Mass Effect: Human Revolution, Thread II

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by IgnusDei, Jan 25, 2013.

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  1. IgnusDei

    IgnusDei Laputan Machine

    This is a continuation of this thread.

    Which is about this story:

    Which also has a Tvtropes page:

    INDEX (courtesy of Kalaong)

    Chapter 21: The Masque of the Black Queen part 2

    96: Sir Adam Jensen To The Rescue!
    97: Sir Adam Jensen Runs Like The Wind.
    98: Caleston's Obligatory Sewer Level.
    99: Adam Jensen Taunts Murphy.
    100: Adam Jensen Gets Mugged? Nope.

    Chapter 22: The Masque of the Black Queen part 3

    101: Meet The Spookies!
    102: Hackers and Marines.
    103: How Caleston Went To Hell.
    104: What Makes Asari Cute?
    105: Garrus Vakarian Gets A Three-Finger Discount.
    106: It's Always Mardi Gras In Syneu?
    107: More Fun Than Is Healthy?
    108: What's Your Favorite Sin?
    109: Jesus Christ They're FAST Zombies Get In The Truck!

    Chapter 23: The Masque of the Black Queen part 4

    110: The Normandy Visits The World Of Survival Horror.
    111: Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It...
    112: Car Trips Are Great For Exposition.
    113: Garrus Vakarian Gets A Gunblade.
    114: No War Like A Holy War… Except An Unholy War.
    115: Ruins For Ruins' Sake.
    116: Manah T'Soni Is Cute!
    117: Master And Minion.
    118: (Optional)Cyberpunk Is Back!
    119: And We All Know What Happens To Ruins…
    120: Note To Self; Religion: Freaky! Also, Puzzles.
    121: Two Styles Of Command.
    122: Weaponized Nightmares.
    123: …At least he has chicken.
    124: The Inner Sanctum!
    125: Not The End Of Caleston, But You Can See It From Here.
    126: Caleston: BOSS FIGHT
    127: A Biotic Wanzer!?
    129: Deus Ex Machina?
    130: (Optional)Science And Fantasy.

    Chapter 24: The Aftermath - Durendal

    131: Caleston: Aftermath
    132: The Side Effects Of Having A Demigod In Your Brain.
    133: Diagnostics.
    134: Manah's Choice.
    135: Noveria: Casting
    136: Edgar Hein, God Of Trolls.
    137: Edgar Hein Makes His Pitch.

    Chapter 25: The Aftermath - Normandy

    140: Jondam Bau Has Some 'Splainin To Do.
    141: (Optional) Edgar Hein Knows All About Nanotechnology.
    142: David Anderson Has Some 'Splainin To Do.
    143: Urdnot Wrex Has Some 'Splainin To Do.
    144: Richard L. Jenkins Has Some… Chicken!
    145: Gods And Monsters.
    146: Gods And Monsters.(Take Two)
    147: Old Wounds.
    148: The Proper Care And Feeding Of Eldritch Abominations.

    Chapter 26: Illium part 1

    150: What Happens On Illium Stays On Illium.
    151: Jensen Gets A Present.
    152: Be Polite To Giant Bouncers.
    154: Bars Are For Relaxing.
    155: CODEX ENTRY: FIERA(Take Two)
    156: There Is Strength And Wisdom To Be Gained In The Struggle.
    157: Bars Are For Conversing.
    158: Bars Are For Hearing Crazy Stories.
    159: Bars Are For Letting Them Down Gently.
    160: Bars Are For Talking About Women.
    161: Bars Are For Embarrassing Your Friends.
    162: Bars Are For Meeting Old… "Friends."

    Chapter 27: Illium part 2

    163: Smart Doesn't Always Mean Sensible.
    164: Many Sides To Every Issue.
    165: A Woman Of Wealth And Taste.
    166: A Woman Of Velvet And Steel.
    167: In Vino Veritas.
    168: (Optional SPOILER) Origins Of The Prometheans.
    169: Outcasts Are Alone Together.
    170: I Don't Know About Art…
    171: (Optional)Conrad Verner Knows All About FTL.
    172: …But I Know What I Like.
    173: Hey! Comics Are Art!
    174: There Are No Gardeners For Men.
    175: Art Expresses Emotion - Not Necessarily The Artist's.
    176: Excitement Or Enchantment?

    Chapter 28: Illium part 3

    179: The Way To An Ardat-Yakshi's Heart...
    180: …Is To Find The Nearest Justicar…
    181: …And Take Her The OTHER Way!
    182: Conversation Battle.
    183: Judging A Corrupt Code Of Law Is A Duty, Not A Right!
    184: Out Of The Frying Pan…
    185: …Into Die Hard On A Holodeck!
    186: Now Adam Has A Machine Gun. Ho-Ho-Ho.
    187: Surprise! Butt Sex!
    188: Conrad Verner Succeeded Despite Idiocy.
    189: Camping A Crapper.
    190: Camping A Crapper.(Take Two)
    191: Don't Look In The Box!
    192: Nobody Said Anything About Wanzers!
    193: How Come It Never Goes Smooth?
    194: Super Cyborg Versus Giant Robot!
    195: After A Vacation Like This, You'd Need A Vacation.
    196: It Could Have Been Anyone. That Was The Idea, Wasn't It?
    197: This Is Our Legacy.

    Interludes of Madness, Sorrow and Fury

    203: You Are Made Of Bone That Breaks.
    204: You Are Made Of Skin That Rips.
    205: You Are Made Of Blood That Spills.

    Chapter 29: The Dream Machine part 1

    206: The Difference? She Grew Up In It.
    207: …As You Wish.
    208: Noveria's Obligatory Sewer Level.
    209: (Optional) Who Is Adam Jensen?
    210: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I Don't Think They Exist.
    211: Looks Like Technology Likes You.

    Chapter 30: The Dream Machine part 2

    213: Jondam Bau And A Ragtag Bunch Of Misfits.
    214: May The Shadow Of Elysium Fall Upon You, And All That Carry Your Blood!
    215: If Someone Is Above The Law, Someone Else Will Write New Laws.
    216: A Lawyer Makes A Better Spy Than A Spy Does A Lawyer.
    217: You Are Who You Know.
    218: Quid Quo Pro.
    219: Is There A Frankenstein In The House?

    Chapter 31: The Dream Machine part 3

    220: Back-Alley Brain Surgery.
    221: You Ever Hear The Definition Of Insanity?
    222: We Are Inside A Dream Machine.
    223: A Drop Filled With Memories.
    224: Would You Like To Give Me A Name?
    225: Dream For Sale Or Let.

    Chapter 32: The Dream Machine part 4

    226: You Know What The Chain Of Command Is?
    227: Character Notes for Elsa Devereaux.
    228: Hide And Seek In Space.
    229: Kind Of Busy Here!
    230: I AM STILL… USEFUL…
    231: I DID NOT! YOU DID TOO!
    232: …Behold All My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair.
    233: What Are You Doing In MY Apartment?

    Chapter 33: The Dream Machine part 5

    235: Old Soldiers Never Die, They Just Fade Away.
    236: Old Soldiers Never Die, They Just Fade Away.(Take Two)
    237: Is There Anything You Would Not Do For Those You Love?
    238: Monsters At Play.
  2. God and the Snake

    God and the Snake Semi-professional Killjoy

    New thread!

    So, what do you guys think are the odds of Caim being some sort of Illuminati project, or something of the like?
  3. Avalon Aurora

    Avalon Aurora Between Genius & Insanity

    Wahoo, new thread! And now Jensen must rescue what may very well be the Asari version of Mewtwo! :p
  4. Seed00

    Seed00 Yes, It's Gundam. You only get it now?

    While facing off against Caim from Drakenguard. Not too worried, considering in one of the endings, he was brought down by a few sidewinder/AMRAAM missiles.

    Jensen just needs a really big gun.
  5. IgnusDei

    IgnusDei Laputan Machine

    I'd like to point out that while my shout outs are numerous, they pale in comparison to the ones Charles has that has been peppered across Shinji and Warhammer 40k:

    Besides warhammer, he's got:

    Gurren Lagann
    Star Wars
    Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy
    Planescape Torment
    Monty Python and the Holy Grail
    Harry Potter
    Girl Genius
    ...and even Tvtropes itself.

    And don't even get me started on the one offs.
  6. You're being held to a much higher standard for a reason. No offense to Charles, but this is a lot better written and much more believable. I check Spacebattles mostly for this work and for EarthScorpion's, don't sell yourself short
  7. I strongly agree with Mr. (or Ms.) Mutton. Very strongly in fact.
  8. To be fair, and with no offence ment, the absurd number of shoutouts is one of the reasons that I stopped reading Shinji and Warhammer 40k. Honestly, I'd sort of wish that you would tone down the number of 'em. You write a great story without 'em.
    Winged One and pecenipicek like this.
  9. Tikigod784

    Tikigod784 A Spicy Soul

    Rather than running away, give Jensen the decision to fight Caim or not. There doesn't initially seem to be any direct repurcussions from running away or staying to fight, but then civilian casualties start piling up. Maybe running away with Manah will make Caim angry and start focusing on random civilians in the Shanty Town? Staying to fight might ruin Jensen's shiny new armor. Still, this has the inherent flaw of being a BioWare decision that only affects certain things...
  10. I'll join in with the others: the overabundance of random references was one of the things I liked least about that fic, and it was what finally made me quit Nobody Dies too.

    You've done a much better job of actually integrating them into one solid universe, which is nice. But we're toeing the line here. The second we reach the point where I feel like I would need to have consumed the right cultural media to enjoy something going on in the fic, it'll become a problem.
  11. Kalaong

    Kalaong Extinction Is Approaching. FIGHT IT.

    Smuggler is a Deus Ex character with the exact same profession and voice actor as Drebin. That's all. One of the megacorps from Metal Gear is mentioned, but is there any real difference between the Illuminati and the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo?
  12. Tikigod784

    Tikigod784 A Spicy Soul

    Basically, it's the names. Before I remembered Parasite Eve, I thought Aya was just an interesting OC. That's why most of Ignus' references work, you don't actually need to have have seen the original media. If you catch the reference, it's awesome. If not, it's just a cool name to something in-universe. Even the named characters that are pulled straight from other media work this way. I don't know who Caim is, but he seems crazy and strong. He's going to make a good antagonist whether I know what game he's from or not. So long as people are familiar with Deus Ex and Mass Effect, this story remains wonderfully coherent. (heck, I didn't know what Wanzers were, but was easily able to pick up that they're mechs and stopped giving it too much thought).
  13. There's just too much wink wink nudge nudge. A good reference means that a reader with no experience with the referenced material will not notice anything happening. It would be as if a name was plucked out of a hat for the story rather than anything else. A bad reference leaves the reader feeling like they missed something, and that's somewhat common in this story. There haven't been too much of the worst kind, where the reference actually pulls you out of the tale, but there have been a few.

    Easter egg hunting can be fun. Right now I feel like it's at the expensive of the story and has somewhat been so for a while. You're a damn good writer and very enjoyable to read, but the constant references are really harming the overall story.
  14. aeroprime

    aeroprime Power Lurker

    I dunno. Its fine with me and when I read I don't catch many of the references and when I do it usually after I'm done reading. I'm good with the way things are proceeding with the story.
  15. WarpObscura

    WarpObscura Grumpy Big Stick

    Wow, I didn't think of that. :wtf: Wonder if Ignus did?
  16. So it's true. Aliens killed his family, turning him from a sweet, if shy, kid into RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR! . . . With lots of fire for good measure.

    Much as 2 was a travesty, I wonder if he'll get a touching send off when it's his time to go.

    Is it over, Caim? It's over now. We're finally together.
  17. IgnusDei

    IgnusDei Laputan Machine

    Wink wink nudge nudge? From who? From me or from the folks that call attention to the references?

    As Tiki pointed out, I think I've done a pretty good job of not turning the shout outs and crossovers into required reading by putting out enough information about them and their place in the fic's universe, and I haven't slapped a sign on them by having a character go: "HEY GUYS I'M TOTALLY QUOTING FIREFLY!"... Or at least, I can't think of once instance of that happening off the top of my head.
  18. spacewolflord

    spacewolflord Been one since 2nd.

    The references work fine for me. They only get bothersome when I half remember where they came from and have to find it my self. And that is more of a personal issue then a writing issue. Please keep up the fine work you have been doing IgnusDei.
    aeroprime likes this.
  19. Delurking to comment on the whole "wink wink nudge nudge" thing. Of all the references, I only get the ones from the ME trilogy and HR, since those appear to be the only games I've played in common with IgnusDei. If it weren't for others pointing out the FF and Drakengard references I would literally never have known that other properties had been given shoutouts. I personally don't feel like the references are taking me out of the story, to be honest.

    And while I'm delurked: Great story so far, IgnusDei! I stumbled on this story on my last day of Christmas vacation (good ol' Tv Tropes) and have been coming back everyday for new installments since. Thanks! Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading! And do please keep on keeping Hein as crazy as the Doctor!
  20. I personally would be just fine without any of the references. Most of the time they are annoying because of lack of knowledge and total lack of willpower to look them up.
  21. blast flame

    blast flame How far will we go if it means lighting the way?

    Meh, I don't think I get the references but the story works fine for me without understanding them; I barely even notice them unless they're pointed out in the thread. I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games and I understand this just fine.
    TM2 and aeroprime like this.
  22. IgnusDei

    IgnusDei Laputan Machine

  23. Geis. This isn't magic... right? Please don't include magic in this fic.

    Anyway, I'd say that it's an extension of the Asari's melding ability. Something similar to the Reaper indoctrination. Quite insidious if all the Matriarchs know how to do it. Another dirty secret kept from the galaxy-at-large.
  24. TM2

    TM2 Self Explanatory

    How would a geis work in a sci fi setting? Does it follow a similar principle to indoctrination? How about nanotechnology designed to cause seizures when certain thought patterns are detected?
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