We FAIL for the Emperor: Let's Play Chaos Gate!

Can I call the Apothecary early? If so, name him with a generic name, like Josh or something; that's where I get all my names from, due to lack of creativity.

Guitar Rifts? Those don't sound very safe to be around.

Mission 7: Don't forget to knock



Assaulting the Chaos capital ship, we left the Battle-Barge Most Mighty and Exalted Penis of the Emperor in a Thunderhawk as the Battle-Barge pounded down the enemy's defenses.



Everything looked safe... for the moment, until our Marines started pouring out, hopefully eliminating defenders before they could return fire. Shock and awe, soldiers. Shock and awe.



Sadly although Rabiddog has many (okay, some, okay, actually none) virtues, apparently "killing Chaos Space Marines with a single shot" is not one of them.



Reaper strode down, assault cannon in one hand, fist covered in miniature chainsaws in the other, and gunned down one of the defenders, however. This was all within the first two seconds of combat.



Battle Brother "Collateral Damage" Consequences, anger mollified by his Meltagun, although only somewhat as he feels he's been cheating on Flamer-tan, was somewhat instrumental in melting some heretics into puddles.





With most of the defenders down, the remainder of the Marines poured out of the Thunderhawk, including Librarian Sarpedon and Techmarine "Flavius" Whitestar, whose nametag still hasn't been fixed yet. I blame the Melta bomb incident taking up the time of our Techmarines. However, the immediate threat was not yet clear, as Sarpedon sensed hostiles behind the doors.



So we set up some guys to give them a proper Reasonable Marine welcome, that being a whole lot of firepower at a distance.



It worked quite well, although it left the place burning for a long, long time.

It looks like another position must be created in the Chapter's hierarchy (thumbs nose at Index Astartes):

Master of the Merchandise

Does this mean a good portion of the Fortress Monastery gets turned into a... warehouse?

Well now that the entrance foyer was COMPLETELY clear (and burned), our Marines advanced, careful to desecrate all Chaos Relics with gunfire and Meltabombs as they passed.



Of course there were yet more Chaos forces behind yet another door. This caught us entirely by surprise and we were all slaughtered. Wait, no. That's not right. It was, however, full of explosive barrels that Chaos had looted from the Machine World.



Which both Rabiddog and Consequences are taking cover behind, because hell, cover that scuffs your paint is better than no cover.



And without cover you eat Bolter fire, like Rabid Dog here who was flanked and shot twice in the gut and once in the groin. Fortunately the Apothecary has a bionic penis and says that its functionality should be almost as good as the real thing.



Meanwhile TechMarine Whitestar blew up some of those explosive barrels and charged into melee combat.



But soon enough the room was clear and it was time to open the doors. Immediately after opening, Reaper spotted a Chaos Marine and promptly tore him a few dozen new air-holes.





And Brain Caster ended up crashing his way through into a box of Imperial supplies that had not been corrupted despite over 10,000 years of rusting in a Chaos capital ship. Yelling "OHHHH YEAHHH!" while smashing through a wall with his Thunder Hammer and then bashing Chaos Marines aside with the same implement, the rewards were worthwhile but nothing special.

Deary Diary, stardate root 2

Things have been pretty quiet lately. I guess command is giving me a rest after all these missions. It's also a good chance to grow my face back after those krak missiles. I'm worried that my lazy eye will return. Brother Rabiddog got a chance to try out a suit of terminator armour with a heavy flamer and though he seems more calm around the cabin the techs say he froths up like crazy inside the armour. I loaned them some of the cleaner I use on the cabin. A lot more people are MIGHTY HEROES now, but I still know that I was the first and that's what really counts. I better go, my face is starting to hurt again.

Love,

Brother Lasty

Thought for the day: Trust not the Heretic and definitely don't trust the Heretic's Knots.

Meanwhile Sarpedon capped some fools who thought that camping was an awesome idea. Remember, camping is a bad idea. Unless we do it, because as the Reasonable Marines it's not camping, but rather proper tactics.



With them defeated some more Chaos Marines teleported in... right into the line of fire of an assault cannon. Do you get promoted for making runner-up for the Darwin Awards in the Chaos hierarchy? Or something?



Anyways we set up a firing line in the hopes of catching some more Chaos traitors doing the same thing. After all, they're often stupid enough to do something moronic twice. Meanwhile, Brother Blake, Mighty Hero of the Imperium, showed his heroism by torching three of the deadliest threats to the Imperium. I refer, again, to Chaos Cultists.





And I think there was a lot of people who lost wagers to the more experienced Marines who bet correctly that Chaos forces would indeed, be stupid enough to do the same thing.





Brother-Librarian Sarpedon has gained, with his promotion, the power to SET PEOPLE ON FIRE. WITH HIS MIND.



Meanwhile an elite strike team moved covertly and quickly to infiltrate the enemy computer banks. And by "covertly" I mean "they clomped around noisily in power armor" and by "quickly" I mean "they took time to loot all the uncorrupted containers in their way.



Consequences keeps drooling over the Heavy Flamer. It's unhealthy. But at least he seems to be temporarily mollified by the Meltagun.

Oh come on, who wouldn't drool over the heavy flamer? It lights things on fire, a lot! Since I picked the wrong career path and won't be setting things on fire with the power of my mind, I just want the best alternative.

There were more... *guffaw* Blue Horrors. I swear, something this harmless? Has got to be some kind of sick Chaos joke.



They were, of course, either roasted or chainfisted to death. Official cause of death is "running into chainfist at high velocity on own volition" because nobody really wanted to say they killed them, that's how humiliatingly harmless they are.



Ah, and a rare Pink Horror in a non-dead state. I'm surprised that they actually exist.



A the same Pink Horror in a more common "dead" state. There was a new daemon we fought, but it didn't get a chance to show off its abilities. I believe it was called a "Flamer", which I don't get. What was its power? To turn Battle-Brothers homosexual? To shock people with its homosexuality? What? Although homosexuality is harmless, to be sure it wasn't some kind of tainted Chaos homosexuality we shot it to bits.



There was one more room before the computer, and surely there would be potent enemies arrayed there.



Well, sort of. Not so potent when they were on fire, though.



But suddenly, an ambush! The deadliest one yet! Only the quick action taken by Battle-Brother Blake saved the entire breaching and intrusion team from imminent horrible death... by the hands of a DOZEN Cultists all teleporting in! Has Chaos discovered our secret weakness?



With them dead the mission was basically over, as Techmarine Whitestar recovered the critical data from the Chaos capital ship, as well as wonderful knowledge: Battle-Brother Soft is not only alive, but on this very same capital ship!

But hey, Promotions!

TechMarine Whitestar has been promoted and needs to fix his nametag.





Brother Sarpedon has gotten a medal for being a crack shot with that Boltpistol of his.



Brother Reaper has gained a whole lot more kills, and even that GIGANTIC SHOULDERPAD isn't going to hold them all, let alone the smaller one on a regular suit of Power Armor.



Brother Blake may run into a similar problem in the near future.



Brother Lasty's defective Storm Bolter didn't let him do the same.



Brother Tarquinn's door-breaching skills were not considered sufficient to label him as a combatant.



Brother Brain Caster's face-breaching skills, however, were.



And Brother AceRaptor was also one of the first soldiers to score a kill, eliminating one of the Chaos defenders of the hangar bay.

Brother Lurker needs to work on his aim. Maybe he should remove that top-mounted grenade launcher that's obstructing the iron sights on his bolter?



Brother Rabid Dog isn't terrible with a Meltagun either.



And Brother Mjolnar has gotten pretty good with a combat knife.

Brother Archon 476 has been promoted to Hero for his valor in shooting Chaos forces lots. Or something.





Brother Consequences has almost taken a liking to that Meltagun. Almost.



Brother Grdja should be commended for eliminating two members of the REAL ENEMY THREAT.



Brother Dedman has gotten a few of those guys too.



Brother Cody has another Space Marine kill to his name.



And Brother Bulltreyu should stop going into combat while drunk.

Good God-Emperor, that's a lot of Blue Horrors that committed suicide when they saw me coming!

I never seen a horror commit suicide before this mission. I thought it would've been funnier.

Personal Log: Entry Alpha

"Battle-Brother Soft is still alive? Praised be the Emperor! Perhaps now that I have proven myself to my fellow Marines they will finally make time to fix my nametag. Flavius indeed."

Quoted for a reminder. I've always made a medic type guy in a game.

Battle Journal # OH WHO THE FUCK CARES MY DICK WAS SHOT OFF!!!

OH MY GOD-EMPEROR My dick was shot off! Sure i'll get a cooler 19 inch cyber-dong but I'll miss ol' thunderbolt! I mean he was useful! I was used to it! but now........now I have to break in a brand new one.

That settles it next mission I'm going to dick shoot every one of those Cultist bastards I find.....I dont care whether it kills em instantly or not.....they're going to know what it feels like to GET YOUR DICK SHOT OFF!


On another note.....battle Brother Soft is still alive.......I suspect he's been somehow tainted by Chaos given that he was on their capital ship for a good long while by himself.....however I dont intend to tell my fellow brothers this as I'll sound like an Emperor-Damned douche bag of epic scale.

Thought for the day: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.....a cyber dong in a bush is worth two orgranic ones on the floor......MY DICK GOT SHOT OFF!

Dear Commander

This Devastator Marine, who wishes to remain anonymous, would request more open field engagements so he can rack up more kill with his missile guided rocket launcher.

Sincerely.

Hell yes!

A guitar rift, for the record, is a guitar riff so awesome it tears a hole in space/time creating a wormhole to the Age of Rock.

Authentic Battle Brother Don Blake T-shirts (I met a Space Marine and all I got was this lame t-shirt and multiple bone fractures when he punched me for not showing sufficient respect) are now on sale.

We're looking at breaking into the music industry with the Country-Western "My Flamer and Me," but marketing suggests we rethink the name.

++Debriefing Log++
++Subject: Battle Brother Dedman (IMPERIAL HERO)++
++Date:[REDACTED].M41++
++Begin:
For once it was my turn to get made fun of. Then forgetful went completely insane and cursed a lot and things go back to normal.

But anyway, the entire assault squad, except for me, has terminator honours. How in the emperor damned warp does that happen? Honestly?

Forgetful lights himself on fire and then completely loses it while cleaning his armor and somehow ends up with one on his shoulder. I kill a word bearer chaplain and just get a swat on the ass from one of the battle brothers who got too close to a flamer.

But I shouldn't complain, I love hitting things with a power axe, being a in a terminator suit would seriously decrease my power axe to heretic face ratio.

Of course I was excited for our first boarding action, running through tight corridors chopping up chaos marines and their powerful cultist allies alike. Then Brother Captain Commando gives us all bolters. It wasn't really bad, but I felt naked without my jump pack, and I felt silly making the 'woosh' noises without the exhaust to cover the noise.

Thought for the day: The emperor protects, and is ribbed for her pleasure.
++End++

Addendum: Eight pointed stars, though 'looking cooler' than tick marks, do not make for good chaos kill markings. I'm off to run 10 laps around the barge and talk to a 'psychoanalyst' whatever that is.

"Forgetful's Log"

"Thought for the day; never EVER forget to turn in your porno slates. Because it's not worth being left behind on a combat mission.

Also; how am I a Space Marine Hero? Well I certainly do enjoy the honors,"

"Forgetful's Log 2"

"I am watching myself....and its....its... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!,"

Dear Diary, stardate 41153.7

I finally got let out today, but I didn't managed to hit many things. I was worried that lazy eye had been un-fixed by the Krak missiles but Command is blaming a defective Storm Bolter for my problems. Good news for me but I feel kinda sorry for the guy who broke it. The really good news is that we rescued Brother Soft! I'm sure he'll be back on his feet and alongside us really soon. This news doesn't seem to have cheered up Brother Rabiddog, who had his wee-wee shot off during our last mission. Ouch, that must have hurt more than my face. I'll have to remember to be very careful around him.

Love always,

Brother Lasty

Thought for the day: The Emperor saves! Everyone else takes full damage.

Goddamn Chaos Terminators. This LP has turned very Black Hawk Down all of a sudden.

In the sense that the actual rescue mission basically involved much pain...

OMINOUS AND SUBTLE FORESHADOWING.

Oh man I hate forshadowing......bad crap always happens with Forshadowing!

Foreshadowing? Isn't that when an author leads the target prior to unleashing a burst of plot?