert and Miss Longueville enter.
When she made eye contact with Professor Colbert, she gave a polite nod, but did not stand up as that would have been improper of a lady of her social standing, despite the higher authority that the Mage Teacher represented. In turn, the good Professor smiled and gave a simple greeting before he unloaded all the papers he had onto the Headmasters' desk.
Miss Longueville did not stop to make any pleasantries as she walked over to the Headmaster and whispered a few things in the mans' ear.
I see that the Headmster was wise to bring along witnesses who shall testify that my Familiar has been an unruly and undeserving creature that deserves nothing more than to be whi- whi-, er, punished!
Then, I shall prove that the third daughter of the Valliere family is a real noble and not some failure to be cast aside!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Everything is going according to plan!
"Enter, your Highness."
"Gurk," came a strangled noise from Louise' mouth as she froze in place.
Author's Note: This scene takes place inside the Headmasters' office, while Setsuna is busy talking to the Familiar of Osmond in the garden, and Louise is left to her own thoughts.
Also, darn you ninjas for jumping ahead and taking my idea for this snip on the last few lines!
Anyway, hope that you all like this new method of showing other character thoughts of certain scenes that may not properly convey how they are reacting when seen from the players POV only.
Louise kinda sounds like one of those cheap villians. Its hysterical.
Its a valuable leasson for her. The world doesn't revolve around her wants and needs. Something every teenager needs to face.
When she gets tunnel vision, she tends to become a rather one-tracked mind and loses a lot of the more intelligent functions of her brain.
Combine that with her teenage hormones and her desire to succeed at all costs, it become a rather potent combination that is not conducive to the wiser, more cautious decisions she could have made.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Now that I have really thought about it, I may just put these side stories here and there to show how other characters deal with Setsuna.
Her thoughts definitely follow this route as she is experiencing a bit of shock and information overload to the point that she will fall back to that which was always drilled into her.
Oh she certainly saw that part, but as koolerkid pointed out, Louise is not exactly using logic and common sense right now as her mind is not running on all cylinders, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for reading.
I can't believe you were able to take my idea for the next snippet before I could even refine it!
Anyway, thank you for the input, but I have not really planned for any of the outside POVs' to be too long as I do want to focus the majority of my attention to the main story, but thank you for the suggestion.
There are many possibilities to be had when there is magic to help sidestep many of the bigger problems when dealing with maintenance and operating issues of a single airship so you will just have to wait and see.
As for the ship entering GW, you'll just have to wait for that as I might allow a bit of crossing over between the online game and Halkeginia under very specific events that are limited in time and rairity. Can't say much more than that.
Does the protagonist first person narrator really know, in character, enough about Colbert do already describe him as a "badass" at this point of story and didn't it took him showing his awesome fire magic and fighting skills for Kirche to start crushing for him? Because I really don't think that just speaking sternly and showing some presence for a moment is enough to work, especially since he is quite much older than her and Kirche is not shown normally preferring older men.
First Louise Snippet seems kind of "meh" to me, while the second one being much better, but that has probably more to do with their narrator, their themes and shortness, than your writing skill. So, eagerly awaiting for the next proper chapter part about negotiations.
Remember, the Protagonist isn't actually Setsuna, it's a dude playing Setsuna on a computer using the Guild Wars game as an interface. Before Setsuna learns a character's name, the HUD instead displays a description. You probably missed it, but the HUD in this fic has a habit of giving minor spoilers. In Colbert's case, it literally called him "Bald Badass".
Separate names with a comma.